Exclusion from wedding party

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this as I think it portrays me in a light.

I have a group of friends, all friendly since secondary school. As it happens over time, some of those in the group have splintered off, some have gone completely. But one of those friends, lets call her Beth, is someone I have been friends with since we were 2. Best of friends growing up, drifted apart a little in our 20's but always had fun and chats when we got together.

We merged in to the bigger group at secondary school.

The oldest friend got engaged a while back but is only now organising the wedding for a couple of months time. Problem is, she asked one of our mutual friends to be maid of honour. Lets call her Linda. It really threw me as I didn't think they were that close. I also didn't expect any friend to be asked as she has 4 sisters and a lot of close female cousins.
This mutual friend, Linda, that was asked is great, but very fickle and always had a serious grá for Beth. Always sucked up to her, agreed with everything she said and was always quite competitive with me regarding their friendship knowing that we had a long history together. In fact she was the one who told she was asked to be her Maid of Honour. Rang me to tell me very chuffed and a little smug about it.

Its really thrown me for a loop as Beth lived in America for many years so lost touch with everyone and ironically me and Linda got very close. But since Beth is back, Linda has kind of frozen me out.

I feel very betrayed by both. I asked both to be bridesmaid for me. I honestly woudn't have minded not being asked, as I said I wasn't expecting to be. But I also wasn't expecting any other friend to be asked either.

I now am dreading the hen as Linda will no doubt be posting all the BFF pictures on Facebook and lauding it up on the hen and the wedding, while I'll be there with a smile painted on my face but feeling very hurt and bitter.
I feel like a horrible and petty person for feeling like this but its really hurt me.

What should I do?

pookie82

Lord, weddings and wedding party appointments really do bring out the worst in people, don't they?

I suppose you have a right to be hurt, but you're being a little petulant about it.

Beth chose Linda. Beth had a right to choose Linda. She was under no obligation to choose you. Linda is delighted and gloating. She sounds as bad as you do, tbh.

You can't say anything, as it's not your choice. Go to the hen and the wedding. Smile through the photos. Unfollow them on FB (unfollow, not unfriend) so you don't have to see all the gloating.

After the wedding, if you're really that hurt and feel undervalued by Beth and Linda, maybe it's time to find closer friends and let them have each other. You say you didn't realise they were that close, but clearly they are. Maybe they hang out and chat unbeknowst to you and have a strong connection. You can't control that, I'm afraid.

I wouldn't make any hurt known to the bride, to be honest. You'll only come off looking petty and putting more stress on her at the most stressful time in her life. I've seen this happen amongst friends, to the extent that a "pity bridesmaid" was added to one bridal party months after the original appointments to save a friendship. But in the end it came off looking awkward and odd and the damage was already done.

Rubberchikken

it must hurt to be treated like that.
for whatever reason your friend has chosen this other friend. you can make yourself attend hen/wedding in good grace and try not to let it get to you or you could choose not to attend them.
either way, try not to give it too much attention. in the grand scheme it's not worth your energy.
take care

LegacyUser

I agree with the other poster weddings bring out the worst in people.
I can't understand why people get so put out when they are not asked to be a bridesmaid/ maid of honour.
Lots of my friends have been bridesmaids and maids of honour and to be honest I can't think of anything worse, you spend the months and weeks in the lead up to the wedding organising stuff with the bride, dress shopping, shoes, make up, hen organising and then on the day you spend your time running around after everybody Maybe that is something you enjoy ? But at least by not being asked you can go to the hen, go the wedding have a great time and not have to deal with all stresses of wedding organisation.

December2012

Homestly I think you're over reacting and need to swallow your pride.

This is not a betrayal. Their friendship is their own business, not yours.

Go to the hen, be happy for your friends, enjoy yourself.

And if you cannot shake off your feelings of betrayal and control then look at your life and try to figure out why you're feeling so jealous.

jimd2

<SNIP>

Is it Beth that is getting married and chose Linda as MOH or someone else?

