Am I overthinking?

manyoung

Im going to keep this short. I got very drunk a few days ago with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I eventually blacked out in the club and we later got thrown out.

Back at the friends house, I was vomiting and his mother had a bucket beside me. I had this though that I should grab her breast and extended my arm, but I do not think I actually got that far. I then began to yell things and take my trousers off to my friends amusement.

Next morning, I apologized to my pals. The mother then came in and made a joke and I said: "Im sorry about last night". She said something like: "Ah sure, we wont talk about it". I said sorry again and left a while later.

I feel really guilty and disgusted at my actions. I acted like an animal. I am still unsure whether I did grope or not, but hate to think it is affecting her. While I did apologize, it was lacking any specific detail. Should I talk to her or just move on? What are your thoughts?

highly1111

Move on.

I'd also recommend controlling your drinking but I'd say you've learnt that lesson.

eviltwin

Move on from this situation but do reign in your drinking. Next time you might not get people who are as forgiving.

chin nuts

Haha that's gas, forget about it pal you'll be laughing about it with them all after a while. Jeez if that's the worst thing I've done while I was drunk I'd be delighted.

Apologies again tell him you couldn't help yourself that his ma has lovely cans on her. ðŸ˜႒

Anyway that'll teach ya for getting mangled but we've all done it.

manyoung

eviltwin wrote: »

Move on from this situation but do reign in your drinking. Next time you might not get people who are as forgiving.

I do intend on changing my drinking habits one way or another, About moving on though: although I did apologize I feel like it was too general or something (I apologized for the night basically, the vomiting, yelling, "incident" which may or may not have happened). Like she didn't seem upset or anything but I can't help but question if she is okay.

manyoung

chin nuts wrote: »

Haha that's gas, forget about it pal you'll be laughing about it with them all after a while. Jeez if that's the worst thing I've done while I was drunk I'd be delighted.

Apologies again tell him you couldn't help yourself that his ma has lovely cans on her. ðŸ˜႒

Anyway that'll teach ya for getting mangled but we've all done it.

Should have probably made it clear that I'm unsure if they were even in the room at the time. Its more her Im worried about

eviltwin

manyoung wrote: »

I do intend on changing my drinking habits one way or another, About moving on though: although I did apologize I feel like it was too general or something (I apologized for the night basically, the vomiting, yelling, "incident" which may or may not have happened). Like she didn't seem upset or anything but I can't help but question if she is okay.

You might just make it worse by asking. She might be mortified and just want to move on herself, she might be hoping you don't remember....and that's if it even happened. Could you tell your friend that you feel terrible about it and ask him if he thinks you need to bring it up again.

manyoung

eviltwin wrote: »

You might just make it worse by asking. She might be mortified and just want to move on herself, she might be hoping you don't remember....and that's if it even happened. Could you tell your friend that you feel terrible about it and ask him if he thinks you need to bring it up again.

Yeah, I was thinking that. I'm not sure my friend was even in the room at the time. He may have stepped out for a second. Put it this way, if I had done it he probably would have punched me or something. Like wasn't obvious to me the morning after that she was upset about it, she spoke to me and I said sorry. Im not really sure tbh.

Ursus Horribilis

Unless your friend's mother has lived a sheltered existence, this won't be the first time she has been near a drunk making an eejit of himself. I doubt she's traumatised at all. Most parents aren't easily fazed by the time they've reared their children to adulthood. You apologised and she doesn't appear to be holding this against you. Next time you visit, act as normally as you can and don't bring it up again. It's in the past.

manyoung

When I said sorry I never made any exact reference to any particular part of the night, it was for my whole behavior. Sorry I just thought I'd clear that up if it was not.

Ursus Horribilis

So? You said sorry and that's the main thing. Why do you think she wants to revisit the whole sorry episode again? My guess is that it's the last thing she wants. Let's face it, the only reason you want to say sorry is because you're thinking of you and you only. Have some consideration and respect her wishes. She said "Ah sure, we wont talk about it". Respect her wishes.

The best way you can go about showing that you're sorry is to curb your drinking. You don't need me to tell you that if you've blacked out from drinking, you'd really pushed the boat out.

December2012

You should apologise to her privately - realistically what could she say in the group? I'm sure she wouldn't want to embarrass or humiliate you by referring to it in front of the other friends.

It's bothering you, so I suggest you apologise to her personally, in private.

