Space

madmen2015

I'm in a new relationship at the moment, a little over 2 months which has been pretty intense so now I'm panicking because he will be visiting his Mum at the weekend which means we won't see each other (we live approx 100 miles apart) and I know space is healthy, I've spoken to him about it because I thought he may be putting distance between us but he has said that's not it at all but I'm still panicking.....I'm not bombarding him with texts or calling him because I know that's definitely not healthy....I need advice on how to deal with this "space" issue in my head

HelgaWard

Why are you panicking, he is just going away for a weekend. Nothing to panic about, plan something for yourself, catch up with your friends and family while he is away. The next weekend you have together you will be really looking forward to it and have lots to catch up on.

Skoop

Make plans with friends, or indulge in a hobby, or download a box set of some TV show everyone's seen but you haven't, go shopping. Make use of the time to enjoy yourself. You're right it's not healthy to be freaking out because you won't see each other for a weekend. That's going to happen repeatedly if you stay together, or with anyone else you're with. Get into the habit right from the start of seeing these times as opportunities to do your own things and to allow you to miss each other. One of the best things about relationships is when you don't see each other for a while and then get to meet back up. It's fun. It's not something to panic about. Go easy.

Ursus Horribilis

Are you normally as clingy as this? Because if you're panicking over a perfectly normal family visit it would be worth asking yourself why. There's intense and then there's unhealthy dependence. I bet you've pretty much dropped your friends since you met this guy. Use this break to make contact with them and get your life back on an even keel. A partner should be a part of your life. Not your life.

madmen2015

Thanks guys for the replies. I have made plans for this week & next week to meet up with friends & organise things at home that need to be done so I'm keeping busy. The reason I'm so clingy is that I have this fear he's going to "abandon" me (I know, I know...daft) because my Mum walked out when I was 10, having counselling at the moment so hopefully I'll be able to rationalise it soon.

I'm not exactly sure what your problem is here. He is going to be away for a few days? Would you normally see each other every day?

HelgaWard

madmen2015 wrote: »

Thanks guys for the replies. I have made plans for this week & next week to meet up with friends & organise things at home that need to be done so I'm keeping busy. The reason I'm so clingy is that I have this fear he's going to "abandon" me (I know, I know...daft) because my Mum walked out when I was 10, having counselling at the moment so hopefully I'll be able to rationalise it soon.

I think it is good that you are getting counselling. Very sorry to hear that about your Mum. It is well worth trying to rationalise it because if you are overly clingy and dependent it is quite likely to put a partner off. Whic is obviously the last thing you want when you really like this guy. Best of luck.

madmen2015

I am trying not to be clingy, we see each other at weekends and I'm not making a big deal about the weekend he's visiting his Mum because I have no right to and the rational part of me says its no big deal, I am trying to keep busy and not obsess....hard work

njs030

Have you had relationships before op or is he your first boyfriend?

madmen2015

I was married before, we split because we just fell out of love, then I was in an abusive relationship for 4.5 years & this current relationship is the first since I split from the abusive one (7 years)

njs030

madmen2015 wrote: »

I was married before, we split because we just fell out of love, then I was in an abusive relationship for 4.5 years & this current relationship is the first since I split from the abusive one (7 years)

Did you feel like this in all of them? It seems strange that after 2 long term relationships you're blaming your worries on a childhood incident. Usually issues like that are a recurring theme in a person's life rather than just appearing in their 30's or 40's.

Is there anything else thats making you worry about this? I presume you don't spend every minute of the day together so how come it's just arisen now?

You sound very vulnerable and I'm glad you are in counselling op, I hope you have plenty of good friends around you.

Ursus Horribilis

Would it be possible for you to pick up the phone and talk to your counsellor about this before your next appointment?

madmen2015

I'm actually having an appointment with the counsellor tomorrow which is good. I have always been a bit clingy.....just in this relationship he bombarded me with phone calls/messages in the beginning, we spent something like 12 days together which is a bit much in the beginning. I just feel we are not as close as we were, he said things settle down in a relationship, constant contact is unsustainable, sex settles after a while...otherwise you'd be knackered! , I know all of that makes sense but seems to have settled very quickly

Ursus Horribilis

Hmm. This may not all be down to your clinginess. Sometimes people who start out all guns blazing fizzle out and disappear just as quickly. Perhaps this has a much to do with your intuition as anything else.

Shrap

madmen2015 wrote: »

I was married before, we split because we just fell out of love, then I was in an abusive relationship for 4.5 years & this current relationship is the first since I split from the abusive one (7 years)

notjustsweet wrote: »

Did you feel like this in all of them? It seems strange that after 2 long term relationships you're blaming your worries on a childhood incident. Usually issues like that are a recurring theme in a person's life rather than just appearing in their 30's or 40's.

