Too Fat for Casual Relationship?

LegacyUser

I've a BMI of 29.8 (5 foot 7, 190 pounds) and while I want to have a relationship that's fun and casual I just feel like I'm too fat for it, like someone would really have to be desperate to be happy to have sex with me without knowing my personality first and getting attracted to that, you know? I'm losing weight the healthy way (almost no junk and exercising when I can fit it in), but was just wondering is there a way to get over feeling like this?

I'm not sure why I want something casual over serious, and I'm 22 if that makes a difference.

beks101

That's quite a strange way of looking at it. I think the problem is that you generally don't feel confident and comfortable in your own skin and you're projecting that onto everyone around you.

The thing about attraction is that it's entirely subjective. There's an audience for everyone. I don't know if you're male or female but this pretty much applies across the board - some like 'em bigger boned, some like 'em thin, some like 'em somewhere in between and it's a guessing game as to who's into what in the first place. I'm sure you know women/men bigger than you who hold their own in the dating sphere and meet people who find them irresistible on sight.

Yeah, being fitter and slimmer will get more eyes looking in your direction, but confidence is key here - if you can't walk up to someone and believe you can be more than just some consolation prize because they can't possibly fancy you, then you're pretty much doomed before you even try.

Jan Laco

I would say no you are not too fat for any sort of relationship. I guess you are judging what constitutes a suitable body from perception through media.

Truth is different people like different people. I find a body like you have described more attractive than skinny girls....more than any girls on fact.
But more than that I am attracted to girls who are not too observant on their own image.

If you want a casual relationship, just go looking for one and forget about what weight you think is suitable. Just be yourself as you are now.

bilbot79

Guess it would affirm your physical attractiveness if you were desired for casual s*x. The question about how to stop feeling this way is a bit of a no goer. You need to lose that weight to lose that feeling. Basically you need to self motivate until you lose enough that guys start noticing and once that happen you'll get addicted to looking good.

Awful shame to hear about a 22 year old girl that doesn't feel she can get a casual relationship. Do yourself a favour, ditch all of the tasty high energy crap and hit the gym hard. Reclaim your youth

eviltwin

bilbot79 wrote: »

Guess it would affirm your physical attractiveness if you were desired for casual s*x. The question about how to stop feeling this way is a bit of a no goer. You need to lose that weight to lose that feeling. Basically you need to self motivate until you lose enough that guys start noticing and once that happen you'll get addicted to looking good.

Awful shame to hear about a 22 year old girl that doesn't feel she can get a casual relationship. Do yourself a favour, ditch all of the tasty high energy crap and hit the gym hard. Reclaim your youth

I would think it's equally bad for her self esteem for her to see her worth in terms of how attractive she is to men. She needs to find that self respect from within,not depend on other people to give it to her.

bilbot79

eviltwin wrote: »

I would think it's equally bad for her self esteem for her to see her worth in terms of how attractive she is to men. She needs to find that self respect from within,not depend on other people to give it to her.

Finding self respect from within is all well and good in theory but no 22 year old should be advised to remain overweight and be comfortable instead. I don't buy into the idea that self respect exists next to pizza and laziness. Respecting your body is self respect

intheclouds

bilbot79 wrote: »

Guess it would affirm your physical attractiveness if you were desired for casual s*x. The question about how to stop feeling this way is a bit of a no goer. You need to lose that weight to lose that feeling.Basically you need to self motivate until you lose enough that guys start noticing and once that happen you'll get addicted to looking good.

Awful shame to hear about a 22 year old girl that doesn't feel she can get a casual relationship. Do yourself a favour, ditch all of the tasty high energy crap and hit the gym hard. Reclaim your youth

This is terrible advice. No one should be trying to make guys notice them to feel good.

Happiness and self love comes from within. You dont need to lose weight to feel good about yourself. Its perfectly possible to feel good about yourself while carrying weight. Thats not to say that its not healthier to lose weight, but theres no reason why you cant feel good about yourself regardless of the weight.

eviltwin

bilbot79 wrote: »

Finding self respect from within is all well and good in theory but no 22 year old should be advised to remain overweight and be comfortable instead. I don't buy into the idea that self respect exists next to pizza and laziness. Respecting your body is self respect

I never suggested she should not lose weight. She should but for the right reasons. If you are going to alter your appearance it should be because it's right for you. You don't do it to make yourself more acceptable to other people.

