Marriage Probs

travel999

Hi All, some advise needed.

Earlier this year my wife told me that she wanted a separation, at first I thought she was joking but soon realized she wasn’t. We have being together 20 years and married 10, have 3 small children below 8.

The warning signs were there and she warned me that she was not happy, but I didn’t take her concerns seriously and I am now reaping the pain.

My wife says she loves me but doesn’t need me anymore.

Telling me, she wants a separation was the biggest kick in the backside I ever got, I asked her to give it more time and for the last few months I have being the best husband a man can be ( my opinion) and I thought the tide had turned.

I know it is to little to late but I love her and didn’t realise she was so unhappy, she says that she has changed and cant switch her feelings for me back on.

I was hoping that with time she would somehow fall back in love with me, but 5 months on her feelings have not changed.

We don’t agrue or fight and get on very well and the only thing that gets me up in the morning apart from my kids is the hope that by some magic she will fall in love with me again.

She works 1.5 hours from her work so I am lucky enough to be able to get the kids up, bring them to school and collect them after work as I work close by. The thought of leaving the house is crushing me.

She says she is not keen on marriage counselling because we have no disagreements, would counselling help.

Is it possible that after this amount of time is there is any chance of her feelings changing for me or am I flogging a dead horse

She knows how sorry I am for not being more attentive to her and that I truly love her, she also knows the devastation that will follow for everyone if the separation goes ahead.

magicmushroom

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I separated from my husband a couple of years ago after falling out of love with him - he was the nicest guy in the world and done a lot for me but honestly - once it was gone, it was gone.
There's nothing he could have done that would have made me love him in that way again.

I'm sorry to say that to you as I know it's not what you want to hear but it's an honest answer to your question.

If she's adamant this is what she wants then sadly you will have to accept that and start discussions of living arrangements and what will happen with the children.

Would it be possible for you to leave the family house for a week or so to get your head around this?
Some time away from her might help to makes things clearer.

GavMan

Not exactly sure why you should be compelled to leave the home when it is her that wants out.

If its over, fair enough. It's over. But don't allow yourself to be trampled on further OP. As you say yourself, you're setup is better suited to helping the kids through this which is the main thing

travel999

Thanks for the replies

Ann84

Why do you have to leave OP?
If your wife wants to end the marriage that is something you will have to accept but I honestly don't understand why you have to move out...
I suggest mediation to start discussing living arrangements and child sharing, it is possible to share parent (I do it myself) and it can be very successful but getting it up and running will be tough so I can't recommend doing mediation enough, it's really handy to have a 3rd party in the room particularly if things get emotional...

Chilli2222

I don't understand if she says she loves you and you have kids together why it can't be fixable. I'm not taking anyone's side here but it sounds like you two are 'surface talking' and letting life's pressures alter what should be a strong bond. Bottling things up and letting resentment build plays a part with both partner's in a relationship. Talking is a good place to start but I as a female don't understand why she has gone past that stage.

Real communication is key to everything in life. Jez suicide rates would drop if people didn't bottle everything up. You've got to talk to sort problems...

I don't know, why does everyone give up these days, god that make's me mad!

The Princess Bride

I've been in a similar situation to your wife, OP.
It wouldn't have been an easy thing for her to tell you, everyone marries assuming it's for life.
When feelings change, admitting it isn't easy.
But happiness is so important and every week someone posts in this forum about their miserable marriage- nothing is worth that and your children won't thank you both for staying together for the wrong reasons.

When she told you before, you were in denial and didn't believe her. That's a normal reaction, by the way.

Best advice I can give you is to sit down together and try and have a sensible chat about kids etc...
There's 2 ways of doing this the difficult way and the less difficult way.The latter is in everyone's interest .
You will always have your 3 children in common , therefore it makes sense if the separation is as amicable as possible.

Best of luck- if she's not happy with you, you'll be miserable in the longterm-you deserve to be happy too.

(Barnardos website has good reading material for parents similar to you both - and there's a forum here too.)

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056551288

travel999

Hi Magicmushroom

yes she has falling out of love with me and thinks counselling is pointless as disagreements etc are not the problem, did you get counselling and do you agree that in this situation it would do no good.

travel999

ColumnAutofit wrote: »

For a start you need to start respecting yourself and learning to think for yourself. The fact that you think you should move out suggests you are very passive in your mindset and easily influenced. Those are not attractive traits to women generally speaking. I would say your wife just doesn't fancy you anymore as you aren't existing masculine behavioural cues.

You need to put your own happiness before your wife's happiness. You don't live to serve her. Work on yourself. Get healthy and fit, get new hobbies, make friends, be the sort of person that you would want to be friends with. Get your passion for life back. Do all this for you first and foremost. Have personal boundaries, don't allow anyone to treat you unfairly, including your wife.

If your wife doesn't want to be with you then do not try to get her back or change her mind, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

Thanks ColumAutofit for your reply and I agree with a lot you say I have no intention of us living together if she dosent feel the same as me but I will exhaust all possibilities including my pride and self esteem in the short term to try and change her mind, at least then we can split with me knowing that I could do no more.

Wibbs

travel999 wrote: »

Thanks ColumAutofit for your reply and I agree with a lot you say I have no intention of us living together if she dosent feel the same as me but I will exhaust all possibilities including my pride and self esteem in the short term to try and change her mind, at least then we can split with me knowing that I could do no more.

