Should I give up drink? Am I an alcoholic? Please help

susan2k15

Hi there,

I would like some unbiast advice regarding my drinking.

First off, I'm a 24 year old woman and many of my friends love to drink - and drink quite a lot.

I consider myself to be a problem drinker, however, I am unsure of whether I should keep working to further manage my issue with alcohol or if I should completely abstain from alcohol. I am rather uncomfortable discussing some of the main reasons why I believe this and with friends I do discuss it with (both responsible and irrepsonsible drinkers) tell me that I don't need to go off drink for good.

As I am posting anonymously, I thought I should share some of the most private reasons for why I feel I should give up alcohol.

I am/was a very binge drinker. I use to drink a bottle of wine before heading to the pub then continue to have anywhere from 5-10 drinks (pints or brandy or both) and more often than not, shots of some sort (tequila, baby guinness, jagerbombs). I use to blackout every few weeks/months, never really get sick. I am a lightweight drinker (tipsy after 2 pints, drunk after 3). Although, I am a lightweight drinker, when I get drunk I will not stop drinking and can consume alarmingly large amounts of alcohol for my 5ft2 frame.

I now drink 1 bottle of beer or less before I head out, avoid shots and stick to pints and maybe a brandy at the end of the night. I briefly went to counselling and am on antidepressants and now feel much more in control of my drinking due to the fact that my moods are so much more stable.

Previosuly, I use to drink because I was so uncomfortable in how I looked or how socialable I was - I drank to escape feelings of inadequacy. I am a very funny person to be around when I'm drunk and tend to get on great with others when drinking - people love having me around for a session and much of my self-esteem is/was based on happy I feel when drinking and how well others percieve me.

I drink one night every second week and don't seem to crave it so much other than this so naturally others don't assume I would be the "traditional" type of alcholic as I don't appear to have a phsycial dependency.

Although, I feel much more in control of my drinking - part of me wonders if this is me deluding myself in order to continue drinking and not face facts. I know that if I continue to drink, I cannot promise myself or anyone else that I won't ever go on an absolute bender or blackout. I often feel guilty about drinking even if I have no reason to regret the previous night - I feel guilty about the past and things I have let happen and blame myself.

When I was 18, I got blackout drunk and had vague flashbacks of being sexually assaulted by a stranger - my dress was still on and he had me in a strangle hold while he committed the act. I remember crying, saying stop and calling for my grandfather (who was dead 5 years at the time). After he was done, he invited his other friend into the room to also have sex with me. Needless to say, it was a traumatic way to lose my virginity however it is hard for me to feel remorse for myself when I continued to put myself in vulnerable situtations countless times since this incidence.

Years later, I fell in love but was still very much a problem drinker at the time. I again, got blackout drunk, kissed another man (after a bottle of wine + a pint of straight whiskey), told my BF (even though he would have never found out) who dumped me and has resented me ever since (and rightfully so). I had a complete mental breakdown after our relationship ended and have slowly come to terms with the guilt and anger at myself.

These are only two examples, clearly the two worst consquences of my drinking but it is clear to see that I have no regard for my personal safety or well being when I go on a binge.

So yeah, now, I feel that I am drinking because I enjoy it and not to escape my issues as I am trying to improve myself mentally. I feel much more aware of my drinking and avoid it if I feel that I am doing it because I feel upset/down.

I just don't know whether my drinking is only problematic because of how I feel about myself or if I should never drink again because it will always be problematic for me, regardless of my mental state or wellbeing?

I would appreciate any advice from people who have struggled with drinking. I know it is truly up to me to decide but I thought an outside perspective (not friends/family) might be helpful.

Ps. Apologies for the terribly long, scattered post!

Thanks,
Susan.

