Anxious over harassment

LegacyUser

Recently I have been the subject of harassment. It is not all the time but happens sporadically I thought it was a one off but it has happened a few times now every couple of months.

One night I got about 50 text messages (and a load of calls) that were very disgusting but were clearly written by a drunk person and half gibberish so I confronted the person, they appeared to be very genuinely sorry but then a few months later it happens again and that seems to be the pattern. It hasn't happened in ages but that does not mean it's gone and I jump if a text comes in late in the evening.

Other strange things have also happened, I am not sure if they are co incidental or if I'm paranoid.

This person is in my immediate social circle and lives near me and I will not be able to avoid them and will often have to meet them at events etc. One night I was driving home and I saw them on my road so I drove back out and sat in a shopping centre car park for 2 hours rather than go home.

What is upsetting me more is that I'm usually a very strong person and can handle most situations but for some reason I'm finding this a huge challenge and that's stressing me out more. I find it is changing my personality and I'm snapping and taking offence at people over throwaway comments and banter which I would normally laugh off. A person told me the other day they will be like walking on egg shells around me after I totally over reacted over something trivial. At the moment I'm a very angry person and I want it to stop. I don't want to feel so stressed all the time.

I'm very limited to who I can talk to about this (given the social circle)and I think that's making it worse for me. I Realise this is very vague (deliberately so) but even writing it down has helped in some way.

thank you for reading.

anewme

You poor thing! These situations can be scary. Happened to a friend of mine and she said it was psychologicallu very tough to deal with.

In case you need to take it further, make sure you keep copies and a diary of all the calls, messages, dates of contact etc. Thus is very important

Look after yourself.

strandroad

Not sure what are the social circle consequences for you, do you mean that they will drop you or turn on you if you tell this person to leave you alone or report them?
Is this social circle good for you then?

CaraMay

Why are you protecting this person? Straight to the guards. You can be sure if they are doing it to you they have other victims as well. Report to the police and keep copies of all texts

Penny Tration

Go to the Gardai and block the person from contacting you through social media and phone

LegacyUser

It is the partner of a friend unfortunately.

I know the family would be gutted so I thought if I told him to back off he would and that would be the end of it and things would be back to normal. I know he is under a lot of stress with certain things so I put it down to that.

rainbowtrout

Isolated wrote: »

It is the partner of a friend unfortunately.

I know the family would be gutted so I thought if I told him to back off he would and that would be the end of it and things would be back to normal. I know he is under a lot of stress with certain things so I put it down to that.

Stress is not an excuse for sending you 50 abusive texts in one night. And doing it on a number of occasions.

Go to the guards. Show them the texts. Block the number on your phone.

Sun in Capri

I would tell him that if anything of this nature happens again you will go to the guards. You are sorry he is under stress but that does not give him the right to do this to you. This behavior is not acceptable and your first responsibility is to yourself, not your friend's partner's family. I hope you get this sorted as soon as possible as it sounds like a terrible experience. Very best wishes.

CaraMay

And you don't think your friend needs to know what they are dealing with? Not trying to kick you when you are down but you need to (a) tell your friend and (b) tell the guards. You are protecting him to the detriment of your own mental health.

strandroad

Isolated wrote: »

It is the partner of a friend unfortunately.

I know the family would be gutted so I thought if I told him to back off he would and that would be the end of it and things would be back to normal. I know he is under a lot of stress with certain things so I put it down to that.

The family will be even more gutted if he's arrested when he escalates ... and they are oblivious.

LegacyUser

I thought I was coping with this, but I'm not. Thank you everyone for your support.

My friend would be gutted and I can't tell her. I can't tell her.

That is upsetting me as I'm usually the person on here telling people to do the right thing. That's why I've so much pent up anger. It was only when I snapped the head off some poor innocent friend over nothing that I realised I'm on the edge with this.

I feel I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't. I'm acting differently around my friend and I've already opted out if a lot of events.

I feel somehow it's my fault but it's not. I've examined every bit of my behaviour with him to see if I've led him on in any way. And the answer is no.

