Please help me

LegacyUser · 02-12-2015 1:39pm #1

I've just had the worst 12 hours I can remember....

Was seeing a guy for 4 years - he wouldn't commit, wanted to travel, we were great pals and yes - we were sleeping together. As our friendship blossomed and I could see (in my beliefs) that he really cared about me, I was getting stuck in the situation. I wanted a relationship and he didn't. I demanded a no-sex ban - half thinking he wouldn't stick around but he did, he always tried his luck but accepted that he was shot down.

During the last 2 years I began dating other people but it was pointless as I only wanted him. He wouldn't be my facebook friend as I had questioned some activity on his page previously, I accepted this.

One night, just over a month ago- he really pushed the issue, I was adamant not to but eventually I gave in, half way through I was in tears. Immediately after he reaffirmed his stance on relationships. The next day I told him to leave me alone. He did.

I was getting on with things and in a good mental state. Any temptations I had to text him were easily ignored as I couldn't face getting back in to that situation.

I went on Tinder and got chatting to a guy, we planned a date and the night before our date he added me on Facebook, whilst scrolling through his photos I saw this guy in some of his pics. I straight away told him I couldn't date any of his friends (who he always stopped me from meeting btw) as I thought it might be hurtful towards him. He said they haven't chatted in years and they are not really friends.

So, about 20 mins in to the date he tells me my exe was in a relationship with someone the entire time he was seeing me. I instantly didn't believe it and although, I don't think it was the entire time, certainly the last year there seems to have been some tooing and frowing. I contacted my exe to say I was aware and I was just really hurt - I mean this guy had sworn to me that I was the one and he would never be interested in anyone else - he just wouldn't be able to commit to me.......He never took me on social nights out, or intro'd me to his friends, never wanted to anything other than hang out in my apartment and I never questioned it, I swallowed it all without an ounce of suspicion.

He went mental and was texting and phoning the guy I was out with saying it as all lies - the 4 year thing (no interest in guy i was on the date with btw - especially after all that) He phoned me and gave me the timeline of the relationship - I.E. Every time I had asked him to leave me alone they were together. I don't buy that.... So basically, he met her last summer and then he couldn't commit so it ended at Christmas, then he got back in touch with her a month ago. Anyway - here's the part that's breaking me. All of his friends (including this guy who he claims he doesn't even know that well) seem to know this girl- he took her to weddings and parties and is her boyfriend. All along I thought he was crazy about me but broken but in reality I was number 2 - his dirty little secret.

It sounds like this girl demanded a relationship - I have never done that because I wanted him to be free and I didn't want to be someone who held him back - so I let him hold me back instead. Now I feel like if I had been that strong things might have been different - although - he'd still be a lying dirtbag

They are going to Australia for Christmas together (but on separate flights to see different people - allegedly) he said he's going to feck off to America for a week when they are there but hasn't told her yet. He also plans to emigrate for a year and he said she doesn't know that either. He also said she's not very pretty and his chemistry and relationship with me was way better.

I've told him I want no more to do with him but I can't come to terms with the fact that I will never know the truth. My confidence is on the floor that I was never right for a relationship and this girl was paraded around to all his mates. I was always told "I don't want to introduce you to my friends because it will make it so hard to say goodbye when I go"

I get that this was all lies - I just don't understand why he bothered with me.

I'm glad I know this but I can't help feeling vexed as up to yesterday I was doing great not contacting him or hearing from him. I actually thought he was really a good guy letting me move on and not trying to get back in (as he's always done in the past).

Can anyone help me out, I just feel broken, but I also don't have the right to feel broken as he was never my boyfriend to begin with

He wants to meet up on Saturday for coffee and part of me (a big part) wants to but I told him I'm not meeting him if he has a girlfriend.

Shrap · 02-12-2015 2:21pm

Ah jaysus, you poor poor thing.

You know (or you can guess) what everyone will recommend - that you DELETE this scumbag from your life immediately and never speak to him again. I think you're in serious danger of making things worse for yourself by meeting him - you already have looked for answers from him, where the only answer is that he's an outrageous player who doesn't give a **** about you, and who tells you outrageous lies to a) string you along for his own kicks and b) maybe get the chance at another lay.

Pet, your self-esteem is on the floor, unsurprisingly. My advice is to claw back some tiny teeny bit of power over the situation by refusing to acknowledge he exists. Ever again. Cut the power from his power trip (which is all this "relationship" was, I'm afraid). It'll take you a long time to recover from this I'm sure, but in years to come you'll be able to take some comfort that you stopped it here and now.

ColeTrain · 02-12-2015 2:28pm

I feel sorry for you, that's a terrible mess for you to have been involved in. The question is, why are you still contacting him?