LegacyUser

bilbot79 wrote: »

You need to lose that weight to lose that feeling.

And if she loses weight and finds the feeling is still there? This is a big mistake a lot of people make when dealing with issues like weight. They assume if someone just loses weight it will somehow fix the majority of lifes woes. Weight gain is usually a sympton not the cause of depression or socail anexity.

Should the OP not lose weight? Of course she should try and be healthy but her motivation should be just that, to be healthy. Weight lost done correctly and in a way that lasts takes a long time and if your only motivation is self esteem it's very easy to not just fail but to end up gaining more weight. The OP can make lifestyle changes to improve her over all health but her self esteem issues shouldn't be tied up on casual sexual flinges. She should want casual sex because it can be fun and enjoyable and not because it will make her feel valued as a person.

13.5 stone at 5 foot 7 is a pretty unhealthy weight, OP. There's nothing really stopping you from losing weight, if you try to. Especially at 22, when you are at such a young age. You mention that you are trying to lose weight; what exactly are you doing and have you noticed a difference? Regarding your diet - it's not so much just cutting out junk food, it's seriously altering the entire thing and being wary of what you eat.

Once you start to lose weight, you'll start feeling better in yourself and your own skin. The other stuff, like building up your self esteem, will take extra work, but at least you'll feel comfortable in yourself. Have you considered joining a gym? You should look into running programs like couch25k and combine that with weight programs.

Pawwed Rig

Not sure if you are a man or woman (I thought man but everyone else seems to think girl) but one thing I do know is that there is someone for everyone in this world. I have seen the most unlikely of people be attracted to one another. You're problem seems more to be self esteem than weight.

SeaBreezes

bilbot79 wrote: »

Finding self respect from within is all well and good in theory but no 22 year old should be advised to remain overweight and be comfortable instead. I don't buy into the idea that self respect exists next to pizza and laziness. Respecting your body is self respect

Self respect DOES come from within regardless of weight or other peoples opinions. Better to be overweight and fit and healthy than 'skinny fat' and unhealthy.
The poster did NOT say she/he was unhealthy, unfit or lazy. Just not the ideal 'magazine' weight. In fact nowadays people are SO obsessed with skinny they are eating low cal processed ****e and staying thin but will die young.

I would argue respecting your body also includes respecting your natural form and not a strangers warped sense of 'beauty'.

Yakkyda

[Deleted User] wrote: »

13.5 stone at 5 foot 7 is a pretty unhealthy weight, OP. There's nothing really stopping you from losing weight, if you try to. Especially at 22, when you are at such a young age. You mention that you are trying to lose weight; what exactly are you doing and have you noticed a difference? Regarding your diet - it's not so much just cutting out junk food, it's seriously altering the entire thing and being wary of what you eat.

Once you start to lose weight, you'll start feeling better in yourself and your own skin. The other stuff, like building up your self esteem, will take extra work, but at least you'll feel comfortable in yourself. Have you considered joining a gym? You should look into running programs like couch25k and combine that with weight programs.

That's comes across (to me at least) as very condescending tbh.
I'm 31,male,5'10", I haven't weighed in at more than 9.5 stone in 10 years or more. I'm far from an oil painting, very much far from it, but I do alright considering . I'm quite underweight for my build,and it does bother me(often told I look ten years younger, it sounds good, but it's really not) It's confidence that comes into play, age plays quite a significant role in this . not everyone can actually drop all the weight they want, no matter how hard they try, same way I can't put weight on, and believe me I've been trying.

Best advice I myself could give to you OP is, relax. Be yourself. Don't go off with any aul person just for the jollies.

As others have said, lot's of people are into lots of different types of people, chin up, you'll find someone.

b_mac2

Yakkyda wrote: »

not everyone can actually drop all the weight they want, no matter how hard they try, same way I can't put weight on, and believe me I've been trying.

Sorry but that's a load of rubbing.

If you consume/eat MORE calories than you expend/burn, you will gain weight.

If you consume/eat LESS calories than you expend/burn, you will loose weight.

-Unless you are not human or you have a serious underlying medical condition, then it's as simple as that.

intheclouds

b_mac2 wrote: »

Sorry but that's a load of rubbing.

If you consume/eat MORE calories than you expend/burn, you will gain weight.