Shrap

manyoung wrote: »

Yeah, I was thinking that. I'm not sure my friend was even in the room at the time. He may have stepped out for a second. Put it this way, if I had done it he probably would have punched me or something. Like wasn't obvious to me the morning after that she was upset about it, she spoke to me and I said sorry. Im not really sure tbh.

If she's old enough to be the mother of a young lad who goes clubbing and sound enough to look after his friend with a bucket while he pukes into it without being in the slightest bit phased, then it's most likely that even if you did try to grope her, she has rightly put it down to you being hammered drunk and will have moved on within minutes. "Don't worry about it, we won't say another word on the subject" is the gist of what she said, yes? Take it that she means it and act towards her the way she will most likely act towards you - like nothing happened.

That's my (Mammy of lads) opinion anyway, along with feck sake man, what are you doing drinking enough to black out, be thrown out of a club and other stuff you now feel terrible about??! Take a lesson from it.

Xterminator

December2012 wrote: »

You should apologise to her privately - realistically what could she say in the group?

Nope - i wouldnt do that. you feel bad because you behaving appallingly. By tring to clear the air you would simply be trying to make yourself feel better about the situation, and you might cause her further embarrassment.

If you cannot leave the situation as is; you could send a box of chocs over or some flowers saying something non specific like sorry i was in such a state and thanks for looking after me.

Now if your friends mum bring it up next time you are over there, by all means offer a grovelling apology. But at least respect her wishes now your sober.

manyoung

Odus fell down wrote: »

So? You said sorry and that's the main thing. Why do you think she wants to revisit the whole sorry episode again? My guess is that it's the last thing she wants. Let's face it, the only reason you want to say sorry is because you're thinking of you and you only. Have some consideration and respect her wishes. She said "Ah sure, we wont talk about it". Respect her wishes.

The best way you can go about showing that you're sorry is to curb your drinking. You don't need me to tell you that if you've blacked out from drinking, you'd really pushed the boat out.

I'm not going to lie, yes its partly for me. I feel guilty as I should. But I also don't like uncertainty either. My memory of the night is fuzzy and although she spoke me and seemed okay, I still wonder whether it is affecting her or not, assuming it happened.

Ursus Horribilis

I doubt it's affecting her. Do you seriously think she has made it to her age without encountering drunken fools behaving like this? Trust me, just about every woman who has ever socialised has encountered some form of drunken idiot/groper. If I were her, I'd be more bothered by the puke. What were you thinking?

manyoung

Odus fell down wrote: »

I doubt it's affecting her. Do you seriously think she has made it to her age without encountering drunken fools behaving like this? Trust me, just about every woman who has ever socialised has encountered some form of drunken idiot/groper. If I were her, I'd be more bothered by the puke. What were you thinking?

Thats the thing, I wasn't. I clearly have no comprehension of my limits. I did things in the nightclub I don't remember. I think I blacked out. I haven't gotten drunk like that before. I don't know...

Ursus Horribilis

Whatever it you drank in that nightclub, don't drink it again. Stick to pints, don't mix your drinks and stay away from things like Red Bull and Vodka.

manyoung

Shrap wrote: »

If she's old enough to be the mother of a young lad who goes clubbing and sound enough to look after his friend with a bucket while he pukes into it without being in the slightest bit phased, then it's most likely that even if you did try to grope her, she has rightly put it down to you being hammered drunk and will have moved on within minutes. "Don't worry about it, we won't say another word on the subject" is the gist of what she said, yes? Take it that she means it and act towards her the way she will most likely act towards you - like nothing happened.

That's my (Mammy of lads) opinion anyway, along with feck sake man, what are you doing drinking enough to black out, be thrown out of a club and other stuff you now feel terrible about??! Take a lesson from it.

Its the idea of uncertainty that really concerns me, the uncertainty that I have potentially hurt someone emotionally. I don't know when I would see her again, it could be another six months, a year perhaps. The evidence against my concerns, is that she spoke to me politely and even asked if my clothes were dry. Also, Im sure she would have told someone else.

As for drinking, I lost control. I didn't have a grasp of my limits.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you normally this sensitive?

manyoung

Odus fell down wrote: »

Are you normally this sensitive?

Yes, I think so. I do have OCD and anxiety and some other issues, so I do tend to ruminate over things like this.

Sunflower 27

You are thinking about this now because it just happened. You will likely think differently in a week. No harm in saying it again if it is bothering you. You really need to decide what is best for you. If it is going to eat away at you, then do say it again. It shows you have thought about your actions.

