Marriage problems

LegacyUser

I'm recently married and I've become increasingly upset and anxious about my wife's drinking pattern.

Before I get into this I do want to stress that we get on extremely well besides this problem

My wife loves to go out at the weekends. She lives for the weekends and every Monday she is already on about Friday and Saturday. She has a large group of friends who are a mix of single girls and a couple of them with boyfriends (none engaged or married)

Everytime she goes out she's literally the life and soul of the party. Always the first to try and encourage shots. But the increasingly worrying problem is once she starts she can't stop. She fails to come home once the pubs/clubs close and she's always at house parties after. It's 6am or 7am once she stumbles in the door. A couple of months ago she arrived in at 11am.
I often wake early and if I ever ring her she won't answer.
What's worse is every Sunday she will spend all day in bed. I could go the gym or go to town and she does nothing. If there's cleaning to be done it's up to me. If we argue when she arrives in at 7am she won't talk to me for the day. She will literally be too hungover to speak. Later in the evening she might say sorry and just go back to bed.

She can now drink more than the majority of my friends and she's always last one standing. Several times friends have commented how much she can drink and they can't believe someone can handle so much of it. We are talking over half a litre of vodka and several shots (and that's before the house parties where she will drink pretty much anything).
She's now increased frequency. Pretty much every Friday and Saturday night and going out earlier and coming back later.
I've reduced the amount of times I go out due to this. Watching her drink stresses me out and I don't really enjoy myself. It's even affected me going out with my own mates.

We've talked about it and several times she has said she will stop drinking so much and knows sometimes it's a problem. She also promises every night she goes out that she will come home once the pubs finishes. It never happens. We've also discussed counselling but she's not too keen.

I'm sick of the arguments and the stress this is causing me. I'm also sick of the lies and fake promises. It's always 'oh I had to stay out for this one' or 'i had to go out due to this one'. I'm always second best when it's a decision between her friends or me. We can't even have a night together without her trying to involve her friends in some way.

I'm afraid our marriage is under threat coz our times together are being ruined. A marriage cannot survive with one partner drinking Friday, sleeping all day Saturday, drinking Saturday night and sleeping all day Sunday. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown over this at this stage

Opinions? Solutions?

I literally thought she might 'grow up' after marriage but I'm even at a stage where I'm worrying about what happens when we have kids!

LegacyUser

I don't want to make things any worse than they already are, but are you sure it's only drink she is taking? Drinking that amount and for that long is rarely sustainable. Many people would eventually just fall asleep. A family member used to drink all night every weekend and spend all the next days in bed too. Often not getting up til 7 or 8pm, and having a few more.

They were also taking cocaine, to keep them awake to be able to drink more. They are now undergoing treatment for alcohol and drug addiction.....

nikkibikki

DrinkProblem wrote:

I literally thought she might 'grow up' after marriage but I'm even at a stage where I'm worrying about what happens when we have kids!

Marriage doesn't change the problem OP. And please don't bring kids into the equation til this is sorted. And it needs to be sorted. It does sound like she has a drink problem OP. Have you told her how much it's effecting you? I've often been told an alcoholic won't change til they hit rock bottom. I have no advice OP apart from advising you yourself reach out to Al Anon and/or Pieta House.

Dughorm

DrinkProblem wrote: »

I'm recently married and I've become increasingly upset and anxious about my wife's drinking pattern...

We are talking over half a litre of vodka and several shots (and that's before the house parties where she will drink pretty much anything).

I'm afraid our marriage is under threat coz our times together are being ruined....I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown over this at this stage

Opinions? Solutions?

You're right - your marriage is under threat - this is clearly not sustainable.

I think you have to put it to her - you or the drink. If you don't get a clear answer, move out next Friday for a week and let her see which is more important to her.

Her friends won't be caring for her if she injures herself while drunk or gets liver cancer.

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm sorry for you OP. Truly. I'll tell you this- your description of your wife could be my father. There is not a weekend (bar funerals, work) that he didn't drink Friday, wake up Saturday noon, eat lunch, faff about or whatever then repeat Saturday night...he never touched a drop Sunday - Thursday but as he worked (hard, I'll give him that, we didn't lack materially), I never knew him. I hardly ever saw him! What kind of marriage my parents had? A sh*t one. They should have split many years ago my mother was desperately unhappy and as the object of anger was AWOL, it all came out on us. I don't know why my father did this. My mother earned more than him so it surely wasn't the burden if family life....I've decided that he just didn't like the trapped feeling of wife and kids and his weekends were ways of reliving his uni years.

