Anxiety when boyfriend drinks (and other times)

LegacyUser

I grew up in a family where a parent was an alcoholic.
I suffer from anxiety which I think is a result of this. I think this stems from a need to be in control, because I was never in control growing up (more information here http://www.searidgealcoholrehab.com/article-adult-children-of-alcoholics.php)

When my boyfriend drinks (which is rare and he does not even drink that much when he is out) I suffer from anxiety - that he will get in an accident, that he will trip and fall (I particularly hate if he is in town with a river), that he will get in a fight (he is not argumentative but I worry that he will end up being part of a fight), amongst other things that I just cannot think of at the moment. He stopped smoking about a year ago (I never liked him smoking) and I get anxiety he will smoke when he drinks.

Now all the above, I know I have no control over. But it doesn't stop the anxiety and the awful feelings

Anyone else relate to the traits of a Child of an Alcoholic? Anyone got any advice on controlling the anxiety?

Another day

I think you need to talk to someone about this. If you don't it will destroy your relationship and any future relationships.

L.Jenkins

You could seek help from a Counselor or the Samaritans, who, I'm aware aren't just their if you're in a severely distressed, but can offer a ear and potential ways to help yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. I absolutely intend getting some professional help but in the meantime am just wondering if anyone on boards has an experience of this/something similar and can give advice based on that.

I hate the way I feel. And I hate the way I end up controlling or trying to control my partner. Asking him not to drink or worse telling him he is not allowed to. Or crying and begging him not to drink etc.
To be fair to him, he is in it for the long haul, as crazy as it sounds I don't think we are at risk of breaking up over it but I hate what it is doing (I am sure) to our relationship.

Being an child of an alcoholic is obviously bad at the time as a child but it is quite scary the far reaching consequences and effect it can have on someone's life even a long time after the events....

questionmark?

OP please please don't let what you saw grown up dictate your life.

Just talk to some one, get your thoughts out and get the help to move your life on.

njs030

Op I believe it is hard to be a child of an alcoholic but at some point in all our lives we have to take responsibility and stop blaming our parents- I think you need to wake up and see this as your time.
Many, many people have hard childhoods but it's not an excuse for bad behaviour as an adult. You are choosing to behave this way, no one is forcing you and you are the person making these decisions even if you can't see that yet.
If you are struggling to deal with your past you need counselling to address this and deal with it, tbh your boyfriend shouldn't be allowing you to act in this way as it just validates the behaviour.

I'm sorry to be harsh but while you think your boyfriend is in the relationship for the long haul sooner or later any rational person would get sick of behaviour like screaming and crying and begging him not to drink. Looking up links or reading articles that support your idea that this behaviour is ok isn't helping you.
Really its up to you to decide you want to change this and start working towards moving away from your past and towards a different future where you can be happier- counselling will definitely help you with that.

R.D. aka MR.D

I totally agree with notjustsweet.

I'm the child of an alcoholic father (and to make it even better; a mentally ill mother). When i first read a book about 'Children of Alcoholics', I couldn't believe how much it every single point described the negative aspects of my personality.

What that did was help me realise that the way that I was behaving was totally changeable. It was a behaviour that was a result of what happened to me. I used to think it was just the way I was, my personality, but then I realised, it wasn't me , it was my past. I have resolved to change.

I've been very successful with some things. In particular, I used to be like you. I would be constantly worrying about my boyfriend when he went drinking, not sleeping worrying that he had fallen into the canal because he hadn't texted me. I was putting my issues onto him. It was pointless worry. With the help of cbt, I realised that worry is mostly useless energy. I have no control over what happens. Worry is pointless.

The issue that I'm making progress on at the minute is the fact that I can't deal with sudden changes of plans. If I have an idea of what's happening and it changes then it really bothers me. It doesn't happen at work etc but only with matters to do with my OH. I working on it.

That's the thing OP. You can't just say 'this is the way I am, everybody just has to deal with it'. My OH is not responsible for my childhood so he shouldn't have to suffer because of it. He can be supportive of me but he also doesn't put with with a lot of crap that stems from it and I'm always grateful for that.

You are an adult. You have the ability to choose your behaviour and your thinking. Now that you know that this thinking is caused by what happened in your childhood, it should make it easier to choose not to indulge it.

