When Siblings Drift Apart

LegacyUser

I used to be really close with my younger brother, and I would have considered him my best friend. I have other friends but we just got each other and I would always tell him good news first, we would have the best craic when together and just generally got on like a house on fire, hung out together, etc

That all changed when he found a girlfriend. I was never invited to his birthday party when he met her - which in fairness to him, he had just met her and wanted to keep things separate.
He has completely changed since meeting her, notably getting very tight with his money.
She nags him quite a lot and puts him down in public, which really gets to me as I think the world of him and would always want the best for him.
Anyway apart from that she seems good for him, they have been living together a few years and have a child together.

I just really miss the closeness we used to have. I had a significant birthday this year and they never got me a present, no excuses or anything, just nothing. It wasn't that I wanted a material thing, just more a token that he thought of me as his sister.
As a family we are a gift-giving one, before anyone thinks I'm being material and petty.
He lives a few hundred miles away from his home and whenever he comes to visit (once in a while), it's rarely to catch up with the rest of us, but more to spend time with his partner.

He visited my Mum this weekend and when I called into them, I barely got any conversation out of him, he just spent the time chatting quietly to his partner.
We are both in our thirties.

Anyway I find the whole thing upsetting and I've tried to not care, and realise that people drift apart as time goes by. I just can't see any real reason why there is this distance. It has nothing to do with them having a child. The distance was there before that. We would still get on like a house on fire if we did spend any quality time together.
It feels like I'm grieving what was.

I've chatted to my Mum about this and she had a similar relationship with her brother. They were close and he would have given anything to my Mum but once he settled down that disappeared and he became as tight as tuppence. Mum reckons they both met very controlling women.

Anyway does anyone have any advice? Has anyone been through anything similar?
I honestly never thought our relationship would have deteriorated like this, it always felt like one of the stable ones in my life.

Thank you for reading

R.D. aka MR.D

Did anything happen between the girlfriend and you?

Ursus Horribilis

Have you tried reaching out to him? Invite him to things, ring him up etc?

Hemerodrome

I don't get your excuse for his failure to invite you to his birthday,there was no real need to keep things separate and if there was it should have been her that missed out owing to the newness of their relationship,not you. That sounds like she's been controlling him from the beginning and now with distance and a child he's totally in her grip. Any reason you couldn't talk to him and ask what's going on? Call him instead of waiting 'til he visits and can't talk with her around.

LegacyUser

Have seen it happen with friends and family.

Funnily enough, I have come to the conclusion that some when like being in this situation - it makes life 'easier' for them.. they don't have to make decisions or be hassled to keep in touch with people.

How long is it since it happened? They have a child together so it's not like you can split them up but you could make your feelings known to him about how disappointed you are that you are not still close.

Could it be, that reconnecting with you and your family would make him realise more and more how much is has 'f*cked' up... When I was living a girl in London in my 20s, who I I should have broken up with, but youth and pride got in the way, when I would come home, it only reminded me of what I was missing out on AND, what I had missed out on. It was like shining a torch on the problem... I was avoiding a break up, avoiding coming back to live in Ireland etc. It was easier not to come home or stay connected.

So, when he's with her he can live that life but when he comes back, he doesn't want to face up to the issues that going out with her has caused for him with you guys.....

Once he opens up about it, it could open floodgates that he wants to stay firmly shut.

Just a theory.

LegacyUser

sadrightnow wrote: »

He lives a few hundred miles away from his home and whenever he comes to visit (once in a while), it's rarely to catch up with the rest of us, but more to spend time with his partner.

He visited my Mum this weekend and when I called into them, I barely got any conversation out of him, he just spent the time chatting quietly to his partner.
We are both in our thirties.

Are you saying when he comes to visit your mum he just spends the time chatting with his wife as opposed to interacting with the rest of the family?

LegacyUser

When a person marries, it's completely normal that their partner becomes their number 1 and their new family unit along with whatever children they may have.

The family of origin become extended family. Ireland and some other countries seem to have a massively difficult time with this and it's worse in matriarchal families.

When a family of origin then push and shove and rail against this natural progression in the adult childs life, to stay 'top dogs', it causes the relationship to progressively disintegrate as they cling onto the old way. But it's always the partners fault to these people, demonising them and using words such as controlling and spineless. There are some great books about Boundaries and family relationships out there which can make great christmas gifts.

Flippyfloppy

Tight? I don't get how that comes into the equation, he has a partner & child to support, bills etc. that doesn't come cheap!

banoffe2

HI OP
My heart goes out to you as I have walked in your shoes; I totally understand where you are coming from. You are not alone, I can appreciate how it would be normal for the close sibling relationship to change when new partners came on board, but some families seem to bond well, and get on great and others don’t. I was really interested in what your Mom had to say about a similar pattern on her side. We used to say we will never be like our parents not talking to each other’s siblings etc but we are way worse and I don’t see it changing and my hope is that I can stay strong. I am very grateful that I was able to get on without them and reach my best, even in the toughest of human challenges.
Both my parents now deceased, the family dynamic on both sides became fractured and never mended, they took their resentments and issues to the grave, and we were all very aware of this growing up, in fact I have an uncle whom I never met, this wall all over land. It is hard to switch from being close and connected to being given a wide berth without anything being said, the distance and isolation is like the elephant in the room. It is something that families never talk about and the years roll on and it is a pity but not uncommon.
I have no contact with my 2 siblings now for the past 10 years, no issues about land or anything like that on my side the issue with them against me is that they expected me to take sides against another sibling whom they had issues with, which they never resolved, sadly this sibling has since taken his own life, the unhealthy family system did serious damage to his spirit and mental health
The only time we were in the same place was at my brother’s and mother’s funerals there was no talk and nothing changed since and to be honest I don’t expect it to. It takes time to adjust and accept the loss and change and that sense of family bond and belonging that we once enjoyed.
I would salute my siblings when I seldom see them as I don’t live near them, their body language gives a clear message that they would much prefer if I didn’t, however it feels good to be able to make that move and hold no bitterness or grudges as it is very destructive. I do my best to focus on what is good in my life as I wasted too much time being miserable over their behaviour and coldness towards me, if you know in your heart that you did your best, there is no more you can do only to try your best to live your own life, you can and will get through it and it is good that you can talk to your Mam about it as humans we have great resilience to adapt to change. Try not to take it personally as we are only responsible for our own behaviour and how others behave doesn’t define us.

