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Have my issues with being gay ruined my relationship?

  • 09-12-2015 10:10pm
    #1
    nofrillsbill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3 ✭


    Some background information. 2 years ago I was dating a guy for 8 months. We were both half in the closet (only some of our friends knew we were gay). It was both of our first serious relationship so everything was new and exciting. We did the usual dating thing, going for dinner, drinks at the weekend, but it turned into the same routine week in week out.

    We didn't introduce each other to all our friends or family. We had very little intimate time in the bedroom because we weren't out to our housemates. In fact, our sex life was non-existent towards the end.

    I was also very reserved and coming to terms with being gay. I would flinch if he tried to hold my hand. I was very reluctant to express my feelings for fear of sounding "queer". I would also jokingly "mock" suggestions from my partner about doing couple type things. I thought they sounded feminine and I was trying to keep a masculine facade. Most of the time I thought his suggestions were not serious, and that he wasn't interested in those things. But I was wrong.

    In the end, I was trying to keep this manly type appearance and we eventually just turned into a couple of guys who just hung out and not much else. So he broke up with me because of this.

    He didn't explain that this was the reason at the time, mostly because he didn't realise this was the reason. I held a grudge against him for the break up until a few months ago when he reached out.

    I reluctantly decided to give our relationship another shot. I heard his side of the story and he explained how he wanted us to be more open, and more like a couple. I thought this would be easy and that I could change, but I must have gone wrong somewhere.

    I am still in the closet and I am still finding it difficult to express my emotions and be closer to him. Worse still, I am losing feelings for him.

    I fear deep down the trust has been broken between us when he first broke up with me and now I'm struggling to be open and develop strong feelings for him. Maybe if I felt he really cared for me and expressed that to me, I would feel differently but he is not putting himself out there emotionally because he wants me to come out of my shell first. It's like we both waiting for the other to express their feelings, but we both have our hang ups.

    Still being partly in the closet doesn't help either as we can't have alone time to nurture these feelings. Mostly the only time we have "alone" is chatting in the car on the way to a restaurant or cinema.

    I don't know if these hang ups I have with expressing myself in a relationship and my acceptance of being gay have actually ruined our relationship or it's just that he's not the one and I'm not willing to risk these things with him (although he did feel like the one the first time we dated). When I say ruined the relationship, I don't mean we have a bad one. We have fun, laugh, and really enjoy being together. The feelings are just not growing.

    I'm not sure what response I'm looking for here. Maybe just someone looking at our situation from a different perspective. Is this relationship doomed because I'm caught up with my gay issues, or could it be that he's just not the guy for me?


Comments

  • #2
    Annasopra
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 41,158 ✭✭✭✭Annasopra


    Or maybe all of your fears and hangups are holding the relationship back and if you tried to let go of them the relationship might improve.

    I mean you could break up and then carry all these fears and hangups with you. But what does that achieve?

    It was so much easier to blame it on Them. It was bleakly depressing to think that They were Us. If it was Them, then nothing was anyone's fault. If it was us, what did that make Me? After all, I'm one of Us. I must be. I've certainly never thought of myself as one of Them. No one ever thinks of themselves as one of Them. We're always one of Us. It's Them that do the bad things.

    Terry Pratchet



  • #3
    nofrillsbill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3 ✭nofrillsbill


    Joeytheparrot wrote: »
    Or maybe all of your fears and hangups are holding the relationship back and if you tried to let go of them the relationship might improve.

    I mean you could break up and then carry all these fears and hangups with you. But what does that achieve?

    I do realise that I have to work on my fears and hangups, and it is my intention to address these. I don't want this to be something that is hanging over me for the rest of my life.

    I don't know if it is even these hangups that caused the issues in our relationship. I could be making excuses for some other reason which I don't want to believe - that I just don't have feelings for him and never will again.


  • #4
    Ten of Swords
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 24,384 CMod ✭✭✭✭Ten of Swords


    Do you want this relationship to work? Your initial post does sound quite negative, is this because you are unsure if there is any future with this person or or because you are still uncomfortable expressing your sexuality in a relationship setting?

    What led to the decision to giving it another go? You say he reached out and you reluctantly agreed to give it a shot, why did you both think that this was a good idea and that it would be any different this time?

    Really the core question is are you with this person because you have strong feelings and see it going somewhere or are you with this person because it is convenient?

    Moderator: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender, Vegan & Vegetarian

    Category Moderator: Social & Fun



  • #5
    nofrillsbill
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3 ✭nofrillsbill


    Ten of Swords wrote: »
    Do you want this relationship to work? Your initial post does sound quite negative, is this because you are unsure if there is any future with this person or or because you are still uncomfortable expressing your sexuality in a relationship setting?

    I do want to make it work, but I'm finding it so difficult. I am unsure of any future, but I don't know what's causing this uncertainty because everything else in our relationship is great.
    Ten of Swords wrote: »
    What led to the decision to giving it another go? You say he reached out and you reluctantly agreed to give it a shot, why did you both think that this was a good idea and that it would be any different this time?

    Because we told ourselves we would change, make it work, but we haven't done anything different than before.
    Ten of Swords wrote: »
    Really the core question is are you with this person because you have strong feelings and see it going somewhere or are you with this person because it is convenient?

    I don't have strong feelings right now, but they existed before. I just need to get them back, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. It has nothing to do with convenience, I wouldn't be with someone just because they're there.

    I don't know if I'm in denial and we just don't have a connection now, or if it is our circumstances that have caused my feelings to wane. I just wish there was a clear answer


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