When to let go of "friends" who make no effort?

LegacyUser

As we get older it becomes more difficult to stay in touch with all of our school & college friends.
Ive always made a big effort to do so, but a year or two ago i realized it was only me making an effort. If i didnt call and arrange to meet up for coffee or a beer, we would never meet up.

So, to test this idea i stopped arranging anything and sure enough I fell out of touch with a significant portion of my "friends".
I got annoyed and just left it there, decided if they cant be bothered, why should i.

Im older and wiser now and i figure that some people are just terrible at keeping in touch, and some are not and maybe i should make an effort to get back in touch with these guys, even if its me putting in all the effort.

Is there a point though, where you realize that some friendships are one sided, no effort is reciprocated and its just time to let go and move on?

zoobizoo

Depends.

Do you have a good time when you meet up? I have friends who have kids and busy jobs and I'm the glue that keeps the group together - I have no problem doing this as when we get together we always have fun. All it takes is an email or a text or two every few months

Friendships do change/transform over the years - the important thing is to remember that it does take more effort and some people are busy and lazy or a combination of both.

Some friendships should be let go if you are not enjoying them no doubt ... others might just need someone like you who will make the effort to encourage people to stay in touch.

The Princess Bride

I'm from the generation where we didn't have house phones let alone mobiles- no FB or any of that lark.
We kept in touch with who we wanted to and it's still the same for me years later.

I don't believe having children or a busy career is a reasonable excuse either, sure most people are busy.
Bottom line-you don't need to be in each other's pockets or in touch constantly to be friends-but it shouldn't be the same person making the effort always.
If someone wants to be your friend they will, but you can't -nor shouldn't -force it if they don't.

LegacyUser

The Princess Bride wrote: »

Bottom line-you don't need to be in each other's pockets or in touch constantly to be friends-but it shouldn't be the same person making the effort always.
If someone wants to be your friend they will, but you can't -nor shouldn't -force it if they don't.

I agree, and i have friends that i may not see for a few weeks or even a few months, but il always get the occasional mail or text or even impromptu invitation for a bite to eat. Effort is put in on both sides.

The friends im talking about are ones who when i dont contact them, i hear nothing until i contact them again. After i stopped making effort it was a year with no contact, until, I got in touch again. completely one way.

I get some people are lazy, some are busy, but I do believe that people make time for and prioritize what matters to them, on a subconscious level and if i dont ever come to mind or mean enough to be sent an odd text or mail then I probably think more of the friendship than they do.

I guess thats my own question answered.

zoobizoo

Effort-less wrote: »

I probably think more of the friendship than they do.
.

Not necessarily.

I have one friend who has always been notoriously bad at getting in touch...

It used to bother me a lot - I remember saying it to him years ago and he said that he would try more. I then realised that he was never going to change. He was the same with everyone, not just me.

He sees me as a good friend. I see him as a good friend.

We meet up as a gang a few times a year for a good catch up. If I let his inaction bother me, I'd miss out on that.

There are other people who I wouldn't give that leeway to and who I would reduce contact with.

Tisserand

Effort-less wrote: »

As we get older it becomes more difficult to stay in touch with all of our school & college friends.
Ive always made a big effort to do so, but a year or two ago i realized it was only me making an effort. If i didnt call and arrange to meet up for coffee or a beer, we would never meet up.

So, to test this idea i stopped arranging anything and sure enough I fell out of touch with a significant portion of my "friends".
I got annoyed and just left it there, decided if they cant be bothered, why should i.

Im older and wiser now and i figure that some people are just terrible at keeping in touch, and some are not and maybe i should make an effort to get back in touch with these guys, even if its me putting in all the effort.

Is there a point though, where you realize that some friendships are one sided, no effort is reciprocated and its just time to let go and move on?

I think it's a case of 'flushing out' the people who don't really want to keep in contact from those who are terrible at keeping in touch. I have a few close friends and we keep in touch regularly, each of us putting in the same effort to hook up. But there were other people in my life who would have been hard work or who I would have been terrible at keeping in touch with.

For instance, I 'let go' a friend only 3 months ago. We worked with each other for about 5 years and when I left the company we only maintained company through social media, even though we live in the same town! No matter when I suggested meeting up, she would reply saying oh yes we must do sometime, but I could never nail her down. She would always say she didn't have enough money until she got paid, blah blah blah. So the penny dropped and I stopped the contact and she has hasn't been on to wonder why or if I am ok or anything. I had to concede she really didn't want to meet up with me and let her go.

But then there are other people that I wouldn't have been great at keeping in contact with. I have decided to do something about that. Three weeks ago I wrote an old fashioned letter and sent it in the post, to someone I had been friendly with years ago and we had lost touch. She phoned me earlier tonight and we are meeting up at Christmas. I also contacted somebody I was on a course with years ago but she hasn't been in touch and while I am disappointed, she has probably decided she doesn't want to.

I think you need to decide for yourself who is worth the effort and keep your energy for them.

Also, I firmly believe you don't really know who your friends are until something happens to 'test' the friendship, like a crisis or difficulties in your life, but that's another story altogether!