I just booked an abortion ...

LegacyUser

Long term user and reader but need to go anonymous.

As the title suggests, I just booked to go for an abortion next week. Recently found out I am 6-7 weeks pregnant! The condom split and I did take the morning after pill but it didn't work. I am in my late 30's, stable secure job and have 2 kids but I am currently a single parent. The father of this pregnancy is my ex (the father of my 2 children). He has said that he would support me (financially) either way it was my choice. We have being discussing getting back together but we are very early days and there is no guarnatee that it would work. So I could be facing this pregnancy alone and than looking after another baby after the birth.

If he had said this is great, lets get back together, move back in etc... I would keep this baby. But he has said the opposite - that it can't happen yet and may not even happen in the future.

I cannot face this pregnancy alone with no emotional support and possibly raising another child - albeit with a part time daddy. Financially it would also be very difficult as we run two houses etc.. I also have a number of things planned next year that don't involve being pregnant or having a baby. I am just gone back to work full time and my career is progressing again after my last pregnancy.

Not sure what I am looking for, maybe someone to confirm that I am making the right decision. Do have counseling booked with positive options but could not get an appointment until next week (right before I am due to travel).

Thanks! I feel slightly better even writing it all down.

Merkin

Just a note to posters. This is an emotive topic and we'd ask posters to keep their advice strictly for the OP and on topic please. Thanks.

SAMTALK

OP it sounds like you have already made your choice. There is no one here who can tell you what to do.
Only you know whats best for you and your children,
Just look after yourself whatever you decide and dont let anyone judge you either way.

iusedtoknow

If you're making the right decision for you, it is the right decision. Don't let anyone judge you (and I hope they won't!). It was clearly a thought out one and a logical one.

All the best.

thisistough

helpAdviceneeded wrote: »

Long term user and reader but need to go anonymous.

As the title suggests, I just booked to go for an abortion next week. Recently found out I am 6-7 weeks pregnant! The condom split and I did take the morning after pill but it didn't work. I am in my late 30's, stable secure job and have 2 kids but I am currently a single parent. The father of this pregnancy is my ex (the father of my 2 children). He has said that he would support me (financially) either way it was my choice. We have being discussing getting back together but we are very early days and there is no guarnatee that it would work. So I could be facing this pregnancy alone and than looking after another baby after the birth.

If he had said this is great, lets get back together, move back in etc... I would keep this baby. But he has said the opposite - that it can't happen yet and may not even happen in the future.

I cannot face this pregnancy alone with no emotional support and possibly raising another child - albeit with a part time daddy. Financially it would also be very difficult as we run two houses etc.. I also have a number of things planned next year that don't involve being pregnant or having a baby. I am just gone back to work full time and my career is progressing again after my last pregnancy.

Not sure what I am looking for, maybe someone to confirm that I am making the right decision. Do have counseling booked with positive options but could not get an appointment until next week (right before I am due to travel).

Thanks! I feel slightly better even writing it all down.

Hi OP

I have no experience in this area at all and have never been faced with the decision myself but I think as long as it's what you want then it's the right decision. Only you know what's right for you so don't let any one tell you that you're wrong. Don't forget that there are loads of support services available so you should never feel like you have no one to talk to. All the best

Diamond Doll

Ah god I don't have any real advice, but my thoughts are with you. I've always thought it must be a much more difficult decision to choose an abortion when you've already had children, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision.

I can't tell you you're making the right choice - only you can know that. But I really sympathise with you.

Maybe something you could try. Get some paper. Write down how you'd imagine a day in your life a year from now if you got the abortion. And a day in your life five years from now. Literally, the timetable of the day. Then do the same, but for a year from now and five years from now, if you continue with the pregnancy. Be realistic and practical. Maybe it'll help clarify your thinking. It's your two children that'll be affected a lot by you continuing the pregnancy ... not just you. And you just need to find a way of balancing it all out.

I really feel for you, whatever choice you make. I know it's not easy. xx

eviltwin

I've been there OP and went through all the second guessing. I'd two weeks wait for my appointment and every day I changed my mind a hundred times but deep down I knew from the moment I saw the positive pregnancy test that I wouldn't be having the baby. Despite all my what ifs I knew what the right thing to do was. It's eight years later and I've never regretted it or felt I made the wrong choice.

I would still go to the counselling appt if you can if only to just clarify it with someone who isn't involved. Be prepared for the after effects, your hormones will be all over the place so you may feel a bit down. It's normal. Do get your six week check up and access counselling if you need it. Remember you can change your mind at any stage.

LegacyUser

I don't really know OP, sounds like your decision is made .
Just don't be afraid to ask for help or support afterwards if you feel you need it, ok?We don't have to be strong all the time.

Rubberchikken

hatever decision you make will, ultimately, be the right one for you. wishing you all the best.

take care

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.