It's not easy. Believe me. I struggle with it every single day. Sometimes I despair at how unfair it is that I have to deal with this every day of my life when I didn't choose to be born into it but cbt helped me to realise that life isn't always fair. Things aren't black and white (Children of Alcoholics like to see things in black and white), life isn't fair. You just have to deal with that fact in a healthy way. The first step is to accept that it isn't fair and move on from that.

I always say that having an alcoholic parent is a reason but not an excuse. It explains some of my thinking/actions but it doesn't excuse them. I'm responsible for how I conduct myself as an adult and so are you.

LegacyUser

Oh gosh my posts weren't supposed to come across that I was unwilling to change or was just accepting the way I am. Reading back I suppose I do ask for advice in controlling the anxiety but I guess (unsaid) what I am really looking for is help in changing and eradicating the anxiety and behaviours completely (or controlling the behaviours at least).

I also don't necessarily "blame" my background. I accept it was what it was. And I know that many people have different upbringings and much worse than my own. Tbh the alcoholism was not the extremes that some people inflict on others. It was binge drinking for a few days and then nothing for a month or so. Although this apparently leads to being on edge all the time because as a child, even when the adult was not drinking, you were on edge waiting for the next episode. I do suffer now from anxiety / apprehension that "something bad is going to happen" (at home/when on holidays). And catastrophizing e.g. about things that happen in work.

MrsRD what you said about the "changing of plan" resonates also. That is me to a T - while in work I am flexible and open to change, with my partner I find changes of plan and changes of mind difficult to deal with...

So in essence I'm not saying it is right the way I am. But I did find it helpful to find out that possibly the reason I am this way is because of what I went through as a child. By understanding this first I think it will help me change.

So I am open to change. I know it will be hard work. I am open to this. What did people who have experienced this do to change? How did you change?

R.D. aka MR.D

Well for me it was cognitive behavioural therapy, hard work and something else. I was diagnosed with IBS and the doctor suggested that I try to get on top of my anxiety.

I live abroad in an non-English speaking country so I couldn't receive therapy but I bought a book and did a lot of research into it. It was a big eye opener for me.
It really helped me gain practical ways to stop myself when I get into bad ways of thinking.
Would you be willing to visit a professional? I think it would be helpful.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you are being complacent when you think your partner's there for the long haul. You cannot know how close he is to a breaking point. So definitely don't wait too long before getting proper help and getting this under control.

LegacyUser

Yes will definitely be going to a professional. Have one identified and will be going after Christmas.

Woke up this morning with terrible anxiety. Cannot even put my finger on why. Got me thinking about some of the posts above "tgat I have a choice". Yes and no...or easier Said than Done. It's not something that can be switched off my god I think we would all do that. But how to switch it off or the tools used to switch it off can be learnt I guess and this is what I need.

I don't worry about my partner leaving but I do worry about his happiness and what this is doing to him. And to our relationship. Who wants someone (my partner) staying in relationship but not being happy. The drink does not necessarily bother him he does not drink that much but other things the way i act do - the freaking out about changes of plans, other controlling things.

R.D. aka MR.D

ACoA wrote: »

Woke up this morning with terrible anxiety. Cannot even put my finger on why. Got me thinking about some of the posts above "tgat I have a choice". Yes and no...or easier Said than Done. It's not something that can be switched off my god I think we would all do that. But how to switch it off or the tools used to switch it off can be learnt I guess and this is what I need.

I just wanted to say that right now it seems like you can't turn it off but you can. It's great that you are going to see a professional. They will show you the techniques.

That voice or that horrible feeling in your chest that can be made to disappear at your say so. It's very doable when you know how.

seamus

Odus fell down wrote: »

I think you are being complacent when you think your partner's there for the long haul. You cannot know how close he is to a breaking point. So definitely don't wait too long before getting proper help and getting this under control.

This. It's usually the little things which break up relationships. Big things happen suddenly and you can work through them.

But the little things build up over a long time and by the time you hit breaking point it's already too late to reconcile.

He completely understands, but in ten years time if he still has run a gauntlet of begging and crying every time he just wants to see his mates, he could be ready to check out.

Its not your intention but it's emotional blackmail and it will eventually cause resentment. You need to get on top of this now.