Friend's ego

Ellie2008

Long story short how do you handle someone who s ego is running away with them? Have a friend who s great craic, fun to be around etc. but the ego thing when it comes to what she looks like is starting to ruin our friendship. Recent comments:

- when people guess my age they always guess way younger;
-I'm so skinny nothing ever fits, I'm actually even smaller than people think I am, like a sales girl might bring me an 8 I'm always a 6;
- I always see myself in photos and think OMG I'm so skinny;
- my co-worker must have done X because they obviously think I'm much younger than I am;
- I think I'm related to X famous person because we re both so petite & small etc.
- Y likes such brand of clothes because they suit people like her who don't have good figures;
- people are nice to Z because they feel sorry for her

- talking about how a married man was definitely flirting with her;
- another time she wanted to tell a recently engaged man who she had been friends with that she was in love with him. That passed pretty quickly but it was the fact that she seemed to expect he might actually leave his wife to be. She also started going on about how his now wife is built rather than skinny - I've met the girl she s pretty skinny not that it should matter that much, he loves her!
etc.

We're far from young & I feel like my role in the friendship is a supporting act who must tell her she s amazing all the time.

I like to big my friends up as they're my friends & if someone looks well I think it's nice to say it however I've no desire to compliment someone who keeps telling me how amazing they are. I'm close to saying listen I'd rather we didn't talk about weight or wrinkles or how fat people we know are because it feels competitive. I want our friendship to be more equal & for me not to feel I'm expected to be a fan rather than a friend.

sashafierce

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johnnyskeleton

Sounds like she has low self esteem? The skinny thing is fine but trying to break up the engagement on a whim is a cause for concern.

I would be nice and complementary to her when she talks about her size (although maybe say in shape rather than skinny) but dont encourage her when she talks about breaking people up.

Ellie2008

sashafierce wrote: »

I've had friends say all the above and its so annoying. They will assume you're jealous of course because that's always the response.
I generally try not respond to those comments or I try laugh it off with a humorous response "oh if only we were all as perfect as you"
I do wonder deep down if they are actually unhappy and that's why they talk like that, women focus on other women's body's so much its disgusting.
An old friend of mine used to think she was the bee's knees and couldn't understand why she didn't have a boyfriend when she was obviously perfection herself, but the fact is beauty is an opinion not a fact. Let your friend on to live in her dream world she will soon realise being skinny isn't the bee all and end all in life.

I think I might try humour to start with, I'm be slightly worried it might come across as bitchy, I think it is a delicate balance. I've noted that her childhood friends are quite fond of telling her to shut up in a messing kind of way when she says something arrogant and they seem to get away with it.

I find her behaviour miles from normal, if I was to mention another friend or a girl who recently got married at work and say they're attractive she'd literally be like "Not as pretty as me?!" and she means it.

It's actually gotten to the point where it's quite tiring listening to it & it's just never ending like every conversation will be peppered with people think I'm so young looking or whatever & I feel like she is demanding a positive reaction from me, like if I don't say anything she ll kinda pose it as a question.

I feel like I let myself down in the last few days by talking about how tiny my other friend was and saying stuff like she s the smallest person I know etc just to get at her just because I was getting really really sick of her and the never ending arrogance and I don't want to be that person. She took it as a challange and started saying oh but I can eat whatever I want etc.

sashafierce

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Ellie2008

johnnyskeleton wrote: »

Sounds like she has low self esteem? The skinny thing is fine but trying to break up the engagement on a whim is a cause for concern.

I would be nice and complementary to her when she talks about her size (although maybe say in shape rather than skinny) but dont encourage her when she talks about breaking people up.

The skinny thing fine let's acknowledge that you're skinny & leave it at that. I get called into changing rooms to be shown how she is swimming in a top because she s so tiny & then hear about it for ages afterwards. I felt in recent times she has kept at me and at me like she needs me to tell her she s the smallest person I know, whereas I'm just trying to ignore it. When I ignore it I get another story about a sales assistant who brought her the wrong size. Bit annoying but I could probably deal with that if it wasn't followed up with so and so needs expensive clothes because she doesn't have the best figure. It's like it's a constant competition.