Any choice I make will be really tough decision. I feel for my two children the most who deserve a better mam than me and to not get caught out like this.

My head is all over the place right now and I just have noone to talk to so thanks for listening.

TG1

Op I've never been in your position, but helped out a friend who came to the same decision in different circumstances.

The one thing I would say is make sure you talk to a professional about this. No matter what support someone has in this situation, all well meaning friends families or partners have an opinion, no matter how much they try to remain impartial. For your own sake you need to speak to someone totally impartial who can help you work through your own feelings without any of their own opinions colouring the conversation.

My heart goes out to you, this can't be an easy decision for anyone to make.

Diamond Doll

helpAdviceneeded wrote: »

Any choice I make will be really tough decision. I feel for my two children the most who deserve a better mam than me and to not get caught out like this.

Ah don't say that! Sounds like you did everything right, with condoms and the MAP. Circumstances were out of your control. You sound like a great mum.

LegacyUser

hi op, it struck me as quite sad that you said your kids 'deserve a better mam', why do you say that? Getting pregnant doesn't make you a bad mother, if anything i'd imagine the kids would be delighted to get a new brother or sister to play with..Honestly, people get pregnant all the time, doesnt make them undeserving in any way, in any case you pretty much did everything you could to avoid it, what more could you have done? I suppose your question is would your kids be all round better off or worse off with another sibling? Would you yourself? Maybe write a list of what would be better or what would be worse? I personally think that either decision would have just as big an impact on a person, just in different ways (although that's just my own opinion)

LegacyUser

My heart goes out to you being in this position, I know how hard a decision it is and all the conflicting thoughts you can have.

Unfortunately nobody here can confirm for you that it's the right decision. The fact you are writing here at all asking that, suggests that you are still not 100% sure about your decision.

You are still in the very early stages so you have a little bit more time to think through this. Could you arrange to see a different counsellor sooner or even a close family member who is a good listener and not judgemental?

Please don't rush into a decision solely out of fear like what I did.

I was 17 and it happened the night I lost my virginity.

I made my decision out of sheer fear and panic of how it would effect my life.
I came from a family of high achievers, "good family name" (on the exterior at least), where teenage pregnancies were unheard of. My life plan and how I would be moulded had already been mapped out for me in a sense from as soon as I had been born really.

I would do well in school, I would go to university, I would do a masters, I would get a well paying job, I would get an equally educated husband with a well paying job too, we would build our own home eventually and probably have a few children and go on nice family holidays.

This is what was "normal" and expected of me. I knew this and I felt huge guilt for the embarrassment I was going to bring my family.
This wasn't the 50's though, this was 2004 and I am 28 now.

It's not like my family were mega wealthy or posh or anything, if anything we were quite poor. I even had several friends who had a child really young who I was close to, but it was still not the "done thing" in my own family who were still a bit more old fashioned people in many ways, I was meant to be "better".

I also worried about being judged by my teachers, and other girls and especially guys my own age too. A small enough town and I feared being looked at and spoken about with mockery or distaste as "another young one who got knocked up. " I wanted to be treated with decency and just seen as a normal girl. I was terrified about possibly being shunned by my family and my peers.

I also thought I would not be able to go to college, that I would never get an education or good job and that my life would be forever ruined.

So basically massive fear of judgement and fear of never achieving my ideal future career and lifestyle is what made my mind up for me. Fear.
I cried the entire time at the clinic and for weeks afterwards out of guilt.

The thing is though, I went to university and still managed to fcuk it all up anyways. I never did fall in love with some highly educated high flyer man either but instead am many years still madly in love and happy with a man who does not have a degree or lots of cash but who now has a regular job that he is good at and makes him happy. I only went back to university in later years and getting started on my chosen career path. Some of the girls I knew who had a child as a teenager had all this career stuff figured out years before me! We don't have our own house built or bought, we rent but maybe someday in the future would like to buy somewhere. For now we are happy enough and in many ways our lives are really only starting to kick off in some new exciting directions.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that plans can change drastically with or without the arrival of a baby and it may not always be for the worst.

When I think about whether I regret my decision I find it very hard to answer to myself.

If I had made a different decision I would never have had so many years of freedom and fun that I'm still enjoying tbh and we are still very doubtful about whether we will ever want children because we still love that freedom so much. He is open to children and would be happy enough to have children but he has said it's not a dealbreaker at all if I choose not to. It's something we will have to think about more seriously now in the coming years because of my age, and whilst for now I am certainly in the "no children" camp, I also know that if I did unexpectedly fall pregnant I would no longer think it was a catastrophe and I know that I would definitely want to just work through the difficulties and setbacks this time around.

