ex husbands new woman, how will kids react

country gal

Seperated 2 tears ex has a new woman in his life "getting to know each other stage he says", but will tell kids if it gets serious. What should I do last jan my 9 year old never when back to school fully for 14 weeks, he suffered stress and anxiety a little break down, he attended the menral health services for his age, im afraid hell react bad about a new woman as he said some of last years stress and anxiety was because we were seperated. Also my 14 year old has a bad relationship with her dad and she bkames him for leaving. Any advice for me please.

Zaph

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njs030

I think you have to remember they are not just your children, they are his too and if he's in a serious relationship they will have to meet her- though he's told you its not at that stage yet.

I'm not sure what you think you could do, you can't control his relationships and it sounds like he's trying to do the right thing and not introduce them too soon. If you try to stop him introducing her to them you'll bring problems and arguements into the equation.

I'd suggest you trust their father has their best interests at heart, i hope you are explaining to your children no one is at fault and they shouldn't be picking sides.

jimmycrackcorm

How would you deal with the situation if it was you who had the new partner. And, more importantly, what are you doing to stop your child blaming her father for leaving?

Mr. Incognito

My advice is accept you are seperated and he is entitled to see other people and be mature and supportive to your ex partner and your kids.

If you make an issue out of it you force the kids to take sides and cause trauma.

PressRun

It sounds like he's trying to handle it as delicately as possible, to be fair. As long as he's not expecting the children to accept this woman as another mother-figure, or even expecting them to be warm with her off the bat (these things take time, especially with younger children who may still be grappling with the separation), then there isn't much more he can do. I understand being worried about your children and wanting to protect them, especially if the separation was very difficult and stressful for them, but there has to be an acceptance of the fact somewhere down the line that there may be new people coming into the picture now that you've gone your separate ways with your ex-husband.

Have your children seen a counselor to talk about some unresolved feelings they may have about the separation? Talking about things like this with a professional could be helpful for them with coming to terms with the upheaval in their lives.

iusedtoknow

They will react based on how you react. It won't be easy, but you have to be at least neutral with and about her when it comes to the kids, do not let your personal feelings about your ex or indeed her affect them. Your ex has the right to a relationship with his kids, and he also has the right to a romantic relationship - the two are not exclusive.

Remember, they are his kids as well - you can set a good precedent for the future now in how you deal with your kids and with your ex.

Shrap

iusedtoknow wrote: »

They will react based on how you react.

Was going to say exactly that. Children will take their cues on how to react from their nearest and dearest. I would expect that if you were to be determined to show willing to get along with her and support their relationship in a "isn't it great that your Dad has met someone so nice?" kind of way, then that is certainly what your 9 yr old will benefit from. Your teen girl, perhaps not so much, but you could talk to her in a more adult fashion by approaching her about "trying her best" to get along with this woman, for the sake of family peace and her brother's sense of security. Show her that this is the attitude you expect from her.

No matter what your personal feelings are about this woman when you meet her, you should rise above them and make damn sure that nothing negative about her or their relationship is indicated by you around your kids. I've been there, a few times. You will need to prepare yourself for the fact that your kids will have a relationship with her too and may in fact like her very much. You may feel a bit shaken then, as their mother (I remember being fairly taken aback, but didn't let on, when my eldest said how "Brigit's lasagne is AMAZING Mum!!" - funny how these things can floor you ).

Preparing yourself for this relationship and how you will deal with it is the best way to help your kids through it.

Rubberchikken

for the sakes of your children, keep any opinions of this woman or subsequent women from them. lie if you have to, definitely just speak in a neutral way about them as a last resort.
he's their dad and while he may have left, and you were probably hurt, and still may be, it would be better for them if you only say good things.
i know it sounds daft, and i realise i'm not putting this together well, but if you want their relationship with their dad to improve, and it can in time, then it needs you to really work hard at helping them.

i'm sorry your son suffered from anxiety due to the seperation and that you're daughter feels her dad is to blame, but if this is compounded by negativity on your part, these things will worsen.

he has been fair in so far as he has mentioned this woman and what stage of a relationship they are at.
take care

LegacyUser

As already mentioned, your children will take their cues from you. If you have a problem with it, they will most likely feel they SHOULD have a problem with it, so as not to upset you. I'm a step mother to a now 20 year old. I'm a nice person! Just in regards to "Brigit's lasagne" above, it may sting you very badly OP that your kids warm to another woman, and actually like her, a lot. But if that's the case, then it's safe to say that she is being nice to your children. I have no doubt it hurts the mother for their child to warm to another "mother figure", but you should take positives from it. Chances are she's just a normal woman. Who happens to be going out with a man with children. If you're bright and breezy about it, your children will be more relaxed and accepting of it. Particularly the younger one.

