Long Distance Problems

LegacyUser

Hey,

Over one year ago (14 months) I met a girl online in a dating site from the Philippines, we chatted initially and then it started to develop, we are both the same age in our late twenties. She is highly educated and a professional in her career and works over there. I found her very attractive and sweet personality. We would spend hours on the phone with Viber and Whats App message flowing back and forth daily and also on Skype.

Eventually after around 6 months of chatting she became intolerable, moody and paranoid and I blocked her out of my life. I was still determined to meet a girl and began chatting to a few other girls again from the Philippines and was spending increasing amounts of time online in the dating sites trying to find a nice girl to be with. Alot of this was out of loneliness and just wanting to have someone to chat to.

In the meantime I discovered cheap tickets online and booked a trip to Manila in the Philippines and this would be my third trip to the country. I had visited in 2014 and also in 2013, although my 2013 trip was just a backpacking trip and it was quiet by accident that I discovered the country as it was only a side trip from Thailand as I had been backpacking there for several weeks and needed to make a visa run so flew over to the Philippines for two weeks to check out that country and I instantly fell in love with the people and the country.

My 2014 visit I won't go into details here but basically I dated a few women but nothing serious; so naturally I was keen to return again. Surprisingly this girl made contact with me again and we resumed chatting etc. Things seemed to be going well and I told her how I was booked to visit and would spend a month there in the Autumn, she was delighted. I immediately deleted my dating sites profile and stopped chatting to all other girls and focused solely on this girl.

Our communications increased in intensity and eventually I did go to visit and I spent the entire month over there with her and then it was outside there that the problems began. She would get extremely jealous and one day when was reading in my phone she discovered old messages between me and other women and she accused me of cheating and being unfaithful. This happened when we or on a remote Island and by now I had enough of her drama

Since I returned home I was preparing to help her out to secure a work visa to come here as she can quite easily emigrate here due to her Skillset (Healthcare Professional) which is in requirement here so I could bring her in without having to marry her. I had searched for a girl like her from the begininng as it was always my hope to meet a nice Filipina girl and bring her back here to live together without going down the marriage road until we were very much ready later on.

She has turned extremely jealous and demanding, If I don't immediately reply to her messages she accuses me of cheating or chatting to other women and this woman has trust issues, which she attributes to her cheating father walking out on her mother whilst she was a child. We have had huge fights over it because I can't tolerate how she treats me and she has no trust in me. I actually really loved her but now I feel only contempt for how she treats me. All I feel now is pity for her situation as she is paid so badly earning less than €50 per week in a career which would see her on €1k plus per week if she was here.

I am very tempted to breakup and I have given her many chances to change before but she did not, and it is starting to stress me out alot.

Any ideas??

bee06

Contempt, pity and jealousy have no place in a healthy relationship. It seems very clear cut that you should break up with her. Why are you doubting that it's the right time to do?

Penny Tration

She's controlling, insecure and jealous. that's all abusive behaviour you're dealing with. Time to break up with her.

I'd also wonder why you're so determined to only meet and spend your life with a lady from the Philippines? Long distance relationships are really difficult and you could easily get yourself into a situation where you marry someone you're infatuated with to get them to Ireland, only for you to realise it was a massive mistake after they arrive.

It comes across as pretty unhealthy to be solely focused on women of a particular nationality.

strandroad

This relationship seems to have run its course and is only bringing our the bad in her now so it makes sense to end it as it doesn't seem fixable.

Your plans to bring some Filipina girl over sound extremely callous though. Yes she might be able to benefit in terms of finances or lifestyle but she'd be coming over from halfway around the world to a large extent for you, and you want to do it all basically to get to know her better and to keep your options open. This is bound to end up in tears by design. You seem to have Filipinas fetishised to a degree, I agree with Penny above that you should look into it as it's not how solid relationships start.

Ursus Horribilis

You know, there's a pair of you in this. It's a no-brainer that you should break up with her though.

I agree with the others though. There is something creepy about the way you're operating. It's almost as if you're looking in a catalogue or something. I also wonder are you getting off on being in a position of power here?

Personally, I would be wary of getting involved with someone from another country, especially one as far away as the Philippines. It's all fun and games until one or the other gets homesick. What'd happen if she got homesick down the line and decided that she wanted to move home again? Her parents get sick and she wanted to look after them? Would you be prepared to move over there? I think people wander into these sorts of relationships with their eyes closed sometimes.

strandroad

Odus fell down wrote: »

Personally, I would be wary of getting involved with someone from another country, especially one as far away as the Philippines. It's all fun and games until one or the other gets homesick. What'd happen if she got homesick down the line and decided that she wanted to move home again? Her parents get sick and she wanted to look after them? Would you be prepared to move over there? I think people wander into these sorts of relationships with their eyes closed sometimes.

I don't think that it's the nationality as such that carries the risk (I know many successful relationships between people from various continents and cultures), but the fact that these girls would be coming over only because they met him, and have no other ties to the new country or any special interest in it...

Ellie2008

I've no issue in general with mixed race couples but this targeting of women from a certain country seems a bit plain creepy on your part to me tbh. The reality is that there is a power imbalance between Western men and women from poorer countries. When I travelled around Asia we used to see a lot of white old guys with young girls and it was gross to be blunt about it and I don't think the same men would have had a shot with those girls had their economic positions been more equal.

Ursus Horribilis

mhge wrote: »

I don't think that it's the nationality as such that carries the risk (I know many successful relationships between people from various continents and cultures), but the fact that these girls would be coming over only because they met him, and have no other ties to the new country or any special interest in it...

I take your point, though I have to say I also know of two couples who split because ultimately neither wanted to live outside of their own countries. People can start out with the best of intentions but things change. Anyway that's neither nor there.

What you're describing is a completely different kettle of fish. It's as if you decided you wanted to get yourself a Filipino woman, targeted one who's educated and decided she'd fit the bill. I certainly don't want to tar an entire nationality with the same brush but unfortunately in some of these Asian countries, there are women who resort to hooking up with richer western men because they've not got many other options. It's tragic really.

Ellie2008

Hi OP,

I've been worrying about my reply to you over Christmas as I think it was too harsh to be honest and I note you said you were lonely.

Are you ok?

dudara

@Ellie2008 - please note that looking for updates is not permitted in this forum. There is no obligation on the OP to return

dudara

ian_m

She might be acting jealous as its the only way she can gauge how much you like her. Communication takes place on an entirely different level in long distance. No disrespect to the woman but no mater whether it works out or not with you, she will be considering herself in a win win situation as she is getting herself into a 'richer' scenario. All foreigners are rich according to Filipinos. She will do whatever it takes to convince you to remain committed to the relationship.

If you do decide to invite her here, you might have a bit of trouble convincing the Department of Justice that she is worth it. They have alot of experience regarding who to allow in as dependents. She will have to have a very good reason not to stay here as her visa will only allow her to remain in the State for a period up to three months as you are not already married.

There are alot of Filipino women living here who are single. I would consider either trying to meet some of them, or else visiting your friend in the Philippines a couple more times before any commitment is made.

Ellie2008

dudara wrote: »

@Ellie2008 - please note that looking for updates is not permitted in this forum. There is no obligation on the OP to return

dudara

Hi Mod I accept that I just felt my reply was too harsh like I called the OP a dirty old man which I didn't mean and I started to think oh god what if he was very upset about it and what affect that might have had on him.