Guilt over missing funeral

LeeLooLee

Hi everyone,

Just posting here because I'm really down. I'm living abroad and my uncle back home died very suddenly a couple of days ago. It obviously came as a massive shock to everyone. My parents didn't inform me about it until a day later, I asked about going back home and my dad acted as if that would be crazy. I am in Europe but obviously last minute flights are very expensive, and there are no direct flights either. I would have done it, but my parents made me feel there was no need and I'd only be getting in the way, pretty much. The funeral is today and I'm devastated to be missing it. I live alone here and don't know many people and am so lonely and can't stop thinking about my uncle. I feel so guilty and I know my cousins will think I just couldn't be bothered to make the effort. I've changed my flights, so instead of going back right before Christmas, I'm now going home in a couple of days (giving me time to pack up my apartment and leave), but it's not enough. I feel so guilty, especially as last time I was home, I didn't go and visit him because I wanted to spend the time with my parents (I was only home for a weekend). I thought I could see my uncle at Christmas and now it's too late. It's just always so hard to know what to do for the best.

tayto lover

Very sorry for your loss but stop eating yourself up over it.
It is not your fault that you are abroad and that you were told a day too late.
This has happened to nearly everybody at one time or another and will happen again. You can't make every occasion whether happy or sorrowful. I have missed funerals and weddings from time to time, some while even living in this country. Forget about what your cousins will think. You will only think the worse but they might not think that at all.
Go and do something that makes you happy and think of your uncle. Say a prayer for him if it helps.

LeeLooLee

tayto lover wrote: »

Very sorry for your loss but stop eating yourself up over it.
It is not your fault that you are abroad and that you were told a day too late.
This has happened to nearly everybody at one time or another and will happen again. You can't make every occasion whether happy or sorrowful. I have missed funerals and weddings from time to time, some while even living in this country. Forget about what your cousins will think. You will only think the worse but they might not think that at all.
Go and do something that makes you happy and think of your uncle. Say a prayer for him if it helps.

Thanks for your post. I know this kind of thing comes with the territory when living abroad. You just feel so far away and so cut off. I was over here when my granny died, but she had an illness, so I was able to prepare and get myself ready to book last-minute flights. This has just come as such a shock. I think Facebook etc has made it worse with all the pictures and updates...just makes me want to be over there with the family so much.

mel.b

I know how you feel OP. I am originally from Australia and have lived in Ireland for 8 yrs. My grandmother died very suddenly and unexpectedly earlier this year and i didn't get home for the funeral. I wanted to, but my parents said not to come home. Instead i wrote a passage that was read out at the funeral and apparently the funeral was recorded so i can watch it if i ever want to. It's hard being so far away, but try to keep yourself busy and not worry about what others think. Your patents know you wanted to be there and that's what counts.

tayto lover

LeeLooLee wrote: »

Thanks for your post. I know this kind of thing comes with the territory when living abroad. You just feel so far away and so cut off. I was over here when my granny died, but she had an illness, so I was able to prepare and get myself ready to book last-minute flights. This has just come as such a shock. I think Facebook etc has made it worse with all the pictures and updates...just makes me want to be over there with the family so much.

Indeed you will feel like you should be there but really it will not be expected of you. Facebook will make you feel lonely too.
A phonecall to some of your cousins and let them know your feelings or even a few Facebook comments will suffice if you're worried about what they'll think of you. Really you shouldn't worry too much as you would not be expected to be there at all.
Cheer yourself up OP. It's all out of your control.

LeeLooLee

tayto lover wrote: »

Indeed you will feel like you should be there but really it will not be expected of you. Facebook will make you feel lonely too.
A phonecall to some of your cousins and let them know your feelings or even a few Facebook comments will suffice if you're worried about what they'll think of you. Really you shouldn't worry too much as you would not be expected to be there at all.
Cheer yourself up OP. It's all out of your control.

Have 'liked' all the lovely pictures and comments but haven't written anything as the medium of Facebook doesn't seem right. I suppose all I can do is visit as soon as I'm home. I've always been quite a family person so these things always hit hard.

Edgarfrndly

A funeral is simply a way to pay your respects, and come together as a family to grieve together. Perhaps visiting his grave to pay your final respects will help you.

miezekatze

I'm sure your family understand your situation, don't feel guilty about it. I'm from another European country, living in Ireland. A few years ago my uncle died unexpectedly and I wasn't able to go to the funeral either, it just would have been too expensive to go. I felt awful about it so I understand how you are feeling. I wrote a personal card to my aunt and she really appreciated that, and went over for a visit a few weeks later. My family weren't annoyed with me at all for not coming over. Living abroad, you have to try and accept that things like this can happen and that you won't be able to be there for every family event unfortunately. Just try to be there for your family as much as you can.

Roadtoad

Our local RC church broadcasts on line, which offers a chance to partake.

Sorry for your loss. It's the down side of living abroad. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take time to yourself at the time of the funeral and say a few prayers, or just some contemplation. My OH isn't Irish and has missed funerals of his Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts. For each he rang the relevant parent and spouse of the deceased the evening before. When he knew someones time was nearly up, he made it his business to visit. He got to see all bar one before they died and basically said his goodbyes.

LeeLooLee

Deleted User wrote: »

Sorry for your loss. It's the down side of living abroad. Don't be too hard on yourself. Take time to yourself at the time of the funeral and say a few prayers, or just some contemplation. My OH isn't Irish and has missed funerals of his Grandparents, Uncles, Aunts. For each he rang the relevant parent and spouse of the deceased the evening before. When he knew someones time was nearly up, he made it his business to visit. He got to see all bar one before they died and basically said his goodbyes.

I got to visit my granny before she died and spent some time with her. I'm so sorry that I didn't go and see my uncle a few months ago when I had the chance, but he was in perfect health and I thought I could see him over Christmas. I was having some issues of my own and I didn't feel like driving a couple of hours to his town and going out and having to socialise when I only had 2 days to spend with my parents. I feel so bad about that now, so self-centered. I should have made the effort.