CaraMay

You have the chance to be a great mother and role model here.

I was in the new girlfriends spot and thankful the kids mum was the bigger person. We will never be friends but we always pass ourselves and chat etc when the kids are there. She doesn't criticise us in from of them and visa versa.

This is a very important step for the kids as they will sooner or later have to deal with you or their dad having a long term partner. Teach them how to handle it well as it will set them up well for all relationships in their lives

country gal

notjustsweet wrote: »

I think you have to remember they are not just your children, they are his too and if he's in a serious relationship they will have to meet her- though he's told you its not at that stage yet.

I'm not sure what you think you could do, you can't control his relationships and it sounds like he's trying to do the right thing and not introduce them too soon. If you try to stop him introducing her to them you'll bring problems and arguements into the equation.

I'd suggest you trust their father has their best interests at heart, i hope you are explaining to your children no one is at fault and they shouldn't be picking sides.

I do see the kids as his as well we have joint custody their with me 80% of the time, their dad still calls to house daily even if its only gor 20 minutes, since we split we have been doing this, we do every thing in the best interest of the children, thats why he is waiting to introduce the new woman, if things get serious. I know the lady she is nice and ife no problems if the time comes for any lady to meet the kids abd ex knows this. It's just after last jan trying to get the youngest over the acute anxiety and stress he suffered im afraid it will impact on him the same way, it s awful seeing your child in that state his body used to go into seizures he got so vad and it was happening in both our houses.

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

How would you deal with the situation if it was you who had the new partner. And, more importantly, what are you doing to stop your child blaming her father for leaving?

Im not even considering going near a man again, just know just over 2 years is still to me, to soon to get out and about, im so concerned that my youngest will react to anyone of us having a relationship as he was so stressed and had acute anxiety last jan and didnt get to school for 14 weeks fully, aftr that and is still attending barnardos on a one to one basis im lucky to get out every 8 weeks with my friends that are al settled so were would i meet anybody if i did want to, the ex is out all the time, but thats life, hes to get on with his own. As for my 14 year old still blaming her dadfy, I do suoport her into having a relationship with her father and her dad sees me doing it, I make sure she comes into see her dad when he calks to the home, to ring him if he doesn't even to say goodnight she has her own phone, which always has frefit and I never ask how he calls go either as I like to gice them their own privacy. Thanks for the reply.

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

My advice is accept you are seperated and he is entitled to see other people and be mature and supportive to your ex partner and your kids.

If you make an issue out of it you force the kids to take sides and cause trauma.

Thanks for the reply ive accepted were seperated and he has his own life as ive mine, im not going to make a issue of it and if it ever comes a time they meet her that what we wil deal with, I do know the woman and ive told my ex that and I do find hr a pleasent lady, my main concern is my youngest he has stress and acute anxiety last jan was out of school 14 weeks still doing one on one, it was heart breeaking seeing him go through it and im afraid it would set him back, and as for my 14 year old she srill blames dad, her dad dose see me trying to get her to meet him half way.

njs030

Op what do you want to do?
On one hand you're saying your fine with it but then on the other hand your saying it will be bad for the children.

I understand your child has had problems, maybe talking to his counsellor and asking him/her how to proceed would be a good idea.

Have you discussed this with your ex? What did he say?

country gal

PressRun wrote: »

It sounds like he's trying to handle it as delicately as possible, to be fair. As long as he's not expecting the children to accept this woman as another mother-figure, or even expecting them to be warm with her off the bat (these things take time, especially with younger children who may still be grappling with the separation), then there isn't much more he can do. I understand being worried about your children and wanting to protect them, especially if the separation was very difficult and stressful for them, but there has to be an acceptance of the fact somewhere down the line that there may be new people coming into the picture now that you've gone your separate ways with your ex-husband.

Have your children seen a counselor to talk about some unresolved feelings they may have about the separation? Talking about things like this with a professional could be helpful for them with coming to terms with the upheaval in their lives.

my youngest attended the child and adllostents mental health services last jan was diagnosed with stress and acute anxiety, his body used to spasam up when he was very distressed this happened in both houses, it took 14 weeks to get him back to school. He stil attends one on one for this, so I do think if their is a kady added know it might whirl things back to where they were last jan and that would be a negative impact on my son. I know the lady she is nice when the time comesnoll support this for the kids and ex im just so worried gor kids. Thamks gor the reply.

notjustsweet wrote: »

I think you have to remember they are not just your children, they are his too and if he's in a serious relationship they will have to meet her- though he's told you its not at that stage yet.