Missymoohaa

First of all congratulations on controlling your drinking that is a major achievement. You've been through the mill haven't you yet still blaming yourself. Leave that blame behind now it will only hinder you in the future. You seem to have a better control on your drinking Whitch is great but it's not your drinking that is the problem it's your sense of self worth. You sound like a great girl who was sexually assaulted and it's up to yourself whether you want to do something about that. Nobody has a right to have sex with you without your full consent. If you are drunk out of your mind this constitutes statutory rape. Please please seek councilling for what happened to you and look after yourself pet. I'd be more worried about your mental health at the moment. Not that I think you are mentally ill or anything it just seems you've been through a lot for your age. Stay safe, you sound like a lovely young girl.

ivytwine

I'm so sorry to hear of what happened to you. You were raped. I think what has happened to you since in regards to drinking is to do with this incident. Please please contact the rape crisis centre and talk to someone there xx

susan2k15

Missymoohaa wrote: »

First of all congratulations on controlling your drinking that is a major achievement. You've been through the mill haven't you yet still blaming yourself. Leave that blame behind now it will only hinder you in the future. You seem to have a better control on your drinking Whitch is great but it's not your drinking that is the problem it's your sense of self worth. You sound like a great girl who was sexually assaulted and it's up to yourself whether you want to do something about that. Nobody has a right to have sex with you without your full consent. If you are drunk out of your mind this constitutes statutory rape. Please please seek councilling for what happened to you and look after yourself pet. I'd be more worried about your mental health at the moment. Not that I think you are mentally ill or anything it just seems you've been through a lot for your age. Stay safe, you sound like a lovely young girl.

Thank for you actually reading and your kind response.

To be perfectly honest, although being sexually assaulted defintely triggered my issues with drinking, it didn't affect my sense of self-worth half as much as ruining a relationship and hurting someone I loved. I don't blame myself so much for the incident but for how I chose to deal with it after it happened.

I always justified my drinking as so what if I get drunk, its not like I'm hurting anyone - and then I did and I have never felt so horrible in all my life. Nothing I can do can make up the pain I caused him, I can't ever take it back whether I drink or not but at least I know I can't make a mistake like that again without any alcohol in my life.

I am planning to give it up for 90 days for New Years to really focus on myself and suppose take it from there.

ivytwine

susan2k15 wrote: »

Thank for you actually reading and your kind response.

To be perfectly honest, although being sexually assaulted defintely triggered my issues with drinking, it didn't affect my sense of self-worth half as much as ruining a relationship and hurting someone I loved. I don't blame myself so much for the incident but for how I chose to deal with it after it happened.

I always justified my drinking as so what if I get drunk, its not like I'm hurting anyone - and then I did and I have never felt so horrible in all my life. Nothing I can do can make up the pain I caused him, I can't ever take it back whether I drink or not but at least I know I can't make a mistake like that again without any alcohol in my life.

I am planning to give it up for 90 days for New Years to really focus on myself and suppose take it from there.

Hey OP,

I don't want to tell you how you feel. However I know when I personally reacted to the end of a relationship in a way that was out of all proportion, it wasn't about him... It was about way way deeper stuff. I kinda think this may be the case for you?

You made a mistake that lost you a good guy. But maybe you attached a lot of importance to this guy because he is a good one? You'd a horrific experience and it would be understandable if that coloured your view of men somewhat.

I know the drinking started before the sexual assault but it did sound like pretty standard stuff for an Irish girl of our generation. Which is not good or positive at all but most girls I know would have been like this at one or more point. Not positive, not a healthy relationship with alcohol... But not necessarily alcoholism.
I've had my issues around alcohol too and in my experience most Irish people only see it as a problem when someone gets upset or aggressive. Even tho you might be drinking less than the other people in the group. Like it's seen as just the craic until things go wrong.

Also I'm just wondering if he broke up with you over one kiss, this seems a little extreme? Most guys would be pissed off but would probably not dump you. Absolutely no obligation to answer here but I'm wondering if there was an escalation of behaviour while drinking that pushed him to that point.

So maybe you need to deal and unpick all of this stuff to move forward. Again I hope you don't feel I'm telling you what you feel, I just think maybe this is all interlocking.

