I am very lost but doctor says I am okay

Redberry

I have had a tough few years. I lost a baby almost immediately after I found out about my partner and his family keeping a secret child from me. I only found out because the woman contacted me. I kept making excuses to delay leaving him and I became pregnant a second time thankfully with a healthy child shortly afterward. I have done all the parenting since birth. In fact my partner left me alone for the first twelve weeks or so and only came to see us on Mondays and Tuesdays. So I had a newborn and what looked like a great life but in reality was alone most of the time. The last few years have been filled with tears and I should have taken control of it all much sooner. But I didn't and now I am trying to handle the fallout. I know I should have acted sooner.

I have been very anxious lately and went to the doctor and he told me there's nothing wrong with me and I just need a lot more support from my partner and a few hours to relax every week. I spoke to my partner today and he was disgusted that I was telling him what he should do or how he should treat me.
I currently have a kidney infection and I asked him tonight to please put the baby to bed. He is 2 years old and I have done the bedtime routine since birth. My partner refused so I bathed the baby and brought him to bed. He was still wired 3 hours later and bit my face and kicked me. Usually I handle bedtime fine but I am so ashamed to say that tonight I just snapped. It's like I had a breakdown. I roared at the poor baby that I was sick of him. My partner came up then and told me to get out and that I belong in a mental hospital. I told him that I need a break and that I can't spend everyday just minding the baby and only having my partners back to talk to as he plays the x box. It's a miserable life. I told him I feel like I'm invisible and he wouldn't even notice if I wasn't there. Then he said if I feel like killing myself that I should get out of our house and go die in my parents house and go be their problem. My parents don't even live in this country.
I don't understand these comments. I've never shown any mental weakness until I asked him to be more helpful with the baby. I'm usually very calm and logical but lately I feel lost. I feel like I can't catch my breath and that my skin is crawling all over but the doctor says I just need a better support system at home. But I'm not going to get that here. He acts like he hates me. I am very isolated aside from his family.
I have tried talking to him and he either tells me to get lost or he says blah blah like a child. It's impossible. I feel so angry that I've gone through so much because of his actions and he won't even speak to me properly. He even said it was my fault when i lost the baby. I don't get birthday presents or flowers or foot rubs or sweet text messages like when we first met. He doesn't say he loves me. He says if I don't like how he treats me then I should leave and try find someone better but I am terrified to leave. I have lost all of my confidence these last few years. Aside from the doctor who would be able to help me get my mind straight again?

GAAman

I had a friend who Ioved dearly, I say had because despite having a history with her doctor of being on fairly heavy anti depression medication she went to her doctor and begged for help.

I'm shaking writing this....

The "doctor" told her that she was fine, I quote "You're a young girl, you have it all ahead of you be happy and STOP FEELING SO MISERABLE"

Two weeks later my friend took her own life

F*ck what your doctor says, go back and demand to be heard, demand to get what you want and if you don't get a second opinion NOT from the same practice

You need to look after yourself and your baby, and find ways to get help, the father of the child should be helping as should his family but don't ever rely on others make sure you have ways to cover everything and if the day comes that they actually come through for you that's just a bonus.

Keep fighting you're almost there, the first step is always the hardest when it comes to mental health trust me!

Redberry

Oh I am so sorry to read that GAAman. I am so sorry for your loss and for what your poor friend went through. Thanks for your response

Blingy

Redberry that sounds like a very difficult situation your in. Really it sounds like it would be better for you to be away from your partner as he is not helping you and certainly not helping your confidence. I can see why your not able to make that step yet though.
Set little goals for your self. The first one being go to a different doctor in a different practice if possible. A doctor telling you your partner needs to help more isn't telling you anything you don't already know. Hopefully a new doctor can be of more help. Good luck.

CaraMay

Have you anywhere to move? Would you be better back duty your parents. Would they help you? Your partner is a lazy yoke. Move on from him.

bp

You poor thing. I would start documenting incidents and begin to make moves to get away from your OH, although he strikes me as the kind to fight for custody just to spite you.

Is there anywhere you can go? What country do your parents live in? Could you visit for a few weeks.