I'm not sure what you think you could do, you can't control his relationships and it sounds like he's trying to do the right thing and not introduce them too soon. If you try to stop him introducing her to them you'll bring problems and arguements into the equation.

I'd suggest you trust their father has their best interests at heart, i hope you are explaining to your children no one is at fault and they shouldn't be picking sides.

I do see the kids as his as well we have joint custody their with me 80% of the time, their dad still calls to house daily even if its only gor 20 minutes, since we split we have been doing this, we do every thing in the best interest of the children, thats why he is waiting to introduce the new woman, if things get serious. I know the lady she is nice and ife no problems if the time comes for any lady to meet the kids abd ex knows this. It's just after last jan trying to get the youngest over the acute anxiety and stress he suffered im afraid it will impact on him the same way, it s awful seeing your child in that state his body used to go into seizures he got so vad and it was happening in both our houses.

iusedtoknow wrote: »

They will react based on how you react. It won't be easy, but you have to be at least neutral with and about her when it comes to the kids, do not let your personal feelings about your ex or indeed her affect them. Your ex has the right to a relationship with his kids, and he also has the right to a romantic relationship - the two are not exclusive.

Remember, they are his kids as well - you can set a good precedent for the future now in how you deal with your kids and with your ex.

Im going to react positive, as ive been trying this since we split to be positive about all the changes in the family and so dose ex we never go of talking away rrom kids we talk openly and if their has to be something the kids dont need yo know we will arrange that on phone when nobody is around, my feelings for him is parked in a box, I actually know the lady she is nice, it's just the upset he youngest went through last jan that im afraid of coming vack, he still attends one on one ex knows all about this as well.

LegacyUser

How is your son now? Your ex isn't planning on introducing them anytime soon. It's been nearly 12 months since your son started his counselling. He should be going better now with his coping skills. He's also a little bit older, and the separation is now more 'established'.

You say you're ok with it, yet say you think 2 years is far too soon. I can sense from your posts that you're really trying to be ok with everything, but you're really not. And that's ok. It's ok tp not be ready to move on yourself. It's ok to focus your attention on your children. And yes, you have the children 80% of the time, so your social life is going to be much much quieter than your ex's, who is effectively free 80% of the time.

Have you been to counselling yourself? It sounds like you are a concerned mother, who really just wants the best for her children. But when you're looking after them, is anyone looking after you? You may feel you can handle it, and you don't need help, but what harm can it do to sit and talk to a neutral person about all of this. Someone who can help you make sense of your feelings, how your children are affected etc.

Time moves on. Your children won't be young forever. They will adjust, and will move on and be ok. You have to think about yourself sometime, too.

country gal

Shrap wrote: »

Was going to say exactly that. Children will take their cues on how to react from their nearest and dearest. I would expect that if you were to be determined to show willing to get along with her and support their relationship in a "isn't it great that your Dad has met someone so nice?" kind of way, then that is certainly what your 9 yr old will benefit from. Your teen girl, perhaps not so much, but you could talk to her in a more adult fashion by approaching her about "trying her best" to get along with this woman, for the sake of family peace and her brother's sense of security. Show her that this is the attitude you expect from her.

No matter what your personal feelings are about this woman when you meet her, you should rise above them and make damn sure that nothing negative about her or their relationship is indicated by you around your kids. I've been there, a few times. You will need to prepare yourself for the fact that your kids will have a relationship with her too and may in fact like her very much. You may feel a bit shaken then, as their mother (I remember being fairly taken aback, but didn't let on, when my eldest said how "Brigit's lasagne is AMAZING Mum!!" - funny how these things can floor you ).

Preparing yourself for this relationship and how you will deal with it is the best way to help your kids through it.

I know the woman, and she is a pleasent lady, im not going to be the ex that despised this relationship, as ill have to be the better woman to show our kids that hese things happen, im worried anout thekids the youngest attented the child mental health services last jan as he didn't ho to school for 14 weeks he suffered stress and acute anxiety this was happening in both homes he was distressed about the separation and he has dylexia and was finding school hard aswell, I just dont want to go back dawn that road he attends one on one still for this, the woman has 2 kids 17 and 13 what happens if kids get to know them and it fizzles out, as when I met my ex I had a 21 month old baby he was his only father figure in his life as my son hasnt met his real father, but when we split my son was just 16 the ex didnt want anything to do with him after been his father for 14 and a half years, my daughter judt wont come around to anything my ex dose see me trying to get her to see her dad, these are my worries for the kids as I know ive to be mature about this and show kids it might be a positive thing in their lives.

