Marriage difficulties

Billie76 · 03-12-2015 1:26am #1

Hi folks,
I am really fed up with how things are with myself & my hubby.We are both in our late forties- we don't have any children because we both decided that we didn't want any.The sad part is that we're only married less than eight years & haven't had sex for ages and sleep in separate rooms now for a year or more.Being honest I don't fancy my husband anymore & feel disheartened & deeply unhappy.I work full time while unfortunately my guy lost his job 7 months ago & hasn't been able to find a job since.Financially I'm paying for practically everything & always did! (Even when he was working !!) . I haven't got a Christmas present or a Birthday present for years or being away on a holiday for a couple of years.He doesn't seem to think that there's anything wrong .He's hopeless around the house be it - housework or d.i.y or any chores whatsoever .I have spoken to him before about being more helpful around the house but to no avail .I've got to the stage where I'm getting stressed & my health is suffering.
I'm having serious thoughts about calling it a day- any suggestions?

CaraMay · 03-12-2015 8:11am

It does sound like you are carrying the whole relationship. Has he been like this all along?

You sound very unhappy and life is too short. He's not willing to change so why stay with someone who can't be bothered to pay his way either financially or doing his share in the house.

miamee · 03-12-2015 9:26am

OP what does he do all day if he's not working, not doing housework, not doing DIY? Does he cook meals for you? It sounds like he has a very cushy number here and needs a reality check. You need to think about what it is you want to change in your relationship and realistically what he can change - he's not going to transform overnight, if he's even willing to do anything at all.

Has he changed drastically since you married or are these traits that you were willing to overlook in the honeymoon phase but that are now becoming unbearable to live with?

Persiancowboy · 03-12-2015 2:00pm

As someone in the same age bracket as yourself I'd have yto ask, having read your post, just what exactly is keeping you together?

Outside of the messy divying up of house/possessions etc. there's absolutely nothing else to stay for!! You're still young enough (and possibly financially independent enough) to actually start really living and enjoying yourself....go for it!!

heretochat · 03-12-2015 2:35pm

I have the agree with PersianCowboy. I can't see any reason why you are still with this man.

You don't find him attractive, you don't have sex.

You say he is useless around the house and has no job.

So as others have asked - what exactly does he do and is there anything about him you like?

I know familiarity breeds contempt and all that. My fear for you is that your resentment towards him will grow and one day will erupt which will be no good for your own wellbeing.

I think you need to really consider whether there is any future in this. Only you know whether you can save this marriage.

But you are too young to be closed off from things such as a good sexual life and a good life in general

Emme · 03-12-2015 2:39pm

OP, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

You say you have been paying all the bills even when he was working. Do you own the house as well or is it in both your names?

If you are considering leaving I would advise you to talk to a solicitor because your husband could come out of a separation very well while you might not.

Billie76 · 03-12-2015 4:01pm

CaraMay wrote: »

It does sound like you are carrying the whole relationship. Has he been like this all along?

You sound very unhappy and life is too short. He's not willing to change so why stay with someone who can't be bothered to pay his way either financially or doing his share in the house.

Hi CaraMay.Thanks a million for your response to my plight.To be honest,he was never fantastic at doing stuff for me or in the house but he's actually got worse.My mood is pretty low a lot of the time & I don't like feeling like this

Billie76 · 03-12-2015 4:13pm

miamee wrote: »

OP what does he do all day if he's not working, not doing housework, not doing DIY? Does he cook meals for you? It sounds like he has a very cushy number here and needs a reality check. You need to think about what it is you want to change in your relationship and realistically what he can change - he's not going to transform overnight, if he's even willing to do anything at all.

Has he changed drastically since you married or are these traits that you were willing to overlook in the honeymoon phase but that are now becoming unbearable to live with?

Hi there.Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post- it's a tricky one alright because for all his faults- he is a nice fella but that's not enough anymore.He's doing a course now so as to hang on to his "dole" 'cos my income is deemed to much for him to continue getting his stamps!!.During the 6 months he was at home but no exaggeration - he didn't do a rap (cooking or cleaning ).He has said before "he'll try harder" but never does.It's like having a child in the house

strandroad · 03-12-2015 4:19pm

Is there a chance he's depressed or is it just the way he is?

