Unhappy

dragona

I could go anon but cannot be bothered.
I am unhappy with my marriage. I should really go to a therapist or something and let it all out but cannot afford it.

Have been married 19 years together 28 . My husband says really really nasty things when he gets angry. Last thing was he said he wished he was having an affair and then at least he would be happy. I have had enough. There is so much back story I don't know where to start.

GardeningGirl

Hi OP, im sorry to hear this. Where/when did this rift between you begin?

kjl

dragona wrote: »

I could go anon but cannot be bothered.
I am unhappy with my marriage. I should really go to a therapist or something and let it all out but cannot afford it.

Have been married 19 years together 28 . My husband says really really nasty things when he gets angry. Last thing was he said he wished he was having an affair and then at least he would be happy. I have had enough. There is so much back story I don't know where to start.

Look I can't really talk. I haven't been with anyone as long as you and your husband, but my parents have been together for 45 years and if my father said anything as hurtful as that to my mother he would have been out on his ear.

Anger is no excuse to be rude to your partner like that. I can only assume you are writing this post argument. Would you like to tell us about it?

desbrook

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You are crying for help OP but by the sounds of it so is he. The fact that you both recognise things aren't right is actually a positive. I'm no expert but a starting point might be that you both agree to list where you think things could be improved in your relationship. Maybe take a few days. When you both are ready come together and calmly LISTEN to the others grievances. No judgment just listen. Maybe you both want the same things maybe not - but without listening you'll never know.

dragona

Well, where do I begin.
I think a lot of the problems have to do with sex, unfortunately.

We used to have a great intimate life up until maybe seven years ago. He went ahead and started up a business behind my back, without discussing any of it with me, and I felt very hurt and betrayed. Obviously the story is a lot more involved than that,and there were other factors, but as a result we argued and argued, I was made to leave my job as he decided we were *moving* which admittedly I probably would have had to leave at some point anyway due to illness.

Long story short,our sex life suffered. I decided that I was no longer going to dress up etc, and told him so. My heart wasn't in it to do it.

I would just like to say that in these intervening years I have been quite ill, resulting in 7 breast surgeries, a hysterectomy, two bowel surgeries, a joint replacement. I was taking steroids and beta blockers and as a result put on a fair bit of weight, which has now been lost, so not looking too shabby at the moment!;)

I no longer work, he finishes very late at night,I am alone all evening every evening, and he will stay downstairs till 3am watching films etc. I have asked him countless times to come up earlier, he doesn't.

Sex has been sporadic. He can be quite crude and vulgar when talking about sex, which I hate. A couple of months ago he came downstairs naked and started to ....... well I just ignored it but he was quite offended by it, I think he thought that would be a way of turning me on. NO.

Then he launched a tirade of nasty insults, telling me I had body issues, and that he would never ask me again to dress up for him, in fact he would rather pay someone than ask me again.Nice.

Really I've had enough now. There is so so much more, not sex related but I would be here typing all day.:mad:

heretochat

God what is it with marriage and sex problems? Every day on here there is a thread bemoaning the sexual relationship post-marriage.

Re: your thread OP I am wondering whether your ongoing health problems have had a long lasting negative effect on your OH. Did you talk much about these as you were going through them? Was he much of a support?

I'm just wondering whether he has withdrawn from you as a result of some mental stuff he is going through himself as a result of all this.

You say he stays up watching films all night. Do you know is he watching a lot of porn? This may account for his loss of sexual interest in you also.

I can see why you would have given up dressing sexily for him given what he said to you. That was truly nasty. You know him better than we do and what do you think made him say this?

I have said before on here that a healthy sexual life is part of what we all need. If you are not prepared to compromise your desires in this area, you really need to have a talk with your OH about how this is all making you feel.

LegacyUser

dragona wrote: »

Well, where do I begin.
I think a lot of the problems have to do with sex

No they don't, sex is just a symptom. Here's your issue right here;

dragona wrote: »

He went ahead and started up a business behind my back, without discussing any of it with me, and I felt very hurt and betrayed. Obviously the story is a lot more involved than that,and there were other factors, but as a result we argued and argued, I was made to leave my job as he decided we were *moving* which admittedly I probably would have had to leave at some point anyway due to illness.

Quite how one would manage *not* to harbour major resentment about that I don't know. You had 3 major life decisions made for you. I would think a lot of marriages wouldn't survive that and as you can see, yours was one of them because staying together with nothing but anger at each other isn't a marriage, it's just a habit.

If you want to restore and improve your marriage, the two of you need counselling. Your sex life may someday be restarted as a result of that and an improvements in the respect you have for yourselves and each other and improvements in communication. Imagining that sex is the problem and/or the solution is putting the cart before the horse at best.

If I'm being honest though, personally I wouldn't work at this relationship. He treated you badly by making decisions for you and now treats you terribly, with the abuse of withdrawal and silence and sexual demands without the framework of a loving relationship. I wouldn't be putting up with that myself. Perhaps there was a time when you had a good relationship, other than just a good sex life, but it looks to be so long ago and so far removed from where you are now that I would question if it can be restored. Obviously, that's a decision for you, but I'd suggest you put it on the list of possibilities.

dragona

You are so right - it will snow in hell before he agrees to counselling,and I am not sure if I want to bother.Very tired of it all. Will have a long hard think again:(

LegacyUser

dragona wrote: »

Well, where do I begin.
I think a lot of the problems have to do with sex, unfortunately.

We used to have a great intimate life up until maybe seven years ago. He went ahead and started up a business behind my back, without discussing any of it with me, and I felt very hurt and betrayed. Obviously the story is a lot more involved than that,and there were other factors, but as a result we argued and argued, I was made to leave my job as he decided we were *moving* which admittedly I probably would have had to leave at some point anyway due to illness.

Long story short,our sex life suffered. I decided that I was no longer going to dress up etc, and told him so. My heart wasn't in it to do it.

I would just like to say that in these intervening years I have been quite ill, resulting in 7 breast surgeries, a hysterectomy, two bowel surgeries, a joint replacement. I was taking steroids and beta blockers and as a result put on a fair bit of weight, which has now been lost, so not looking too shabby at the moment!;)

I no longer work, he finishes very late at night,I am alone all evening every evening, and he will stay downstairs till 3am watching films etc. I have asked him countless times to come up earlier, he doesn't.

Sex has been sporadic. He can be quite crude and vulgar when talking about sex, which I hate. A couple of months ago he came downstairs naked and started to ....... well I just ignored it but he was quite offended by it, I think he thought that would be a way of turning me on. NO.

Then he launched a tirade of nasty insults, telling me I had body issues, and that he would never ask me again to dress up for him, in fact he would rather pay someone than ask me again.Nice.

Really I've had enough now. There is so so much more, not sex related but I would be here typing all day.:mad:

Im going anon for this. Your relationship is similar to mine with the sexes reversed. 4 weeks ago I started to see a Councillor. 3 years since we had relations of an intimate nature. TBH, I get embarassed changing in front of her as i feel I no longer know her.
Anyway I went to councillor last tuesday he asked me why I stayed with her. I have been thinking about this alot since. We have prob spoked ten words since tuesday. Problem is i have three early teens. I wont leave them.

But then again therapist made me think that maybe after christmas its time to bale out.

Keep strong, dont think too much about your relationship. I now go to the pictures on my own once a week (tuesday is 5er day). I say as little as possible. When voices raise i just say nice and camly "please dont speak to me like that".