help-nobody to talk to?

LegacyUser

Long story but I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for over a year. We are currently in 3rd year of college and are from different counties so I only know her a few years. So we had a very active sex life in the beginning. Over the last few months she hasn't allowed us to have sex and honestly this has been causing a strain in our relationship.

Recently, while drunk she confessed something awful to me. She told me she was sexually abused when she was in secondary school by a much older homosexual lady(and her friends) who was a family friend. According to her, it wasn't rape as the two were close and the woman was teaching her that this behavior was normal and preparing her for becoming a woman. She said its only recently she has started to remember and look back on it and realise that she was being brain washed into performing sexual acts on the other women. She was never touched herself she says, so she has been ashamed to tell anyone as technically it was her that was carrying out the innapropriate acts. She has told me that anytime I go near her in that way, she sees her face. This is heartbreaking that anyone could abuse her. She's my everything and has always been strong and independent. I couldn't ever imagine it could have happened to her. I tried to bring it up the next day but she told me she doesn't want to talk about it ever and that she regrets mentioning it. Obviously, I cant stop thinking about it. One, because I have met the lady on several occasions and she's a very big part of my girlfriends life and her families lives. But mostly, I want to help her. I hope I don't sound selfish in this, but I honestly can't see myself being comfortable initiating sex because I don't want her to think about whats happened her. To be frank, we are young, and sex has been a very big part of our relationship until very recently.
I just don't know how to approach this situation. Any advice?

silverbolt

Everyone is different in life. some people recover from trauma quickly, others do not.

Your partner may well have put all this behind her and is only looking to move on with her life.

however the one thing she doesnt need is YOU going all wierd on her. If you dont carry on as normal, this is going to drive a huge wedge between you and may stop her from opening up to someone else. You sa youve have an active sex life so unless she is a very good actress then she has determined to make sure that it doesnt affect her life.

Hemerodrome

You know your girlfriend better than we do, so you can work out how to speak to her about this yourself, but she needs professional help. This
is way beyond your sex life, your girlfriend is a victim of abuse and her description of how she sees her role in it shows that she has not dealt with it at all. If she never talks about it again, she's going to keep suffering the same problem every day and be stuck blaming herself. If you live and value her, you will have to look past your needs, maybe even at the risk of losing the relationship, because her need now is far bigger than that.

LegacyUser

Hemerodrome wrote: »

You know your girlfriend better than we do, so you can work out how to speak to her about this yourself, but she needs professional help. This
is way beyond your sex life, your girlfriend is a victim of abuse and her description of how she sees her role in it shows that she has not dealt with it at all. If she never talks about it again, she's going to keep suffering the same problem every day and be stuck blaming herself. If you live and value her, you will have to look past your needs, maybe even at the risk of losing the relationship, because her need now is far bigger than that.

Yeah i suppose. I just don't want to make her relive it by discussing it, but I know if she will talk to anyone it will be me.

Hemerodrome

helpwantedplz wrote: »

Yeah i suppose. I just don't want to make her relive it by discussing it, but I know if she will talk to anyone it will be me.

If it's affecting her life, she's already reliving it. It'd be great if she did talk to you, but you need to see that as a starting point, it's something she'll need experienced help with. Your best role is supporting her through that, not supporting her alone. And the process needs to focus on her, not its effect on you.

Ursus Horribilis

I know you want to help but there's only so much you can do. You don't have the tools to deal with something like this. Besides, you're too emotionally involved in this.. If you want to help, I wonder would contacting the Rape Crisis Centre yourself be a start?