I do often wonder what my life would be like now if I had a 10 year old child. Extremely different for sure and not the lifestyle we are accustomed to right now, but I can't help myself from thinking that maybe it wouldn't have been so bad, from looking at friends with children the same age, even the single parents too, certainly nowhere near as bad as terrified 17 year old me envisioned.

I think I can say I don't necessary regret my decision, but what I hugely regret and always will regret for the rest of my life are the reasons behind my decision.

I cared too much about what other people thought and I didn't educate myself properly on the fact or ways that my education and career could have still continued and my life wouldn't really have been ruined with a baby. Like I said, it wasn't necessary the wrong decision to make and I have enjoyed the freedom of being childfree and life hasn't been too bad to me since. But I made my decision out of FEAR and for that I can't help but often feel like nothing but a selfish spineless coward and wonder what might have been otherwise. I try to tell myself that I was only young, but still can't stop that feeling eating at me regularly.

I realise you are in a different position in that you are more mature than I was and already have 2 children so already know what it is really like to raise a baby whereas I could only guess but never really know. I know you have your own worries still though about things in your career and maybe seeing as you are just starting to progress in that area again maybe it is wise to be concerned about how a child would affect that.

Your main reason for your decision though seems to be the relationship with the father as you've said if he rekindled the relationship you would definitely want to have this pregnancy.

You are already coping with raising two children separate from this same man, and only you know or have an idea what it would be like doing the same thing again with a third. I wish I could answer that for you but I have no experience to offer advice with regards that.

If you feel that it would just be too much, or that now is just certainly not the right time in your life for a new addition then that doesn't make you a bad person.

If you can make your decision logically and rationally and knowing in your heart that it is definitely the best choice for you and that you know it is the best overall decision then whatever that decision is, it's the one to take.

All I'm asking is that you don't make your decision solely out of fear and panic without thinking everything through. You don't want to be like I was, bawling my eyes out at the clinic, KNOWING that I wasn't 100% sure but still going ahead with it anyways. It didn't work out too bad for me in the end but still wasn't ideal and a huge chunk of me thinks I would possibly have made a different decision if I had thought about it a little more.

But if the reasonings behind your decision are heartfelt, rational and sound, then I believe the decision itself will also be sound whatever that decision may be. xx

silverbolt

Your body, your choice OP. I wish you all the best with it.

The main advice i can give you is that keep the circle of people who know about this as small as possible.

Dellnum

This is very sad OP. You have the house and financial support if you go through with the pregnancy so that's something. I am not in your shoes so I can't offer any advice.

Shrap

helpAdviceneeded wrote: »

I feel for my two children the most who deserve a better mam than me and to not get caught out like this.

OP, you're a single mum of two and so am I. I know exactly how hard that can be, even with the support of their father. I can't count the number of times I've turned on myself over my most difficult decisions and choices and agonised over the "what ifs" of life. As you know, when you're parenting alone there is realistically nobody there every day to share the burden of those life-changing decisions with and you take them on just as you take on full parenting responsibility - all on your own shoulders.

I'm going to tell you categorically and without fear of contradiction that you are your children's rock, you are their world and you are their primary source of comfort and care. They do NOT deserve better; they deserve you, their Mam. If you're anything like me, you'll be weeping buckets reading that because you won't believe it, am I right?! And yet, there's you agonising about how your children might feel, whichever decision you make. The sign of a wonderful parent.

You're going through a hard time right now, but you've done that before and you've steadied yourself up for their sakes, yes? You'll do that again. Making a choice about what's best for you and your's is what you are doing. Whatever choice you make is not you being selfish, it's you being responsible and knowing your limits as a parent. I'm sure you've met your limits before and can imagine only too well which decision would push you beyond them. Stay strong.

Sending a massive hug your way xx

skepticalone

dont let anyone talk you out of it with sanctimonious clap trap if you have already decided you cant cope at this point in time , you need to look after yourself , I made the same decision a few years ago in similar circumstances to you and it was the correct decision for me and my children . I do not regret it . All the best x

LegacyUser

Sharp - Thank you so much for your message. That means a lot.

Being a single parent is so hard I know 100% that I cannot add a baby to the mix. Add on the fact that my ex is now being a total a*ss!!.

I have spoken to a friend and a family member last night who are both supporting me in my decision. I know I making the right decision.

Thank you all for your messages of support appreciate it x

LCD

OP I feel for you and the situation you are in. As others have said the decision you make is the right one.

ManOfMystery

Abortion is obviously a contentious issue, so when asking for opinions you're going to get a bit of both sides of the argument, usually. I can only echo what others have said - you have to do what is best for YOU at this point in time. You also have 2 children already who would be affected by this decision and need to consider their best needs also.

As a mother, you have already gone through pregnancy, raising children and all it entails - so you're in a better position to trust your gut instinct than someone who doesn't know the path ahead.