I think knocking the drink on the head is not a bad idea at all. I think that in conjunction with a counsellor or talking to the RCC might really help. I don't know if you've discussed this with your previous counsellor, forgive me if you have. You don't need to go this road alone.

Also I'm pretty sure the RCC won't push you to report if you don't want to if that's an issue.

Finally (sorry I keep editing this!) you had justified heavy drinking by saying you weren't hurting anything until the incident with your ex. But that's not true. You've been harming yourself... I'm not going to preach about health etc but you know that this was not good behaviour for you mentally or physically. Why did you see harm done to yourself as lesser than the harm done to others? You're worth just as much as they are.

susan2k15

ivytwine wrote: »

Hey OP,

I don't want to tell you how you feel. However I know when I personally reacted to the end of a relationship in a way that was out of all proportion, it wasn't about him... It was about way way deeper stuff. I kinda think this may be the case for you?

You made a mistake that lost you a good guy. But maybe you attached a lot of importance to this guy because he is a good one? You'd a horrific experience and it would be understandable if that coloured your view of men somewhat.

So maybe you need to deal and unpick all of this stuff to move forward. Again I hope you don't feel I'm telling you what you feel, I just think maybe this is all interlocking.

I think knocking the drink on the head is not a bad idea at all. I think that in conjunction with a counsellor or talking to the RCC might really help. You don't need to go this road alone.

Also I'm pretty sure the RCC won't push you to report if you don't want to if that's an issue.

Hi,

Yeah, I know my reaction to the break up was defiantely related to deeper issues. We had a perfect relationship with the exception that he was the only person who ever had a real concern over my drinking - of course, I thought or wanted to think he was just being an over protective boyfriend seeing as he was a heavy drinker himself. I think so much of my self-esteem was based on my drinking that hurting someone you love and having them resent you completely broke me and the illusion that the way I drink is "who I am" when in fact it was how I tried to "deal" with my issues. He said that if it wasn't for what happened he was sure that he would marry me - and I would have said yes, so my I feel like a complete f**k up now naturally enough.

I went to counselling for a few months but it didn't really work for me (I didn't even tell her about my sexual assault). I think I need to talk to someone who can specifically relate to having been through what I have. I am 5 months waiting to see an addiction specialist but think I'll try AA in January.

I don't know about the RCC, no point reporting something that happened 6 years ago when I can't remember what they look like or where they lived. I've tried putting it behind me, its kind of easier when you remember so little but maybe I've been ignoring how its in turn shaped me into who I am.

Feel

Wishing you all the best.

ivytwine

susan2k15 wrote: »

Hi,

Yeah, I know my reaction to the break up was defiantely related to deeper issues. We had a perfect relationship with the exception that he was the only person who ever had a real concern over my drinking - of course, I thought or wanted to think he was just being an over protective boyfriend seeing as he was a heavy drinker himself. I think so much of my self-esteem was based on my drinking that hurting someone you love and having them resent you completely broke me and the illusion that the way I drink is "who I am" when in fact it was how I tried to "deal" with my issues. He said that if it wasn't for what happened he was sure that he would marry me - and I would have said yes, so my I feel like a complete f**k up now naturally enough.

I went to counselling for a few months but it didn't really work for me (I didn't even tell her about my sexual assault). I think I need to talk to someone who can specifically relate to having been through what I have. I am 5 months waiting to see an addiction specialist but think I'll try AA in January.

I don't know about the RCC, no point reporting something that happened 6 years ago when I can't remember what they look like or where they lived. I've tried putting it behind me, its kind of easier when you remember so little but maybe I've been ignoring how its in turn shaped me into who I am.

I completely understand that, and I myself have had experiences that I won't report. No point at this stage. I think you'd def benefit from a specialist in this area.

Please don't beat yourself up about this guy. At the end of the day he knew you had issues around alcohol but it doesn't appear he did much to help you around this? I know he was in no way obligated to become a teetotaller but if he remained a heavy drinker throughout the relationship this was hardly conductive to you overcoming your alcohol issues.

