Abortion- really difficult decision to make.

Spread the love

I'm really upset at the minute, I found out last night that I'm 3 weeks pregnant and I'm devastated (I know I shouldn't feel like that) but I already had a child on my own when I was younger. I'm 30 soon and I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. I love him to bits but I can't face bringing another child into this world being unmarried, not in a long term, solid relationship, nice house to live in, not being 100% financially secure etc. My immediate gut feeling was to have the pregnancy terminated but my boyfriend doesn't want this. I rang about an appointment this morning and I can go in 2 weeks time. I'm all over the place at minute. Some moments, I think keep the baby but then I think about what other people will say, that I already had a child unmarried, I barely know this guy blah blah. I'm just so upset and all over the place at the minute. My boyfriend is supportive but he is very upset about this too. I really don't know what to do

Ann84

Try to get some counselling as soon as possible, you need to talk this out with someone unbiased...
Whatever you do, you need to make the decision as it will be you looking after the child etc, although it will be a bit easier if he wants it too even if it doesn't work out (provided he sticks around for the child)

It is up to you though and the best advice I can offer is seek a counsellor to talk this out with.

Sound Bite

Difficult situation but think about yourself first and what you want.

What other people say is irrelevant, it's none of their business and I don't think you should include it in your decision making.

Discuss your fears with you partner but also with an independent counsellor.

Good luck whatever you decide.

pookie82

Are you three weeks pregnant (as you typed?) or three months? Just double checking as it's rare enough to get a positive test only 3 weeks in unless you're planning and checking for it, etc.

If it IS three weeks, then take a deep breath, calm down, and don't rush. You have a LOT of time to make a decision here, whether that decision is abortion or not. You've already rang about an appointment while still in the first stages of shock here.

Your boyfriend, while also upset, wants to keep it. This must signal that his gut is telling him he is ready to be a father and commit and all that that entails, even if it's a surprise. Don't be so quick to dismiss that.

Do you have doubts that your relationship with him could go the distance? Do you see him even as a potential life partner?

If so, you need to sit down together (probably over the course of a couple of weeks) and really hash out the pros and cons of having this baby. Hear him out and let him feel like he's contributing to the decision.

I know you say you don't want another baby "out of wedlock" basically, but society has changed an awful lot in the last couple of decades. It's not that big a deal anymore. Maybe it's not what you wanted for yourself, but here it is, and I guess you have to decide if you'll really regret not giving this pregnancy (and perhaps your boyfriend) a chance. What other people say of course bothers us more than we like to admit, but are you willing to put their opinions over your own future and happiness? Their "gossip" will last a few weeks, this abortion will last a lifetime.

It's a terrible decision to be faced with and I wish you luck. I would say first and foremost, take your time a little here. Don't react in panic.

Just to add as well in relation to the concerns you've listed: your relationship may not be "long term" by definition, but it could be more solid than most. Only you know that and this situation may well serve to prove that. A nice house to live in is all well and good but until your mortgage is paid off, no one's house is truly "theirs", job losses or illness could see it taken back at any moment. I highly doubt that the vast majority of people would see themselves as 100% financially secure when they have kids, in fact, I doubt few would EVER describe themselves that way!

eviltwin

I've been where you are and the best advice I can give is not to make any quick decisions. You've a lot to take in at the moment and if you are only 3 weeks then you have a bit of time. I think you should go for some pregnancy counselling both on your own and with your partner to talk through your feelings, it will help clear your head a little and give you a safe space to talk about things. As has been mentioned its not that big a deal to be an unmarried parent anymore, no one really cares, its not a sign of failure to have a baby before you're married and very few people will judge or even notice. The things you wish for are normal but people rarely have children in ideal circumstances, that doesn't mean having those children is wrong. If we all waited until everything was perfect very few of us would ever have kids. Whatever you decide to do will be with you for the rest of your life so don't rush into anything, you need to be completely sure that you are making the right choice. Good luck xx

Rubberchikken

before you make any decisions, you need to speak to someone who can help you see what options are available and whether they are what you want.
if you decide to have this child, will it's dad remain in the picture? even if the relationship didn't survive, will he stay around for his child's sake?
what others think about you having a child alread is immaterial. if you are capable of loving and raising a child, how many you have or who you have them with is only your business and no one elses.

please get counselling. then make a decision.
whatever you decide, just wishing you all the best.

