Late 30s and going nowhere

Mu78

I am a man in my late 30s. To my shame I have never been in a relationship. I have asked women out. In the last 3 months I have asked 3 different women out and got turned down each time.

I go out alone because I have no choice. I am in a fitness classes and in the past I have been in sports clubs.. I have went on holidays alone too. I have been to doctors and counsellors over the years but am still no further. I suffer from social anxiety and have been on high blood pressure tablets for several years as a result.

I live in a small town in a rural area. I do try my best to get by but everyone at work or the other activities I do are spoken for.

I feel I have let my parents down as they have never seen me be in a stable relationship and never have them possibly been grandparents at any stage. Social media does not help. In fact this has added more pain as all I see is couples getting on with their lives. I can't get even a date. The holiday season is coming up and I feel sick with loneliness that another year has gone by without a date with a woman.

I know i am not the only one with this but please give me some feedback.

Katgurl

I'm so sorry to hear you feel like this. Loneliness is crushing. My story is different to yours as in I have no problem getting dates but I still feel lonely - I go through periods where I am crying every day wondering how my friends all found people to fall in love with, have children with, plan their futures with. Then sometimes my married friends confide stories of affairs or disappointment or whatever.

My point is everyone feels bad in stages no matter what their circumstances. I feel really happy at the moment. So these feelings you're having can change if you give it some time.

Do you have any old friends you could reconnect with? Have you ever suggested anything aocial with work colleagues or people from your sports club?

lazza14

Hi,
It seems you are in a vicious circle, I'd imagine after asking a lady out and getting turned down dents the confidence,
which makes it harder to ask again etc...

Seems counter intuitive but I would stop looking and get focused on a new hobby where you will meet new people.
Dont make meeting someone the main priority, meet new people, get stuck into a new hobby and it will happen.

Good luck and stay positive

Hemerodrome

Ignore social media, everyone there is posting the best version of their lives and it's a facade. Stop taking responsibility for your parents getting to be grandparents, that's way too much to be taking on and even if your life was totally different it might not happen anyway, so just let that go.

The fact that you asked out 3 women in quick succession suggests that you are flailing around trying to catch anyone's eye, but coming across as a bit desperate and not building a rapport to base a date on. Relax, slow down, take the pressure off yourself to "achieve" a date, take time to get to know a girl before you ask her out.

Emme

OP sorry to hear you are finding it difficult to meet someone. How rural are you? Are you close enough to have a relationship with someone in a nearby big town/city who might be willing to settle down with you in time?

Your parents probably think that if you are settled with somebody you would be happy. You don't need to be settled with somebody to be happy but if you are happy you are more likely to meet someone. You are in your late 30s, lots of men wait until their 40s to marry so you have time to focus on getting yourself into a better frame of mind. This would be a good thing to do.

It's clear you're doing your best and making the most of what's in your area by joining fitness classes and sports clubs. Are you still in a sports club? Going on holidays alone is ok too but some holidays are better than others if you're on your own. Instead of doing a standard sun package holiday there's a company called Exodus www.exodustravels.eu/ie that run activity holidays of all levels. This would be perfect for you as you're into fitness. A lot of the participants travel alone and it's very social.

Internet dating can be a bit hit and miss and living in a rural area might thin out the pickings a bit but you would get some interest from overseas. That may or may not be genuine and you might be better to focus on broadening your social circle in a 50km radius. Could you do something at weekends that takes you outside the town and is within a one hour drive?

Would you consider yoga for relaxation and this might help your blood pressure and your doctor might take eventually take you off the tablets.

Mu78

I have always been a loner. Never one of the lads. I found it hard at work today, I find it impossible to concentrate on anything. It is because being rejected by another girl has done this.

This has happened loads of times, one I remember when I was 17 which is 20 years ago. I am thinking of going down the occupational health route at work again.

I can't deal with this anymore as I have everything and done all the self help stuff too.

kylith

Joining sports clubs is great for health, but they tend to be dominated by one gender. I would advise seeing what you can do about joining a group where you can get to meet and know women in a social setting before asking them out. Try meetup.com for things in your area. There are plenty of groups like bookclubs, hiking clubs, music and film groups and even groups for just socialising.

Hemerodrome

Mu78 wrote: »

I find it impossible to concentrate on anything. It is because being rejected by another girl has done this

No, it's not. Your reaction is a result of your choice and the leans of your anxiety, not her fault. I'd suggest you need something like CBT or some form of counseling, because while you may have a psychological reason for it, this is still a total overreaction. It is almost certainly coming across in your contact with women too and putting them off, so you're going to need to change how you think to change how you behave, to change how you get on with people.

sparkledrum

I think joining a walking club or something along that line would definitely be a good idea. You would have a opportunity to meet different people in a relaxed setting. Many go on holidays abroad too.

I hope things improve for you. It is a horrible feeling to be lonely.

santana75

Katgurl wrote: »

I'm so sorry to hear you feel like this. Loneliness is crushing. My story is different to yours as in I have no problem getting dates but I still feel lonely - I go through periods where I am crying every day wondering how my friends all found people to fall in love with, have children with, plan their futures with. Then sometimes my married friends confide stories of affairs or disappointment or whatever.

OP this ^^^^^^^^^^^^ is evidence that it has nothing to do with your lack of dates. I know it feels like if you had someone to love you that everything would be better. It wont, I can guarantee you that if by some chance you managed to meet someone it would quickly turn into a mess. You're not happy as you are right now and it would be the same if you met someone. Its a cliche but you really have to get to the point where you're happy alone and loving yourself before you can connect with another person. Thats the real issue here, that you dont love and accept yourself. If you did, trust me, you'd attract someone fairly quickly. But the thing is, your life would be different. Your job is not to join a walking club or meet-up or any of that stuff. Your job is to learn how to love yourself, thats it. Forget about the dating for now, just make a pact with yourself to figure all this out and not settle for a small life in a small town. The answers are there if you look, trust me. If you start down this road, everything you need will come to you, but you have to decide that this is what youre gonna do. You can overcome all of this and be a happy healthy human being.

OP, every now and then a post appears detailing a person's loneliness and desire for a better life.
In my close circle I can easily say that regardless of having relationships or children or any of the so called "boxes ticked" loneliness is like a shadow that creeps around.

I agree with Santana. Put finding a relationship to one side for now. It will be hard because you want it so bad but I think it's what you need to do. Rejection is cruel and each time it happens old hurts can be brought to the surface. Go easy with yourself. Loving yourself sounds like a bit of a cliché but it's very true. Fill your life OP.

Ask yourself what are the things that make you happy? What are the things that you love to do? Then go out and do them. I love being in the middle of nowhere and I love books. My soul is soothed by them. Love won't just magically appear when you least expect it. I've never understood that belief, but spend time on yourself and you'll be in a better position to date.

Best of luck to you.

via4

So sorry to hear your going through this sweetie. By the way 30 is young Just from a womens perspective I know and as you know we are hormonal creatures Sometimes if I guy asks a lady out she may be still hurting from a previous relationship and is not ready, the rejection has nothing to do with you though it may seem that way. A lot of women are guarded as they are afraid of getting hurt. I think you are so brave and amazing by the sounds of your post you go out alone ( nothing wrong with this ) and you ask women out that is so brave!!! Eventually someone will say yes but if you give up asking then it will always be no!! Best of luck your as so strong!