Like when I was really bad, I'd friends just tell me to not get upset that night. Then they'd buy me shots. Then something set me off and I'd be screaming or crying again. It was a cycle. This may have not been your experience but simply telling a drunk person to do something doesn't work. Telling a drunk person to calm down or stop crying doesn't work. The reasons need to be tackled sober.

You may never get to marry that man. You will find someone though, but you need to find a way to be ok with yourself first.

susan2k15

ivytwine wrote: »

I completely understand that, and I myself have had experiences that I won't report. No point at this stage. I think you'd def benefit from a specialist in this area.

Please don't beat yourself up about this guy. At the end of the day he knew you had issues around alcohol but it doesn't appear he did much to help you around this? I know he was in no way obligated to become a teetotaller but if he remained a heavy drinker throughout the relationship this was hardly conductive to you overcoming your alcohol issues.

Like when I was really bad, I'd friends just tell me to not get upset that night. Then they'd buy me shots. Then something set me off and I'd be screaming or crying again. It was a cycle. This may have not been your experience but simply telling a drunk person to do something doesn't work. Telling a drunk person to calm down or stop crying doesn't work. The reasons need to be tackled sober.

You may never get to marry that man. You will find someone though, but you need to find a way to be ok with yourself first.

ivytwine wrote: »

I completely understand that, and I myself have had experiences that I won't report. No point at this stage. I think you'd def benefit from a specialist in this area.

Please don't beat yourself up about this guy. At the end of the day he knew you had issues around alcohol but it doesn't appear he did much to help you around this? I know he was in no way obligated to become a teetotaller but if he remained a heavy drinker throughout the relationship this was hardly conductive to you overcoming your alcohol issues.

Like when I was really bad, I'd friends just tell me to not get upset that night. Then they'd buy me shots. Then something set me off and I'd be screaming or crying again. It was a cycle. This may have not been your experience but simply telling a drunk person to do something doesn't work. Telling a drunk person to calm down or stop crying doesn't work. The reasons need to be tackled sober.

You may never get to marry that man. You will find someone though, but you need to find a way to be ok with yourself first.

Thank you so much for responding to me, you honestly don't know how much it means to me.

I know that I would have forgiven him but I can't blame him for not being able to do the same because he didn't understand. He was a heavy drinker but he could hold his drink as he never got mad or blacked out, he didn't understand, I was his first girlfriend. He had seen me get blackout drunk a number of times and suggested I get help but I convinced him otherwise.

He said that he couldn't trust me again because I couldn't promise him that I would never get blackout drunk - I offered to go off for it good but it didn't matter, I was tainted in his mind. Some people are black and white and he couldn't wrap around his head that I could betray him regardless of how much I drank. I shouldn't have told him but I couldn't excuse it as "I was drunk, it doesn't matter" like I've seen many friends do, and because deep down I always feared it could happen and didn't prevent it. I met his best friend out the other night who told me he hasn't so much as kissed another girl since we broke up 7 months ago and that he refused to ever talk to him about us so I assume he is still angry at the whole situation. Once I was the best thing to happen to him and now I'm the worst (his words, not mine).

I suppose I am concerned because although I am drinking more moderately, I feel myself falling back into the same cycle of I love drink and having craic, and the casual sex to offset the fact that I am still uphappy with myself and feel lonely. Whereas, old me would think stop being such a drama queen and go have the craic for yourself you're only young once don't be such a dry ****e (or as my friends would say when I tell them I'm off the drink).

And I completely understand the telling a drunk person to drink less does not work (my friend told the bar man to stop serving me once and I gave out to her and went to another pub by myself!)

mapaca

Just two points for you to think about:

I don't know a whole lot about alcoholism, but you seem to feel your drinking is out of control, and that's a good enough reason to examine it and look into the reasons why. I think your plan to give it up in the new year is a step in the right direction. I hope that you will continue with counselling.

To reiterate, the rape crisis centre will not make you report to the gardai if you don't want to. Their main concern is helping you to deal with what happened and begin the healing process. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened. You say you would like to speak to a specialist, well they are specialists in this area. Please give them a call.