I'm saying all this because a loving (newlywed!) Spouse should want to spend mist if their time with you. You're meant to be their best friend! Favorite person in the world! My mother was not my father's favorite. If that was true he would have spent time with the family he made with her. He probably cheated as well. As a result my mother is astonishingly bitter about men.full of hate and anger and is a really horrible person at times. Which is a shame, because she was crazy about my father and was an accomplished person in her own right before retirement

Well what I'm saying is that your wife either has some private issue with alcohol that she first needs to admit before even thinking about help or her health, OR she's maybe panicking at the reality of marriage and the resultant fact you can't just simply do what you like and live without the responsibility of a shared life.

I feel for you. If you love her at least try and get the dialogue going. Insist on an alcohol free night with no distraction to talk honestly. Because everything you say sounds just like the way my mother remembers the early days of her marriage and the way I remember my father until his death. Not a single weekend spent involved with family. It twisted my mother and will destroy your confidence...get talking to your wife...its too early in your marriage for this....incidentally did she drink like thus before the vows?

Sleepless and Manic

DrinkProblem wrote: »

We've talked about it and several times she has said she will stop drinking so much and knows sometimes it's a problem.

Sometimes? I'm afraid she has a serious problem, and I would be worried she's also drinking during the week and not telling you.

Leave it too long and the drink will become her best friend and she'll start playing all those games heavy drinkers play; denial, deflection, lies, etc.

Best get on top of the situation now.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Sorry to read all this.

I suffered with an addiction in the past. Not drink but I ended up in a residential rehabilitation facility and have been enjoying recovery for a number of years now.

I too made excuses to myself and everyone around me as to why I needed to constantly indulge excessively in my addiction. I too was hurting everyone around me and it wasn't that I didn't care, I just couldn't and didn't want to deal with things. I had people who loved me unconditionally who also made excuses for me, soaked up my sob stories about how I was sorry and wouldn't do it again and even supported my addiction in that, when I made a mess of things - they helped me patch things up - these people, with the best of intentions were my enablers. I completely lacked the ability to see the worry, shame, dysfunction and stress I was inflicting on them. If I did have a moment of clarity I felt so crap about myself it worked nicely as an excuse for me to continue in my unhealthy patterns because I wasn't ready to deal with that.

It's a cliché now but for some people - they have to get to rock bottom to appreciate how damaging an addiction is. It sounds like your wife is able to neatly package up her addiction under the guise of socialising and very socially acceptable things so that it doesn't appear to be problem behaviour.

I lost relationships, pushed away friends and completely lost control of my lie. I held a job down but my parents were paying my rent and subsidising me as all of my money was feeding my problem....I was nearly 30 - lonely and dependent.

My mother was nearing retirement age and awake at night wondering how she'd continue to support me when she retired, this went in one ear and out the other for me. I was far too consumed in myself..... I appreciate your situation is different but I'm trying to convey the mindset here.

I was driving down the road one day and I realised my life was empty, I'd rejected social offers, pushed away everyone and really only had an honest relationship with my parents - even that was peppered with the BS excuses I made on a day to day.

I realised my life had no purpose and I phoned a rehab centre, I was admitted the next week and I have never looked back.

I learned a lot and I spent a lot of time with people who had similar issues with various different substances and behaviors.

The one key thing most of us had in common was that the people who loved us were enabling us, they think they are helping by being patient, understanding and supporting us, stopping us from falling and allowing us to continue to hurt ourselves.

Addicts are selfish and manipulative but they are more importantly SICK. Nobody wants to become an alcoholic or hurt the people we care about. When you're in throws of an addiction all you can think about is getting that next hit. Hurting people becomes second nature, it's something you block out because you genuinely feel like if this other person could understand how much you NEED to feed your addiction they would just let you.

I don't know your wife, I only know my story and the stories of the people I have met.

I think you sound like a wonderful, patient and loving partner. As a newly-wed, you want to support your wife and I'm sorry to say this but tough love is the only way and you can be guaranteed to be met with resistance. You need to create some boundaries.