The fact you are really bothered by this suggests you are a decent chap. Don't let this tear you up. You made a mistake, made a fool of yourself and she did speak to you after, so don't punish yourself tov ease your guilt.

Shrap

manyoung wrote: »

Its the idea of uncertainty that really concerns me............................. I lost control. I didn't have a grasp of my limits.

manyoung wrote: »

Yes, I think so. I do have OCD and anxiety and some other issues, so I do tend to ruminate over things like this.

Now, this is quite interesting OP. If you tend to ruminate, maybe you can have a look at what you say here about you being quite uptight about what people (someone in particular, in this case) are potentially thinking about you....and the loss of control/letting go that you achieved when you drank to excess. Is there a link, do you think?

Perhaps if you put a big effort in to try and let this incident go (perhaps by imagining that your friends mother is FAR better able to handle her emotions than you're giving her credit for) and stop second-guessing what someone else is thinking, you'd have less need for letting go through artificial means?

Ursus Horribilis

Do you have anyone to talk to? Like a counsellor or something? You're fretting far too much over this. You might also be viewing your friend's mother through the prism of your anxiety. Trust me, most women who've reared children to adulthood are pretty battle hardened. There's very little they've not seen or heard. Chances are she remembers you as her son's drunken pal who came home, vomited in her house and made an eejit of himself. I doubt she believes you're a sexual predator of some sort. As someone has already pointed out, she was cool enough to sit beside you with a sick bucket. She cracked a joke the next day and acted as if nothing had happened. She's resilient and I doubt your behaviour is keeping her awake at night.

On the drinking front, try looking at http://www.drinkaware.ie. It might give you a better idea of what's ok and not ok to drink. Are you someone who likes to get drunk quickly and switches between drinks? If that's the case, then it's time to change your style of drinking and what you're having.

StanleyOllie

If its bothering you buy a bunch of flowers for her.... with a note that lesson was learnt and apologise again. She will see you are sorry. And think you are nice and made effort. Dont worry she has lived a life and seen far worse.... dont dwell on it.

manyoung

Shrap wrote: »

Now, this is quite interesting OP. If you tend to ruminate, maybe you can have a look at what you say here about you being quite uptight about what people (someone in particular, in this case) are potentially thinking about you....and the loss of control/letting go that you achieved when you drank to excess. Is there a link, do you think?

Perhaps if you put a big effort in to try and let this incident go (perhaps by imagining that your friends mother is FAR better able to handle her emotions than you're giving her credit for) and stop second-guessing what someone else is thinking, you'd have less need for letting go through artificial means?

Im not sure if we are on the same page when I mentioned I lost control, correct me if I am wrong though. I simply didn't know my limits and drank far too much, this whole drinking session was a once off as I am not that outgoing. I would drink at home, but not much. I am not sure what you mean in your first paragraph, can you elaborate?

I am not doubting she can take care of herself etc. Its just there are people who would consider that behavior perverted etc. But, logically, if she did speak to me, then that suggests the current situation is contrary to my fears.

manyoung

Odus fell down wrote: »

Do you have anyone to talk to? Like a counsellor or something? You're fretting far too much over this. You might also be viewing your friend's mother through the prism of your anxiety. Trust me, most women who've reared children to adulthood are pretty battle hardened. There's very little they've not seen or heard. Chances are she remembers you as her son's drunken pal who came home, vomited in her house and made an eejit of himself. I doubt she believes you're a sexual predator of some sort. As someone has already pointed out, she was cool enough to sit beside you with a sick bucket. She cracked a joke the next day and acted as if nothing had happened. She's resilient and I doubt your behaviour is keeping her awake at night.

On the drinking front, try looking at http://www.drinkaware.ie. It might give you a better idea of what's ok and not ok to drink. Are you someone who likes to get drunk quickly and switches between drinks? If that's the case, then it's time to change your style of drinking and what you're having.

Yes, Im doing CBT at the moment and I may bring my worries about this up. Thanks for the website, Ill look into it.

Shrap

manyoung wrote: »

I am not sure what you mean in your first paragraph, can you elaborate?

I can. I think there is often a direct correlation between how much pressure a person is under (whether it's from their own thought processing or from parents/partners being overly judgmental or strict, or having very high expectations, etc.) and how much they "let go" under the influence of a substance that lowers their inhibitions.

