Found texts from other guy on boyfriend's phone

Bungnew

Hi,

First time poster here and just looking for people's thought or advice. I've been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for going on a year now but we had been seeing each other before that.

So this morning I was on my boyfriend's phone and did what you shouldn't do and went into his messages. I was shocked to find a message conversation between him and another guy that was explicit. I know I shouldn't have checked his messages but it's done now.

Firstly, it's obvious that they slept together in the past, definitely before me though. The first message in the conversation was in 2013 where my boyfriend said he changed his phone and he lost his number and txts.

The next messages in the conversation were not until August and October 2014. I would have been seeing him at this stage. This guy initiated the contact and there was a back and forward of explicit texts. The guy suggested that my boyfriend give him a call when he was back in town. My other half then said he missed their sexy chats and could tell he was horny as usual. There was no further messages but that doesn't mean anything I suppose.

The next message in the conversation was not until this week when my boyfriend sent him a message saying hi, I see you haven't been on whatsapp. The guy replied saying he doesn't use it anymore. My other half replied saying he missed the pics and chats on it. There was then a couple of very explicit messages back and forward about when they used to sleep together. The last message was from your man on Friday and nothing since then.

I don't know if they have just been having horny chats every now and then but haven't met up since we've been going out. There was no messages about meeting up but they've obviously been chatting on whatsapp. However, it seems like they haven't been in touch for a while until this week.

So I'm very upset as it has come out of the blue. I don't know whether to confront him about it or leave it. If I confront him I'll have to admit I checked his messages. I don't want to drive him away as I'm madly in love with him. There's no obvious suggestion he's actually been cheating as it seems they haven't been in contact. However, he initiated the contact this week and they've slept together in the past.

Part of me wishes that I hadn't looked, ignorance is bliss and all that!!

Ten of Swords

It doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong to me. What it boils down to is that this week he sent a message to an ex (partner or friend, doesn't really matter either way) and they reminisced about when they used to sleep together.

From your post it seems that the messages were only about past occasions and there was no discussion of future plans. It also reads to me that your boyfriend has done nothing to deserve your suspicions.

You may deem exchanging explicit messages with an ex as questionable behavior but to some people it's harmless fun and this appears to be the case here.

Decide if you want to confront him or let it go but don't dwell on it for too long or it's going to eat away at you. Personally speaking I would not be happy if a partner went through my phone and made insinuations based on some of my messages.

Bungnew

Thanks for the reply and the good advice. I acknowledge that it was really poor form to check his phone and you're right that I don't want this to eat away at me.

One thing is that I know that he was never in a relationship with this guy (he was with someone else at the time) but obviously just met up with him for sex. I won't get into the history but this was definitely the case.

You can argue I'm splitting hairs but it's not as if he was texting an ex partner but rather someone he just met up for occasional sex. So part of me is just thinking why is he now texting him when he's with me if not to possibly re-initiate contact. You could be right that it's just harmless fun but based on the messages he would have known that contacting him would lead to an explicit exchange. I can speculate that either of them would want to meet but there was nothing indicating a meet in the messages so I could just drive myself crazy thinking what if.

Part of me is saying to just let it go and trust him that hopefully nothing is going on.

Ten of Swords

I don't see the difference between texting an ex and texting a NSA. Would it bother you any less if he had these exchanges with an ex or is it simply because it has been so long since he spoke to this person? If he cheated on his last boyfriend with this guy then that would put a different slant on it and I can see your concern but in the end you need to decide if you trust him enough to believe that it is harmless or something you need to talk out with him.

Do you feel that your relationship is in a good place or has there been animosity or distrust? If so then do you consider it possible he would contact this guy for anything other than just talk?

mattP

Id consider it very suspicious. If it was an old boyfriend it wouldn't be so bad as you have the whole companionship and friendship aspect that's still nice to have after you break up, but the guy is just an old **** buddy, so thered only be one real reason to bring him back in my opinion...

Bungnew

Ten of Swords wrote: »

I don't see the difference between texting an ex and texting a NSA. Would it bother you any less if he had these exchanges with an ex or is it simply because it has been so long since he spoke to this person? If he cheated on his last boyfriend with this guy then that would put a different slant on it and I can see your concern but in the end you need to decide if you trust him enough to believe that it is harmless or something you need to talk out with him.

Do you feel that your relationship is in a good place or has there been animosity or distrust? If so then do you consider it possible he would contact this guy for anything other than just talk?

No he would have hooked up with this guy when he was with his ex. There has been no animosity or reason to distrust thus far, so this has shocked me as I was not expecting it.

GardeningGirl

Hi, well you checked his messages even though you didn't think he was cheating so you obviously have something In your mind causing doubt...
I'd say ask him about it, put your mind at ease, and honesty always pays off in the long run.

One piece of advise, never get the grass is greener syndrome or you'll be looking for it your whole life!

Good luck

TerrorFirmer

I'm dumbfounded that people don't see any issue with this.

The next messages in the conversation were not until August and October 2014. I would have been seeing him at this stage. This guy initiated the contact and there was a back and forward of explicit texts. The guy suggested that my boyfriend give him a call when he was back in town. My other half then said he missed their sexy chats and could tell he was horny as usual. There was no further messages but that doesn't mean anything I suppose.

The next message in the conversation was not until this week when my boyfriend sent him a message saying hi, I see you haven't been on whatsapp. The guy replied saying he doesn't use it anymore. My other half replied saying he missed the pics and chats on it. There was then a couple of very explicit messages back and forward about when they used to sleep together.

That is grossly inappropriate while in a relationship.

You may deem exchanging explicit messages with an ex as questionable behavior but to some people it's harmless fun and this appears to be the case here.

I would wager the vast majority of people would not see their significant other sharing explicit texts with their ex about their previous sexual antics as 'harmless fun'.

Ten of Swords

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

I would wager the vast majority of people would not see their significant other sharing explicit texts with their ex about their previous sexual antics as 'harmless fun'.

Maybe, but it's subjective. Depends on the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable in a relationship, each of which is different.

The point is, op found conversations from this year and the previous 2 and yet did not found anything to suggest that his boyfriend actually did anything, other than send some dirty texts. I would file that under 'looked but didn't touch', at the end of the day op and his boyfriend are together and this guy is at the other end of a phone.

If the messages are a dealbreaker then op should call him on it, if they're not then move on from it.

Best of luck op, whatever you decide. I'm out.