Recently met girl; developing feelings but very unsure as to what where this is going

LegacyUser

So ill try summaries this as quick as possible.

Recently met a girl. Wed been eyeing each other up (I was and so was she according to her) a few times in a bar over the course of a few weeks but finally just got together on a drunken night randomly. Hit it off pretty well, she said I was exactly her type, I felt the same. We got on really well. Met up many other times over the course of 2/3 weeks. I wouldn't consider them "hookup" meetups as we didn't have sex every time and hung out some days just doing random stuff together (were both early twenties).

I recently went to her birthday party, met most of her friends, and her family also, so thought maybe this might be going somewhere more serious, which i'm not opposed to as do like her a lot. According to her, they all said i was really nice, and she let it slip one night while drunk that her friends think im good looking and told her well done etc. So its not like im punching above my weight; if anything she is going by some of my, and her friends (while drunk) said I could do better than her. I disagreed and hated hearing that.

A few points though that are important and where it gets odd to me:

Shes recently out of a relationship with a guy since she was a teenager so a few years. But only because hes gone abroad for a few months before returning, but according to her its over. I keep doubting it though as she mentions him a lot, and some of her (rude) friends have brought him up around me saying where is he and who's this guy (not joking either).

Some Days shes very cold; like id try conversate on facebook and it feels very forced and like getting blood out of a stone so I just leave it often. Often she'll also make up excuses like "battery is going, got to go, talk to you later", but she'll be online for ages afterwards and snapchatting (putting up stories). I pretty much always have to start a conversation during the day also it seems just thinking back. But when we meet in person its like none of this happens and we get on great. She also near always has an excuse not to meetup during the day, like shes doing something or whatever.

She never really wants to meet up during the day or when shes with her friends. This leads to another thing; her male friends do not seem to like me. They often dont acknowledge me, or even say hello when im beside her and she acts like its fine. If my mates did that to her, id tell them where to go quickly. The opposite for her female friends. She ALWAYS puts her friends before me (even though I know its early, but still its a point).

I bumped into her today and she was with a friend and while we chatted, it was kind of formal, and she barely said goodbye when he wanted to go. And just walked past me in the shop then while we were both there, it was like I was an acquaintance.

We live close by so if this ends awkwardly, well see each other im sure around unfortunately.

So im not sure whats going on really basically. I do really like her, find her attractive, and get on with her. I thought it was going somewhere but seems like I was wrong. Like it was less than a week ago that I met her family and hanged out together and slept together that night, and everything seemed fine, but now it seems to have changed.

I last had a relationship a year ago, and I feel that im developing feelings the same way, and while I rarely fall in love (twice before), when I do, I fall hard. What should I do about this, as i'm in my final year of college, and while I really shouldn't be stressing over trivial stuff like this especially this year, im finding it hard to not right now. Like I get my share of women, but since ive met her, I could have a good looking girl on my lap wanting to make out with me, and id be itching to reply to her if she text me. So that shows I suppose that ive fallen hard again.

Im just unsure as to if im being led on, im a rebound that shes gotten tired of, maybe has been in contact with her ex or something else. But I just dont know what to do. I've been advised by a friend to, for my own sanity, to meet with her if you can next time, and chat with her seriously and ask basically what's going on and if shes not impressed, to just try my best to cut ties with her as ill just go in a downward spiral maybe.

Or maybe im overthinking this, and its not as serious as I think? That its just a fling?

Any advice welcome, thank you.

The Princess Bride

Considering it's the early stages of a relatively new relationship, if it was me, I'd hate to be questioning so much. Shouldn't everything be great and exciting and rosy in the garden?
Do you really want to be heading into drama and mind games with your finals around the corner?

She sounds like she's not quite sure what she wants from this relationship, in my opinion.Does she even see it as a relationship?

Skoop

If I had to guess, I'd say she's playing the pup. If you read this forum a bit it won't be long before you'll see some of the female posters advising other women that "men love the chase". So they shouldn't be the one to initiate messaging, and they should 'make themselves unavailable', and that kind of puppishness. The idea being men will like the challenge and be crazy about you for it, 'cause: 1. Collect underpants. 2.?????. 3. Profit. There was a book called 'The Rules' written years ago that has all this nonsense in it, and they've recently released a new version attaching the word 'internet' to it to appeal to the kids. It basically amounts to nothing more than telling insecure people what they want to hear to make a few quid off them, awful nonsense. So maybe she's received this same terrible terrible advice somewhere. Of course the reality is the vast majority of men will like yourself just find it irritating, and take it as disinterest, or see it as playing silly childish games, and it will be a huge huge turn off regardless of how much they like the girl. Generally I just walk away at the hint of it. Very off putting carry on.