Rubberchikken wrote: »

for the sakes of your children, keep any opinions of this woman or subsequent women from them. lie if you have to, definitely just speak in a neutral way about them as a last resort.
he's their dad and while he may have left, and you were probably hurt, and still may be, it would be better for them if you only say good things.
i know it sounds daft, and i realise i'm not putting this together well, but if you want their relationship with their dad to improve, and it can in time, then it needs you to really work hard at helping them.

i'm sorry your son suffered from anxiety due to the seperation and that you're daughter feels her dad is to blame, but if this is compounded by negativity on your part, these things will worsen.

he has been fair in so far as he has mentioned this woman and what stage of a relationship they are at.
take care

thanks for the reply, since our split ive never been negitive about the situation, even when he tried to taje kids off me 16 months ago, I hated him then that was about 12 minths after split, but never expressed this around yhe children, as I outup a front gor the kids of a positive obe about the situation, we went to court and he didnt get custody they were out with me 80% of the time and he see yhem the rest, he even still calls out 20 minutes each day yo see kids, they see us getting on its uust im afraid this wil set ov my youngest son to where he was last jan
Got it sorted

LegoFriends wrote: »

As already mentioned, your children will take their cues from you. If you have a problem with it, they will most likely feel they SHOULD have a problem with it, so as not to upset you. I'm a step mother to a now 20 year old. I'm a nice person! Just in regards to "Brigit's lasagne" above, it may sting you very badly OP that your kids warm to another woman, and actually like her, a lot. But if that's the case, then it's safe to say that she is being nice to your children. I have no doubt it hurts the mother for their child to warm to another "mother figure", but you should take positives from it. Chances are she's just a normal woman. Who happens to be going out with a man with children. If you're bright and breezy about it, your children will be more relaxed and accepting of it. Particularly the younger one.

I actually know the woman ive told my ex id have mo issues with her meeting the kids and if or when that time cones ill supoort the desision, im just do worried about my youngest so as lasth jan he was out of school 14 weeks with stress and acute anxiety he attends the child mental health services still on a one to one basis, think ill make appointment to meet with them separately for some support, I know all stro oarenrs are normal as when I met ny ex I had a 21 month old boy he was in his life for 14 and a half years as his father figure but when we split he hasn't bothered with him that was so hurtful, what hapoens when her kids of 17 and 12 are introduced and if it dosent work out ex could fob these kids off after introduccing them to our kids as what hes done to my eldest son. Thanjs for thereply

LegacyUser

You're asking a lot of 'what ifs'. Don't worry about the what ifs until they happen. If your husband introduces them, and if he introduces them to the children and if they then split up and if your children have built a relationship with her children and if they are upset at not seeing them again, then you and the other mother cam make arrangements for the children to meet up.

You are coming across as quite panicky and anxious. Someone told me the other day 'thoughts are not facts'. So all the things you are worrying about now, may never actually happen. Take time to step back and just breath. Relax. Things can always be worked out. Solutions to situations can always be found.

Taltos

Mod Note
OP (country_gal) - not sure if you are using an add on or something but each of your posts is appearing multiple times.
Please only submit or post your replies once as it creates clean up activities for the mods and should this continue we'll close this thread.

Similarly you can use the multi-quote tool to reply to more than one post at a time.
Use the +" symbol by each post you wish to reply to and when all are selected just select Quote. Saying that though, there's no real need to quote full posts as this makes mobile contributors frustrated having to scroll through the same text repeatedly.

Thanks
Taltos

zeffabelli

Worry about this when it actually happens. If it happens.

This is fantastical speculation.

LegacyUser

It's also worth realising that her kids are teenagers, presumably with phones/tablets/access to social media. Your eldest girl is a teenager, presumably with a phone/tablet/access to social media. Your youngest will grow up to be a teenager in a few short years with a phone/tablet/access to social media. They won't be young kids who need their parents to maintain their friendships for them by organising "play dates". They will be more than capable of staying in touch with each other just like any of their other friends. That's of course assuming they get along in the first place and all become friends.

