Crossroads - not sure what to do

LegacyUser

I'm not sure what to do.. I've been dating a guy (both 30) for the past year, going out to dinner, cinema, nights out, nights in etc. haven't met each other's families or friends, bc I didn't want this yet. I had a long term relationship that ended badly and affected both our families so I've been reluctant for that.
However the last night, I overheard him tell someone that he randomly met when out that he was 'single but meeting someone'. I was kind of shocked, bc when it's the other way around, I say I have a boyfriend, I'd never say I was single.
When we discussed it when we got back to my place, it got worse....he basically said that he wasn't able to be someone's boyfriend, he tried being a boyfriend in the past and it didn't work out, that he hurt women and would hurt me down the line, by I would want more from him than he was able to give. I explained I didn't really want more than we had now, going out, not meeting or looking to meet other people, and know we care and like each other. He said he was happy with that too.. However I think this is a boyfriend but he doesn't?
I'm not sure what I'm missing here, and not sure what to do.... I can't get an answer to these questions from him, and am considering whether this is worth it, even though I enjoy spending time with him. Should I continue as we are, or call it off because he can't give commit to more. Is he giving himself a get out of jail card for when he wants out? Or am I just stressing over labels when I shouldn't be? I was never like this, but find myself very anxious over this.

ivytwine

But what do you want OP? Do you want a long term relationship with this guy?

I think if you do you need to listen to what he's telling you. He's telling you he doesn't want a relationship. He's telling other people he's single.

If you want more than just being a casual thing, you need communicate this to him. But you may need to be prepared for him to tell you that's not for him.

Again... You need to do what's right for you. He doesn't seem to be particularly mindful of your feelings.

CaraMay

Is he seeing other people? Sounds like he's thinking friends with benefits.

strandroad

He thinks of himself as single, the moment he meets someone better he'll drop you instantly. Is this something you can live with? It's more of a FWB arrangement than a relationship indeed.

Augme

Sounds like friends with benefits alright. In terms of commitment and boyfriend label you need to ask yourself what you want to happen in the future. You mention you haven't introduced each to your families - do want to do that in the future? In my eyes that's where the difference between a friend with benefit and a boyfriend starts. A boyfriend would typically be expected to attend their partners family and friends events. Chances are the guy has no interest in that and doesn't want the pressure of what that extra commitment means. Best thing to do is decide what kind of future your want and expect and then sit down with him and talk about it.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't think he wants to be your boyfriend but you've not helped the situation with your own stance. I can understand why you'd be cautious about introducing him to your friends and family but you've got to understand that this also has a completely different meaning. One that he took up. To hang around with someone for a year and not have them meet anyone from your life is the sort of thing that people having affairs do. I think you played into his hands in this regard. Would he have bolted months ago if you wanted him to meet your family and friends?

I don't see anything in what he has said which points to him wanting to be your boyfriend. He likes you enough to hang out with you but that's as far as it goes. If he had wanted to be your boyfriend, he'd have jumped at the chance to clear things up once you had that conversation. He knows where you stand but he has not come up to the plate.

magneticimpulse

It definitely sounds like friends with benefits. He has told you he doesnt want a reltionship and he doesnt consider you his girlfriend! The i hurt people is a warning to you that eventually he will move onto someone else and hurt you. He is grooming you for that!

I was seeing a 30 year old guy as well from work for year and he said the same things - that he had hurt someone and wasnt ready. Even brought me out for dinners etc. He would tell people that i thought we were dating and laugh. Then he dropped me like a hat in the summer after he met someone else but sure enough he hasnt brought her to any work parties nor put photos up of her on his facebook!

Here are some flags that if he is missing you have a player:
Does he have an interest in your interests? Do you do those interests together? Does he let you stay overnight at his or is the sex very quick and in the day? Ie you have to leave even though you would prefer to stay for the night? Does he make an effort for your birthday/christmas? He doesnt meet your friends so how does that work for important things in your life like birthdays? Does he talk about a future together with you in it? What are his future plans? Does he ever cancel dates at the last minute? Does he check up on you by sending text messages 1st things and last thing at night? Are is text sexual or include normal stuff?

Above are just red flags if i was in situation.

njs030

Op there is only one thing that matters, he's told you he doesn't want a relationship. Unfortunately that usually means he doesn't want a relationship with you- its not a reflection on you at all but you do need to listen to what he's saying.

After a year he should know what he wants and he does. Unless you're happy being a casual thing and knowing he's on the lookout for someone else you should walk away.

magneticimpulse

I would agree with the above. He is waiting to find someone that is a better fit for him and there is nothing you can do to change his mind.

He will not wake up one day and decide he wants you to be his serious girlfriend or a future with you. He finds you attractive and enjoys hanging out but that's about it in his mind - no matter how much harder you try to be the awesome girlfriend or easy going you can't change that.

He is the type that will meet a girl on tinder or a night out that he considers is a better fit for him and drop you like a hat. And unless casual is something you want, you will get hurt if you don't give this guy the boot first. He is a charmer and won't be used to being dumped - he is used to playing this same game over and over with many women. He knows how to push your buttons and how to get away with it.

Wasting time on this guy is stopping you from meeting a decent guy

mapaca

The biggest red flag for me was the "I'll only hurt you down the line" bit. My bet is that this will turn out to be true. He will meet someone else, drop you, and then say "I warned you, this is what I'm like, what did you expect, sure we weren't really going out together anyway" etc.

Emme

OP, if he says he is single then so are you. If you haven't officially "finished" with him (if there is anything to finish) do so as soon as you can. I hope you haven't got a Christmas present bought for him. Try to surround yourself with as many supportive people as possible for the next while and forget about him.

LegacyUser

You're only at a crossroads in your own mind. His mind is quite clearly made up- he wants a no strings attached scenario (nice of him to forget to tell you this from the get-go). So, do YOU want an exclusive relationship? What value do you place on yourself? Do you consider yourself worthy of love & a loving relationship?

Magicmatilda

Mochusala86 wrote: »

not meeting or looking to meet other people,

Are you sure he is not meeting or looking to meet others?

Sounds like he might be or is planning to.

Do you never want a serious relationship again where you meet each others friends and families? If not then continue on but know that he is not going to commit. He has told you that.

If however you do want to meet someone and have a serious relationship, maybe marraige and kids etc.. then you need to walk away from this guy and find someone who wants that.

Sleepy

Time to call an end to it OP. He's told you himself that he's not interested in being your boyfriend. You clearly want more from this arrangement than he does.

How did it get this far without ye discussing what it was that you wanted from each other?

silverbolt

Just to swing it around a bit. Your first word is dating - dating does not usually imply a full on relationship. Secondly after a year and you havent met each other families as YOU didnt want that. It seems like there is a bit of having your cake and eating it from your end as well. He's certainly no angel but if neither of have quantified your relationship (or have you?) then he's going to do what he's going to do.

Tbh OP Id say that this isnt going anywhere for either of you.