Sexual Assult/Work Issue

Bobbles Smobbles

I don't even know if this is the right area to post this, if not mods please feel free to move.

Basically to cut a long story short I was friends with a guy for a few years, we knew each other through mutual friends and always got on really well. One night about 3 years ago we were on a usual night out with our friends, at the end of the night we all went back to my house for a few drinks. A lot of alcohol has been consumed that night. I know that isn't an excuse for what happened but this guy that I was friends with tried it on, at the time I wasn't single which he knew but none the less he tried his case with me. I tried to let him down gently but he wouldn't take no for an answer. All of sudden he snapped and became very aggressive and pushy toward me, he told me that I had been teasing him and leading him all night, which I tried to deny. He didn't like me trying to defend myself or my efforts to calm him down. Without going into too much detail he sexually assaulted me that night.

To this day I'm still trying to come to terms with what happened. I'm still in therapy and have frequent panic attacks. I never went to the guards at the time because I thought it would be my word against his and I thought no one would believe me. I told my close friends eventually as they had noticed the obvious change in my demeanour. This guy distanced himself from my group of friends and I didn't really have to see him again after it happened.

I have tried to get on with my life as best I could. I have a job which I love and has helped me a great deal in feeling a bit more like my old self. I have just found out that the guy that assaulted me has applied for a position in the company that I work for as my friend works in our HR dept he recognised his name.

This news has floored me. I really don't know what to do. I love working here, if this guy gets a job here I won't feel safe and will most definitely have to hand in my notice, I dont think I could handle having to see him every day. It is not just my own safety I'm worried about. What happens if he does the same thing again to someone I work with.

I really don't know what to do??? Should I say something to HR about this person? I really don't want to have to reveal these personal details to people I work with, but what other choice do I have??

Any advice anybody could give me would be greatly appreciated. I'm sorry if this post seems a bit all over the place. My head is all over the place.

lifeandtimes

Wow op im so sorry to hear that,first things first you must decide if you want to tell the police or not about what happened that night this will basically carve the route your gonna take...if you do,this means he will be investigated,your word againts his is how it always is on these cases and plenty of offenders get served justice and he can kiss that job goodbye anyway. ..option 2 is not tell the guards what happened and see what happens ,best your friend tries to keep things to a minimum as they may lose their job for releasing that info to you against data protection etc but chances are he might not get the job and if he didn't would you be able to keep away or would you be directly involved with each other professionally....in my opinion it all boils down to if you want to get the law involved or not. ...also there are stickys here to help people who have been sexually assaulted they might help or contact your counsellor for more advice,wish you the best

LegacyUser

I guess it comes down to this: "Without going into too much detail he sexually assaulted me that night."

<Mod Snip>

It's v hard to know how to judge the situation unless you are precise about what happened. And my questions aren't about judging, they're just about trying to guage the situation.

And awful as it sounds, I don't think it's right to go to HR before reporting him legally. That's what the legal system is there for. We can't, as a civilised society, decide to bypass our legal system, and exact our own revenge - and blackening someone's name is revenge. No matter how true you feel that to be. Where would our society be if everyone could do that without fact or foundation?

Jan Laco

Whatever you do, do not tell HR. It might be someone with the same name (Or did your friend do some more research?)

njs030

Bad bad idea re HR wrote: »

And awful as it sounds, I don't think it's right to go to HR before reporting him legally. That's what the legal system is there for. We can't, as a civilised society, decide to bypass our legal system, and exact our own revenge - and blackening someone's name is revenge. No matter how true you feel that to be. Where would our society be if everyone could do that without fact or foundation?

This is a perfect post. I'm truely sorry for you op but if you act without properly thinking it through you could have a lot more problems.
If you go to hr and tell them he did this horrific thing, and they then don't hire him because of this he could sue you for slander. Though unless your hr department are completely incompetent they would have to disregard your comments.

You can still make a complaint to the gardai, it would be your word against his but at least then you could notify hr on proper grounds and they'd be very unlikely to hire him with a criminal case going on concerning him and another employee. Though as the above poster said it does depend a lot on what happened and if there is a criminal case to answer.

I hope you are coping ok op and manage to find a workable solution.

strandroad

It's a horrible situation to be in... You can't say anything really unless you report him to the gardai.
Are you sure it's the same person?
Does he have a chance of getting this job?
Does he know that you work there? He might not want to proceed himself if he was somehow informed about it.

arayess

In case you don't want to go to the gardai on this you could try the following approach.

Given he moved away from your group and didn't speak to you again , it's fair to say he knows he behaved terribly

is there anybody you know that would have contact with him and can tell him that you work in that company . Given his previous distancing from you he will probably not want to work with you again. Knowing you work there may probably be enough to get him to withdraw from the interview process.

SATSUMA

You don't know that he even has the job yet it's just an application.

You probably need to get some support for yourself. Go see a therapist or contact the rape crisis centre for a chat (it's not just for people who were raped). Look after yourself first and foremost.

Taltos

Mod Note
bilbot79 - this is your last chance.
Read our charter, read some other threads. Please get a feel for what is acceptable here. Your post that I deleted crosses the line yet again and I'll be blunt you are on the edge of being banned from this forum due to your posts just not getting how this forum works.

OPs post here quite often as a last resort. As such they are due all of our respect and it is up to them to provide as little (as is needed for advice) or more if and only if they feel it's appropriate.

Final warning: If you cannot provide constructive advice then refrain from posting.