Why give him a chance to explain, or tell you what he is or isn't going to do with his girlfriend? You can't believe a word that comes out of his trap so why entertain him? As long as you stay in contact, the more it's going to hurt, he probably can't believe his luck that he can still text/call you. Get rid of him and do it now!!

You will never get any answers as to why he treated you that way but it seems you were an ego boost for him, he knew he could have you anytime he wanted and it probably made him feel good to be able to string you along...the hallmark of a tosser. The bottom line is he wanted to keep you on 'the side', that should tell you what he thinks of you.

Your attitude from now on should be "**** you". For your own sake, block him and look to build your self-esteem back to where it should be. With the New Year coming, lay down some strong resolutions, #1 should be working at putting this all behind you.

FWIW, from your post, you come across as being far too good for that bull****.

LegacyUser · 02-12-2015 3:37pm

Thanks guys.

It's funny, this morning I was waiting for him to text to hear some form of explanation, knowing in my gut it would be all fabricated nonsense.

My last text to him said "I don't wish you well, I feel nothing at all". He responded saying he had hoped we could be friends again once the dust had settled.... I replied with a bit of an attack, in a mature way, kinda just saying I would never be his friend and he is quite a nasty person. I feel a bit bad saying that but in this scenario he was nasty.

Anyway, after sitting looking at my phone for 2 hours and checking his time stamp on what's app I've just deleted his number, blocked him from my phone, what's app, viber and Facebook. I'm surprised at how liberating that was.

It will take me a while but I'll be OK. it's just a bit ****ty, don't feel to good about myself to be honest but I guess that's normal.

Magicmatilda · 02-12-2015 3:46pm

This is not about you, nor is it a reflection on you.

This is about him and his inability to be in a relationship.

All you need to know is that he is a D**k who treated you far below how you deserve to be treated.

You might want to look at your self esteem as regards why you put up with this treatment.

Stop all contact and focus on you and how to make yourself happy. Spend time with friends and family. Find new hobbies, explore yourself.

njs030 · 02-12-2015 3:57pm

Op I feel very sorry for you, however he is not your ex. You didn't have a relationship, you didn't meet his friends or family or anything else- you only slept together once.
As hard as that might be to accept you really need to and once you've done that it might be easier to see the reality, he's not a nice person. That's the long and short of it. All his actions point to stringing you along for his own amusement. Even his attitude to his girlfriend stinks (and yes op she is his girlfriend whatever he says) the fact he can talk about her so dismissively is disgusting!!
Don't blame the poor man who told you the truth, you should be thankful for him!!

Delete and ignore him and learn a lesson- if someone is keeping you hidden away there's a good reason. If a man really likes you he will work his ass off to have a relationship with you.

heretochat · 02-12-2015 3:58pm

This is very similar to another thread on here today and I would say the same to you OP as I did on the other thread.

Please find some self respect and have no more to do with this creep. He appears to be a liar, a cheat and a user.

I would not believe a word he says and just look at how he is going on about treating his "girlfriend" - heading off to America without telling her etc.

I can only say that you are far better than the way this cretin has treated you. Please don't meet him at anytime and go back to being his doormat.

I would cut all contact with him and leave him to his plans and deceptions.

fits · 02-12-2015 4:01pm

Take the power back and refuse to meet him, refuse all contact. Never talk, email, text, facebook or anything this man again.

miamee · 02-12-2015 4:07pm

Oh you poor thing, my heart really goes out to you. This guy has been playing you all along I'm afraid and his 'friend' sounds like trouble too.

"he said he's going to feck off to America for a week when they are there but hasn't told her yet. He also plans to emigrate for a year and he said she doesn't know that either."
You really shouldn't feel like this other girl is any better than you - she has a boyfriend who is confiding these things to someone else (you) behind her back. That doesn't sound like a good relationship, does it? That's assuming they are even true, which you can't even believe now, can you?

"He also said she's not very pretty and his chemistry and relationship with me was way better."
What a horrible thing to say about someone you are supposed to be in a relationship with.

The only truth you need to recognise now is that this guy is useless and is no good for you. He has taken advantage of your good nature, used you and treated you extremely badly. You have managed to cut all contact before and you have seen his true colours now so it should be easier second time around to erase him from your life and move on. I wouldn't advise meeting him at all; if you do you will only end up with more questions than answers and it'll be one more thing to have to forget about before you can move on.

LegacyUser · 02-12-2015 4:14pm

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op I feel very sorry for you, however he is not your ex. You didn't have a relationship, you didn't meet his friends or family or anything else- you only slept together once.

Sorry, maybe my post wasn't clear.....in four years we slept together hundreds of times. The sex ban came in about 6 months ago.