Augme

I think your behaviour is really poor OP. You sound like a spoilt child having a tantrum. If Beth wants to pick Linda as her maid of honour then that's her business and not yours. I'm not even sure why you a bitter and upset about it. Do you think just because you knew her for longer that you should have been picked? That seems like a ridiculous attitude.

while I'll be there with a smile painted on my face but feeling very hurt and bitter.

Just a point on this. I often find people think they are brilliant and hiding their emotions behind a painted on smile but they generally never are. It's nearly always obvious when someone is pissed off and pretending not be. I'm sure there have been other times you behaved with a painted on smile but Beth and company have seen through it. Very few people would want a maid of honour who's petty, jealous and extremely selfish so maybe that's the reason she didn't pick you as Maid of Honour.


This is one of your good friends weddings, a time of a lot of stress but also great happiness and the biggest worry on your mind is having to look at the Hen photos on facebook? Jesus wept. I mean, do you actually give a **** about your friend Beth and her happiness for HER wedding and hen? You seriously need to take a long hard look at your attitude in my opinion.

Addle

BadFriend wrote:

I also didn't expect any friend to be asked as she has 4 sisters and a lot of close female cousins.

You put an awful lot of unnecessary thought into it all op.
'Expectation is the root of all heartache.'

LegacyUser

Thanks all for your messages. Like I said in the post, I know it doesn't paint me in a good light and I wish it didn't make me feel the way it does.

Augme - Ouch. That post was tough. I'm sure well deserved though.

I'm sure it probably all stems from jealousy. But I think it hurts because from my perspective, it looks like I thought we were better friends than we actually are and that does sting.

I know I just have to suck it up and get on with it.

skallywag

BadFriend wrote: »

I honestly woudn't have minded not being asked, as I said I wasn't expecting to be. But I also wasn't expecting any other friend to be asked either.

So you would not mind not being asked as long as none of your other friends were asked either?

Gee OP, I really think you need to step back here and have a rethink. I don't mean any disrespect, but that sounds to me like the reasoning of a 15 year old.

HelgaWard

I understand why you feel hurt and left out. But you have no control over who your friends pick to be bridesmaid or maid of honor. All you can control now is your reaction to this news. If you react badly or feel bitter about it and try to hide it, you will come off badly and possibly effect your friendship with the two girls. Try and be the bigger person, I know it's not easy, but just accept the situation as it is, choose to let go of the negative thoughts you have about it, and allow yourself to move on. Sing 'Let it go' to yourself if that helps!! You weren't expecting to be bridesmaid in the first place and you are not so nothing has really changed.

Try and support your friend(s) in the run up to hen & wedding, offer help, have fun, enjoy these special moments. In no time at all ye will all have a troup of smallies, there will be frig all hen weekends away, crazy nights out, really fun weddings, so don't ruin this one by allowing yourself to be bitter.
Best of luck!

CaraMay

Op you dint seem to be taking the points on board. 'Suck it up and get on with it'???? Come on will you. You are beungbtitally ridiculous and it's this kind of bs carry on that wrecks weddings and friendships. There's no sucking it up. You are the only one in the wrong.

Augme

BadFriend wrote: »

Thanks all for your messages. Like I said in the post, I know it doesn't paint me in a good light and I wish it didn't make me feel the way it does.

Augme - Ouch. That post was tough. I'm sure well deserved though.

I'm sure it probably all stems from jealousy. But I think it hurts because from my perspective, it looks like I thought we were better friends than we actually are and that does sting.

I know I just have to suck it up and get on with it.

I don't advise just "sucking it up and getting on with it". If it stems from jealousy then it's a deeper problem that isn't going to go away. Being a jealous person is about as unattractive as it can get. Why not try and figue out why/what makes you jealous? If you can't figure it out with yourself I'd recommend talking to a professional who might be able to help.

LegacyUser

I can't understand how hurt you feel, because I would hate to be involved in the organising or drama of a wedding. So we have completly different perspectives OP.

Having said that, I still think you are utterly in the wrong: past friendships / thinking friend x is a better friend than y / measuring that against weddings. Sshheehh. I'd find that way too much work to continue, if I were your friend. I'd find your jealousy really corrosive, and I'd be rethinking the friendship.