Also does he do anything around the house? Stop looking after him physically if he wont look after you emotionally

Oh and change doctors, you clearly need more than just that advice

Ursus Horribilis

My goodness, what a heartbreaking post this is. I think giving Women's Aid a call would help www.womensaid.ie. They're experienced in dealing with women like yourself who have found themselves in abusive relationships and don't know where to turn. Far from being mental hospital fodder, you're clearly a young woman who has been holding everything together remarkably well despite your circumstances. I can't see what a doctor can do to help the roof cause of your troubles. Your partner is an abusive ape and there is absolutely no excuse for the dreadful way he treats you. You're worth far more than that.

R.D. aka MR.D

First of all, you can get through this.

Now, you say that you are afraid to leave. Why is that exactly? Is it a financial worry or an emotional worry? Both can be overcome. As the other poster suggested try women's aid, they will have good advice for your situation.

How your partner is acting is not reasonable. Don't think for a second that he might be right. Those kinds of people have a way of making you feel like the one in the wrong.

Would it be possible to get help from your parents? Even if they are in a different country, would it be possible? Could you go stay with them for a while? It might be a better environment for your child as well.

You can get through this. You have the strength inside you and with the right help, you'll be fine. Try a different GP (I know this can be difficult as sometimes you have to be registered and all that nonsense in some places) but you should just demand it.

Call women's aid. Take care of yourself. You'll come out the other side of this. You can do it.

Keane2baMused

Redberry, your post is heartbreaking to read.

I know how scary the notion of being alone is. But from what it sounds in reality you are alone now as it is? Except he still gets to exert control over you and the household. His lack of caring for you and your child is astonishing.

This relationship is so damaging to you and your child and you both deserve so much more. The fact that he could hide another child from you says it all even.Talk to friends, family, call women's aid or the samaritans. If you don't feel strong enough to leave yet try and access some counselling who can guide you through it.

Best of luck

Rubberchikken

if your doctor won't listen to you, insist on talking to another gp in the practice.
you need help and support and your partner doesn't seem able or willing to give it.
you may also want to consider either asking him to leave or you going with the baby to a safe place. no one should speak to you like this person has.
if you've been doing everything for your child for 2 years, of course you're worn down. it's a tough thing to do alone and tbh, even with this partner there, you are effectively alone.
take care of yourself.

Ellie2008

Gosh OP what a heartbreaking story! Is the doctor an idiot your partner quite clearly quite simply isn't willing to be more supportive. A man who blames you for a child lost but isn't willing to look after the one he has. Sounds like a truly toxic relationship you need to gather the strength to get out of there, if you're worried about being alone you pretty much seem to be alone now.

If you had a lump in your breast and the doctor didn't really look at it but told you you were grand, would you not go to another doctor. This is no different the doctor handled the situation very badly.

What are your financials like? Is moving back to your parents an option?

You are not alone there s Women s Aid, the Samaritians etc. all with the resources and willingness to help you.

And there s always people here willing to listen and offer some impartial advice.

banoffe2

Thinking of you Redberry well done for facing the truth as that is the first step, you can and will make a better life for yourself, every journey begins with one single tiny step, with help and support we are stronger and can face challenges with better vision and strength.

I agree with other posters that there are lots of support groups out there to help you, and a lot of the counselling is also free. You and your child deserve a decent quality of life , I can relate to you as I was in an abusive relationship for 18 years I am out of it as long and I would never have dared to dream of where the journey from within would take me. I learned that I would never grow while living with abusive, this is something I really took on board, I had a lot of health problems from the constant crisis and the stress of it all and trying to raise children on my own, emotional abuse is about control and intimidation. Now that I am out of it I have no health problems and lots of energy to invest in things that are good for me. I was co dependant on my husband and thought I couldn't live without him, and of course the outside World thought we had it all, the outward show was all an act, families were no help as appearances were everything. I reached out for all the help I could get and never looked back.

With help and support you can get yourself and your child away from this very abusive situation and make a fresh start, you and your child deserve the best, you can do this if I can do it anyone can. You take extra good care of yourself OP, I wish you the very best, tomorrow is a new beginning.

liquoriceall

The thing is your doctor is right? There's nothing wrong with you it's your relationship is the problem and he can't fix that for you. Only you can walk away. Would being alone be any more lonely than you are currently?