How to ask someone if we're dating or just having fun

LegacyUser

I met a guy on an online app (I'm a guy too), we've gotten to know one another over the course of the past few months.

He's about 10 years older than I am, we're both professionals with busy lives. Because of work demands, I've always assumed he doesn't want a relationship. In fact, he's been clear about how he has a 'cold' personality, and not a very emotional person. Because it started out as sex, that was fine. I can be cold too, and I'm probably too busy to date as well.

But then we started doing other stuff together. Gym, a trip. cooking for one another. He can be very affectionate sometimes. Other times, he disappears from contact for days, and I suspect he's sleeping around. Both of us still use the app we met on, although personally I don't have time for anyone else these days.

Is it fair to confront him about where we stand?

I don't want to come across as needy. We've both dated needy guys in the past and it's really tiresome. I just want to know where we stand either way.

Would you broach the subject, and how? Have you experienced something like this?

amdublin

"So what's the craic here are we exclusive or are you seeing other people as well "

But be prepared...from what you've described I think you know the answer.

rainbowtrout

Wanting to know where you stand isn't being needy.

It sounds like you want more than casual fun and he might not. To be honest I think you're better off asking although you mightn't get the answer you want. Otherwise things will continue as they are and you will get more and more frustrated because you aren't getting what you want and he is unaware.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses, guys.

I'm worried that if I even casually mention the R word, it will give him the wrong idea.

Yes, I admit I find myself falling for him. But I could continue with our casual affair, so long as I knew where we stand, both in terms of one another, and other guys. I'm just worried that even asking will complicate what we already enjoy.

I just got back from a fun night together: sex, drinks, and a movie, and he suggested doing the same tomorrow. Is it worth risking it, if I don't even know what I want myself?

I guess my fundamental question is, do people typically have this conversation? Or does everyone usually just go with the flow? I may be overthinking this. I'd be interested in your experiences.

rainbowtrout

Well bottom line. You suspect he is sleeping around. He's still using the dating app. Gut feelings are not often wrong.

Are you happy to keep seeing this guy for dates and sex and nothing more in the knowledge that he's sleeping with other people (assuming it's true)?

If you asked him and he told you he was also dating and sleeping with other people would you be happy to continue?

If not then this guy is not going to do you any good longterm.

zeffabelli

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Well bottom line. You suspect he is sleeping around. He's still using the dating app. Gut feelings are not often wrong.

Are you happy to keep seeing this guy for dates and sex and nothing more in the knowledge that he's sleeping with other people (assuming it's true)?

If you asked him and he told you he was also dating and sleeping with other people would you be happy to continue?

If not then this guy is not going to do you any good longterm.

Yeah I know people say this about gut feelings but mine have been wrong as many times as they've been right!

Op why don't you be as transparent as you can and tell him that you are developing feelings and you'd feel better if you knew how he felt too.

Open up the conversation with that abd see where it leads. If he wants to see other people than you'll have to examine whether you can handle that or not.

Skoop

zeffabelli wrote: »

Yeah I know people say this about gut feelings but mine have been wrong as many times as they've been right!

'Gut feeling' is why some people won't step foot on an airplane or why others run out of the room when they see a spider. It's another phrase for 'ingrained fear'.

It shouldn't be ignored completely, but it's by definition illogical and irrational. It certainly shouldn't be given veto powers when it comes to decision making. Let it have it's say, then look at the facts, if it doesn't match, it should be over ruled. That's the advantage to being a human being, you don't have to jump every time you think there's a monster in the shadows, just because that's what your gut instinct yells at you. There's a real whack of self fulfilling prophecy and confirmation bias off the statement "gut feeling's usually right" etc in my experience. People that want to believe that unwittingly engineer results to match thier gut feeling and forget at the drop of a hat the times it's wrong. It gives a sense of control to the uncontrollable and knowledge to the unknowable. It's a comfort blanket for the insecure.

You don't have to get into a big conversation about 'the R word' OP. Just casually ask him if he's seeing anyone else. When you have his answer, you can either tell him that's cool, and you're happy enough keeping things casual and just having fun, or you can go the other way and ask him what he'd think of you and him making it exclusive (providing that's what you want).

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Well bottom line. You suspect he is sleeping around. He's still using the dating app. Gut feelings are not often wrong.

Are you happy to keep seeing this guy for dates and sex and nothing more in the knowledge that he's sleeping with other people (assuming it's true)?

If he's sleeping with other guys, or at least if he plans on doing that, I would put a stop to it. Notwithstanding the fact that we always use protection, that would simply be too weird.

Skoop wrote: »

You don't have to get into a big conversation about 'the R word' OP. Just casually ask him if he's seeing anyone else. When you have his answer, you can either tell him that's cool, and you're happy enough keeping things casual and just having fun, or you can go the other way and ask him what he'd think of you and him making it exclusive (providing that's what you want).

Thank you, that's exactly how I'm going to approach it. He's off on a work trip tomorrow, and when he comes back I'll casually ask if he had sex. Probably while changing the channel, texting, or tying my shoelaces, for maximum aloofness!!

Just kidding.

Well, not really.