Speech about hated family member

Buttercake

I have a relation who passed away yesterday and I've been asked by family members to give a speech at the funeral

I have had no relationship with this person for about 10years, he was always a big drinker and alcoholic for the past 30yeare, most of my life. Im the youngest so I'm asked to talk about him but I have nothing good to say about him; he has done nothing for his family, he has no achievements, his wife left him many years ago, he retired(told to leave) at 45, he gave up driving because he couldn't drink and his legs went a few years back as he would walk everywhere, barred from public transport and has drank every day since then until his death.

His family have tried and tried and tried to help him continually but he has turned them away. For years I've had to listen to him telling me about how we was looking forward to dying.

All in all, I have nothing nice, kind, endearing or anything good to say about him. Part of me would love to be honest and say exactly what I think about him, the pain and misery he has brought to everyone around him but of course I don't want to upset anyone.

MintyMagnum

I suppose there is that school of thought that alcoholism is a disease and there but for the grace of god go any of us.

EnergyBlaster

Could you go down the route of - he was a tortured soul who has now found his peace, a man who found it hard to compromise but had loving family who tried their best for their father, husband, uncle etc

draiochtanois

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ticklebelly7

When my father died there was no way I could speak about the life he gave us. So I played The Parting Glass as a sort of apology on his behalf for the devastation his drinking brought on those around him.

Day Lewin

"Nobody is perfect, everyone needs forgiveness." plus a poem.

"May all our weaknesses and failings be buried with us, and only the good points be remembered": with the softening light of hindsight.
Maybe he had a sense of humour/ some talent for something at some time?

I hope the dust settles...

banoffe2

Hi Buttercake
Sorry to hear you have been put in this awkward position.
I admire your honesty and how you would really like to tell it as it was and be truthful.
Personally I am allergic to the hypocrisy that goes on at Irish funerals when someone is rip they automatically become a hero, what ever the motive for the bereaved or speechmaker, people know the truth.
I have plenty experience of living with alcoholism and aware that there is also the person behind the alcoholic, we cant blame drink for everything. It is in the nature of the alcoholic to be beyond selfish though every individual in unique. I can imagine the pain and turmoil the deceased's behaviour has done to his family during his life time and the ongoing scars that no one else can see.

It is great to know that we all have choices, sometimes we say it best when we say nothing at all, who is going to gain or benefit from the speech? Look after yourself and do what is right for you. I wish you the very best x

Hemerodrome

Have you considered saying no?

Buttercake

Hi all

The funeral was earlier today and I did speak, I was the only one - no one else wanted to, I could have said no but I felt I had to give some respect and I thought it would have been weird.

I started the speech by thanking everyone, it was hard because for years he hated the church along with everything else besides his dogs and having to thank the priest when he would be cursing him, that's all i could say to him, i didnt say anything about him having religion in his life. The nurses who cared for him he would lie and be abusive towards them, thanked them for their work.

I mentioned his early life, his work and his love of his dogs (the only ones who woudnt speak back to him) i didn't say anything about any family members or even him being a good father, grandfather or uncle, I did give an anecdote towards the books that he read in his later years, there was almost a library in his house as he never watched TV, just read all the time.

So i made it out like his life was like a classic book, it had all the elements, drama, comedy, love and despair - i said like any classic it will remain in peoples heads and hearts and we can return to it anytime and think of him.. people got where i was coming from, nothing much more I could say and that was pretty much it.

The only ones who came up to me to say they would miss him were the drunks from the pub, sad really but C'est la vie.

Thanks for your posts.

Banoffe, thanks for your post - he has been selfish his whole life, he always made himself out to be this martyr but of his own volition! For example, He would make out that he had to walk for miles for messages to his pal, when he gave up driving so he could drink more, he is banned from public transport and even taxis wouldnt go near him and when family members offered he refused, we even got meals on wheels organised for him but he gave the food to his dogs, it was all fantasy

I think with death approaching, he thought that he would be made out to be this hero, thats certainly the way he went on. I don't blame the drink as the total reason, course there are probably many factos but as long as ive know him its been drink all the way and his whole life built around, anyway gone now.

Buttercake

bilbot79 wrote: »

Seriously he's innocent now that he's dead. Poor soul.im sure you can find something nice to say for him. Fond memories from your youth.

Remember you'll need a friend when you're up there ( or down there )

hes dead so hes innocent?, how does that work?

I was petty candid about the whole situation ^

do you think I should have lied? made up some stories instead of about how he destroyed youth, there were no picnics in the park mate, instead there were the times running to the pub begging for him to come home and getting told to f**k off, i decided not to mention those moments.

ticklebelly7

Buttercake, you did great and you deserve a huge heap of gratitude from your family for having the guts to do that speech. I think it was spot on; you did the best you could with limited material without compromising your feelings about the man.

And for the platitudinous who seem so keen to lay a guilt trip, you can forgive and forget all you like - you weren't there, you didn't live with the consequences of the deceased's actions. I can hear that note in Buttercake's post: there were no picnics in the park mate. I bet there weren't any of the normal things other kids spoke about. Life revolved round the demands of the drunken Man Baby sitting in the middle of the family.

It would take a saint to forgive a childhood taken away by the actions of an alcoholic. So go and light a candle for the sick and "misunderstood" deceased if it will make you feel better. I'll save me prayers for Buttercake who deserves them.

draiochtanois

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December2012

You showed class, dignity, respect and compassion. You did not make a bad situation worse. Well done, I hope you take care of yourself in the days and weeks to come.

blondchick

Well done! To speak at a funeral is difficult in any circumstances but in your circumstances nigh on impossible. If you were to stand up and tell the whole truth in all probability you would have unleashed a whole lot of emotion both within yourself and your family members and a public forum is not the place to do it. But one way or another this emotion needs to come out, I am sure over the years you have been offered or have received help, counselling etc. You and your family need to take care of yourselves and one another now. A lady I once knew whose son was an alcoholic said on the evening he died "At least I know where he is tonight" Take care Buttercake

Lisha

Good for you Buttercake. You did great and should be so proud of yourself. Be kind to yourself.

banoffe2

Well done Buttercake, I am full of admiration for you, what you did took buckets of courage and dignity and must be a great source of comfort for the family, they are blessed to have you.
No doubt this experience will make you stronger. Be good to yourself and most of all be kind to your mind XX

LynnGrace

Another here saying well done. It sounds like you handled a difficult situation with great dignity.

allibastor

Try and sum up anything at all good about him.

Usually in Ireland everyone who dies is remembered as a saint anyway!

Rubberchikken

op, you did a very nice eulogy.it had to have been difficult to speak about a man you found difficult to deal with, but i think you did very well.