That part in bold will push her even further away. Though IMH she's already gone, all that's left are the practicalities. Get a solicitor expert in such matters and fight your corner and do this soon, like yesterday. You don't want to find yourself two years down the line, with her still gone and never coming back and you looking back thinking "oh god why didn't I tackle this head on back then". As you said "The warning signs were there and she warned me that she was not happy, but I didn’t take her concerns seriously and I am now reaping the pain." , well here's another set of warning signs you're ignoring. Please don't make the same mistake twice.

Toots

travel999 wrote: »

Hi Magicmushroom

yes she has falling out of love with me and thinks counselling is pointless as disagreements etc are not the problem, did you get counselling and do you agree that in this situation it would do no good.

Relationship counselling isn't just about disagreements, they'll help look at if there's any possibility of saving the relationship, and can also help separating couples try and stay as amicable as possible. It isn't just about fixing something that's broken, it can help make the breaking a bit easier. I don't think it'd do either of you any harm to have a look into it.

LegacyUser

GavMan wrote: »

If its over, fair enough. It's over. But don't allow yourself to be trampled on further OP. As you say yourself, you're setup is better suited to helping the kids through this which is the main thing

I don't think he has been trampled on. If she doesn't want to be with him anymore that doesn't mean she's the bad guy.

Chilli2222 wrote: »

I don't understand if she says she loves you and you have kids together why it can't be fixable. I'm not taking anyone's side here but it sounds like you two are 'surface talking' and letting life's pressures alter what should be a strong bond. Bottling things up and letting resentment build plays a part with both partner's in a relationship. Talking is a good place to start but I as a female don't understand why she has gone past that stage.

Chilli, he said in the OP that the warning signs were there and she warned him she wasn't happy and he didn't take her concerns seriously. That's obviously why she has gone past that stage.

Travel999, I'm sorry you're going through this, I have been through similar with my ex, I warned him I wasn't happy and things had to change, he simply didn't listen and it went on too long and eventually I fell out of love and just tuned out of the relationship and that was that, of course then he said he was willing to do everything to change but it was too late. That doesn't mean that it's the same for everyone, a friend of mine was similar but after a year apart they gave it another go.

What was she not happy about if you don't mind me asking? You say for the last 5 months you were being the best husband you could be so what kind of a husband were you being before that?

Bill Shock

I'm so what puzzled that something like this can apparently suddenly happen to a couple who are 20 years together. I have therefore to ask the question....is there a 3rd person in the relationship?

Could she have met someone else through work or from socialising? Does her work cause her to travel or be away a lot? Have you discussed the possibility with her that she has met a new man and basically wants you off the pitch?

Ann84

Bill Shock wrote: »

I'm so what puzzled that something like this can apparently suddenly happen to a couple who are 20 years together.

These things don't happen suddenly, they happen slowly over time it's just that some people pretend there are no problems, they don't talk about it, don't deal with it until one person just cracks and says enough is enough...
I really wouldn't jump to an affair although even if she is having an affair, it's seems the relationship hasn't been happy from the wifes PoV for a while...

Maybe she just wants to finish the marriage so she can meet someone else because of this?

LegacyUser

Bill Shock wrote: »

I'm so what puzzled that something like this can apparently suddenly happen to a couple who are 20 years together. I have therefore to ask the question....is there a 3rd person in the relationship?

It clearly says in the OP that the warning signs were there and she told him she wasn't happy but he didn't take her concerns seriously, he doesn't give a time frame for when the warning signs were there so how are you coming to the conclusion that it's sudden?

December2012

Counselling can help you both deal with the situation you're in. Even without fighting it can help you

Persiancowboy

Bill Shock wrote: »

I'm so what puzzled that something like this can apparently suddenly happen to a couple who are 20 years together. I have therefore to ask the question....is there a 3rd person in the relationship?

Could she have met someone else through work or from socialising? Does her work cause her to travel or be away a lot? Have you discussed the possibility with her that she has met a new man and basically wants you off the pitch?

You could have a poibt here.....it may also explain her reluctance to get involved in counselling....maybe afraid it will unearth the real reasons for wanting to end the relationship.

tmalmb

You need to accept it and move on. The reason isn't important...I say this from experience as I'm in the middle of separation. In the early days I struggled with the grief and loss of my marriage, wondering what would happen next, what about the kids etc..In parallel my Ex was seeking legal advice and when I didn't move out as per her demands she proceeded to persecute and bully me out using the court system etc. Now I'm trying to battle back (but sadly out of the house).

As I look back, I should have engaged a solicitor for legal advice quicker and started the separation process on equal footing

best of luck...I know your pain and its not easy

screamer

OP I don't want answers but more sonethings for you to think about. 20 years is a long time together did you get together very young? Did she have many boyfriends before you? Sometimes this happens if that's the case it's like delayed desire to be young again or regret for settling down young in life.
I don't think your wife has really thought through the realities of needing you. She works 1.5 hours away from home you do the morning routine for the kids and the afternoon too. She won't manage that and stay working 1.5 hours from home..... trust me on that one.
It really sounds like you are both stuck in a rut you just take each other for granted that what has been will always be and now she's made the first move. I don't think that after 20 years together you can just not love someone anymore. It's worth trying to salvage at least give it a try but youll need professional help to do so and good luck.