Terrified of what others think of me

LegacyUser

Basically, I have this I suppose one could call it an anxiety issue where I am absolutely petrified of what others think of me, what I do and what I say. After a social encounter, I will go away afterwards and replay every moment of the conversation and the thought that that person may have thought or said something about me sends a shiver up my spine and I beat myself up over it especially if I felt I could have done better by saying or doing something else.

It really sucks because I'm in college now and I feel it's really holding me back. I don't have much of a social life in college and this is quite a sore issue for me as I always thought this would be when I finally came out of myself. I am somewhat involved in the college community as I work as a Resisential Assistant in the campus accommodation but even when I talk to the other RA's I always beat myself up afterwards giving out to myself for saying what I thought was something stupid.

Basically, does anyone know of any coping strategies to deal with this? I've been told I'll just grow out of it by my Mam but I'm 21 now and it still cripples me. Like I come across relatively confident but underneath it, I'm always giving myself an absolute hiding.

Rubberchikken

it's good you're aware of it and want to deal with it.
it's also great that you're involved in a college activity that involves interaction with others.
my advice would be small steps. after a talk with a fellow RA, walk away and tell yourself you did your best. force yourself on to dwell on any of the conversation. and see how things go.
your mom has a point in that you can grow out of it, but it needs a little work on your part to help.

i'm willing to bet that plenty of others you meet on a daily basis often give themselves a hiding for thinking they said/did something they perceive as stupid too. don't be too hard on yourself. you're doing fine.
good luck

Sunflower 27

Have a read up online about CBT for social anxiety. There is plenty of help out there for you.

You can get over this, wishing you all the best

R.D. aka MR.D

This might sound harsh but realising this helped me immensely when I was a teenager and quite similar to yourself:

The world doesn't revolve around you. Other people's lives don't revolve around you.

You are not so important that people spend a lot of time thinking about you.

Seriously, try to understand how self-centred these worries are. You are the most important person in your life just like how everyone is the important in their own lives.

So worrying about what other people think of you is wasted energy. They aren't thinking about you, they aren't analysing their interactions with you. They are thinking bout themselves.

Another poster suggested CBT and I agree. This is a thought pattern that you need to free yourself from.

LegacyUser

OP being honest....I was the same at your age.I'm 33 now.I ok in 'public' but maybe a bit quiet.On my own though, yeah I'd do exactly what you're doing.Beat myself up over every 'stupid' thing I thought I'd said or done in every conversation.
It improved for me with time and maturity.I also have a very good solid group of friends from college, which I think helped me immensely.But it was third or fourth year before I really settled into my skin there.I will say that I am still a fairly shy person.It may not come across that way but I know I'm uncomfortable in large groups of people that are only aquaintances, or that are strangers.I know I"m much better one on one with people.But that's just a side of me I accept...it's just something I find a bit tough and I try to work with it.Quite a few social situations make me a bit anxious, and I don't look forward to them, but I always survive somehow!My husband is quite outgoing and I really admire him for it, because I find it much harder.
My advice to you would be to keep trying.CBT can help, but I think it should improve with age for you, as you start to really realise that everyone has their own hang ups and that you're no different to everyone else.And that people don't take as much notice of you as you think.Put yourself out there a little bit too, for practice.And when you find yorself thinking like that, make a conscious effort to stop, to tell yourself not to be silly and to distract yourself doing something else.
Best of luck OP.

Shrap

I think I was at least 25 before I stopped beating myself up all the time about what I had said when I could have said x/y/z, and the constant analysing of conversations! I had a bit of an epiphany at that point when I realised that actually, my friends/colleagues seem to like me, so why can't I? I realised that only I could forgive myself for being "not up to scratch" in my own eyes.

Nobody else knew I didn't measure up to my own expectations, but that's what it amounted to. I always thought I should have done better socially - could have been cooler, should have said this/that/the other. I was so hard on myself. All I can advise is (because you won't stop over-thinking everything overnight) is that each time you do that, at some point you need to forgive yourself for just being you. It's fine. Nobody died when you said that weird thing or got shy all of a sudden. You sound lovely, and hopefully not too long from now, you'll realise that you are. Mind yourself OP, and be nice to yourself too.....

cazzer22

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

This might sound harsh but realising this helped me immensely when I was a teenager and quite similar to yourself:

The world doesn't revolve around you. Other people's lives don't revolve around you.

You are not so important that people spend a lot of time thinking about you.

Seriously, try to understand how self-centred these worries are. You are the most important person in your life just like how everyone is the important in their own lives.

So worrying about what other people think of you is wasted energy. They aren't thinking about you, they aren't analysing their interactions with you. They are thinking bout themselves.

Another poster suggested CBT and I agree. This is a thought pattern that you need to free yourself from.

Such a solid piece of advice! Really helpful!