It comes across like you value how the friendship is seen by others (I wasn't valued enough!) v how healthy is your friendship. I genuinely think you are really so far in the wrong, and you need to fix that. And not in a 'oh I need to play nice and look good way'. I really believe that you have possessive / jealousy issues that you need to deal with. Pretending to play nice is just a sticking plaster.

LegacyUser

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh on you, OP. You've come here with something that has affected you and basically been attacked for feeling upset over something. Everyone is affected to varying degrees by different things. Some of the posters who told you to "get over it" might be more affected by something else, that wouldn't knock a spot off you. Just because it wouldn't bother some doesn't mean you shouldn't be upset by it.

In saying all that, who knows why Beth chose Linda? People choose their bridal party for any number of reasons. Sometimes they choose the people they're closest to. Sometimes they choose the path of least resistance! Maybe it was easier for Beth to ask Linda than not! From your post you don't seem all that fond of Linda. Saying she'll be swanning around the hen and wedding, lording it over you etc... Yet you asked her to be your bridesmaid? If she was a genuine friend you'd be happy for her, and offer to help with anything she needs. I completely get why you'd be upset that you've been friends with Beth for a lot longer, and you feel you are closer friends. I also understand what you meant about not expecting to be asked (because of all the sisters and cousins) but didn't expect amy of the other friends to be asked either (because of all the sisters and cousins!)

It is ok to feel a bit disappointed. I think a lot of people would feel similar in your shoes (although they might think twice about saying it out loud around here ) but as you say yourself you do need to get over it. Smile at Linda whenever she starts going on about it, and be grateful of the small mercy that you don't have to organise stuff with her!

Exclamation Marc

BadFriend wrote: »

It really threw me as I didn't think they were that close. I also didn't expect any friend to be asked as she has 4 sisters and a lot of close female cousins.
This mutual friend, Linda, that was asked is great, but very fickle and always had a serious grá for Beth.

Maybe they're just better friends than you thought they were.

I get that you're disappointed and that's fine, but you've no real idea about anyone else's friendship.

banoffe2

I can understand how you are shocked, and hurt, you are normal and your response IMO is normal and human. We learn every day and expectations can be a great let down, the only one we can truly rely on is ourselves. Try your best not to allow it take over your head as these things can be all consuming and a terrible waste of energy when we could invest our thoughts and energy into something more productive and good for our emotional well being, in time you will accept this, powerlessness is difficult as is inaction.

Sounds like you are feeling your feelings but they will pass, and you will heal and become a stronger and wiser person. Try to focus on your own thoughts and behaviour and away from the best friends and you will be the better for it. Be good to yourself, and remember how other people behave and choose doesn't define who we are.

Hope you have a good day at the wedding X

LegacyUser

I absolutely get where you are coming from OP, and its ok to feel like this (upset and confused). I think posters here have been very harsh on you.

I was in a situation like this a few years ago. A friend of mine got engaged. Delighted for her. We spent years travelling together, ups and downs, good times, bad times. And the day of the wedding, she asked 2 friends out of 3 of us, to do a reading. I was just left sitting there. One of the girls even asked me "why is your name not in the booklet?"

I had to suck it up quickly. Yes, she choose who she wants. And obviously the other 2 were better friends to her. But the result of it was in my mind, I down graded the friendship. I didn't want to (she was special to me, but not vice versa). And a friendship cant thrive on that. It brought up some start realisations. And that is what you've to process now. She might think you are great in many many ways, but the other girl is to her a better friend.

LegacyUser

Can't say that I understand at all where you're coming from on this OP, but surely if you have a problem with someone, it should be with the bride, not the people she has chosen to be in the wedding party? Like how is it their fault that you feel slighted? (Well it's not the brides fault either, that you've decided to react this way, but it would be a bit more rational to be put out by her, as she's the one making the choices - the BMs are not)

Tbh I think youre out of order feeling slighted at all, but you and I think differently. And that's ok. But I do think you are v much out of order resenting the people who the bride picked, as her choices, to be in the wedding party. I do think you're being v unreasonable there.

ongarboy

getwhereyouarecomingfrom wrote: »

I absolutely get where you are coming from OP, and its ok to feel like this (upset and confused). I think posters here have been very harsh on you.