He was my boyfriend, briefly, at the start but we had a chat about how difficult he found it and I stupidly wanted to be supportive of where he was at - he was going through a tough time and we naturally became friends with benefits.

But yea, he wasn't my boyfriend

Keane2baMused · 02-12-2015 4:17pm

You are worth so much more than this idiot.

I think he expects you to stick around and knows how you feel about him which is why he treats you like crap.

It sounds like he is an absolute sh1t to women in general and I would honestly feel bad for this other girl he has been seeing also. It sounds like he could not give a hoot about her.

Cut your losses. Meeting him won't give you the answers you're looking for, trust me. You can and will do so much better.

SAMTALK · 02-12-2015 4:27pm

I think this says more about him than about you to be honest OP.
I would like to think that you can see him for what he really is. He is going down the same road with the other girl but some day he will wake up a lonely old man with no partner and no friends.
He sounds like a horrible individual who doesnt deserve you.
Let him off to America or wherever and you concentrate on yourself.
There are nicer fellas than him out there and you deserve to meet someone who will treat you with respect

Merkin · 02-12-2015 4:29pm

What a dirtbag. He's essentially treated you like a doormat for the last four years and you, unfortunately due to being smitten, didn't see him for what he is. Now that it has been made extremely clear, you need to sever ties. You speak of wanting to know the truth. You already DO know the truth. He has basically used you since the met you, all the while cheating on his poor girlfriend. If I were you I'd just pretend he is dead and don't entertain a minute more of his nastiness and lies.

mapaca · 02-12-2015 4:48pm

He sounds horrible and well done for deleting him and stopping contact. He's been stringing you along and lying to you and his girlfriend for all this time, what a sleaze. You can do better than him, plenty of other lovely guys out there who will treat you with love and respect. You're back in control now!

HiGlo · 02-12-2015 5:29pm

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure it's very difficult for you.

I don't for a second believe that this girl he's been in a relationship with for a year - if not much more than that - is going to Australia on a separate flight to him and going to see different people.
It sounds very much to me like she is absolutely his girlfriend.
The tell tale signs ( that are always soooooo obvious when you have the luxury of hindsight) are all there - never introducing you to his friends, just "chilling at home" with you so he doesn't get seen, not allowing you to be his FB friend..... For me, they're alarm calls for a cheater.

I completely agree with the others cut contact with him which you have done, fair play.
This speil he's giving you now about Aus is just him power playing..... He's convincing himself that he can reel you back in. That he can convince you and you'll come back to him.
You'll have tough days, but don't go back there. You can do better.

silverbolt · 02-12-2015 7:25pm

Stuckinalie wrote: »

Thanks guys.

It's funny, this morning I was waiting for him to text to hear some form of explanation, knowing in my gut it would be all fabricated nonsense.

My last text to him said "I don't wish you well, I feel nothing at all". He responded saying he had hoped we could be friends again once the dust had settled.... I replied with a bit of an attack, in a mature way, kinda just saying I would never be his friend and he is quite a nasty person. I feel a bit bad saying that but in this scenario he was nasty.

Anyway, after sitting looking at my phone for 2 hours and checking his time stamp on what's app I've just deleted his number, blocked him from my phone, what's app, viber and Facebook. I'm surprised at how liberating that was.

It will take me a while but I'll be OK. it's just a bit ****ty, don't feel to good about myself to be honest but I guess that's normal.

I dont know what this guys game is but stay well away from him. He sounds messed up. He is acting like a child whose been told he cant have a toy hes not playing with - all of a sudden he wants it.

Keep him blocked and move on with your life. You certainly dont need him.

screamer · 02-12-2015 9:20pm

OP have you ever had a normal committed relationship? Sorry to say and not meaning to be cruel but there is so much in your post that is just red flags.

If someone won't commit
If they ban you from being in contact with their friends
Never take you out just hang out in your place
Pressure you for what they want

Seriously none of this is normal behaviour in a relationship.
The only help I Can offer is to say to you had a lucky escape. You'll never find out the whys and reasons for him doing what he did and you could drive yourself mad thinking about it. So all we can do is learn from the past have nothing to do with him ever again and remember those red flags and promise yourself that you will do everything you can never to be in a similar situation with any guy. Mind yourself.

PressRun · 03-12-2015 1:25am

He sounds like a useless sack of ****.

Delete all trace of him. If he tries to get in touch, ignore him. Don't even entertain anything he has to say, just ignore him. Even messaging him to say how upset you are is giving him a way to get into your head. Blanking him is cutting off any power he has. You're never going to get any reasonable explanation from an habitual liar.

You've taken a hard knock on your confidence, but you'll feel so much more empowered when you've pulled yourself back from all of this and moved on without him.

Please help me

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