How do you 'let go'

lyinghere

My ex and I split up over a year ago but I still have very strong feelings for him.

I have done my best to move on, I genuinely have tried. I've went on dates, triathlons , takwn on exams , busy social life.

The relationship never really ended naturally as we met abroad and now live in diff countries. We broke up when we realised neither of us wanted to move to the others country.

The relationship has become very toxic since breakup which was very ammicable at the time. We have gone from being best friends to I don't know what. He will message me from time to time saying something about really missing me from time to time but if I suggest we have a proper chat or something its not well received or ignored.

I know only too well if he was really cared he would have made it happen. But I still have all these feelings that I can't shake off. I feel like they will be there until one or the other of us meets someone new.

I really need to speak with him to try get some closure but I don't think he wants to let me have that closure.

The annoying thing is that whenever I feel I've made progress he will come right back in to my life. Last August I was feeling great with life and he just messaged saying he really needed to speak with me. I know it's probably drunk talk but it just throws me. I was short in my responce knowing this but then a few weeks later after analysing it I messaged him asking him did he want to have a chat to clear the air. He said he would. He also said he was visiting Ireland maybe in Dec and Jan. I asked conversationally was he staying with a mutual friend and he didn't reply to that which did hurt a bit.

Last Christmas he messaged me saying he missed me and thinks of me a lot. I just responded saying Happy Christmas because I didn't want him getting sentimental at Christmas to let me get carried away. He further tried to start a conversation but I didn't respond because I didn't want to spoil my Christmas with a fight if one started.

I miss him too and I feel there's a very realistic chance that he will message again this Christmas. I just don't want to be in this same situation next year. I can't believe it's still going on this year. He has also strung me along by alluding to potentially visiting Dublin in Dec or Jan, which I don't think will happen but does have me wondering am I going to bump into him out some weekend. So he's in my head.

My problem is I don't want to cut him out of my life fully ( block him on Facebook ) it feels final and I'll have been the one who drew a line under it completely and always wonder and have regrets. I wish he would cut me out and then I could move on. But I don't think he will do that until he has met someone new also.

Any advice for moving on ? These thoughts go around my head every day. I'm sick of them and want a new perspective. It was very short relationship so I know how pathetic this sounds but he was my best friend and I feel this relationship did not have a natural end. It makes me sad . I just miss him.

I don't chat with my friends about it anymore and when I do they didn't offer any significant advice . I think I need to hear the harsh truth that they may have been holding back to spare my feelings. I know how sad it sounds but I finding it hard to draw a line under it. I'm fed up of thinking about it.

strandroad

I feel that you do need to cut him out. If he really wanted to be with you, he'd be at your door and not blowing hot and cold in unfinished message trails.

drunkmonkey

You need to end it, delete or block his number, unfriend him on Facebook etc. Down to topaz get enough petrol to burn that bridge like you stole it.

That's all drink talk when he's texting etc, pay no heed to it. Move on.

PressRun

You need to cut him off, even if it's difficult. Otherwise he's just going to keep messaging you and stringing you along when he feels a bit lonely or has had too much to drink. If he really wanted to give the relationship another go, he'd be making more of an effort rather than sending the odd drunken text. It just sounds like head-wrecking nonsense. You're better off drawing a line under this one and putting a stop to all the messing about yourself. You're never going to be able to move on otherwise.

CaraMay

He's using you got an ego boost and that's it op. If it was anything more you would have your closure by now. Why keep feeding the bear? He's no interest in anything other than having his own ego fed. Block him and move on. It's going nowhere.

suicide_circus

Why was up to him to "make it happen if he really cared"? By which I presume you mean emigrate for you. Why didn't you make it happen?

lyinghere

suicide_circus wrote: »

Why was up to him to "make it happen if he really cared"? By which I presume you mean emigrate for you. Why didn't you make it happen?

Meant if he really did want to get in contact properly he would have picked up the phone by now. Our last message trail was me suggesting a call to clear the air and he said he'd like that and that he was coming to Ireland soon. I asked him if that week suited for a call to which he didn't respond. So I feel like I've made the effort.

Before its just been these headwrecking messages of how much he misses me and thinks of me a lot that he sends every now and again. There's no substance to the messages. They are nice ish but not much good to me.

It doesn't feel over. Feels like a matter of time before he gets in contact again and I don't want it to throw me like it did the last time.

Cheers for the advice. I agree with everything and think cutting him off is something in gonna have to do because he's not gonna until my replacement is found.

fits

You have made the effort. You have left the door open long enough. I understand why you want to keep it open for him, many of us have been there. But its holding you back from getting over him. If he were really truly serious, he would get in contact properly, but he isnt.

Take back control and block him and refuse to answer any more of his half arsed attempts to contact you. You will feel much better.

Btw, when he realises this and that you are really cutting him off, be prepared for him to contact you, but he has had his chance.