No help

Lizony

Im not sure if posting here is the best idea but Im at a bit of a loss and dont have many other places to go with this sorry but I feel better being back on boards and seeing that I may not be alone. My relationship with my partner has been on the rocks for some time and weve been together for over 6 years which at first was great but in time I noticed how nasty he got when he drank. I didnt feel supported when I found out that my father got badly ill and I have to take care of him and when my aunt died of cancer I just hit rock bottom. He doesnt seem to care and when he drinks hes just nasty and selfish. He doesnt physiclly hurt me but emotionally its like hes being mentally abusive. I just cant handle this right now with everything thats going on.

Not long ago I found out something from his past that really shocked me and Im still coming to terms with it. Id rather not say what he did but it was befre he met me and he stopped doing it after meeting me so he says but Im just so confused with everything thats happening that I dont know what to believe. I think it may explain what hes like when he drinks because it must have been a really disturbing job to do. But why do I have to feel bad because of this?

Sorry for the stream of consciousness I must be having an early mid life crisis or something!!!

I guess I am just asking how people get through the hard times like this and should I be trying to ask for a counsellor or help from somewhere or would this make him angry? I feel like I cant think straight because my father is taking up my energy and my partner isnt always around the house to support me. Maybe thats a good thing because he doesnt support me anyway.

Xterminator

Do you want to work out things with your partner? is it worth it?
does he want to work out things with you ?

I dont think continuing the way things are would be good for you.

So i would consider leaving and going to live with Dad or another relative for a couple of weeks, to get some space if that was at all possible. then find out if he wants to work things out. be prepared in case he does not. If he agrees to try ; go to counselling together.

X

LegacyUser

Lizony wrote: »

trying to ask for a counsellor or help from somewhere or would this make him angry?

If you genuinely believe that your partner would react angrily to you seeking a little support, then you need to get away from him. He doesn't seem good for you anyway, so you have reasons to go and no reason to stay.

Ursus Horribilis

I think you should quietly go to a counsellor for yourself first. You've been through an awful lot and I don't believe you're seeing the wood from the trees for now. You're carrying a lot on your shoulders - too much if you ask me.

Lizony

Xterminator wrote: »

Do you want to work out things with your partner? is it worth it?
does he want to work out things with you ?

I dont think continuing the way things are would be good for you.

So i would consider leaving and going to live with Dad or another relative for a couple of weeks, to get some space if that was at all possible. then find out if he wants to work things out. be prepared in case he does not. If he agrees to try ; go to counselling together.

X

Hi Xt thanks for the reply. I just dont know anymore I need to clear my head maybe Ill bring it up gently. Thanks

Guessed wrote: »

If you genuinely believe that your partner would react angrily to you seeking a little support, then you need to get away from him. He doesn't seem good for you anyway, so you have reasons to go and no reason to stay.

Yes I know theres good sides and bad. Thanks youve given me stuff to think about.

Odus fell down wrote: »

I think you should quietly go to a counsellor for yourself first. You've been through an awful lot and I don't believe you're seeing the wood from the trees for now. You're carrying a lot on your shoulders - too much if you ask me.

Yes if I can clear my head from the stress of everything around me that sounds like a good idea thanks Odus.

Gosh Im sounding so melodramatic Im sorry!

dudara

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the death of your aunt, and about your fathers illness. It's so hard and so draining to deal with those kinds of things.

Have you ever spoken to your partner about his drinking, or discussed some way of dealing with it? How well do you communicate in general?

Neyite

We cant recommend counsellors here, OP, but its a really good idea to talk to someone.

Like you, I had a run of crap things happen me some years ago, and it all seemed to snowball. My partner at the time actually added to the stress of it all really. But I found a counsellor and it really helped.

I'm concerned when you say he's not nice to you though. Drink is no excuse for treating you unkindly.

AsianIrish

Talk to him when he is sober and tell him to stay away from alcohal. If the running makes my legs hurt, I will not go jogging, as simple as that.

bigpink

Must have been an awful job could he get help from them?

screamer

OP sorry to hear if the tough time you're having.

