Am I a bad friend?

LegacyUser

There's a person I'm friends with and it recently came to light that they're suffering from depression. I know this because someone else close to the person came to me and told me as they felt I should know. The person hasn't told me themself but has dropped the odd hint here and there that they're not in good form when we talk.

The thing is, I'm not in good headspace myself. I've been really uptight for most of the year and am going to start counselling as I seem to be suffering from anxiety. There's been one or two traumatic events in my life recently and I wasn't coping at all. I'm quite an outgoing person and I haven't told anyone what I'm going through, and I don't know if anyone could ever tell.

So back to this friend - as soon as I was told this, I had a huge feeling of dread. My head is so clouded right now with my own problems that I don't feel like I'm the right person to help my friend. This person has lots of groups of friends but myself and the person who delivered me the news are their only real steady friends (I don't know the other person at all - different social groups). They're a good friend of mine but we generally have a jokey relationship and they're not one of the 3 or 4 friends I'd go to in need of a heart to heart. I want to help them but I haven't got help for myself yet. I feel that I have to help them because obviously I care for them and also I'm one of their only rocks - I know they'd be so hurt if I wasn't around.

Two other friends of mine went through bad mental health issues in recent years and I helped them through it at the time but I found it really really tough mentally - I was constantly worrying about them and checking if they were okay. I realise the best thing to do would be initiating a conversation about it with the person and saying I know they haven't been themselves but every time I see them I can't bring myself to do it. I'm not ready to talk to anyone about my problems yet and I know if I bring it up with this person all we'll ever talk about is our issues and I can't take any more sadness in my life. I feel really selfish basically looking at this new issue as somewhat of a burden on my shoulders because I know if this person finds out about my problems they'll want to be there for me and talk about it all the time.

Exclamation Marc

Considering the amount of issues you seem to be facing yourself, I don't think its an awful thing that there's no space for you to carry yet another burden.

Whilst it's great to be able to help other people, if you have your own battles, fight them first. You can care for your friend from a distance and let this friend's other friends carry the weight.

In my opinion, it's not selfish at all. You'll be in a better place when you're feeling better to help others.

Shrap

I don't think it's awful either. I totally recognise that feeling of dread that you're talking about, when you've enough going on for yourself without taking on another person's difficulties - which can so often happen when you're a designated "rock"!

I am friends with a couple who are constantly going through the mill. One minute they're blissfully happy; the next they're leaving each other again, and I have to admit that this whole year I've been avoiding them like the plague because my youngest is having a really hard time of it. I can't fit in any more emotional stuff, I just can't (up here is different - doesn't take it out of you).

If I were you, I would say to the friend who told you that you appreciate him/her saying but you're not great yourself right now so while you'll be there as a friend for your mate with difficulties, you're not going to go into details about it with them. I'd say, look after yourself first OP and if you meet your mate as usual, just be the same as usual. Don't take it on yourself to "try and help". Most of the time, we can't help much anyway except by being there as per usual for someone so if you can do that, then there's no need to put out for them beyond what you can cope with yourself.

Edit: Oh, and by the way, you're not the right person to help your friend right now. Spot on. Look after yourself hon, and don't take responsibility for anything but you right now eh? Xx

Emme

I have been going through a really tough time myself in the last few years due to my own health and a family illness which takes up most of my time outside work. Most of my friends have drifted away because I haven't been able to socialize. Nobody helps me and even though I initially got offers of help from people, whenever I asked they always had something going on which meant they couldn't help. So I don't bother asking for help now. If and when I get into a better place I will meet people again but while things are not going well I will deal with my problems alone.

Basically you're on your own in this world and if you have problems you deal with them alone. Let this person deal with their own problems and you deal with yours. When you're both in a better place you can meet again.

You are not a terrible person. People have enough to deal with themselves with taking on other people's problems.

Katgurl

Explain to mutual friend uou have your own problems and can't offer any real support. I'd leave it at that.