Weighing up the pros and cons

jeremymurphy

I am in a second relationship for 5 years after my marriage of 25 years broke up. I have 3 children. My OH also has 4 children all grown up. I love my partner but I felt a growing coldness between us for the last 6-8 months. I have tried to be patient. On Fri night last I asked her to come out with me. She refused. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was not completely happy. I asked her did she love me, no answer. I asked her if she was thinking of leaving and she said she needed time to think. I asked her what she was thinking about and she said "I am weighing up the pros and cons of living with you" She has refused to talk about this at all since.

I am devastated. Surely if it's down to pros and cons she does not love me.

Tell me how

Sorry to hear that J.

I suspect you are right but that's small consolation.

jeremymurphy

Tell me how wrote: »

Sorry to hear that J.

I suspect you are right but that's small consolation.

That's what I thought. Thanks for your honesty.

pgj2015

make up her mind for her op, tell her its over and don't waste any more time on her.

Keane2baMused

I agree with the previous poster.

Don't wait around for her to decide your fate. Put it in your hands and tell her you won't be in a relationship with someone who has to weigh up the 'pros and cons'.

There's actually a fair chance she will panic and won't expect you to do it! You deserve better treatment than that however.

jeremymurphy

I think she really doesn't care though.

Sinall

What has happened to get to this stage OP? I agree that having someone say they need to weigh up the pros and cons is a very clinical, upsetting thing to hear.

Have there been problems in the relationship that has led to this? Is there some issue that for her is critical but hasn't been worked on? Do you know why she isn't happy? Or is it that she doesn't want to be with you anymore?

Either way her approach to it isn't right but did you ask her why she isn't happy any more?

CaraMay

I wouldn't sit around waiting for domeone to decide if they want me. Dump her and move on. She will hand no respect for you for waiting around

silverbolt

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I think she really doesn't care though.

Then why hang on and drag it out?

If she is weighing up the pros the cons then she is gearing herself up to end it.

You know this so dont let her dictate the time and place to rip you heart out. Do it for yourself

Shrap

You mention your 3 and her 4 children OP. I'm wondering did you mention them because they have been and continue to be a major stressor on your relationship? Or is there something else that springs to mind?

I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to your relationship, but is it entirely out of the blue? If so, then for what it's worth, I don't find that fair. In an adult relationship, I would expect and provide communication as difficulties start to arise, not as they get to a point too far to come back from. Has communication between you been very one-sided, or absent altogether?

Being honest OP, if I was weighing up the pros and cons of living with someone, it would always come down to the pros being that you do love them but the cons being problems that aren't addressed between you. It wouldn't ever be the other way around, ie. you don't love them but all your other needs are being met.

tomwaterford

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I think she really doesn't care though.

Why wait around for someone that deosnt care?
There'll always be another along

Sleepy

She's weighing up the pros and cons of living with you. What's that list going to look like?

Pro: someone to watch the telly with on a cold night
Con: no freedom to see other people
Pro: someone to share the bills with
...etc.

She's not weighing up whether she loves you or not. She's weighing up whether she can afford to live without your support and if any company is better than none.

MistyCheese

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I think she really doesn't care though.

Well if so then, there's your answer.

Katgurl

I am flabbergasted by the replies frankly. If you love this woman you need to sit down and talk to her. Ask her what her pros and cons are. Listen. Talk it out. See if you can resolve it. Figure out if you want to.

jeremymurphy

I am sorry I took all day to answer but it was my Christmas Party
No it's not out of the blue in a way. She has been a bit moody for months.
Yes the children add stress because of extra work but i am trying.
I really love this woman but what more can I do?
I pay the rent. I cook the dinner every day (because I finish earlier than she does) I make her lunch for work when I am doing mine. I wash the clothes. I do the shopping. I pay 2/3 of shopping because I earn more than she does. We don't have sex very often but I try to be an attentive lover when we do.

I think it is just because i am not attractive to her. She is very attractive. I am not.

CaraMay

I think she sees you as a walkover. Maybe she's attractive on the outside but her actions make her seem very unattractive on the inside,

crackers and cheese

It does not look good. ..cut your losses and leave. ..If you love someone you take the good with the bad

Sleepy

The pros are you make her life easier and fund it to a large extent.