It's hard to give advise as we only have one side and There are 2 sides to every story. I don't expect you to reply to these questions but think about them yourself. Did he always drink ? was he always like he is when drunk? If so why have you stayed with him?

You seem to equate his drinking with a horrible job well perhaps but perhaps not. There are people who have horrible jobs who dont drink. There are people with simple jobs and drink like crazy. It seems like you're looking for excuses as to why he drinks and behaves as he does. That sets off alarm bells TBH.

Since you've been caring for your dad have you been spending any quality time with your partner? I'm not being nasty but I've seen people I know go into tailspin when relatives die or become ill to the point that it affects their relationship at home and yes I've seen partners turn to drink or even leave as the gap widens.

OP you can't be all things to everyone. You need to decide where your loyalties are and what's important to you. That will help you decide which direction to take with councillor or whatever.

Lizony

dudara wrote: »

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about the death of your aunt, and about your fathers illness. It's so hard and so draining to deal with those kinds of things.

Have you ever spoken to your partner about his drinking, or discussed some way of dealing with it? How well do you communicate in general?

Thanks dudare youre right but I guess I just need to keep going and power through.

No I dont know how to bring it up to be honest!! I think I usually just am not the one to bring things up and maybe thats my fault but I dont feel I can do that I dont know how. I think I should probaby be more asserting I guess its just not my style but I will try to dig deep and do it yes.

Ursus Horribilis

Do you feel afraid of your partner?

Lizony

Neyite wrote: »

We cant recommend counsellors here, OP, but its a really good idea to talk to someone.

Like you, I had a run of crap things happen me some years ago, and it all seemed to snowball. My partner at the time actually added to the stress of it all really. But I found a counsellor and it really helped.

I'm concerned when you say he's not nice to you though. Drink is no excuse for treating you unkindly.

Thanks Neyte and Im really sorry about your experience. Ill need to do something about a consellor youre right I just think its something that seems so far away from my experience but I need to woman up yes!!

Yes youre right drink is no excuse

AsianIrish wrote: »

Talk to him when he is sober and tell him to stay away from alcohal. If the running makes my legs hurt, I will not go jogging, as simple as that.

Hah hah yes thats good! I need to try and figure how to say to him so I am taking this on board thanks.

bigpink wrote: »

Must have been an awful job could he get help from them?

Not really it isnt a job that has support or anything its a bit tricky to explain without saying what industry the job is sorry.

screamer wrote: »

OP sorry to hear if the tough time you're having.

It's hard to give advise as we only have one side and There are 2 sides to every story. I don't expect you to reply to these questions but think about them yourself. Did he always drink ? was he always like he is when drunk? If so why have you stayed with him?

You seem to equate his drinking with a horrible job well perhaps but perhaps not. There are people who have horrible jobs who dont drink. There are people with simple jobs and drink like crazy. It seems like you're looking for excuses as to why he drinks and behaves as he does. That sets off alarm bells TBH.

Since you've been caring for your dad have you been spending any quality time with your partner? I'm not being nasty but I've seen people I know go into tailspin when relatives die or become ill to the point that it affects their relationship at home and yes I've seen partners turn to drink or even leave as the gap widens.

OP you can't be all things to everyone. You need to decide where your loyalties are and what's important to you. That will help you decide which direction to take with councillor or whatever.

Maybe I need to do more and spend time with him yes but I do feel that he doesnt spend time with me also. Its so confusing.

Tank you screamer I will let your questions sink in to me and I will try and be more asserting in this I guess I just need time to figure it all out sorry!

Lizony

Odus fell down wrote: »

Do you feel afraid of your partner?

Ehm I think its more that I feel unspported and stuff instead of afraid. If it was the same badness with the physical side I would be afraid but this is more mental and emotional stuff so its nit like Im really afraid but I dont know really sorry!!

Ursus Horribilis

A partner doesn't have to hit you to be in the wrong. I wouldn't like to suggest you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Having said that, I think you should be aware that emotional abuse is every bit as harmful in a relationship as physical violence.

I think for now you should go get counselling for yourself and tell the counsellor everything you've told us. Deal with your partner later.