I liken it to the notion of someone who has been brought up by restrictive parents breaking out and rebelling by heading straight for a "no limits" lifestyle. Seems to me you put a lot of pressure on yourself in the way you think about yourself OP, so maybe just be aware that you could react somewhat wildly to the drink......

I'll be honest.. if you have OCD and anxieties and other issues, then is heavy drinking really something that you should be doing?

BnB

StanleyOllie wrote: »

If its bothering you buy a bunch of flowers for her.... with a note that lesson was learnt and apologise again. She will see you are sorry. And think you are nice and made effort. Dont worry she has lived a life and seen far worse.... dont dwell on it.

I think that's the nail on the head.

I don't think you need to have a big heart to heart with her or anything like that. Just buy her a bunch of flowers and say look, Mrs Friendsmammy, I just wanted to say, I'm very sorry for the way I carried on last weekend. I'm mortified that I was such an ape.

I think you'll feel better, and while she probably 100% understands that it was just liquor and doesn't expect it at all, it is always nice when someone shows they are genuinely sorry.

power pants

Odus fell down wrote: »

Are you normally this sensitive?

I dont think op is being over sensitive. If I was a teenager or early 20s I too would be feeling the same as op.

at my age I can see it for what it is and realise its not the end of the world

beks101

Ah this is bringing back all kinds of memories OP

I don't think very many of us get through our late teens/early 20s without getting blind drunk and making a holy show of ourselves in front of someone we really didn't want to make a holy show of ourselves in front of. And struggle to remember most of the encounter and fear the absolute worst.

Listen, she's a grown woman and is probably relieved that she was able to take care of you instead of you ending up in the headlines the next day. Most parents would feel the same. Grope or no grope, she'll put it all down to too much booze and not enough sense and will probably feel more sorry for you and the absolute fear that you have about the whole thing more than anything.

If you're not comfortable sending a gift, I'd post a wee letter or a card addressed to her and thank her for putting up with your drunken woes and that you've well and truly learned your lesson! Short and sweet and then put this whole thing behind you.

Except that next time you're tempted to have far too many drinks. That's when you need to remember the whole damn thing.

Merkin

Yes, I'd do as beks101 says and write a well thought out and sincere card apologising for getting so drunk and thanking her for being so kind to you. Then you can put this to bed. We have all, at some stage or another, have over indulged and embarrassed ourselves but please don't torture yourself over it, she sounds like she was kind and concerned and on that basis I'd thank her.

manyoung

Shrap wrote: »

I can. I think there is often a direct correlation between how much pressure a person is under (whether it's from their own thought processing or from parents/partners being overly judgmental or strict, or having very high expectations, etc.) and how much they "let go" under the influence of a substance that lowers their inhibitions.

I liken it to the notion of someone who has been brought up by restrictive parents breaking out and rebelling by heading straight for a "no limits" lifestyle. Seems to me you put a lot of pressure on yourself in the way you think about yourself OP, so maybe just be aware that you could react somewhat wildly to the drink......

I think you may be onto something. I will admit that my mood has been low and when I get the chance to go out with a friend I hadn't seen in ages combined with drink, well I suppose I allowed myself to "go mad on the booze". I did read something on the net about alcohol, as you mentioned, lowering inhibitions. Some would call it your "true personality" or whatever, which in my situation, just scares me. The only way to go now is to practice self control and self discipline when it comes to drinking, should I decide to continue.

manyoung

beks101 wrote: »

Ah this is bringing back all kinds of memories OP

I don't think very many of us get through our late teens/early 20s without getting blind drunk and making a holy show of ourselves in front of someone we really didn't want to make a holy show of ourselves in front of. And struggle to remember most of the encounter and fear the absolute worst.

Listen, she's a grown woman and is probably relieved that she was able to take care of you instead of you ending up in the headlines the next day. Most parents would feel the same. Grope or no grope, she'll put it all down to too much booze and not enough sense and will probably feel more sorry for you and the absolute fear that you have about the whole thing more than anything.

If you're not comfortable sending a gift, I'd post a wee letter or a card addressed to her and thank her for putting up with your drunken woes and that you've well and truly learned your lesson! Short and sweet and then put this whole thing behind you.

Except that next time you're tempted to have far too many drinks. That's when you need to remember the whole damn thing.

Thanks you for the advice. As strange as it sounds, now I just need to find the address!