I was in a situation like this a few years ago. A friend of mine got engaged. Delighted for her. We spent years travelling together, ups and downs, good times, bad times. And the day of the wedding, she asked 2 friends out of 3 of us, to do a reading. I was just left sitting there. One of the girls even asked me "why is your name not in the booklet?"

You'd really terminate or question a friendship because they didn't ask you to do what was going to be a limited number of readings or bidding prayers? Maybe she or the groom had other siblings, relatives or some of his closest friends that also needed to be considered. Should they have created an extra reading just so every "good" friend was accommodated? Not sure, I'd care to have a friend who places such fickle benchmarks on what constitutes real friendship.

I can't help reading from OP that her view of friendship is "What's in it for me?". I wouldn't want friends like that either. OP will continue to be disappointed with life and having to unnecessarily "suck it up" if she has that inflated sense of entitlement and narcissism with all the other such equally trivial challenges that are thrown at her daily. I've heard of bridezilla. Is there such a word as guestzilla?

beks101

I really don't understand the politics and aggro surrounding wedding party decisions like this. If it were me, I'd be more relieved that I wouldn't have the prolonged headache of bridesmaid duties and the hen party organizing and chasing people for money and RSVPs and bowing to the bride's every whim for the next 12 months and the bloody expense of it all. The bridesmaid gig is hard bloody work!

The thing is OP, you'll never really know what the bride's motives are. Maybe her and Linda have some deep bond that you weren't aware of or maybe she feels indebted to Linda for some reason you're not privy to or maybe Linda's having a hard time right now and your mate decided she could do with the boost or maybe Linda has these great organizational skills that your mate wants to borrow or maybe your mate is aware that Linda will kick off far more than anyone else would etc etc etc. D'you get what I mean?

I think you should really stop comparing and contrasting and competing with other women in your friendships too. I know you're hurt, but this "she's not even friends with her" and "she sucks up to her" is a bit bloody school playground, don't you think? It's like you're stuck in some sort of Mean Girls bubble that harps back to your school days. The thing is though, you're not a teenager anymore and your friendships should be measured on more important things than "but I picked YOU" and "but I'M friends with you LONGER" etc.
Who cares about what Linda means to your friend? What does your friend mean to you? Is she someone you can call in your hour of need? Do you trust her? Do you enjoy each other's company? Linda is largely irrelevant, and you need to get this one upmanship thing out of your head. If she's silently gloating about being bridesmaid, I'd personally feel a bit sorry for her. Is she twelve, like? Does she have other things going on in her life?

Sunny Dayz

I think who a bride chooses as her bridesmaid(s) has no real bearing on actual relations or friendships. I chose my sister as my bridesmaid, we aren't particularly close, I have just the one sister so it made life easy to pick her. But it did bring us all a bit closer: myself, her and our mum.


A friend was picked to be bridesmaid by her sister's friend (she was friends with her too but not that close). We still think she had asked my friend cos she had also asked her sister and they looked good together in photos!

Xterminator

OP - in your original post you have not expressed any joy for your friend getting married, no happiness at all. Instead you seem to focus on the negative. Eg "i feel betrayed" and "i am dreading" etc.

I would suggest that it is perfectly normal to wonder why your close friend may not have picked you. But in your case perhaps you are focusing on the negative feelings ignoring any positives and this is causing you to feel very negative about the whole event.

An event where you will be celebrating a happy event with a close friend! It can still be a very enjoyable event, and you wont have to stress about your duties or organizing etc. You can relax and have fun.

You need to change your mindset. Don't focus on the negative. Ask yourself why it has caused you to feel this way. Write a list of things that you like about your friend(s) and remind yourself of the positives.

As mentioned even if its not intentional you may be giving out bad vibes to the bridal party unintentionally if you do attend with your current mindset. and i assume that is something you would not like to do ?

makeandcreate

getwhereyouarecomingfrom wrote: »

I absolutely get where you are coming from OP, and its ok to feel like this (upset and confused). I think posters here have been very harsh on you.