This neediness could well be a recurring theme, but one that gets buried by being in such a sh1t relationship where none of your emotional needs are being met, so you can't see the wood for the trees. It happened to me (not 7 yrs after an abusive relationship, but very soon after - like 6 months) that no sooner were some of my needs being met (like being treated with respect, and being desired and valued) than ALL of the baggage came flooding in......issues that I hadn't dealt with, having been unable to within the bad relationship. Mostly they applied to my childhood.

Sometimes, till you can relax enough (with someone good for you, for example) to recognise how painfully close to the surface some issues still are, you don't know where you're vulnerable.

OP, I think you're only now noticing that your fears around rejection are still very raw, and I think this nice relationship has brought it up for you. I suggest that you give your man a clue why you got all needy just there, and continue to work on it with your counselor. Just try not to project your needs onto him to fix (by being around you and not going away from you!) - make sure you (and he) know that it's you that needs to fix them.

Shrap

madmen2015 wrote: »

I'm actually having an appointment with the counsellor tomorrow which is good. I have always been a bit clingy.....just in this relationship he bombarded me with phone calls/messages in the beginning, we spent something like 12 days together which is a bit much in the beginning. I just feel we are not as close as we were, he said things settle down in a relationship, constant contact is unsustainable, sex settles after a while...otherwise you'd be knackered! , I know all of that makes sense but seems to have settled very quickly

He sounds honest, and a good communicator. He also sounds still there in terms of a relationship, so like I said, this is your sh1t to work out. If you can't, cut him loose. Much better than turning bunny boiler OP, and that can happen with feelings of rejection (unfounded or not).

The honeymoon period in my wonderful current 4 yr relationship lasted about 3 weeks till I scared him off with the overwhelming emotions and he ran with his massive commitment issues! However, I was then able to reason that out with him because we're adults, so we got back on track. Baggage happens though, so don't beat yourself up either. I think you're old enough to be rational here and make the most of something that's good for you, without looking for childish needs to be met that maybe should be dealt with elsewhere (like him reassuring you once a day/being there every weekend, etc.).

madmen2015

Thanks Shrap, I did talk to him about the irrational fear of rejection I had & he said he'd never reject me etc, that he understood why I felt like that. He does tell me in advance if he's not going to be available (work etc) when I ring/message etc so I don't freak out with worry & he is reliable in that he does contact me when he says he will but as you say it's not up to him to fix me, it's up to me

Shrap

Odus fell down wrote: »

Sometimes people who start out all guns blazing fizzle out and disappear just as quickly.

Either way, this is something OP needs to tackle in herself and rise above in this new relationship, before it becomes an ongoing thing that will carry on into the next one if this relationship doesn't work out......

Shrap

madmen2015 wrote: »

Thanks Shrap, I did talk to him about the irrational fear of rejection I had & he said he'd never reject me etc, that he understood why I felt like that. He does tell me in advance if he's not going to be available (work etc) when I ring/message etc so I don't freak out with worry & he is reliable in that he does contact me when he says he will but as you say it's not up to him to fix me, it's up to me

Sounds like he's keeping you posted then. Hold it together missus! And tbh, that's more than my fella ever promised me till we were properly steady.....and rightly so. One should never promise never to reject someone who's needs might be too great to handle. This much I've learned. Hang in there and try to trust to being in an adult relationship, where you have the support that you need but you have to do the work by yourself. Good luck hon.

zeffabelli

madmen2015 wrote: »

Thanks Shrap, I did talk to him about the irrational fear of rejection I had & he said he'd never reject me etc, that he understood why I felt like that. He does tell me in advance if he's not going to be available (work etc) when I ring/message etc so I don't freak out with worry & he is reliable in that he does contact me when he says he will but as you say it's not up to him to fix me, it's up to me

I think you might be braver than you think because a very radical terror of abandonment wont let you attach or get close in the first place, that you wont let yourself get accostomed to someone just in case one day it's not there.