But you do seem to really like her. So might be worth snapping her out if it. Meet up and have a chat and just say "look Mary, kinda getting the feeling you're not that interested here, so we just leave things? Don't want to be wasting my time." If she's a keeper it'll be enough to shake some sense into her and she'll stop the nonsense and start acting her age.

(Could also just be that she's actually not that interested or whatever, or not over her ex, or whatever, but if so putting it to her straight like above should hopefully mean she either says "Yeah let's just leave things so" and then you move on. Or if she says she is interested and the silly crap doesn't stop, just walk on, she's a lost cause.)

Conor Bourke

Skoop wrote: »

If I had to guess, I'd say she's playing the pup. If you read this forum a bit it won't be long before you'll see some of the female posters advising other women that "men love the chase". So they shouldn't be the one to initiate messaging, and they should 'make themselves unavailable', and that kind of puppishness. The idea being men will like the challenge and be crazy about you for it, 'cause: 1. Collect underpants. 2.?????. 3. Profit. There was a book called 'The Rules' written years ago that has all this nonsense in it, and they've recently released a new version attaching the word 'internet' to it to appeal to the kids. It basically amounts to nothing more than telling insecure people what they want to hear to make a few quid off them, awful nonsense. So maybe she's received this same terrible terrible advice somewhere. Of course the reality is the vast majority of men will like yourself just find it irritating, and take it as disinterest, or see it as playing silly childish games, and it will be a huge huge turn off regardless of how much they like the girl. Generally I just walk away at the hint of it. Very off putting carry on.

But you do seem to really like her. So might be worth snapping her out if it. Meet up and have a chat and just say "look Mary, kinda getting the feeling you're not that interested here, so we just leave things? Don't want to be wasting my time." If she's a keeper it'll be enough to shake some sense into her and she'll stop the nonsense and start acting her age.

(Could also just be that she's actually not that interested or whatever, or not over her ex, or whatever, but if so putting it to her straight like above should hopefully mean she either says "Yeah let's just leave things so" and then you move on. Or if she says she is interested and the silly crap doesn't stop, just walk on, she's a lost cause.)

I've rarely (if ever) seen that kind of advice posted here

Skoop

Loop Zoop wrote: »

I've rarely (if ever) seen that kind of advice posted here

Ah I could link to a load of the posts but'd be off topic. It's a minority opinion, and it's thankfully slowly but surely dying a death, but it's recurring and an attitude that's out there. That wasn't the salient point of the post.

milli milli

Speaking from a female's point of view, this girl doesn't seem to be as interested in you, as you in her. Sorry OP. It's probably not personal, it could be the ex or whatever reason.
She isn't treating you very well and to be honest you DO deserve better than her. Forget her and go and find someone who will reciprocate your feelings.

PressRun

Sounds like she doesn't really see it as a relationship, tbh. Seems like she wants to keep you relatively separate from other parts of her life (friends, etc.), and doesn't intend to properly integrate you into her life as a boyfriend. That's her right of course, and she's not really obliged to put a guy she recently met above her friendships, but if you're looking for more than that, then your best bet is to move on and forget about her.

LegacyUser

OP here.
So thanks for the advice guys, it seems pretty unanimous in your response that shes probably not as interested in me as I am in her, at least in a relationship way. Most of my close friends did the same.

Sorry for the long reply here, Just getting this off my chest and its a lot to read I know, but if anyone does and can give some reply or advice id appreciate it.

So I met with her over the weekend, for the guts of a day we were together alone doing stuff (I stayed in hers overnight). I messaged her about doing anything and she asked me to come over to hers for a drink during the day while her housemates were there. They are pretty courteous to me and that for a change of her normally friends. I didnt want to call her out on anything or get too serious straight away, just enjoy the day with her as I like her a lot as I said and it could be the last time I would see her.

We get along well together, same humour and have good banter, and I wouldn't say its more like friends, as we flirt a lot and do random spurts of kissing etc and fooling about. I'd be lying if I didnt try and weed out some answers about what were doing without being obvious and I started to get hints of her not wanting this to be serious.