I was in a situation like this a few years ago. A friend of mine got engaged. Delighted for her. We spent years travelling together, ups and downs, good times, bad times. And the day of the wedding, she asked 2 friends out of 3 of us, to do a reading. I was just left sitting there. One of the girls even asked me "why is your name not in the booklet?"

I had to suck it up quickly. Yes, she choose who she wants. And obviously the other 2 were better friends to her. But the result of it was in my mind, I down graded the friendship. I didn't want to (she was special to me, but not vice versa). And a friendship cant thrive on that. It brought up some start realisations. And that is what you've to process now. She might think you are great in many many ways, but the other girl is to her a better friend.

I don't get the logic here, when my best friend got married she asked 3 other people (1 sister, one old friend and one work colleague) to be her BM s and others to do the reading. Had she asked, I would have felt obliged to say yes, I did other stuff I liked doing to be involved in the run up to the wedding.
Not for one moment was I upset or offended, she knew me more than anyone and knew I would hate all the fuss and attention of being a BM and that I would shake like a leaf put on the spot doing a reading.
Did not enter my head to downgrade our friendship.

castle

I have read your post and fail to see where you even come into the equation to be honest, you have not been mistreated or been let down in anyway. try be happy for her and if you are a true friend ask her is there any help she made need for her very special day . You have a choice to feel sorry for yourself as is your right but I don't see how you come to that but you do and I respect that. But I believe you should show charterer now and focus on been her friend.
Life is to short for this drama .

MarcusP12

hello there, I came across this thread and took an interest as it resonated with a similar experience I had. Having scanned through the replies I've decided to weigh in not only to give my own humble advice but also to defend the OP's right to be p-ed off, at least temporarily.

I found many replies, whilst obviously well meaning, to be overly harsh and in some cases judgemental. No one is disputing the right of the friend to choose their own wedding party but in my opinion the OP is perfectly entitled to feel hard done by also. Some people seem to be struggling with the idea of being involved in the wedding party as being something important to a friendship. The reality is, it is one of the few ways which someone can put you up on a pedestal above all other friends, e.g. godparent, best man, groomsman, bride maid, etc. Its an honour to be asked and confirms a special bond, when the opportunity arises. My longest and best friend (my best man at our wedding) had a small wedding party with his brother as best man and no other groomsman. But he asked me to do a prayer of the faithful. A small role but as the only non family member with an official role, I was honoured.

My own experience is similar to the OPs. Have a friend (we've drifted a bit in recent years for geographical reasons more the anything else), who I went to school with, did the same degree and masters and started our careers in the same firm. We were inseparable to the point of being a joke amongst our social group. I probably wasn't his best friend but I reckoned we were very close or so I thought at the time. He was a very popular guy (amongst ourselves and the ladies) so I think I was "seduced" by being a good buddy into thinking I was more relevant that I actually was. I remember coming back after the summer of 1st year in college and asking what he did for the summer. He was abroad with a couple of the lads and it was the 1st I heard of it. We had literally spent every day in college together. I later learned that he'd pretty much gone out every week in 1st year with a mutual mate and never once asked me along (as a slow starter I could have done with the encouragement!). This kind of pattern continued right throughout college and beyond but I overlooked a lot as my social life took off by being his mate so things were going well. It suited me at the time and at the end of the day it was my social group and we had good times. Then he got married. I didn't get a look in for any official role, bro was BM and 2 of the lads (who I was also good mates with since) he met in college during the summers away which I was excluded from got the nod as groomsmen. To add insult to my injury, he asked me to drive him to the wedding. Sounds like an honour but knowing him, he was too tight to shell out for one and I was literally the only mate with a good car that would be in any way suitable. I kept a brave face, had the champagne etc and did the role with a smile on my face but inside I was disappointed. I felt used as I always had been (notes in college, help with assignments). He didn't even mention or thank me in his speech. Fast forward a couple of years to my own wedding and in the interest of balance between college and work mates (who I was now closer to) I asked him to be one of my groomsmen. I thought it was the right thing to do but have since regretted it as I picked him over another mate who has always been there for me but would be as "cool". I was being political instead of just doing what I wanted (which may have been what the OP's friend has done). Since then we've drifted. He hasn't made an effort to see my kids (I did with him) and he often gets in touch at the last minute for a coffee when he's home which I have started to ignore after seeing that he's making efforts to meet the other lads for pints etc, without including me.