Sunny Dayz

Is she like this just in relation to physical appearance (ie people's figures)? Would she also be the same about people's appearances re hair, make up, fashion, handbags, cars, etc. All you have said so far she seems to just be very focussed on both her own and others figures.

marizpan

Can you not just try to explain to her honestly how uncomfortable her behaviour is making you feel.

If the friendship can't take honestly, then there wasn't much friendship there to start with.

Emme

Buy her a burger. It will (1) keep her quiet and (2) help her put on weight and get up to a size 8!!!

PinkLemonade

My younger sister is like that, it's infuriating, makes me dread spending time with her, and I have plenty of slim attractive friends, it's only my sister that constantly talks like that. I've tried to say it to her but progress is slow

Ellie2008

PinkLemonade wrote: »

My younger sister is like that, it's infuriating, makes me dread spending time with her, and I have plenty of slim attractive friends, it's only my sister that constantly talks like that. I've tried to say it to her but progress is slow

It's this really I know some people that are drop dead gorgeous, I've never heard them say it. I'm sure at least some of them are aware of it but none of them are forcing me to acknowledge it or even discuss it with with me and this to me adds to their charm.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

Shrap

marizpan wrote: »

Can you not just try to explain to her honestly how uncomfortable her behaviour is making you feel.

If the friendship can't take honestly, then there wasn't much friendship there to start with.

I'd agree with this, but I'd approach it by just saying how uncomfortable you feel about the conversations - as soon as you point out it's her behaviour, she'll go into full anxiety mode and the defensiveness will probably make you wish you didn't say anything.

Try something like "Jaysus Mary, I gotta say to you I can't talk about weight/age/looks anymore. It's really making me really grumpy/feel bad and I don't like measuring people up against each other. Lets change the subject, eh?". See what happens, if anything. She might try and change her tune at least, especially if every time she does it after that, you wince and look at her pointedly.

Shrap

Ellie2008 wrote: »

I'm close to saying listen I'd rather we didn't talk about weight or wrinkles or how fat people we know are because it feels competitive.

Actually, you answered your own question there! Yes - why not do just that?

suicide_circus

Your friend sounds like a vapid superficial moron, why do you have someone like this in your life?

Keane2baMused

Next time she says the sales assistant keeps bringing her a size 8 instead of a 6 I think I would probably have to say they're so used to sizing mannequins up you probably look like an 8. Maybe clarify for them next time before they get your clothes that you are in fact a size 6 to save yourself (and my ears) the hassle!

I'm pretty sure also x y and z shop in that store because they like the clothes,I kinda like them too in fact.

I know so many girls like that. And worse.

'Omg state of her dress/hair/shoes/bag/. I mean what was she thinking?' Etc...

It really makes me sick when women belittle each other.

Meeoow

I had a friend like yours. Not obsessed about being skinny, but just about herself in general. I tried my best to listen to her crap. Then I tried to fight fire with fire and talk about myself non stop. That didn't last long because I found it exhausting. She eventually copped on that I was getting sick of her crap because I'm not very good at suffering fools. So I told her and she went psycho. Couldn't handle the truth. We fell out. She has tried a few times to make up with me, but I couldn't be arsed. I hate self absorbed people. You can try to talk to your friend but I bet she can't handle the truth either.

El_Duderino 09

I couldn't help thinking this too. My Mrs had a friend like this. Constantly going on about herself and it came to the point where my Mrs couldn't be bothered talking to her so it turned into a counselling session every time they met up. Yer wan would sooner talk about herself all evening sooner than ask 'so how are you or how did that thing go'?

She ended up wondering if she even enjoyed hanging out with her and decided very definitely that it was bloody boring. She was either a vacuous wench the whole time, or she became a vacuous wench. Doesn't really matter as she's gone now. Good riddance.

Katgurl

Meeoow wrote: »

I had a friend like yours. Not obsessed about being skinny, but just about herself in general. I tried my best to listen to her crap. Then I tried to fight fire with fire and talk about myself non stop. That didn't last long because I found it exhausting. She eventually copped on that I was getting sick of her crap because I'm not very good at suffering fools. So I told her and she went psycho. Couldn't handle the truth. We fell out. She has tried a few times to make up with me, but I couldn't be arsed. I hate self absorbed people. You can try to talk to your friend but I bet she can't handle the truth either.