Emme

OP get some counselling on your unplanned pregnancy. If your boyfriend is supportive why not consider keeping the child. If you don't have this child you may find it more difficult to get pregnant if you wait too long into your 30s. Good luck.

whiskeyman

Spread the love wrote: »

I can't face bringing another child into this world being unmarried,

Unless you personally are strong in that thinking, no one really is any more.
I wouldn't rule this as a point. So many children are born happily out of wedlock in all social classes.

Spread the love wrote: »

not in a long term, solid relationship

Sure, it's not 'ideal', but you're 6months into what sounds a loving and supportive relationship, and I hope he gets on well with your child?

Spread the love wrote: »

nice house to live in

We all would love that, but it's only an 'ideal'.
If we all waited to have the 'nice house', there'd be very few kids about!

Spread the love wrote: »

not being 100% financially secure (

When can we honestly say we're ever 100% financially secure?
You've probably managed, (perhaps tough?) with 1 child, but this will have given you wonderful life experience.

As others have said, please think this one through. It may not be as bad a you think.
Best of luck

seamus

Attend a crisis pregnancy counselling service and they can talk you through your options as well as providing counselling to help you figure out what you want to do, which is really the key.

With that in mind, avoid agencies with an agenda, because they will try to get you to do what they want, rather than what you want to do. Cura are one of these agencies, avoid them.

There's good info here; http://www.positiveoptions.ie/dont-be-manipulated/

You've been told there's no appointment for 2 weeks. I suspect you've contacted one of the dodgier agencies.

Emme

whiskeyman wrote: »

Unless you personally are strong in that thinking, no one really is any more.
I wouldn't rule this as a point. So many children are born happily out of wedlock in all social classes.

This is true. Marriage is only a piece of paper and the OP has a child already. Would this child welcome a brother or sister? I bet they would.

whiskeyman wrote: »

Sure, it's not 'ideal', but you're 6 months into what sounds a loving and supportive relationship, and I hope he gets on well with your child?

If he's happy to have another child he probably does. The OP is very lucky, many women in their mid-30s opt to have children alone because they cannot find a suitable partner or a man who is happy to be a father.

whiskeyman wrote: »

We all would love that, but it's only an 'ideal'.
If we all waited to have the 'nice house', there'd be very few kids about!

This is especially true in Ireland. In other countries having a "nice house" isn't such a big deal. They marry younger and have children younger and this isn't such a bad thing. In Ireland we're too focused on having material things before having children.

whiskeyman wrote: »

When can we honestly say we're ever 100% financially secure? You've probably managed, (perhaps tough?) with 1 child, but this will have given you wonderful life experience.

As others have said, please think this one through. It may not be as bad a you think.
Best of luck

Again in Ireland who is 100% financial secure right now? A very small percentage. It is not for us to tell the OP what to do but I think she is in a better position to have this child than she thinks.

meeeeh

Open, go to the counselling, think things through and then decide what to do. Whatever you decide won't make you bad or irresponsible person. Don't let yourself be pressurized by what ifs. Majority irish mothers have children in their 30ies so having an abortion now doesn't mean you won't have more kids latter. At the same time, I am sure, you will be able to make it work with a child too. But be sure the decision is yours or the one you are comfortable with, you are not in a relationship long enough to trust your bf will stick around.

PressRun

If you're not happy with the circumstances or don't feel like you're ready to have another child in a less than stable situation, then you're completely within your rights to terminate that pregnancy. You sound like you've been there and done this before and if you don't feel like taking on a situation of this kind again, then that's your right. Obviously there's never really a 'right time' to have children, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to have things as 'right' as possible before having (more) children.

I'd contact a crisis pregnancy agency ASAP (but not one of the dodgy ones). You probably need to see a counselor and talk things through before making a decision. There's no real right or wrong choice here, just what is best for you.

frostyjacks

Don't panic, plenty of women have been in your position before. Cura.ie or life.ie offer plenty of caring, compassionate support. Having a baby shouldn't feel like a burden, it's sad that society has turned pregnancy into this lifestyle decision. Talk it over with the father and do what's in the best interests for all four of you.

Tigger99

frostyjacks wrote: »

Having a baby shouldn't feel like a burden, it's sad that society has turned pregnancy into this lifestyle decision.

It's sad that such a hard decision that profoundly affects her body and her future is described as a lifestyle choice.

Best of luck op with whatever decision you make. Please do make an appointment as soon as you can with positiveoptions xx

PressRun

Having children profoundly affects a person's life and results in major lifestyle changes. Why shouldn't that be considered? I'm glad society has moved on from this idea that as soon as she becomes pregnant, a woman should be prepared to drop everything. Furthermore, if having a baby is a burden for someone, then they clearly aren't ready to have that child. And that's fine.