If you consume/eat LESS calories than you expend/burn, you will loose weight.

-Unless you are not human or you have a serious underlying condition, then it's as simple as that.

Wow - please take out a press release, the diet industry is going to collapse at this news!! Who would have thought it was so simple!

Do you think people are overweight because they want to be? Its a very complex issue, not least because society as a whole does not address the mental aspect of it for people who need to lose weight.

What youve said above is akin to saying that people wouldnt be alcoholics if they stopped drinking. Not so simple Im afraid.

Emme

toofat wrote: »

I've a BMI of 29.8 (5 foot 7, 190 pounds) and while I want to have a relationship that's fun and casual I just feel like I'm too fat for it, like someone would really have to be desperate to be happy to have sex with me without knowing my personality first and getting attracted to that, you know? I'm losing weight the healthy way (almost no junk and exercising when I can fit it in), but was just wondering is there a way to get over feeling like this?

I'm not sure why I want something casual over serious, and I'm 22 if that makes a difference.

Good for you losing weight the healthy way. I don't know how fit you are but joining a bootcamp group might help you in more ways than one. It will get you fitter and help you make new friends. This will give you more confidence and you will feel better about yourself and have a more positive approach to relationships. When I was in bootcamp there were all kinds of people from those who were very fit to those who were just starting to get fit. Nobody was discouraged, indeed those who were starting to get fit were helped in every way.

It's not good to go into relationships with the idea you're not good enough (that can be too fat, too thin, too ugly, too poor, anything that isn't really justified). This will come across and you may attract people who might not treat you very well.

Focus on getting fitter and healthier, increasing your self-confidence and widening your circle of friends. Then go for the relationship - that can be casual or whatever you want.

heretochat

toofat wrote: »

someone would really have to be desperate to be happy to have sex with me without knowing my personality first and getting attracted to that, you know?

I can only speak for myself but I would be very slow to have sex with someone that I did not have a connection of some form with. Anything else in my opinion is soulless and I get no enjoyment from. I have had relationships in the past with bigger girls and sex was no less enjoyable with them.

But everyone is different and OP seems quite clear that she wants a casual relationship only.

OP you can only be happy in your own skin and if that involves losing weight then do so. However, make sure you are doing this for the right reasons (for yourself) and that you do not compromise your health in any way.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone! OP here. Thanks for all of the replies.

To bogman, I never said that my weight was healthy. I'm not naive enough to try and trick myself into thinking it is. I said that I was eating healthy. I've already lost almost a stone. So I am trying. I gained three stone in almost two years after a serious, long bout of depression. I'm on medication for it now, and since going onto it I've been able to concentrate on losing weight because I have the energy for it, and that cloud has lifted that made everything feel so hard.

I'm female, by the way.

I forget sometimes that people aren't always attracted to who I expect them to be attracted to. Back in college, I remember I never expected any of the guys to look twice at me because the other girls were all so much prettier and most were sizes 6 to 10, when I was a size 16. I just need to remember that there's someone for everyone I guess!

Yakkyda

b_mac2 wrote: »

Sorry but that's a load of rubbing.

If you consume/eat MORE calories than you expend/burn, you will gain weight.

If you consume/eat LESS calories than you expend/burn, you will loose weight.

-Unless you are not human or you have a serious underlying medical condition, then it's as simple as that.

I have to disagree with that. I eat like a horse, drink quite a bit too,weight fluctuates between 64-68kg within a month or so.
I've a friend, about 5'8 was 15st,has worked his arse off the past two years(boot camps, training 2 times a day. Proper diet, little to no drink) never dropped below 12.5st.still has a bit off a belly, strong and as an Oxford, but can't shift the belly)

It comes down to an individuals metabolism, people tend to be predisposed one way or the other.
Maybe you let yourself go, and your hard work got you back to where you want to be. Not everyone can't do that, to claim otherwise is daft. It's not that cut and dried.

intheclouds

the OP (can't remember my username) wrote: »

Back in college, I remember I never expected any of the guys to look twice at me because the other girls were all so much prettier and most were sizes 6 to 10, when I was a size 16.

Having had the experience of being a size 8 and at another point a size 16 I can confirm I was hit upon far more often at size 16.

It was illness brought me down to size 8 though, so perhaps I looked rubbish!!