That post had disturbed me, I could have written it myself, lol. Now I wonder why I bothered makimg the effort with the two dimensional boring emotional parasite.

OP you're on the road to dismissing the friendship imo as you've realised you don't like her or her company. Assuming you want to make a last ditch effort before you reach the point of no return I'd say absolutely nothing the next time she asks a stupid question or moronic remark and then when the silence has reached a point of excruciation smile sweetly and ask
"Why do you keep looking for confirmation from me that you're skinny? Surely you know? I think you're selling yourself short just focusing on your weight."

But honestly if she is as similar to my ex-friend as she sounds I have no advice that will help you to enjoy the company of a narcissistic bore.

Fluffy Cat 88

Friends are supposed to be good company, confidants, fun, sociable and supportive.

If she is none of those things, back away slowly from the friendship and hang out with people you actually enjoy being with.

She sounds insecure, always seeking validation - trying to convince herself she's thin/attractive/a man magnet etc.

You need her friendship like a fish needs a bicycle.

LynnGrace

I worked with someone like that, everything centred back to her. I used to use a mixture of nodding vaguely, and sometimes, for a quiet life, for my own sake, appearing to agree.
She was an older lady, and obviously that was how she always had gone on. She wanted to believe herself superior to everyone, yet seemed to need constant validation that everything she did, or had, was somehow better than what everyone else did, or had.

My granny used to say 'self praise is no praise'. My granny was a wise woman.

In your case, OP, I would use vagueness, as though you only half hear what she has said, and change the subject.
I would also back away, life is too short, in my opinion.

Ellie2008

LynnGrace wrote: »

I worked with someone like that, everything centred back to her. I used to use a mixture of nodding vaguely, and sometimes, for a quiet life, for my own sake, appearing to agree.
She was an older lady, and obviously that was how she always had gone on. She wanted to believe herself superior to everyone, yet seemed to need constant validation that everything she did, or had, was somehow better than what everyone else did, or had.

^ this is pretty much it in a nutshell.

The best way I can describe her behaviour is sort of like a princess complex, like I am the fairest of them all and insist you my loyal subject tell me so when I so demand it! There s also been a couple of relatively recent incidents with attached men that I don't think she should have encouraged though to be fair the men are responsible for their own behaviour.

I know I'm not the only one who has these issues with her as she s mentioned things to me about people being in a bad mood with her, or not being nice to her etc., she also has several people she no longer speaks to as they fell out.

She s a bright girl but she doesn't seem to have an ounce of self awareness as to why anybody might possibly have an issue with her.

In response to another poster she does have good points she is an exceptional amount of fun, v social and good to have a laugh with, she can be very supportive at times as well, of late I've found that this arrogant nonsense about looks, waist size coupled with an almost aggressive demand that I acknowledge her greatness is overshadowing the good.

R.D. aka MR.D

Honestly, if it were me, the next time she asks you to compliment here or whatever, say with the upmost sincerity and concern; 'Listen, you know I think you're great, why do you need all this reassurance?'

And every time it happens do the same thing but slowly lose the 'you know I think you're great'. People like this thrive on the fact that people rarely turn things back on them (it's not how social interaction usually works). So if you respond to it with a question then maybe she will come to realise that you don't want to hear it anymore.

MistyCheese

I don't know how helpful this will be but I what I do with the narcissistic bore in my life is disengage as much as possible. Don't get stucked into a conversation about how wonderful they are.

Hopefully if they are not getting the reaction they want from you (fanfare and dancing along with poetry about the absolute amazing-ness that is them seems to be what they're after) then they will stop boring you to death with their sole topic of conversation.

In the meantime I do empathise. I knew how wearing it can get.

The Princess Bride

I feel sorry for her.
As others have said, I'd say she has low self esteem and she comes across as being insecure.
No adult should need to be constantly complimented on their looks or figure-jeez but there's more to life than this.