Also, OP, do not contact cura.ie or life.ie. They have an agenda. Your best bet is to get in touch with Positive Options and use services listed on their website.

vicecreamsundae

Hey OP,

Just wanted to add my 2c as I see a couple of posters above had said things along the lines of "do what's best for all four of you" and "sounds like your boyfriend feels ready to be a father".

I'd have to disagree, I think you need to do what's best for you.
You said yourself that although you love your boyfriend it's only 6 months in and not what you'd call a rock solid relationship. I think that at this stage in your life, this is a decision you should make based on what you and you alone want.

Raising kids is hard, and you've had one before so you know what it entails far more than I do -but according my limited knowledge, it's something you have to want. Sure, lots of people don't feel "ready" the first time, and lots of people don't feel they can afford it -and if you wait until you feel ready and until you can afford it, you might never have them etc. They difference is whether you WANT them. And from your post, it sounds pretty clear that this is NOT something you want right now (you did say devastated, though you also say you sometimes go between keeping and not keeping it).

I just want to say, don't feel guilty for not wanting another. Don't feel selfish. If you're in a position to be able to get an abortion (sounds like you are) then you're very lucky and you don't need to feel "stuck" in this situation. I think the only good reason for having a baby is because you WANT one, not because you just so happened to get pregnant accidentally. Sometimes you can accidentally get pregnant and then realise you really want it -and that's awesome! But.. I guess I really just wanted to emphasise that you shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting it.

Also, as someone said above, make sure you're contacting a legit organisation, it does sound a little dodgy that you've to wait two weeks for an appointment, usually the earlier the better and easier. You should be able to avail of a medical abortion (just a pill, non-invasive) up to 9 weeks.

Best of luck in making your decision!

jackboy

Keep the baby. It sounds like you had a tough time with the first one but I assume you are happy now you kept it. Far, far more people in your position regret an abortion compared to keeping the baby, in the long run.

meeeeh

jackboy wrote: »

Keep the baby. It sounds like you had a tough time with the first one but I assume you are happy now you kept it. Far, far more people in your position regret an abortion compared to keeping the baby, in the long run.

Very few people regret the baby because usually we do feel great love for our own children but having kids at the wrong time can hugely affect quality of life. Also I think there is a pressure on women to regret the abortion, as if the opposite makes them bad person. Nothing could be further from the truth and I know women who made responsible decision to have an abortion. While I am sure it is not easy for anyone there are plenty of women who are relieved after the abortion (it's just that judgemental society is making it very hard for them to admit that).

I am not advocating for abortion but I don't think statements about regret are helpful. Op is not other women and I don't think this type of decisions should be made on the basis of what some non descript women wanted or regretted. It's about what op wants to do.

PressRun

Plenty of people don't regret their abortions, and there seems to be an expectation that one should regret their abortion. Having an abortion doesn't make anyone a bad person or selfish, and it definitely doesn't mean you're going to be tortured over it for the rest of your life. There are lots of women who have abortions because it's the best decision for them, and they feel comfortable with that. There's way too much talk of 'regret' and 'feeling awful' for having an abortion. Sometimes women do regret it or agonize over their decision, but plenty don't, and that doesn't make them bad people.

That's not to say that this is the case with you OP. It's for you to make this decision yourself, and it's best to be informed before you do, so you are going down your path feeling secure in your choice. If you choose to have an abortion, there's absolutely nothing to say that you'll regret it. Likewise, if you choose to have the baby, there's nothing to say it won't turn out great. The key is in making a well-rounded, informed decision where you know what all the pros and cons are, and feel comfortable with your final decision. This is best figured out alongside a counselor, imo.

Emme

jackboy wrote: »

Keep the baby. It sounds like you had a tough time with the first one but I assume you are happy now you kept it. Far, far more people in your position regret an abortion compared to keeping the baby, in the long run.

Is it me or are the men here advocating keeping the baby more than the women? It's up to the OP but the risks with pregnancy rise exponentially as a woman goes into her 30s and everything gets a lot more risky after 35. Taking this into account against the cost/inconvenience factor the chances of having a healthy child with the support of a loving partner outweighs the problems the OP feels she will have.

I am pro-choice but I think abortion is a very serious decision and should only be opted for as a last resort.

eviltwin

Can we leave morality out of it, this is one woman's very real issue, it's not appropriate for people with an obvious agenda to promote that here.

dudara

Closing this thread as the OP has closed their account.

dudara