Best of luck with whatever you do.

frostyjacks

Take your time to think over all the consequences for everyone concerned. Don't rush into doing something which you might regret for the rest of your life.

amdublin

A very tough situation all round op. Very best wishes to you over the next while. Be kind to yourself - you sound like you are doing as great as you possibly can. Take care.

LegacyUser

It is not an easy decision that you have made.

You already have 2 childen and your working. If you have this baby you know you will be on your own and money wise it will be hard. Your not just thinking of yourself but of the 2 children you already have.

I think your making the right choice here. It is very easy for other people to say to you keep this baby but long term you know how hard it can be at times to bring up children. It is hard when your on your own, with out much day to day or financial support.
You have spoken to ex partner about this baby. His attitude is I will support you money wise. I won't move back in with you now and I might not move back in with you in the future. In other words I really don't care to much.
I don't know what ages your other children are but as children get older the expenses get higher.

I would tell as few people as possible about your plans. Some people are very anti abortion and can be quite vocal about this. I have a friend like this. I don't think it is an easy decision you have made but in your circumstances I think your doing the right thing.

LegacyUser

I never see updates on these kind of threads but wanted to give one in case someone going through it reads it.

It is all over with now! I don't have any regrets and 100% certain I made the right choice. However it is still very hard - I have no one to talk about it and I am feeling very lonely. The two people who do know I can't be bothering them all the time especially at this time of the year and I just putting on a happy face saying I am all good.

My ex who said he was going to support me has not bothered at all with me since. I know this sounds terrible but I am more heartbroken over that then the actual abortion. I don't know what I was expecting from him.

Anyway happy face on for my two kids at this special time of the year.

Thank you everyone who gave me advice last week.

Diamond Doll

I'm glad that you made the right choice for you. It must be tough, but it does sound like you did the right thing.

I'm sorry you're not getting more support. Perhaps ring The Samaritans if you're feeling down about it? I've had to ring them a few times recently, it really helped to get my thoughts out of my head with someone totally anonymous and non-judgemental. Could be worth a try!

Hope you enjoy Christmas as much as you can. x

Shrap

helpAdviceneeded wrote: »

My ex who said he was going to support me has not bothered at all with me since. I know this sounds terrible but I am more heartbroken over that then the actual abortion. I don't know what I was expecting from him.

There's a reason he's not right for you hon. Whatever about him being your kids' father, you deserve someone to stand by you through thick and thin.

You're such a strong lady. You're going this alone, as you would have if you'd taken the other (more dangerous) road. I wish I could bring you out for a night or something tbh. Maybe you'll get a night off after xmas to spend time with those mates of your's (who I'm full sure would want to hear how you're doing, regardless of how much you feel you've leaned on them for support already). Don't be lonely if it's avoidable, please - you sound so lovely and I'm so sure your friends only need to hear the word and they'll be there with you, even at xmas.

Still though, yup...stick on the smile to cover the feelings, but also give yourself a pat on the back for how well you are handling what was a massive crisis, and how little the kids are affected by it. Well done you. Raising a mince pie and a glass of wine to you right now xxx

Rubberchikken

Take care of yourself and your children over the holiday. Make sure you get support and a listening ear when and if you need it.
Good luck

another36

helpAdviceneeded wrote: »

I never see updates on these kind of threads but wanted to give one in case someone going through it reads it.

It is all over with now! I don't have any regrets and 100% certain I made the right choice. However it is still very hard - I have no one to talk about it and I am feeling very lonely. The two people who do know I can't be bothering them all the time especially at this time of the year and I just putting on a happy face saying I am all good.

My ex who said he was going to support me has not bothered at all with me since. I know this sounds terrible but I am more heartbroken over that then the actual abortion. I don't know what I was expecting from him.

Anyway happy face on for my two kids at this special time of the year.

Thank you everyone who gave me advice last week.

Well his distance shows u were right that you would have been left on ur own.

You did what was right for you and your family never forget that.

Be kind to yourself try relax and enjoy xmas with the kids

amdublin

Be kind to yourself over the next while. If you can get a child minder treat yourself to some time just for you. Go to starbucks and with a good book or newspaper enjoy a warm comforting drink. or even no book just enjoy a hot chocolate and the time to think.


Your GP is also there for you talk to - not sure if you need a physical check up after the abortion - and you could talk to them at the same time.

eviltwin

OP do make sure you get your six week check up. It's free from any of the well woman or family planning clinics. They are non judgemental and can offer counselling if you need it. It's a natural part of the process to want to talk about it, it's a major event in your life after all. Mentally, physically, emotionally you've been through a lot and this might be the first time you've been able process it all. Be kind to yourself, it does take time for your hormones to settle so you can feel a bit all over the place for a while. It does get easier. I'm sorry your ex has been so unavailable but he might be going through his own stuff with this too. You are not alone so don't be afraid to confide in people you trust if you need to.