Maybe you need to just approach it like her other friends-but certainly don't entertain her.
Change the subject promptly and if she makes an issue of it be blunt and tell her it makes you uncomfortable.
You say she's other good qualities -she'd want to have.
Otherwise, if it was me, I'd be making excuses to avoid!

Rubberchikken

your friend sounds very unsure and insecure. only someone unhappy in their skin comes out with comments like that, comments that could obviously be disproved by you if you wished.
is something happening in her life, or not happening as the case may be, that you might be unaware of?
maybe have a chat with her without being too obvious. good luck

beks101

Ellie2008 wrote: »

In response to another poster she does have good points she is an exceptional amount of fun, v social and good to have a laugh with, she can be very supportive at times as well, of late I've found that this arrogant nonsense about looks, waist size coupled with an almost aggressive demand that I acknowledge her greatness is overshadowing the good.

Well this is the bottom line really, isn't it. The good doesn't outweigh the bad. She's not really worth the effort of trying to address her narcissism constructively to try to keep the friendship, and tbh invariably it will be thrown back in your face anyway. I guarantee you, if you say anything, you will be "jealous" in her eyes.

I'd find someone like her exhausting, regardless of whatever insecurities the self-absorption is born out of. It's a self-involvement that doesn't leave any room for consideration for others or for complimenting her friends or for acknowledging other people's gifts or accomplishments or for making others feel good about themselves. It's an awful, selfish, emotionally stingy way to be. It's like the way an immature teenager would carry on and at her age she should know better. If it were me I'd just cut her out of my life tbh.

SusieBlue

I had a friend like that for years, except her obsession was with looking and being natural rather than being skinny.

I'm a huge fan of getting dolled up, we're both early 20's and I love fake tan, eyelashes, having my nails done, etc. She would constantly go on and on about how fake myself and the rest of our friends looked, when the reality was that she watched hundreds of hours of youtube make up tutorials trying to learn how to put make up on, and even attended a few courses, but couldn't get the hang of it. She wore little to no make up and begrudged us for wearing it, it was bizarre.

She was also a very tall girl, about 6ft 4 and a broad build. Because of her height and build, she felt like she couldn't wear dresses on nights out as they were never long enough and just made her look taller. Her response to this was to call the rest of us sl*ts and trollops for wearing dresses and heels while she glumly stood there in jeans and canvas runners.

She would go on and on about how vain we were for spending time on our appearance, while implying she herself was superior cause she didn't need any of the fake stuff, her "natural" look was enough to rope the men in.

She became absolutely unbearable to be around, constantly mocking me for wearing nice clothes just cause she was happier in a hoodie. The final straw was on Halloween, when she decided to dress up as ME. She drew all over her face in crap make up, purposely making it look bad, wore a wig, and a short dress with a Barbie logo. She thought it was hilarious but I've never been more insulted and mortified in my life. I actually think she became so obsessed with being natural it made her unhinged.

Moral of the story is that you need to cut this woman out, she will push her own insecurities onto you and you don't need it. Being around such a negative, judgmental person is so emotionally draining and if she isn't willing to stop I don't see what other choice you have. There's more to life than how other people choose to live theirs

manonboard

If i may ask you a question OP.
I'd like you to ponder it before responding.

Do you like your friend?

It sounds like you find them annoying. Sure some aspects of them are ok, everyone has good points and bad points. But if your at a stage where you are requesting advice on how to deal with the personality of your friend.. maybe you've outgrown them and they're just a bit behind ya know?
It can be hard to admit it as it can seem disloyal, but outgrowing friends is very natural. Do you think maybe rebalancing the time you spend together would help? I often find that things I find annoying only annoy me in a person if i pass a threshold of time with them.
If i start hitting that, I just back off a little, purposefully reduce the time together. I then start to really enjoy that smaller time in higher quality. The annoyances go back to being 'quirks' etc

Just spitballing from my own experiences with a very similar situation.

Note: I completely agree, she has low self esteem. If you find yourself getting angry, Its useful to remind yourself, this person is literally trying to hide a deep unlove of themselves. They feel very lonely/empty on the inside without that silly narrative of validation they create. It helps take the anger out of our views of them i find. They're just hurting.