Best of luck.

StanleyOllie

I have to say I was quite impressed with your post. There seems to be so many involved in that type of drinking culture and think its normal.
You sound like you are maturing into a very reaponsible insightful adult who is aware of themself.
Yes you have been through stuff... but that will help make you more empathetic. Very few go through life without heartbreak.
Yeah you could dwell on the assault and its awful that it happened to you but you come across realistic. Its happened... you cant change it if you dwell on it, it could bring you down. Get therapy if you think its impacting on you but if you can box it off... well done.
Regarding the drinking. I think its a good idea to give up for a while. My advise would be dont give it a 90 day time frame. You may aim to go on an almighty session then. Just aim to possibly go back when you feel ready and have worked on your self worth.
As life goes on and you may have kids priorities change. That social scene often changes and life has a different slant.
You have good perspective and sound lovely and are taking the right steps. Good luck.

The Princess Bride

Hi Susan.
I was going to recommend you to post in the Non Drinkers Forum but I see you already have.
The only other thing I'd say, to add to what has already been said, is why are you waiting until January ?
What's wrong with starting today?
There are 25 days between now and then and so much could go wrong.

You've articulated so well in this post, you come across as intelligent and focused-well done.
Please reconsider counselling -just because it didn't help before doesn't mean it won't again. It can be a slow process but very worthwhile. A GP visit wouldn't go amiss just to check bloods etc...A supportive GP is worth their weight in gold.

You've a difficult journey ahead and need so much support and am not sure your friends will provide it.
Well done on admitting you've a problem, best of luck and take care.

dellas1979

You have become aware of your situation and it is fantastic OP that you now have this insight into yourself. It is a very hard thing to do, many people will never do this, because with it comes personal responsibility and the terrors of things that have happened with this situation. You've faced up to something very hard.

Here is the thing though-you cant go back and change anything. There is not one thing that you can do. You've to stop getting out that stick and beating yourself.

All you can do now with this new awareness is in the present and in the future. That could mean for you having certain support around you (e.g., councelling, different types of friends-not just ones where alcohol is the common ground - you could even go to some alanon support groups). And more importantly, forgiving yourself. Be easy and kind to yourself. You are a human being who made mistakes and have learned from them. That really is amazing in itself. Its a transition.

In time, you may also realise that having a partner who also drinks heavily is not something that will suit you. Your mind will become clearer in time with what you need. But put away the big stick now.

Katgurl

Oh god you poor thing. Please go to the RCC and work with a counsellor through the assault. It sounds horrendous. I suspect what's happening is because you were too drunk to have all the details you are carrying the burden of guilt. Please talk to a professional about this.

Did you tell your ex about this incident? Heartbreak is awful under any circumstances but here you are again dealing with massive pain and again you feel partially responsible and its all tied in with alcohol. I'm not surprised drinking terrifies you.

I don't see any harm in quitting; really drink does no good in the larger scheme of things. But from what you've written I think you have gotten a handle on your drinking and maybe you should trust yourself to stay in control.

Your ex sounds very black and white. I know you miss him but he might not be what you really need. You need kindness and empathy. You made a mistake. Everyone does. Please stop berating yourself.

susan2k15

Katgurl wrote: »

Oh god you poor thing. Please go to the RCC and work with a counsellor through the assault. It sounds horrendous. I suspect what's happening is because you were too drunk to have all the details you are carrying the burden of guilt. Please talk to a professional about this.

Did you tell your ex about this incident? Heartbreak is awful under any circumstances but here you are again dealing with massive pain and again you feel partially responsible and its all tied in with alcohol. I'm not surprised drinking terrifies you.

I don't see any harm in quitting; really drink does no good in the larger scheme of things. But from what you've written I think you have gotten a handle on your drinking and maybe you should trust yourself to stay in control.

Your ex sounds very black and white. I know you miss him but he might not be what you really need. You need kindness and empathy. You made a mistake. Everyone does. Please stop berating yourself.