The cons are that she has to feign affection.

That's a toxic relationship OP, get out of it and find someone who deserves you.

Sinall

OP, it does sound like things are unbalanced in terms of who does/pays for what. It doesn't sound fair on you.

You say that she has been moody - have you asked her what is wrong and how she is feeling and why? Asking if she loves you isn't enough - you both need to communicate properly. I know that can be a struggle at times.

She's not handling it well and, from what you say, isn't pulling her weight around the house. Attraction is not just physical though - it's made up of many components. Saying that this is because she's physically more attractive isn't getting to the root of the problem or what's going on.

If you want to try to salvage it then try talking to her properly. I know she's handling it badly - and that's a concern for you of course - but you've been together quite a while, so it's worth an honest conversation. Then you'll know for sure what you're dealing with. You can make up your mind with the full facts and that may well be to walk away. Or it may highlight something that you weren't aware of.

SusieBlue

OP you sound like a fantastic caring partner and you shouldn't let this woman treat you like this. Any woman would be lucky enough to be taken care of as well as you do her and she should be glad to have someone like you around. She sounds like she doesn't appreciate you at all. I agree that you need to decide for her and finish it.

You sound like a decent man and the right partner wouldn't treat you like this. You love her, and you would never treat her like this. That should give you an indicator of her feelings.

You will make a wonderful partner for someone else who appreciates you in the future. Best of luck.

strandroad

She really seems to be toxic and borderline emotionally abusive if she knows she can treat you like that and you'll take it.

Before you updated the thread I wanted to ask what the cons are in case you were not pulling your weight, were an active addict etc and she had reasons to question her future with you.

But the way it is she just thinks you're not good enough. Do yourself a favour and drop her first, you deserve better.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

I am flabbergasted by the replies frankly. If you love this woman you need to sit down and talk to her. Ask her what her pros and cons are. Listen. Talk it out. See if you can resolve it. Figure out if you want to.

Yeah good luck with that.

Ever consider that she's having an affair OP? Or is at least seeing other people? stringing you along, keeping the security of a roof and stability while in the background is searching for someone else ready to cut her losses and make a smooth transition to a new roof and relationship with someone else when she's sure it'll work?

LegacyUser

Sorry to hear this OP, Not to be flippant but could she be going trough the menopause or is she past that stage?

jeremymurphy

Things are no better. I have tried talking to her but she just won't talk. I asked her to try counselling but her exact words were "No way, I don't have a problem" I told her I thought we did as a couple but she just said "go to counselling yourself if you think it's so great"

I can't live like this. I think I will have to just face facts and go.

Full Marx

I'm afraid so... time to dump her, you do not deserve to be treated like that.

jeremymurphy

Full Marx wrote: »

I'm afraid so... time to dump her, you do not deserve to be treated like that.

I know you are right but I am so upset. I really tried to be a good partner.

pgj2015

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I know you are right but I am so upset. I really tried to be a good partner.

plenty more fish in the sea my friend:) you will be far happier without her in even a few months, finish it with her before she tries to end it, take the power from her.

Rachiee

Ah hun if she won't even talk to you there's absolutely nothing you can do. It sounds like she's fallen out if love with you and the fact that you treat her well just makes her resentful because she knows she should be happy but she's not and she's taking it out on you.

If she's not willing to fight for it, it's not there for her. Best of luck OP it doesn't sound like this has anything to do with you. life got in the way and the love wasn't strong enough, you deserve to have love and romance as part of your relationships. youre bound to feel hurt and disappointment but try not to take it personally leave with dignity knowing you did your best as a partner, you never know what the future will bring but know that you deserve better than this relationship.

ManOfMystery

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I know you are right but I am so upset. I really tried to be a good partner.

It is upsetting when you put in a lot of effort and feel it gets you nowhere. However, being in a relationship takes equal effort from both sides. If she isn't bothered about trying, and doesn't want to appear to fix anything, then there really isn't a relationship there any more - at least, only a one-sided one. It can't work if only one of you is invested in it and you can't force someone to change how they feel.