Ellie2008

Wow guys it's interesting that so many people have similar stories! That dress-up story is 50 shades of pure crazy! In that case though it seems the girl had an obvious hang up about her height, not that I'm saying that justifies it.

I've been thinking over all your feedback, I'm undecided about the insecurity thing, she s at least two dress sizes smaller than me, so why does she feel the need to tell me about it? If I was the smaller one I'd get it. It's like if it's a contest you've won, so can we leave it at that?!

It might be an insecurity thing to the extent that she wants to be the fairest of them all type thing. Something happened at a festival a few years ago that stuck with me we ran into a girl I know from work and my friend turns to me & goes I don't want to hang out with her she's too pretty! I was gob smacked!

Another time we were in a foreign nightclub and this good looking guy walks up to us and starts telling her she's gorgeous. I'm sipping my drink, I'm guessing I was probs looking around for our other friend so I could give them some space, and he turns to me and for no reason whatsoever goes not you though you're ugly, I was mortified! My friend goes to him oh don't say that but not in an actual giving out way, spends the rest of the night with him, and spends most of the next day looking at pictures of him and saying oh yeah he was hot, I still got it kinda thing! I was a bit stung by the lack of loyalty if I'm honest.

I'm thinking aloud at this stage, I think I am going to say something, I'm just not sure of ill bring it up or wait until the next time she says something outlandish, probably the latter, it ll be easier I imagine!

manonboard

Ellie2008 wrote: »

Wow guys it's interesting that so many people have similar stories! That dress-up story is 50 shades of pure crazy! In that case though it seems the girl had an obvious hang up about her height, not that I'm saying that justifies it.

etc..

Insecurities have got nothing to do with the reality of a situation. It sounds crazy but thats what crazy is. A difference from reality.
Look at all the super thing girls who suffer from perception issues who think they are fat. The brain barely considers reality when dealing with that stuff. If it did, it wouldnt exist.

My previous GF was a stunning looking woman. Everyone fancied her.. On the whole, I can tell you she is probably one of the most fragile self esteem when it comes to her looks ever. She literally seen herself as a troll in the mirror. It was likely a body dismorphia issue etc, an insecurity that got way out of control and became highly compulsive. They arent based on what they are. They are based on what has happened to them in thier past. What values were instilled in to them. Were they ever isolated/bullied.. Maybe looks are her way of finally fitting in since her self acceptance was destroyed through some past event, or never learnt.

It might also be worth considering can you accept your own preferences and provide for them? In this case, maybe your preferences just dont align with this persons values..

Its worth remembering i think, that she has probably very little control over it all. Like if she could fill that gap inside her, she would of done it by now. Nobody leaves themselves feeling like **** and at the behest of others opinions if they can help it.
I know its a pain in the ass! it can be emotionally draining and so fecking repetitive.

LegacyUser

I think most people have encountered someone like this, or found out what they're like when they get close to the person. They usually think now I know them I can drop the facade no need to filter every neurotic thought that comes into my head , or whenever I need validation I can demand it from them because we're friends right? and there shouldn't be any issue because I'm just being myself why would you have a problem? If she goes too far she probably thinks she's endearing/funny in her craziness. They are totally unaware of how grating it is, they're just focusing on the constant insatiable desire for validation. It's not all her fault, we live in a society that thrives and profits on self image insecurity (particularly women) and this encourages a kind of pathetic competition with others instead of focussing on yourself and what will really fullfill you. There's no profit in being content in yourself regardless of what you possess or what u look like, our society relies on people wanting more and more and never feeling good enough. Your friend gains all her self worth from what she looks like and is using you to constantly tell her she's great and to feel better about herself. If she was self confident and assured she wouldn't need your validation at all.
Unfortunately when single, people like this are worse if they don't have some poor significant other to constantly quell their insecurities then the best friend is the next closest target.
If I were you I would probably be direct and start saying things like 'she probably thought you were a size 8?'.. Or when she says how skinny she is say 'I'm glad you're not as skinny as you used to be, you look healthier now', who cares if she's offended, or thinks you're jealous. You know you're not, that's all that matters. If she argues that she's still as thin as she was,just say oh sorry I didn't think so ..she will quickly stop the compliment seeking if you're not giving it.

