How to deal with someone who gets pissed off so easily

LegacyUser

This relates to me and my daughter's mother (let's call her Jane). For the record we're not together but we're quite involved in each others lives.

I'm starting to realise how quick she is to get annoyed and angry and this seems to have spiralled in to a self perpetuating issue.

At the moment it feels like unless I am 100% perfect, she'll get incredibly annoyed at any shortcoming. For example if I'm 10 minutes late, she'll get angry and annoyed, whereas she can show up an hour and a half late and not offer an apology or explanation, and would get pissed off if I queried it.

I was abroad for a trip and offered to buy her a shopping list of things. I spent a good chunk of the last 2 days of my trip going around to many different shops to find her her stuff, even dragging my friend around to help me. I got most of the things and thought she'd be delighted, but she barely thanked me and in the end said she was pissed off because I didn't get everything, and some of the things were wrong (i.e I got the wrong size [because that's all they had, which she didn't give me a chance to explain]).

Another recent issue was I spent weeks organising our daughter's birthday party. It was all coming together nicely and we were set to have a great day. I took care of everything and Jane didn't have to lift a finger - she was very busy at the time and this was fine with me, I was more than happy to take it on. The morning of the party Jane starts sending me a bunch of questions asking me did I do this that and the other. I had sorted almost everything except for a few last things I got on my way to the venue. Of course Jane got super pissed off at this that I had left it "'til the last minute", and this put a total downer on the day.

I will admit that by nature I'm not the most organised of people and I am forgetful. With the shopping list from abroad example above I did forget that I had to pick up a few things (the stuff was split across two different types of lists), but felt I made up for it on the last day but obviously not.

I stand up for myself but this leads to more agro. At this point I don't know if it's my fault for being the forgetful/disorganised type and expecting people to have patience. I'm not sure what is justified and what isn't, or if it matters.

Typer Monkey

Sounds like you are far too involved in her life tbh. Why are you wasting two days of your holidays shopping for her, even more so when she's ungrateful for your efforts? If I were you I'd be keeping communication strictly related to your daughter, pull right back from the level of involvement you currently have and stop tolerating her moods and fits.

iusedtoknow

if this was your partner, the advice would be to stop trying so hard, and talk to her about a lack of appreciation. But this is a person you aren't involved with romantically yet you seem to be tied to her.

A shopping list from abroad?!? What can't she get in Ireland? Did she pay you?

You need to realize that despite the fact you have a kid together, you aren't involved and shouldn't be involved to the level you are at the moment.

I would pull away, make sure you formalize sharing the care for your kid, and start living your own life without hoping for her approval.

LegacyUser

OP here again, thank you for the replies. We're involved in each others' lives because we're good friends, at least we used to be, and for a while we might have gotten back together. So this makes it all a lot more difficult and if it was more straightforward it'd be a lot easier to know what to do.

Shrap

iusedtoknow wrote: »

I would pull away, make sure you formalize sharing the care for your kid, and start living your own life without hoping for her approval.

^^ That. Especially the formalize part. For co-parenting to work at all well, there has to be respect for each other's parenting and independence. You will need to put the foot down about how you are treated if you are 10 mins late, and stop shopping for the woman thinking you'll get a gold star/pat on the back. She's clearly not in the business of giving you credit for anything, so distance yourself - keep it strictly and politely business until there's a change of behaviour in return.

LegacyUser

How to deal with someone who gets pissed off so easily? Stop trying to please them. You will never please her. Ever. No matter how much you do, there will always be something else you should have done. She doesn't want you to be perfect. She wants to have something to have a go at you over. If she can't find anything real, she come up with a perceived problem. So just stop.

Also, lie! "Do you have everything ready for the party?". "Yes, see you there" and then pick up whatever last minute bits you need before you meet her.

R.D. aka MR.D

LegoFriends wrote: »

Also, lie! "Do you have everything ready for the party?". "Yes, see you there" and then pick up whatever last minute bits you need before you meet her.

I hate lying so I'd be more inclined to say something like 'Oh thanks for asking but I don't need any help right now. Sure, if I do I'll give you a shout. See you later.' People who ask these kind of things tend to be a little bit controlling so taking the control away from them by not giving them any choice is the way to go.

It's not clear from your second post but are you putting up with all of this because you're hoping to get back together?

LegacyUser

Yes I have wanted to get back together for some time. We did get back together briefly but things didn't go very well. So it's all a bit up in the air really but at this point I'm just tired of being made feel like s**t so often.

R.D. aka MR.D

Frrrustrated wrote: »

Yes I have wanted to get back together for some time. We did get back together briefly but things didn't go very well. So it's all a bit up in the air really but at this point I'm just tired of being made feel like s**t so often.

Why do you want to get back together? She's sounds unbelievably unpleasant. If you did get back together, do you intend to let her walk all over you for the rest of your life. And then watch as your daughter learns that's how you treat the men in your life?

loalae

Frrrustrated wrote: »

Yes I have wanted to get back together for some time. We did get back together briefly but things didn't go very well. So it's all a bit up in the air really but at this point I'm just tired of being made feel like s**t so often.

Problem is, she knows you want to be with her and will accept her crap so she's behaving really badly and you're allowing her. I agree with what everyone else is saying - don't accept it and stop being a doormat. Start saying 'no' when she makes unreasonable requests (like spend your holiday shopping for me! WTF OP!) Sorry if I sound harsh but it sounds like she doesn't have the respect for you that you deserve so you should either go and meet someone who does or tell her that you don't appreciate the way she speaks to you and you won be putting yourself out for her again (preferably both actually.)

LegacyUser

OP here again, thanks for the replies.

I can see how from my posts that it sounds like I'm being a doormat, but I'm not. I'm quite assertive and don't let myself be taken advantage of - the problem is this often results in an argument because she never sees her behaviour as wrong or unjustified. For example she said the shopping list issue was easily avoidable, i.e it was my fault that it became an issue (by not getting everything she wanted). Whereas a normal person would just be appreciative that I offered in the first place and went to such trouble. I offered to do it for her in the first place as a favour, and why not - she's been having a rough time as of late and I thought it'd make her happy. But her turning a favour in to something to get angry and try make me feel bad over is unacceptable, and for me now it represents the dynamic between us which has to change one way or the other.

She's not going to apologise or make reconciliations, so my only choice is to distance myself.

I'll also be refusing to do any more favours for her that don't relate directly to my daughter.

Why do you want to get back together? She's sounds unbelievably unpleasant. If you did get back together, do you intend to let her walk all over you for the rest of your life. And then watch as your daughter learns that's how you treat the men in your life?

Because I really like her and despite all this stuff we are very close. Whether we have a future together or not I don't know, but in my mind the ball is in her court now and I'll be taking a big step back in the meantime. And again, I don't let her walk all over me but I also don't want arguing & fighting.

LegacyUser

Op you say you are assertive but yet you allow her to bully you. You are not in a relationship with her and yet she has you jumping through hoops for her, spent 2 days of your trip shopping for stuff and she can't even muster a thank you. You may think you are incredibly close but the way she is treating you is horrible. Are you sure she is not using you and stringing you along because if you have already tried reconciling and it hasn't worked out then why keep the door open for a relationship in the future? Why not just focus solely on raising your daughter.