To some extent, relationships are hard and bring out a lot of ambivalence and anxiety - to some extent this is how we know someone has become important. Think of it as training yourself to trust, and that even if its long term or short lived, you will be ok....and that you are learning how to be brave.

madmen2015

I am trying my best, just today I didn't initiate any calls/messages, he called/messaged me & I didn't say a word about him being away this weekend just passed it off as normal, which it is as he has already explained that he isn't distancing himself because I know I can't ask for reassurance every second of every day, I do have some self worth (really hard as it is not to do)......Thanks for all your replies guys

njs030

madmen2015 wrote: »

I am trying my best, just today I didn't initiate any calls/messages, he called/messaged me & I didn't say a word about him being away this weekend just passed it off as normal, which it is as he has already explained that he isn't distancing himself because I know I can't ask for reassurance every second of every day, I do have some self worth (really hard as it is not to do)......Thanks for all your replies guys

That's great op, like you said It's not possible to be constantly reassured. It's very early days too so if possible try to relax a bit and let things happen naturally.

Have a great weekend yourself!!

Shrap

madmen2015 wrote: »

I am trying my best, just today I didn't initiate any calls/messages, he called/messaged me & I didn't say a word about him being away this weekend just passed it off as normal

Well done you. It's hard eh? I did have trouble with that myself, but being honest, it helped that my fella is such a commitment phobe that he wouldn't commit on a Thursday to being at mine for a nice dinner on a Friday, so I was FORCED to let go!! I copped on in the end, and so did he. Sounds to me like if you keep talking the way you're doing now, then you'll manage just fine with space to discuss this stuff in counselling as well. Happy for you

madmen2015

Just a quick update for anyone who maybe interested (or maybe not): I spoke with my counsellor last Tue week & we had a good chat, she also gave me good advice....that I needed to speak with my BF as if I drifted along as I was doing I could very well find myself in an abusive situation again. Last Thur I spoke calmly with the guy about how I felt, he appeared to take it on board but by the weekend I felt he shut me out, said he was wrecked/ill (he has graves disease), asked him did he care enough to sort things out repeated that he was ill, didn't want hassle & was switching his phone off. So I decided I had enough, messaged him that I didn't need the hassle either & that it was over. I didn't contact him again until yesterday to let him know where I had left his stuff. Messaged back & forth, I explained how I felt, he did likewise etc, told him I was disappointed that he hadn't even mentioned giving it another try (rich I know since it was me that ended it), he said he thought I had given up but if I wanted to talk after xmas he was open to that as he said he wasn't able for anything at the moment with his new course which is fulltime & his illness (weak excuse), I messaged back that I wasn't putting my life on hold, if he wanted to talk soon fine but if not that was ok too. he basically replied that if my life & whatever I wanted to do helped me move on from this "please do, look after yourself & take care x". So that is that, my gut was telling me all along that things weren't right & that's what was making me insecure/needy. Thanks everyone who took the time & trouble to reply to my thread & who helped me get to the bottom of it.

LegacyUser

OP, I think you jumped the gun a bit. You said you guys had a good chat on Thursday, and what, one day later you thought he had frozen you out? It was one day! And if he was quite ill at the weekend then he was probably starting to feel quite run down and sick after your chat which would explain why he wasn't as communicative the next day or so. When you pushed him, I can imagine his "I'm sick and can't deal with this" wasn't fobbing you off, he was genuinely sick and couldn't deal with calming you down (especially if he has had to do it before and knows how exhausting it can be)! I know when I'm sick every thought feels like torture, trying to hold a conversation is painful and tiring. On top of that he probably had a very short fuse because he felt awful and just wanted to curl up rather than fight with you about whether he had "shut you out".

I think you pushed him too hard and he was right to say he was sick and couldn't deal with constantly reassuring you and he was turning his phone off. I think you completely overreacted by breaking up with him (and it's completely irrational to want him to try to get back with you when YOU broke up with HIM while he was sick!). I also don't think saying he didn't want to discuss things until after Christmas because of his course/illness was a weak excuse at all. He's ill, he's in a fulltime course which can be incredibly stressful and he's facing into having to constantly reassure you that everything is fine and he's not ignoring you throughout the whole Christmas period. The break would have also given you time to think about whether you really wanted to be with him and whether you could start trusting that he meant what he said. I also believe your gut was wrong and that your insecurity/neediness pushed him into getting so fed up that he left which then reaffirmed your warped notion that something was wrong. It's an awful cycle in which you'll lose out on happiness every time.

PinkLemonade

I really don't want to sound harsh OP, but you sound extremely controlling and selfish, he was 100% right to act how he did and it's a good thing he didn't give into your tricks.