Billie76 · 03-12-2015 4:39pm

Emme wrote: »

OP, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

You say you have been paying all the bills even when he was working. Do you own the house as well or is it in both your names?

If you are considering leaving I would advise you to talk to a solicitor because your husband could come out of a separation very well while you might not.

The house we're living in is mine- he moved in with me when we got married.The house is in MY name only & I've paid for all the improvements etc. .He has a mortgage out on his home place (25 miles away) when he bought his only sibling out a few years ago.He can't do anything with the house because his mother is still living there.I would be nervous if we separated that I would lose my lovely house.

woodchuck · 03-12-2015 5:05pm

Billie76 wrote: »

The house we're living in is mine- he moved in with me when we got married.The house is in MY name only & I've paid for all the improvements etc. .He has a mortgage out on his home place (25 miles away) when he bought his only sibling out a few years ago.He can't do anything with the house because his mother is still living there.I would be nervous if we separated that I would lose my lovely house.

You should talk to a solicitor for legal advice about the part in bold.

I also think you need to have a serious conversation with your partner and maybe consider couples counselling. If things do end, I think it's better know that you've exhausted all avenues.

Emme · 03-12-2015 6:09pm

Billie76 wrote: »

The house we're living in is mine- he moved in with me when we got married.The house is in MY name only & I've paid for all the improvements etc. .He has a mortgage out on his home place (25 miles away) when he bought his only sibling out a few years ago.He can't do anything with the house because his mother is still living there.I would be nervous if we separated that I would lose my lovely house.

I'm afraid none of what's highlighted really matters as you are married and he has rights. If you had been cohabiting 5 years he would have the same rights as he has now you are married. Are you paying the mortgage on your own? You need to talk to a solicitor asap. If you split up he could be entitled to half of your house. He is probably fully aware of his rights and is happy with the way things are. You are looking after him in every way and not in a position to ask him to leave on account of the law.

Who is caring for his mother or is she able to look after herself? If anything happened her you might be expected to pitch in and help him look after her as well as everything else you are doing.

CaraMay · 03-12-2015 6:17pm

Equally you have rights to his house....

Emme · 03-12-2015 6:23pm

CaraMay wrote: »

Equally you have rights to his house....

True but his mother is living there and she may have certain rights by law. She may only have her children buy the house on the condition that she is allowed to live there which is perfectly reasonable.

If the OP is mortgage free (unlikely, who of us is theses days) it would be very hard on her having worked to pay for the house and for him to walk away with half of what she has slogged her guts out for.

The lazy git isn't even doing a tap of housework. He knows he's having his cake and eating it. I bet he isn't even making much of an effort to find work.

Stheno · 03-12-2015 9:20pm

Emme wrote: »

True but his mother is living there and she may have certain rights by law. She may only have her children buy the house on the condition that she is allowed to live there which is perfectly reasonable.

If the OP is mortgage free (unlikely, who of us is theses days) it would be very hard on her having worked to pay for the house and for him to walk away with half of what she has slogged her guts out for.

The lazy git isn't even doing a tap of housework. He knows he's having his cake and eating it. I bet he isn't even making much of an effort to find work.

Even worse, he might also be entitled to maintenance :eek:

Emme · 03-12-2015 10:39pm

Stheno wrote: »

Even worse, he might also be entitled to maintenance :eek:

This is why the OP should see a good solicitor. She has carried this man for long enough.

screamer · 03-12-2015 11:19pm

OP I don't know what to say about it all. I can't imagine separate rooms that early in life/ marriage, it's just odd. To be fair to your husband, if you accepted that you paid for everything even when he was working, then this is just normal to him. If he was OK with that when he had money, I'd say he's even more comfortable about it now that he has no money. If there's no love left, nothing but resentment, you'd be better off out of the relationship, but I do agree also, having seen the impact of losing a job first hand, he might be depressed and might not be sharing that with you. For a lot of people having a job is a very big definition of who they are, so don't underestimate the impact it could be having on him. A lack of interest in ordinary things, not keeping the place clean etc are all behaviours that go hand in hand with depression.

Marriage difficulties

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