stickybookmark

Its only natural wrote: »

When a person marries, it's completely normal that their partner becomes their number 1 and their new family unit along with whatever children they may have.

The family of origin become extended family. Ireland and some other countries seem to have a massively difficult time with this and it's worse in matriarchal families.

When a family of origin then push and shove and rail against this natural progression in the adult childs life, to stay 'top dogs', it causes the relationship to progressively disintegrate as they cling onto the old way. But it's always the partners fault to these people, demonising them and using words such as controlling and spineless. There are some great books about Boundaries and family relationships out there which can make great christmas gifts.

Thing is there doesn't seem to be a drift from the wife's family of origin in these situations (or her friends) only from the husband's family of origin & friends!

One good thing about experiencing this via my own brother is it's made me very conscious of not being ''that sort of wife'' to my husband. I go out of my way to make sure he maintains a close bond with his family and his friends (which includes putting up with people I don't like) and I'll Always travel and put myself out to make sure our kids get to see lots of his family. So every cloud has a silver lining! I could have easily slipped into the same pattern if i hadn't been on the receiving end of it!

LegacyUser

Usually it's the bloke's family that get possessive and clingy.
Sometimes you can try all you want and these issues won't resolve unless the wife is a complete and utter doormat for these types. And again 'that kind of wife' gets blamed, misogyny at its finest.

(Just to clarify bookmark, I am in no way meaning your situation, if you are happy and there is balance for you and them then well done)

stickybookmark

Its only natural 2 wrote: »

Usually it's the bloke's family that get possessive and clingy.
Sometimes you can try all you want and these issues won't resolve unless the wife is a complete and utter doormat for these types. And again 'that kind of wife' gets blamed, misogyny at its finest.

(Just to clarify bookmark, I am in no way meaning your situation, if you are happy and there is balance for you and them then well done)

We're clearly on opposite sides of the divide here itsonlynatural

_Whimsical_

It may be nothing to do with his wife or their relationship. It might be just that he has changed himself, that his priorities have shifted and at this point in your lives he doesn't feel you have much in common or feel your shared bond as keenly as he used to. That doesn't mean he won't do so again. Sometimes you have to let go and give people the space to grow and be themselves and they will in time come to see the value in your relationship and want to pick up those treads of relationship again. Your job for now is just to live your own life and to try not to let bitterness towards him or his wife creep into you so that someday you both can pick things up again . I totally understand that you're very hurt though and that's difficult.

I'm surprised you mention him becoming "tight" and wonder why that's a particular ssue for you. You mentioned how your mum's brother used to give her anything until he married too and from that I presume your brother was once very generous to you with his money or spending . Has he been someone you could rely on to help out financially? If that's the case that could be a problem for him at this point and it could likely be an issue between him and his wife. I think you'd have to accept that's not a role a sibling can play for another adult sibling without breeding resentment . Don't ask him for money or hint you might need it. Maybe focus on seeing what you could bring to his life. Maybe offer to babysit while he and his wife go to a wedding /go away for a night or something like that. Taking a genuine loving interest in his child is a good way to find comon ground again.

melissak

Did the coolness s come after they had their child. It is possible that they, like many new parents are a bit overwhelmed with their own family obligations and do not have time or energy for much outside that
Do you visit them in their space or expect him to come to yours like before. Have you offered to babysit you r niece or nephew so they can have some time alone, and also so you can bond with this new little family member? If this is definitely not the case is it possible that his girlfriend feels not accepted by your family? Does she have a distant relationship with her family and thus sees the closeness of your family as overbearing?
Regarding the gift issue, I don't buy gifts at all now for adults in either family because there are just too many and to buy for one and not others seems unfair. It is accepted by both families that everyone buys just for children

Ursus Horribilis

sadrightnow wrote:

It has nothing to do with them having a child. The distance was there before that.

OP, unlike the other here I'm not picking up that it's the natural drift that happens when your brother or sister forms a relationship and has a child. I don't get the excuses other people are coming up with here. Coming to visit his mum and then spending the time just talking to his partner is downright rude. Sadly, it goes to show the way things are in his world. They're so wrapped up in each other (or at least he's so wrapped up in her) that his original family don't matter any more.

The only thing I can suggest to you is to try and keep the channels of communication open with him. I can't see the pair of you ever having the relationship you had prior to him meeting his partner but maybe things might improve if you make an effort. I also wonder does he detect that you don't like his partner? That may not work in your favour. Have you ever tried inviting them to come visit you? Or to some sort of family event or other. Maybe if the whole family tried harder to reach out to him, he might make more of an effort?