I'm not saying your a bad person, but your behaviour in this instance is disgraceful, you are not ready for a relationship, no one will ever be able to live up to your current expectations

madmen2015

I think the controlling was with him actually & the counselling made me aware of it, I had to take time off work due to the stress of his constant demands.....texting & ringing, snapping the head off me, telling me how I should have my hair, how I should spend money, the money I earn, criticizing how I spoke, ate, laughed, drove, what I cooked, telling me how I should have rooms arranged in my house, what to say & not to say to HR, friends, workmen. He borrowed money from me that he never paid back, had full use of my car (I paid for the petrol). Made me feel as if I was inferior to him, he always knew best. So it would be nice if people didn't make snap judgements about people & their actions, which in this case ending it was the right thing to do.

zeffabelli

madmen2015 wrote: »

I think the controlling was with him actually & the counselling made me aware of it, I had to take time off work due to the stress of his constant demands.....texting & ringing, snapping the head off me, telling me how I should have my hair, how I should spend money, the money I earn, criticizing how I spoke, ate, laughed, drove, what I cooked, telling me how I should have rooms arranged in my house, what to say & not to say to HR, friends, workmen. He borrowed money from me that he never paid back, had full use of my car (I paid for the petrol). Made me feel as if I was inferior to him, he always knew best. So it would be nice if people didn't make snap judgements about people & their actions, which in this case ending it was the right thing to do.

Ok but you left out this data. You painted a partial picture which leads me to think you had a very specific idea about what you wanted to here.

People do this...one of the main challegenges in a forum like this... but if they jumped to a conclusion its because you set the game up that way.

njs030

madmen2015 wrote: »

I think the controlling was with him actually & the counselling made me aware of it, I had to take time off work due to the stress of his constant demands.....texting & ringing, snapping the head off me, telling me how I should have my hair, how I should spend money, the money I earn, criticizing how I spoke, ate, laughed, drove, what I cooked, telling me how I should have rooms arranged in my house, what to say & not to say to HR, friends, workmen. He borrowed money from me that he never paid back, had full use of my car (I paid for the petrol). Made me feel as if I was inferior to him, he always knew best. So it would be nice if people didn't make snap judgements about people & their actions, which in this case ending it was the right thing to do.

Op at the time of your first post I asked you as there more to the story causing you to feel how you did. Now it seems there was, if you'd told us this at that time the responses would have been totally different. As the above poster said you chose not to tell us this part so it's not on to get annoyed when people advise you on the information given.
Though I do agree you sound controlling and very quick to jump on him-no one should have to constantly reassure another person. From what you've said he may or may not have been controlling as well (context is everything) so it's pretty clear a break up is the best thing for both of you.

Ursus Horribilis

I have to agree with the others that what you did here was disingenuous. You're definitely well rid of this guy but this thread throws up more questions than it answers. Do you not agree that withholding all that information about him is manipulative and controlling? From your point of view, I think discussing this with your counsellor would be beneficial.

madmen2015

When I wrote that post originally I didn't realise or maybe didn't want to believe what was going on with him, it was only during last Tue week's counselling session that the penny dropped that things weren't as they should be. I had hoped even then that I was mistaken or maybe I was completely at fault because to have to think otherwise meant I had to do what I didn't want to do. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mislead anyone intentionally

madmen2015

When I wrote that post originally I didn't realise or maybe didn't want to believe what was going on with him, it was only during last Tue week's counselling session that the penny dropped that things weren't as they should be. I had hoped even then that I was mistaken or maybe I was completely at fault because to have to think otherwise meant I had to do what I didn't want to do. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mislead anyone intentionally, even when i spoke to him before the weekend I had hoped that everything would be ok but my head told me otherwise.

zeffabelli

madmen2015 wrote: »

When I wrote that post originally I didn't realise or maybe didn't want to believe what was going on with him, it was only during last Tue week's counselling session that the penny dropped that things weren't as they should be. I had hoped even then that I was mistaken or maybe I was completely at fault because to have to think otherwise meant I had to do what I didn't want to do. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to mislead anyone intentionally, even when i spoke to him before the weekend I had hoped that everything would be ok but my head told me otherwise.

This maybe so, but no one made a snap judgement like you accused them of.

They made an assessment based on what you decided to present to them, so that accusation was unfair and wrong.

LegacyUser

madmen2015 wrote: »

I had to take time off work due to the stress of his constant demands.....texting & ringing, snapping the head off me, telling me how I should have my hair, how I should spend money, the money I earn, criticizing how I spoke, ate, laughed, drove, what I cooked, telling me how I should have rooms arranged in my house, what to say & not to say to HR, friends, workmen. .

Erm okay that all sounds a bit much after seeing the guy for 2 months, you felt sh*t only when he went away for a bit? I understand you've been in abusive relationships but surely if what you said is correct this is a warning?

Cut off communication and keep seeing your counselor is all I would say OP and good luck