You have enough to be doing at the moment with worrying about what's actually happening, without filling your head with future problems that might never happen. Concentrate on today.

country gal

I had this up about 3 weeks ago, ex told me he was seeing someone and when it got serious he would then tell kids, ten days later last friday night he arrived out said he was seeing a woman, was after been on afew dates he wanted yo tell them himself incase someone seen them or said it out of anger, that was getting at me i just let it go.My 14 year old got extremely upset about this said shel never speck to her daddy again, i even said i know the lady and she is nice, daughter said she didnt care who she was, i was just trying to help the situation, she still blames him for walking out 2 and a half years ago. He had a very bad relationship with her before he said this he told her nothing would change between them, last night he said he cant have them next friday night as normal as hes plans sure thats changing stuff with her already. The youngest that I was worried is not saying much his daddy talked to him last weekend while he had him and hes content. So lm not going yo adk 9 year old about their conversation as I think thats the mature thing to do incase it upsets them. He sister contacted me during week to see how daughter was as ex told her last Thursday about this new woman, his sister believes he shouldnt of told the kids as he only see this lady afew times I agreed with her I told her what he said about me saying it out of anger, she couldnt believe he said that to kids as she knows over the last 2 and a half years ive never said anything against their daddy to upset them and why would I know especially causing hurt to them if I lashed out that way. My daughter sat in car yesterday evening outside his rented house and wouldn't come in, I was told to tell her that she'd have to basically except his life and get over it, he texted today cant have them this evening, daughter wasnt going to go, ive even told her that her daddy could insist as its part of a court access order, that she stay with him, I'm not stopping her from going to him she wont go and stay and still very upset. I want to encourage her to talk to her daddy, shes a very upset 14 year old

Stheno

OP, I've moved your thread to Relationship Issues, probably a better forum for it than Seperation and Divorce.

New charter applies.

Nabber

Why does your daughter blame him for leaving the home?

If your daughter already had a bad relationship with her daddy, then I don't think waiting a month or a year would have made a difference.

Also the post was not an easy read.

njs030

Nabber wrote: »

Why does your daughter blame him for leaving the home?

If your daughter already had a bad relationship with her daddy, then I don't think waiting a month or a year would have made a difference.

Also the post was not an easy read.

Agree, maybe someone could add paragraphs to make it easier? No offence op it's just when it's hard to read less people can help.

I remember your previous post and the overwhelming advice was to stop stressing about things you can't control.
Your daughter's relationship with her dad is between them, as long as you've made it clear you don't mind him having a new relationship let them work it out. You said before you don't blame him to your children so it's not your fault!

If she doesn't want to see him no-one can force her, if I remember correctly from your post he spends time in your house anyway doesn't he? So she has the opportunity to see him if she wants.

Maybe some counselling would help her, you might benefit from some yourself as you're clearly very anxious and unsure.

Rubberchikken

maybe for the moment you'll have to respect the fact that your daughter doesn't want to spend time with her dad.
a cooling off period mightn't be the worse thing.
can you imagine how you'd feel if you were forced to spend time with someone you were angry with?

she doesn't hate him. deep down i'm willing to guess she does love him, but at 14 she's old enough to realise what has happened, and the impact it's having on her life and her family's.

give her time. encourage him to always acknowledge her if he meets her. speak well about him no matter how much it might annoy you to. mostly give her time and listen to her. acknowledge her anger and hurt. don't sweep it away. she's entitled to these feelings.
if you feel it's not getting any better in time, she might find it helpful to speak to a professional.

try to see it from her point of view. yeah she 14 and has all these feelings and while she may sometimes feel and think she's grown up, inside she's still a kid and one that's hurting.
best of luck

LegacyUser

Has your daughter ever had any counselling to deal with the separation? You mention your son, and how upset he was and how much help you got for him, but was anything similar done for your daughter? Just because she didn't have the panic attacks and anxiety that your son experienced doesn't mean she was handling it well. From what you say she hasn't handled it at all. She may have also felt abandoned or sidelined in favour of her brother who took up a lot of the attention.

I'm not suggesting this was deliberate on anyone's part. Obviously the child with the perceived more needs tends to get concentrated on more than the child who seems to be not so bad. At 12, 13, 14 she has all sorts of emotions going on. It's a terribly difficult time for any child. Add in the extra stresses that your daughter is under and the poor child must feel like she's going to explode.

It might be worth looking into some sort of group or counselling for her. Ask her school about Rainbows, maybe.

Your ex will live his life, and yes, he will move on. You have no control over that. You'd hope he wouldn't neglect his children in favour of his new life, but again, if he does you can't do much about it. Just get your children as much help as they need to get through this time. You are obviously hurting too. So with the best will in the world, you are probably not best placed to be her sole support at this time. Counseling would benefit each of you immensely. It would give you all a safe space to get things out of your heads. And it should also give you guidelines on how best to relate to each other too.