Katgurl wrote: »

Oh god you poor thing. Please go to the RCC and work with a counsellor through the assault. It sounds horrendous. I suspect what's happening is because you were too drunk to have all the details you are carrying the burden of guilt. Please talk to a professional about this.

Did you tell your ex about this incident? Heartbreak is awful under any circumstances but here you are again dealing with massive pain and again you feel partially responsible and its all tied in with alcohol. I'm not surprised drinking terrifies you.

I don't see any harm in quitting; really drink does no good in the larger scheme of things. But from what you've written I think you have gotten a handle on your drinking and maybe you should trust yourself to stay in control.

Your ex sounds very black and white. I know you miss him but he might not be what you really need. You need kindness and empathy. You made a mistake. Everyone does. Please stop berating yourself.

Yes my ex was one of three people I confided in (if boards doesn't count!), he can't understand me and I can't blame him for that. He was fortunate to have a solid, happy up-bringing and our break up was the first real bad thing to happen to him - by his own admission. I think if we were older that he may have understood more but to him, he just couldn't see how to trust me again. Sober, I am the most honest, loyal, caring person which seems to elude me when I drink.

For the most part, I thought I had my drinking under control - being able to go to the pub actually sober, avoiding shots and being able to say no to that extra drink or not going out to please people - I feel so much more present when drinking for the most part and feel like I am enjoying myself instead of drinking to numb how out of place I felt.

However, in saying that, I have still had 2 blackouts in the past 6 months (one unintentionally at home and the other being complete carelessness), the second incident ended up with me waking up at a hotel room with two foreign guys with no recollection (nothing happened - miraculously), apparently I drank my way through a nearly a full bottle of captain morgan and had to pay the hotel 60 euro due to noise complaints. The two guys said that I am great craic but that recokned I was a had a drink problem when they saw how much captain I had gone through. I then drove to work hammered 4 hours late and sent myself home a half hour later upon realising this after seeing the looks on my colleagues faces. My colleague said that an incident like that alone would stop her from drinking whereas my other friends would think of it as just another one of my "hilarious" drunken mishaps. So yeah, I don't feel bad for myself for what happened when I was 18 because I haven't really done anything to remove myself from such a situation happening again.

Jesus, writing this really makes me sound like an alcoholic.

Ollygolf

Susan your a fantastic lady after all that you've been through. One thing caught my attention. Your ex asked you to get help etc. Get help,control or better still stop drinking and then maybe it'll be a different story. I know you offered to stop drinking but actions speak louder than words. Even if your relationship is still over I'm sure he'd be very proud and happy for you if you do sort out your drinking. And just remember that what's for you won't pass you so maybe there's someone bigger and better out there for you. Best of luck x

susan2k15

Ollygolf wrote: »

Susan your a fantastic lady after all that you've been through. One thing caught my attention. Your ex asked you to get help etc. Get help,control or better still stop drinking and then maybe it'll be a different story. I know you offered to stop drinking but actions speak louder than words. Even if your relationship is still over I'm sure he'd be very proud and happy for you if you do sort out your drinking. And just remember that what's for you won't pass you so maybe there's someone bigger and better out there for you. Best of luck x

Thank you for your lovely response. Ya at times it feels like I've chosen drink over him, its frustrating because he doesn't want to speak to me ever again and hasn't since we broke up so its not like he'd even know, or care to knows, whether I control my drinking. But at least, it feels like if I give up drink and feel better that losing him wouldn't be all for nothing.

Thanks again for your kind words, I didn't expect anyone to respond nonetheless understand, as my friends don't get that I find it so difficult to control my drinking.

Walter Bishop

susan2k15 wrote: »

I am planning to give it up for 90 days for New Years to really focus on myself and suppose take it from there.

Speaking from experience I recommend you don't plan to give up for 90 days.

Plan to not drink for 3 days. When you do that, plan to extend it to 7 days and so on.

Setting excessive targets is often a route to failure, take it one week at a time.