Sorry, didn't mean to divulge so much but the context is important to the advice I would give. Basically what I learnt from that is that some friends are built on weak foundations. In my case it was my insecurities and lack of confidence. The friendship was more important to me than him and that's fine. As you get older, with life experience and as your priorities change you are better placed to identify the real meaningful friendships from the superficial ones. I'm not suggesting that the OPs friendship is superficial but she should be able to reflect on this experience and re-evaluate it. What I've learnt is that it is better to have a smaller circle of really good reliable friends then a wider circle of lesser friends. It gets harder and harder to keep up with friendships so its best to filter the ones which are mutually rewarding and balanced and which are based on long term things like honest, respect, shared interests, etc, rather than being good craic to go for pints with for example. The friendship the OP has with her friend doesn't have to end or change dramatically, she just needs to decide how important it really is. Is it a case that she's putting too much effort into it at the expense of another friend who has always been there for her. Just something for the OP to think about.....

Apologies for the long reply!

banoffe2

I agree with Marcus P12 that it takes time to learn from experience who our friends are, its at special times both good and bad that we know who our friends are. This can be a very rude awakening as is for the OP and indeed very disappointing and hurtful, bearing in mind that we all have free will including the bride to make her choices regarding who she wants by her side on her wedding day, we know that only too well, but I understand how the OP feels hurt and left out, that is the nature of being human.

I felt like I was a passenger with you both in the car getting your assumed friend to the church on time Marcus P12, I admire you for what you have done as this says a lot about who you are, your values and what you stand for, have not regrets as you did what you thought was best at the time, if it suits you to meet him you can do as you please I find it helps me better to move on and gets rid of any resentment of bitterness that might fester. Without casting judgement the situation is typical of the opportunist who has excelled at the skill of landing on their feet no matter how they get there.

I had a similar experience some years ago with a person I met through a hobby, we were good friends but wouldn't have been socialising together or anything like that. As it turned out I was of great benefit to her in a challenging domestic situation she had at the time, I know I was a great source of comfort and support to her, this arrangement changed when why work situation changed so the friendship kind of distanced very much, with the exception of the odd call or text. Cant say I missed it. I quickly established that the calls I received from this person were all for her own self gain, knowing that I was a good listener, dumped all the gorey details on me and no concept for time once it was comforting her. She would admit that she always felt better after talking to me.

Move forward 2 years later I lost my brother to suicide and mother rip of a broken heart a few months later. Not a word from the so called friend and despite giving her the benefit of the doubt we don't live in the same place, I told her about the bereavements during the next tel chat at the end of year.

No visit, or card or any trace of concern, to be honest it didn't bother me as I had bigger challenges on my shoulders at the time. Around a year and a bit later I got a phone call from her during the day which was unusual, all nice and friendly, said she was in the area and would love to meet up if it suited me. I was fooled for the last time thinking that this was about me, as it turned out she was in the area at a sad funeral to support a friend of hers, she didn't know the deceased at all.

I went along and spent 3.5 hours listening to her telling me about the sad funeral of her friends friend, this was the starter and took about 20 minutes, then after that I got the main course, a full blown graphic account of how her pet dog of 16 years died the week before, it was one way traffic, all the graphic details, of what he said, what the vet said, vet nurse, every Tom, Dick and Harry involved etc, the wake of the dog right down to the burial. Then she looked at her watch and said she had to go and politely said and how are you anyway!!!

What an eye opener, hard to believe, I think it is hard to admit that we have been taken advantage of by self serving people whom we thought were our friends. I learned that this person has huge issues, at least I know and own my own and wouldn't dream of dumping them on her. It is a lousy experience to learn the truth but better late than ever. I can totally empathise with the OP and other posters with similar experiences.
I think as we learn and grow new people come in to our lives that is the beauty of life. learning about our own self worth and boundaries and getting to know others, I seldom meet this person now, the calls have stopped, I think she got the message and I know for a fact she has found another person to fit this role, for the seldom time we are in the same place I can make a friendly gesture, this feels good. OP you will come out of this a stronger and wiser person X

lazza14

I agree, I think people are being harsh here.