I want to feel safe and happy in my own home. I don't want dead animals left to "frighten" me.

Going to the guards is not an option.

This is horrible. But I feel better even saying it. Thai you for listening.

I'm usually tough as old boots but this is too much. I'm angry at myself for not coping.

Merkin

Why do you mention dead animals OP?

strandroad

Are you finding dead animals left for you?

I'm sorry but you do need to report it, this has crossed into the physical realm, why would you expose yourself and his family to this?

rainbowtrout

OP, you have to report this. You are suffering because of it. Your friend might be gutted, but in the long run would probably want to know she is in a relationship with someone who is abusing and intimidating another woman so she can make her own decision about him.

allym

rainbowtrout wrote: »

OP, you have to report this. You are suffering because of it. Your friend might be gutted, but in the long run would probably want to know she is in a relationship with someone who is abusing and intimidating another woman so she can make her own decision about him.

This OP. You're friend deserves to know who her partner is. And most of all YOU deserve to have your life back. Please, please put yourself and your health first.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your support.

meeeeh

These kind of bullies thrive on secrecy. We had to deal with them and as much as you try to ignore it because you don't want a scene it affects your life and you don't feel safe in your home anymore. All we had to do was to text his wife, there was not a pip out of the bully since then. He had power only when his behaviour was secret.

Emme

OP please go to the Gardai. If you care about your friend do you want her to stay with someone who harasses somebody else?

Makapakka

Please go and report this. Show them the messages. Your mental health is most important here, even if it's hard to believe. Please do this as soon as you can.

bp

OP you have to give him one final warning and then go to the guards.

I was mildly intimated three times....once reported it to a superior and the person was very apologetic and honestly didn't get stop meant stop (no malice just thought they were being funny), the second stopped with the threat of guards (drunk late teen lads who thought they could threaten rape over voicemail -that one freaked me out as I wasn't yet 20) and the third may have been fired (I found out he was doing it to a number of people, a male in a position of power) - I could ignore it but when I spoke to a girl who was genuinely scared I told his employer (not mine) and had a face to face meeting with his employer to show the evidence.

Now the above was over the space of 15 years but you need to stand up to bullies.

You may lose a friendship but it isn't worth it. Also he maybe doing it to other females in the group

Lantus

What if the stress this person is under becomes so much they hurt themselves, your friend or you? Would your silence be justified then. Having a reliably secret victim like you is not helping this person or your friends relationship.

Sacrificing your life for a single person makes no sense. If they really are your friend they will understand and appreciate your honesty. If they don't then there are 6 billion other people you could be friends with.

Talking to your friend may be enough to nip this in the bud and make your friend aware of the problem. If not then a visit from the guards to caution this fellow should do the trick.

You might be surprised but if the shoe was on the other foot she might have the guards over the same day.

Rachiee

Can you talk to a mutual female friend about what he's doing (granted this could upset his partner even more but she might be able to give you the support to tackle this situation head on. Your anxiety and anger not to mention your isolation are not going to improve until the situation has been dealt with it won't just fizzle out. Also curious re : dead animals ? Has this happened that's pretty serious if it has you really should go to the guards.

intheclouds

meeeeh wrote: »

These kind of bullies thrive on secrecy. We had to deal with them and as much as you try to ignore it because you don't want a scene it affects your life and you don't feel safe in your home anymore. All we had to do was to text his wife, there was not a pip out of the bully since then. He had power only when his behaviour was secret.

^^This - so much this!!

I was being bullied in work by an individual who was very careful only to bully me when there was no one else around. Then he slipped up and didnt realise someone else was there one day.

I was extremely reluctant to say anything, and in fact, had my notice letter typed and printed ready to just leave over it. Instead I told my boss. Who spoke to his boss. Who contacted me. They also contacted the person who had witnessed it unknown to him.

As soon as I reported it and was taken seriously I felt completely bullet proof. He couldnt say anything to me afterwards or he knew I would have gone to his boss again.

I took the power off him. Thats what you have to do.

