Life is a Mess, Can't Secure a Job, Feeling Worthless

LegacyUser

Where to start. Huge post incoming so sorry in advance. Even posting this on the internet and sharing with other people is so, so hard for me as I feel ashamed, but the anonymity helps. I just need some advice really badly and without being judged for my situation

I'm 24, turning 25 in May, and I hate myself and my situation. For the past years and years I have been unmotivated, depressed, dealing with crippling anxiety. I've been stuck in a rut the last 5 years or so and I want to get out of it. When I was a teenager it all started. I used to be very outgoing and people would say I was sociable, great to be around etc, but around 17/18 I changed. A lot of things in my life went bad at this time ; my family was very dysfunctional, older siblings and relatives didn't speak with my younger siblings or I. My mother was/is an extremely bad alcoholic and at the time was at her worst, she was sent off to rehab and left me to fend for myself and my younger siblings with little to no help from relatives. My dad was very abusive towards me growing up, both physically and mentally,and even though my parents split at 7 , from this age I still kept a relationship with him as I was young and stupid and didn't know any better and just wanted someone to be my dad. He was a toxic influence in my life and is a textbook sociopath, only wanted to use and abuse me and I let him for years and years. He took advantage of me in any way he could, until one day at the age of 21 I finally had a breakdown and realized he was no good for me. I haven't spoken to him since, so nearly 4 years with no contact.

Anyway, since I was 17/18 I was going through so much crap. I was on prozac at this time prescribed by my GP and continued taking it for a good few years. I never followed through with any therapy but in hindsight maybe I should have. I was juggling a lot, dealing with my mother being away in rehab was crippling me, being abused by my dad day in day out, just because it was the only solid form of company/family I had, so for years I accepted it. I was also bullied in school around this time. Having younger siblings to look after too wasn't easy. I barely scraped a leaving cert and managed to get around 200 points, not too shabby but I was in no way happy about this.

After school I became a recluse, I hid myself away from the world. I stayed at home all the time, didn't go to college, didn't want a job, didn't want to look at anyone. 100% antisocial. Was still on antidepressants and had little to no quality of life. Everything was very messy, often had thoughts of suicide but never followed through for the sake of my younger siblings and for the possibility things would get better. They didn't. I had little to no friends, rarely went out, didn't associate with anyone and kept myself to myself.

This was not only unhealthy but for me is also very embarrassing as I have no work experience/qualifications to my name, especially at my age of 24 this is really shameful. I hate myself for this. I'm trying to be a better person and get myself some type of job and out of the rut I'm in but it's so hard. My CV is next to blank and I've applied for countless jobs and never get any word back. I don't know what to do and what my options are. Emigration isn't an option for me as I cannot afford to. I just feel like I'm stuck, I really want to change but I don't know where to start

I've also gotten very bad socially. I used to have good social skills but not meeting new people/being reclusive has pretty much killed any esteem/social skills I have. I'm terrible in groups, will avoid social situations, avoid conflict/talking to people and meeting new people is enough to want me to have a panic attack.

Don't ask how but I struggled through like this for years until I was around 21/22 and things got a little better. My older siblings got back talking to my family and I as my older sister was pregnant. My mother got herself back on the straight and narrow and is still doing good to this day. My niece was born when I was 22 and she turns 2 this week, so things are looking up. I spend every waking second with her and really love her and she has really given me a whole new angle/perspective on myself as I feel a huge self esteem boost when I'm with her.

I've felt worthless for a long time and I feel like I'm an elephant in a room when family visit ; they ask for everyone but me, never really contact me, will work around me etc, I can tell everyone is so ashamed of me and it hurts a lot. I feel like everyone is judging me all the time so opening up about this is hard fpr me. I guess it's my own fault but I want to make positive changes in my life to be better for myself and for them. I've cut my dad out of my life and it hurts knowing he hasn't made an effort to contact me or even ask me where I've been/how I am/why I haven't spoken to him in so long. It's like he's a robot who feels no human impulses or emotions, even though I haven't seen him in 4 years he doesn't seem to care. It kills my self esteem knowing I was just someone he used and abused for years but I'm on the up and up and moving past that

Sorry for a long post, but if anyone has any advice or feedback I'd appreciate it. It took me so long to type this all out and it honestly hurt me to do so as a lot of self reflection came with this post. I want to change and build self esteem and a life for myself but just don't know where to start, don't want to be this person anymore and want to be the best person I can be for myself, my family and my niece.

Shrap

Wow OP, well done on all the background info and putting it all out there. I take my hat off to you because I know how hard that is to do. So, lots to reply to, and I'm going to approach some of what you say but not all. In fact, I'm going to ignore your father completely, even though he looms very large in your life.

allovertheplace91 wrote: »

I was also bullied in school around this time. Having younger siblings to look after too wasn't easy. I barely scraped a leaving cert and managed to get around 200 points, not too shabby but I was in no way happy about this.