Cut your losses and move on. There are plenty of other potential partners out there and sure a good a number of them would love a partner who is attentive and makes as much of an effort as you did.

jeremymurphy

I am in bits. She finally admits she doesn't want me. She says she doesn't have anyone else but she knows she can do better

Dee01

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I am in bits. She finally admits she doesn't want me. She says she doesn't have anyone else but she knows she can do better

OP I'm really sorry to hear that. I know you're hurting now, but it will get easier. And for the record, you're the one who can do better. Take care.

GFT

jeremymurphy wrote: »

Things are no better. I have tried talking to her but she just won't talk. I asked her to try counselling but her exact words were "No way, I don't have a problem" I told her I thought we did as a couple but she just said "go to counselling yourself if you think it's so great"

I can't live like this. I think I will have to just face facts and go.

You seem like a nice bloke op there are a lot of very attractive women who appreciate that quality. Don't stay with someone that doesn't

CaraMay

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I am in bits. She finally admits she doesn't want me. She says she doesn't have anyone else but she knows she can do better

Oh god she's a nasty individual op. She can do better? I seriously doubt that!!! Who would want a woman as vile as her.

There are oodles of women out where who would love a nice partner.

Walk out with your nose in the air and thank your lucky stars.

ManOfMystery

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I am in bits. She finally admits she doesn't want me. She says she doesn't have anyone else but she knows she can do better

Cut her loose. I'm all for people being truthful, but "I can do better" is an obnoxious statement to come out to someone who is in a relationship with you and has been making a huge effort.

Let her go and move on with your life. You can do better too!!

Keane2baMused

This is going to hurt like hell for a time. But slowly but surely you will get some perspective.

This woman sounds awful to be frank. There's never a need to tell someone you can do better when they are someone who genuinely makes an effort and is a good person all round.

Most likely this is a lucky escape for you. Chances are she will always be looking for someone better!!

LegacyUser

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I am in bits. She finally admits she doesn't want me. She says she doesn't have anyone else but she knows she can do better

Op what a horrible thing to say to somebody. It's time to cut your losses and break up. She's not willing to work on the relationship or fix the issues, she's not willing to go to counselling and now she's saying she doesn't have anyone else but she can do better!!! Well if she knows she can do better don't wait for her to pull the plug do it yourself.

Ursus Horribilis

Wow that is mean. If she thought so little of you, home must've been an absolutely awful place. The only good thing about this is that she has left you in absolutely no doubt where you stand. I get the impression from you that you were prepared to stick it out in the hope that things would improve. Over the longer term, her coldness and nastiness would've left you in bits anyway. This is the relationship version of ripping off the plaster. When things improve for you (and they will get better), you'll come to realise that you're better off without her and will be happier for it.

Sleepy

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I can't live like this. I think I will have to just face facts and go.

Why should you go? You pay the rent and work more family friendly hours. Let her move out and seek full custody.

Go talk to a solicitor specialising in family law. You don't have the legal expertise to fight this battle even if you did have the strength for it so pay the the most vicious rottweiller you can to fight your corner.

silverbolt

jeremymurphy wrote: »

I am in bits. She finally admits she doesn't want me. She says she doesn't have anyone else but she knows she can do better

Thats just cold. Really cold.

I know it doesnt mean much right now OP, but i think shes done you a favour.

Let her go out and "do better" - as people get older they are less inclined to put up with that kind of crap. You live your life nad be happy in it. In time you'll look back ad think "what did i ever see in her?"

emo72

Just a small bit confused. Do you have any children between you? Or are they children from previous relationships?

jeremymurphy

emo72 wrote: »

Just a small bit confused. Do you have any children between you? Or are they children from previous relationships?

We have no children together. We both have children but with previous partners.

emo72

jeremymurphy wrote: »

We have no children together. We both have children but with previous partners.

that makes it a lot easier. less complications if you dont have a child with her. still i know its tough at the moment, hope it works out for you.

9de5q7tsr8u2im

A huge relief that ye've no children together, not saying in a bad way though..

jeremymurphy

I know that but I love her still. I miss her like crazy.