This person is getting away with it banking on the fact that you wont say anything. You are saying you cant tell the friend or the Guards - but you actually CAN! And you should, because why should you have to suffer at the hands of someone like this? Why are you trying to spare the feelings of his partner at the expense of your own?

Id be willing to bet that not only is this person also harassing other people, but his partner already knows about it on some level. In fact, you coming forward about it might give others the strength to come forward also. Not that thats the reason to go public - the reason is to stop it from continuing.

And you are NOT to blame, you have done nothing wrong. This person is a psycho who is fully responsible for their own behaviour.

ManOfMystery

I know you don't want to upset your friend OP, and you also seem almost apologetic for this guy's actions because he's 'stressed'. That's no excuse.

You really have one option here - look out for number one. If you friend is upset by this, so be it - that's not your fault, and to be frank, not your problem either. Your problem is her partner's behaviour and that's an issue that is up to him to sort out once it's out in the open, not you.

Look after yourself and report this now before it goes any farther. By not looking out for number one, you have ended up stressed yourself, and on here looking for advice on how to deal with this all - is that not an indication you need to resolve this situation?

kylith

I'm with everyone else OP. You need to get this sorted. I know you don't want to upset your friend but you have to look after yourself, and who knows maybe she has some inclination of what he's like and this will give her the impetus to make a break.

When I was in college one guy, who was about 5 years older than average, used to hug the girls in class without permission. Everyone hated it but it wasn't until one girl said 'don't do that. I don't like it.' that everyone realised that it wasn't just them that felt uncomfortable and the guy couldn't get away with his creepy touching any more because everyone knew about it and if he'd tried it again the entire class would have turned on him.

I'd be inclined to really spread the word, even going so far as to say, while in he group, 'Jim, if you ever send me abusive texts again I will go to the Gardaí': then he has nowhere to hide; everyone knows what he's up to, they know you're unhappy about it, and they know what you plan to do about it. Maybe talk to his gf first and give her one last chance to sort him out before you go public.

bp

make sure text him telling him to stop to have evidence that you tried to put a stop to it.

This will help the police

kellyshell

"I feel somehow it's my fault but it's not. I've examined every bit of my behaviour with him to see if I've led him on in any way. And the answer is no. "

This statement is what jumped out for me.

Little story for you: 10 yrs ago a relative of mine was pregnant with her second child with her partner, her partner rang me drunk one night saying he always fancied me and wanted to hook up. I obviously said no and he continued to ring and txt me asking to meet up....he was "mad about me". I never told her because she was pregnant and then had the baby and I just couldn't break her heart telling her. (me and her were great friends and I thought he would get bored after me telling him to f*ck off all the time).

Fast forward two yrs of this and it got bad, somebody told my relative me and him were having an affair and all hell broke lose. No one believed there was nothing going on and I got the blame. She stayed with him and I walked away from that side of the family. Whenever there was family events I would go because I did no wrong and she would cause trouble, every single time.

Moral of the story, if I knew then what I know now I would tell her everything and would definitely not allow it to get to what it ended up being.

Tell your friend everything, show her the texts, if a dead animal is at your house take a pic of that for your friend. Don't let this coward rule your life because he is. if she doesn't believe you that's her choice and she will need to live with it not you.

Sunny Dayz

OP if he's doing this to you and you stay quiet and do nothing, who's to say he's not doing this to other people also who are reacting the same way as yourself.


I would also be worried for your friend - if you know that her partner can behave in such a way - then why are you happy to let her stay in a relationship with him, how to you know that he isn't abusive to her?! If he's capable of behaving like that to you, her friend, then who knows. Sorry if I'm being to speculative...


OP you really do have to speak out. You say you don't want to speak to anyone in your mutual group of friends. Have you a friend or relation who doesn't know him or only knows of him who you might be able to speak to?

CaraMay

Yeah why would you let your friend stay in a relationship with this man?

meeeeh

CaraMay wrote: »

Yeah why would you let your friend stay in a relationship with this man?

Just to add, it's very likely that friend will stand up for her boyfriend and OP will be short of a friend. I'm just realistic, still that is no reason to let bully get away with it.