You would be mistaken (as many have apparently) as to if were in a sort of start of a relationship. Like she tells me her friends saw me out one day and I was very friendly with a girl that night in a nightclub, and if it pissed her off and if im messing her about. she says she doesn't care but this is like the third time shes said stuff like this (about seeing me on tinder and walking home with other girls), so I assumed she wanted to get more exclusive you know, as why else tell me this if you really dont care.

One thing she did halfway through the day which sort of cemented is she showed me a (model) friends pictures who she stayed over with one night and is going to meet with again this week. She said hes just a friend etc but they're kind of flirty on facebook (she shows me messages without hiding them). That also reminded how she was a bit more distant to me at first when we met this weekend, as we used to hold hands etc often in public, show affection, which she never really pulled away from, but she wasn't as open this time. So then I just kind of asked her in a roundabout way as to what were doing here as I have no idea what I was to her and if she wanted to meet tomorrow. And she said she wasnt sure and that it's getting a bit too like a relationship and I said is that what you want or your wanting to avoid that. And she kind of hesitantly said that she doesn't want that right now.

So it hurt a bit but I knew it was coming. Then we chatted a bit about it, and I just kind of said that maybe ill cool off you then if your not that interested and maybe end this if its going to get awkward (as for me, if I really like a girl and she's not that interested, i'll just get too tangled up in feelings for her and start getting frustrated over it and get very hurt if I see her out with another guy (well definitely see each other around) even if its only early days). But she was adamant she doesn't want me to back off and that she'll definitely see me during the week etc. I said yeah sure we'll see what happens then she got a bit serious asking about if im pissed off at her and that.

We just kind of left it at that and said goodbye, and haven't chatted or anything since. I might message her during the week about maybe meeting up once more before I leave home for christmas (her ex returns during that time and im sure they'll get back together, or at least she wont meet up then with me I dont think as they seem to be still on friendly terms going by her and she doesn't want me to integrate with her friends it seems like a poster her said) and that it probably will be the last time we will see each other in a one on one situation.

Maybe its lust (like a friend said) that I want to see her one last time, or maybe a long shot that she'll change her mind, but id like to see her this week if possible. But yeah, it seems like the relationship part is a non runner which is a killer to me. I honestly dont know what it is, maybe she doesn't know what she wants, is afraid of getting into a relationship with her ex coming back soon, but she told me before I left that shes been in kind of constant relationships for years and maybe she wants some time to be single and have some flings? If so, thats fair enough as I didnt know that, even though it hurts to hear it.

Its odd then why her family talks to her about me she said, and that her sister approves of me. This is what she said. She opened up to me about some personal things also, but I dont know if shes like that with everyone. Im probably just reading too much into it also.

If so though, I really dont want to hang around that and will try my best to cut ties in an emotional aspect and stop seeing her around if I can (good in a way we dont have any good mutual friends then really). Is there any advice you could give to do that? We have each other on facebook, and will surely see each around the nightclubs in this small town. I dont want to cut ties but I think ill have to really so as to help myself, even if there may be a chance things might chane in the future.

It feels like ive just wasted a lot of time and effort, and missed opportunities now over her, but hindsight is a great thing I know. Its going to be hard though when I see her about to not forget it all if shes friendly to me as that usually happens to me, I just know it. But im gonna try my best not to, and even my close friends said they'd back me (like tell me if shes in the club etc so I can try avoid her).

PressRun

You want something more serious and she doesn't. You want a relationship by the sounds of things and she just wants a friends with benefits situation (or maybe someone to fill the gap til the ex boyfriend arrives back on the scene). If you don't want to get hurt by all of this then stop meeting up with her and move on. She said she didn't want a relationship. Clearly you do, so you're both on different pages as to what you want out of this. I wouldn't be meeting up with her next week unless you're happy to be in a non-relationship with her, which it doesn't sound like you are. The arrangement she wants is only workable if both people are on the same page.

laserlad2010

OP, this girl is taking you for a ride.

Why are you wasting your time?

The times when she blows cold - formal meetings, short FB conversations - look, she wants it to be absolutely clear to you, or more importantly someone who could be with her at that moment, that there is no relationship.

You call her friends "rude" - perhaps they genuinely believe that she is still with the other guy.

"I don't want a relationship but I want to see you" - what utter nonsense. She's playing you along, feeding off your attention and flirting with other guys and just trying to make you jealous.

Cut all contact, ignore her and move on. She's taking you for a fool. Any further hurt you experience now is entirely your own fault, because you have an opportunity to cut ties.

I'm not apologising for the harsh tone, because you're still making excuses for her despite other posters pointing out the concerning parts of your story.