Oh, I believe you had a very hard time, during one of the most stressful periods of your life. 200 points is not too shabby at all for someone who had that much going on, so while you may not be happy (in the same way I'm not bleedin' happy that I'm not a millionaire yet), you could be satisfied.......but you're very very hard on yourself in all your post. Something to work on, definitely.

After school I became a recluse, I hid myself away from the world. I stayed at home all the time, didn't go to college, didn't want a job, didn't want to look at anyone. 100% antisocial. Was still on antidepressants and had little to no quality of life. Everything was very messy

I don't want to ignore this, but as you get older you will recognise this as symptomatic of what you have been through. From what you say later, it's as if you expect yourself (in retrospect) to have achieved more??? Seriously?? OP, many don't deal with this much sh1t in their whole lives. And that's nice for them. But you have to cut yourself some slack here.

This was not only unhealthy but for me is also very embarrassing as I have no work experience/qualifications to my name, especially at my age of 24 this is really shameful. I hate myself for this. I'm trying to be a better person

Ok, if I was less steady, I'd be feeling worse than you at this point because I have no qualifications at the age of 43. However, I'm a great Mum/artist/friend/worker, qualified or no. How much better a person do you want to be than a brilliant aunt/uncle (sorry, didn't catch your gender) and a trier in every which way you can? I mean, hating yourself is a very strong and stern way of looking at where you're at right now, considering your difficulties coming through.

I've also gotten very bad socially. I used to have good social skills but not meeting new people/being reclusive has pretty much killed any esteem/social skills I have. I'm terrible in groups, will avoid social situations, avoid conflict/talking to people and meeting new people is enough to want me to have a panic attack.

This is temporary. You are in a difficult place and it's natural to feel panicked about putting yourself out there.....but it's not you, because you have some natural skills. You'll find them again, have no fear of that.

My mother got herself back on the straight and narrow and is still doing good to this day.

My niece was born when I was 22 and she turns 2 this week, so things are looking up. I spend every waking second with her and really love her and she has really given me a whole new angle/perspective on myself as I feel a huge self esteem boost when I'm with her.

Now! How about this for the most positive post I've seen for a long time?! How lovely, and how much you can draw on your being there for both your niece and your mother, as they will be there for you in years to come. This is uplifting and you are clearly so happy for your niece's love and your mother's steadiness that it must make you realise how integral to their lives (and they to your's) that you are. I hope......

I've felt worthless for a long time and I feel like I'm an elephant in a room when family visit ; they ask for everyone but me, never really contact me, will work around me etc, I can tell everyone is so ashamed of me and it hurts a lot. I feel like everyone is judging me all the time so opening up about this is hard fpr me. I guess it's my own fault but I want to make positive changes in my life to be better for myself and for them.

You see this bolded part? This has coloured all your thinking about how you interpret your family's feelings towards you. So I can't believe one single thing about what you say they feel or what you think you can tell, because your feelings about yourself here are your own and not your family's feelings. If you asked them about these issues, they would deny what you say they feel, right? That's because they don't feel that way about you......you feel that way about you.

For what it's worth, I think you were right about it being a mistake that you never took up therapy alongside the medication. To my knowledge, it's always super important to have someone else help you with another perspective (the way you're looking for another perspective here) when you're struggling with lifelong difficulties. Perhaps in your teens though, you might not have had the adult insight that you will have now, and you could benefit hugely from talking all these issues through with someone.

Sorry this has been extra long. You've had such a hard time of it and you're so hard on yourself as a result, that there's no way I could answer in a short comment! Please love yourself a bit more hon....that's really the gist of my advice. Take your time, look for help and draw on your family who love you even if you can't see it. Wishing you all the best xxx

Ps. For what it's worth, I didn't value myself till I was 27 and pregnant - which made me more important to myself, but I wish I'd looked at my issues before becoming a parent. I wish I'd tried to put importance on myself earlier. You could. I hope you do.

Rubberchikken

let me start by saying that it's great to get to the end of your post and see that things are turning around. you've been through a lot and you're still standing. go a bit easier on yourself. you're trying to take stock of your life now and turn it around and while that won't happen in a day, it will happen as you sound like a person who wants to change it.
i'm glad your mom is recovering. your niece sounds like a great kid. but now you have to start looking out for you.

what do you want to do with your life? what could you do to start changing that? who can you talk to?
would you consider applying for college? get qualifications/build up a social life/ the options are there.

don't worry about people not asking after you etc. people are so worried about their own lives, they rarely concern themselves with others'.
remember you are not worthless. never have been. it's never too late to start with your life so i'll wish you all the best in beginning what will be a great journey. take care