LeeLooLee

I have an acquaintance like this. She constantly posts statuses on Facebook about compliments she's received about her looks and she constantly thinks every man is flirting with her. It's delusion, mostly. She reads into things that aren't there. If a man holds a door open for her and gives her a little smile, she thinks he's in love with her. It's just so odd. It's as if she's trying to convince everyone that she's beautiful, but we all know what she looks like. She's not stunning at all. She's not ugly either, she's just a normal, average looking girl. It's bizarre that she's convinced everyone is in love with her and that she's just that beautiful. It must be some sort of deep-seated issue, but it's incredibly irritating and comes off as massively immature because the girl is 34! It's just so shallow. She would be the same as your friend, as in if she sees a guy with an average looking girl she'll say 'why is he with her? She's not pretty at all', and I'm like 'maybe she's a NICE PERSON'? She doesn't understand how she's perpetually single and I don't have the heart to say it's her personality. Her looks are grand but she's a total headwreck, and it doesn't take long to see it.

Ellie2008

LeeLooLee wrote: »

I have an acquaintance like this. She constantly posts statuses on Facebook about compliments she's received about her looks and she constantly thinks every man is flirting with her. It's delusion, mostly. She reads into things that aren't there. If a man holds a door open for her and gives her a little smile, she thinks he's in love with her. It's just so odd. It's as if she's trying to convince everyone that she's beautiful, but we all know what she looks like. She's not stunning at all. She's not ugly either, she's just a normal, average looking girl. It's bizarre that she's convinced everyone is in love with her and that she's just that beautiful. It must be some sort of deep-seated issue, but it's incredibly irritating and comes off as massively immature because the girl is 34! It's just so shallow. She would be the same as your friend, as in if she sees a guy with an average looking girl she'll say 'why is he with her? She's not pretty at all', and I'm like 'maybe she's a NICE PERSON'? She doesn't understand how she's perpetually single and I don't have the heart to say it's her personality. Her looks are grand but she's a total headwreck, and it doesn't take long to see it.

I would probably see my friend as delusional too, probably not to quite the same degree though. Whenever I was out with her she always did receive a lot of attention from guys, so she's not completely delusional, but she still is to a point. The whole thing has become very tiring to listen to tbh, I had three days solid of it recently and I nearly lost my marbles.

Like your friend my friend is well into her thirties and I'm kind of like you are not a cute six year old in a pink dress in a school play looking to adored, this need to be the centre of attention and have your greatness acknowledged constantly is all just very silly at your age.

cookiexx

This is really about her low self esteem and how she's come to value herself entirely on her appearance over the years and needs constant reassurance because of that. Because it's all she has, or at least the only way she can see any self worth.

It probably explains a lot about her life now too - how she's in her 30s and perpetually single and chasing married men, how every woman within spitting distance is perceived as competition etc.

If it was me, I'd probably stop every single little flippant comment in its tracks with a dead-pan "I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about Susan", or "is there any reason why you need to be told five times a day that you're more attractive or skinnier than whoever we're talking about?" or a simple "why does that matter to you so much?"

And just move the conversation along that way. Let her have her huff and continue to shut down the comments as they crop up. I'm not sure someone like this ever changes, but maybe if you cut her off mid-sentence instead of indulging the "Aren't I wonderful" comments for long enough, the penny will start to drop.

LegacyUser

She is obviously a desperately sad pathetically insecure person and for that I do pity her.

I'm not a saint though and despite feeling pity for her I wouldn't have the patience to put up with her.

Whatever about her being her own best cheerleader, the constant malicious comments about other women and the actively advancing on attached men would be enough for me to drop her as a friend.

It's sad because she's obviously not right in the head, but sometimes you have to think of your own well being and if she makes you feel constantly bad or stressfully irritated then it's just not worth it.

Maybe by the time she has lost all of her friends she will finally realise that she needs to seek some counselling or help for herself.