I would feel hurt too and would expect must people to, it's a situation where she either should have chosen both of you or neither.

And regards the Facebook stuff, seriously f*ck that phoney virtual world crap ... it's all FALSE !!!

as someone said, unfollow them so you don't have to see the photos appearing.

By default I unfollow everyone on fb, that way it´s a useful tool when needed.

LegacyUser

I understand how you feel now. I was in a similar position with a friend of mine about 10 years ago. I was a good friend to her for years.

One night we were both out and she met this man. They started to go out as a couple. I still made the effort to see and kept in contact with her. About 2 years later she got engaged. At the time I told her that I would get this great dress maker I knew to make her dress and the bridesmaids dresses.

She then asked a relative and a girl she was friendly with for about 4 years to be bridesmaids. I was upset over this but I did not say anything to her. She turned into a total bridezilla before the wedding but I listened to the wedding talk.

The wedding day arrived and the bride maids dress looked like they were made by some one in first year. I heard the brides maid (not relative) complain about all she was expected to do that day and about the poor gift she got. The wedding reception was in a the cheapest place within the 3 towns near us to have a wedding reception. I went to this wedding and at the time I was not working but I still give a decent gift. I then gave this woman a decent gift when she moved into the house both her and her husband built.

A few years later I moved into my home. We were both still friendly with each other but it took her ages to call in to see the house. I was expecting a very decent gift from her. Instead she give me something that would not have cost €25 to buy.
After this I decided that I was not going to make the same effort I made in the past with her. I felt for years I was there to sort out her problems and then listen to how great her life was.

I recently bumped into her after the first time in months. We said we would meet each other as you do and she did text me to meet her after this. I could not met her on this day but I will met up soon when it suits me.
I would agree with other posters here as you get older you realise who your friends are. I had a few people in my past that used me. I had people who just expected me to listen to there problems and go out with them when no one else was around. As I got older and got a few life lessons I gained experience and confidence to know the people that are friends and those that were just aquantances. I now spend time with people who I like and who I know will be there in the good and not so good times.

stickybookmark

getwhereyouarecomingfrom wrote: »

I absolutely get where you are coming from OP, and its ok to feel like this (upset and confused). I think posters here have been very harsh on you.

I was in a situation like this a few years ago. A friend of mine got engaged. Delighted for her. We spent years travelling together, ups and downs, good times, bad times. And the day of the wedding, she asked 2 friends out of 3 of us, to do a reading. I was just left sitting there. One of the girls even asked me "why is your name not in the booklet?"

I had to suck it up quickly. Yes, she choose who she wants. And obviously the other 2 were better friends to her. But the result of it was in my mind, I down graded the friendship. I didn't want to (she was special to me, but not vice versa). And a friendship cant thrive on that. It brought up some start realisations. And that is what you've to process now. She might think you are great in many many ways, but the other girl is to her a better friend.

oh my god the exact same thing happened to me! This is the first time I've ever heard of someone else that this happened to. Like the OP one of my best friends (only since college though) who I would have asked to be bridesmaid (but I wasn't engaged before her wedding) didn't ask me to be bridesmaid. However it was ok because she asked her 2 sisters and her secondary school friend (an older friend than me, fair enough). Then one of her sisters pulled out and she left an uneven number of groomsmen/bridesmaids rather than ask me. Not so ok...was a bit miffed but dismissed the thought out of my head. On the day of the wedding, sitting in the church I started to peruse the mass booklet. Saw other friends were doing prayers of the faithful and readings, then I saw one friend she knew only a few years and nowhere near as close as me got a prayer of the faithful. My name was not on the booklet. I realised suddenly what I'd subconsciously suspected for a while, she had downgraded me. I was still invited to the wedding and my parents and siblings plus partners were invited to the afters (that'll show you what a close friend she was) but I had been downgraded significantly well past bridesmaid, past reading, past prayer of the faithful even. I felt like my insides were being ripped out in the church. I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't face the meal or dancing. I spent the evening in the hotel room crying over the 12 years of friendship, travelling, ups + downs and helping each other through some major life issues that had been. I cried for what we had and what had been lost. I think I got it out of my system.
I personally decided I wasn't interested in the downgraded version of the friendship. We had been way too close and way too much a part of each others lives to accept a C-grade version of what had been. I cut it completely off. I don't regret my decision. It took about a year of mourning - losing a close friend is like a death just like a bad break up of a long term relationship is like a death. But you get over it, you really do. Is she having a religious ceremony OP? Will there be people doing readings/POF? To be honest a reading or a POF would have been enough for me despite being passed over as bridesmaid.
If you want to see the closest and dearest people in someone's life you look to their bridesmaids, groomsmen and the people they choose to take part in their wedding.
By the way Linda doesn't sound like she's being very nice at all about this, she should be sensitive to the fact you weren't chosen, that's really showing a nasty side of her!

PinkLemonade

A friend of mine once joked that she'd be my maid of honour and that if she wasn't at least in the bridal party she'd show up in white to upstage me, until that moment I never questioned her inclusion in my hypothetical wedding, now I don't think I could include her.

I personally think it's very poor form to assume your part of the wedding party, and if you can't be happy for the couple then they probably made the right choice not to include you

LegacyUser

All this talk of "down grading" friendships and rest, will you all cop on! It's a wedding! Someone asking you to or not be part of the wedding is not a sign of how important that friendship is to a person and more a sign of how important those roles are in their wedding ie not that much. I wasn't included in my friends wedding, didn't bother me the least. Yes friends she'd known a shorter period of time then me where included doing readings and what not but do people really care about this stuff? I know this girl is a good friend because when my father died suddenly she drove from the other side of the country without me asking, she had a kid under 8 and her own father sick but she dropped everything and was there for me. I honestly don't know what I would have done had she not come. That's friendship, not dressing up for day or doing a reading.

CaraMay

Yeah I'm getting a lot of the 'I listened to her problems do she owes me' attitude here. Being in the wedding party is ****e. It's a much better day in the congregation IMHO.

bridgettedon

I think the replies here are a tad too harsh. A person can't control if something makes them jealous or upset. They can only control how they react. Something that might cause great offense to one, may not even cross another person's mind as a snub.

OP you can now decide on how to deal with this matter. First of all is it best for you to get upset over this. If it's not then forget about it and focus on having an enjoyable stress free day at the wedding.

If you feel you don't want to continue this friendship then begin to distance yourself from her.

Or you could talk to her about the issue but be prepared to suffer the consequences of this. This is her day and she can chose who she wants in her bridial party, she doesn't have to jusify it to anyone. Who knows why she chose the other girl? Think long and hard about your friendship and whether she is a good friend to you or not.

screamer

Sounds like the plot right out of bridesmaids. TBH once you're married I don't get wanting to be a bridesmaid or maid of honour I'd much rather spend the day enjoying it as a guest with my OH not up on stage all day and stressed. Don't let it worry you if Beth choses linda to be her maid of honour that's her choice I really don't get why there is so much who ha over weddings and who is a BM etc. Be happy for Beth not begrudging of Linda.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your messages, they certainly gave me some food for thought.

I knew writing this that I wouldn't come across very well but thanks to the people who understood or have been in a similar situation, I can't help how it makes me feel and I'm not proud of it which is why I struggled with it.

But, it is what it is. I hosted an afternoon tea at my home to celebrate the engagement and invited all the gang. My husband says I'm hiding my disappointment well and I certainly won't be discussing it with my friend as I think it would cause upset for everyone which would be hard to come back from and it would only serve to make me feel better which isn't fair.

But it has made me reevaluate the friendship and in the past I would have jumped if I was asked, I'm not doing that anymore.

So again, thanks for the messages and especially to the people who understood it had nothing to do with an sense of entitlement as some had posted, it was the realisation that I'm not as good a friend as I thought I was, which does hurt.