Addiction, in all it's forms is generally some form of escapism or distraction, something is fueling it and it sounds like it's way down the line for you and your wife to start working on what these issues are but I would start with a very clear statement like

"I love you, but I will no longer support your problem drinking"

You need to make it clear that the more your wife indulges in this behaviour the less you will be there to pick up the pieces. If she goes out and isn't home when she says she will be, you need to stop waiting for her to come home, go stay somewhere else and don't be there when she arrives home.

The thing is, if your wife truly is an alcoholic - the likelihood is, if she is to find recovery she will never be able to drink again.

Is that something you can ever imagine her being open to? If the answer is no, then she needs to be made aware of the damage she is causing to bring her (lovingly) to that conclusion on her own.

I wish I could say more to help. Just remember, deep down, she doesn't want to hurt you and underneath it all - she knows, somewhere that she can't go on like this.

As long as you accept it, it will continue.

Best of luck x

magneticimpulse

Sounds like she is just living an average single persons life! It's not unusual for single people in their 20s 30s to go out wednesday through to Saturday night. What is unusual is staying out til 7am or 11am and to be drinking all that time.

Are you two very young? As it seems like she is enjoying what would be considered a single lifestyle and not that of a typical married lifestyle. Is she ready for married life? It sounds very childish the not talking for a day. It also seems like you have very little in common....what actually brought you two together because your lifestyles seem complete opposites?

intheclouds

You can't control another persons drinking OP.

I feel so bad for you, her behaviour is having a terrible effect on you. You need to go to Alanon or similar support to learn how to cope with someone else's drinking.

From what you describe your wife has a serious problem. That she continues to behave this way despite you expressing your issue with it means drink is more important than anything.

Alcoholism is progressive. This is unlikely to get better by itself. If you want to help her then go to Alanon and help yourself first.

Best of luck.

bigpink

This only new behaviour?

jimd2

As a married person I would say that her behaviour is totally unacceptable in any relationship not just a marriage.

To be blunt you should not have married her if this was her behaviour but that is water under the bridge now.

You really have to give her an ultimatum to cut it out for a period until she can prove that she can go out with her friends and not behave like this. Otherwise it will be a short marriage.

She need to cut it back to one night at most a weekend and no later home than 12:30/1am and not drunk. You really really need to nip this in the bud if its not already too late.

Best of luck, I really feel for you.

strandroad

It's really bad OP. It's not only that she leads such a destructive lifestyle, hurtful to you, but the fact that she's trying to cut down/stop and she can't, points to a serious addiction... she needs addiction therapy but will she even admit it?

Taltos

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PressRun

LegoFriends wrote: »

I don't want to make things any worse than they already are, but are you sure it's only drink she is taking? Drinking that amount and for that long is rarely sustainable. Many people would eventually just fall asleep. A family member used to drink all night every weekend and spend all the next days in bed too. Often not getting up til 7 or 8pm, and having a few more.

They were also taking cocaine, to keep them awake to be able to drink more. They are now undergoing treatment for alcohol and drug addiction.....

This is possible, but I have a friend who is able to drink all night and well into the wee hours in a weekend and has never touched drugs. Some people are just tanks when it comes to alcohol.

I'd be interested to know how old you both are, OP? This is probably behaviour someone should grow out of after a certain age.

LegacyUser

This is probably behaviour someone should grow out of after a certain age.

But how long do you wait for her to "grow up", OP? To be honest, if you have told her it bothers you, and if she's making no real effort to change her behaviour then, I'm afraid at this point she's gone past growing out of it. On any level her behaviour is unacceptable. It's destructive to her personally, to you and to you both as a couple. Even if she were young free and single then her behaviour would (should?) be a problem to those around her, her family.

I mentioned a family member earlier who is now being treated for alcohol amd drug addiction, I didn't mention they are also going through a separation. Much like you their partner thought they'd "grow out of it". 15 years, a marriage and 3 children later they didn't grow out of it. 12 years and 2 children into the relationship they decided to get married. The partner thinking "they'll grow up once we're married". Marriage isn't magic. They are exactly the same person walking Dow the aisle as they are walking up it. Only difference is a ring and a bit of paper.

Your wife is an addict. You have asked her to change a bit. You have asked her to consider you. She can't do either. So your only options to consider are: that she has a very serious drink problem, or she doesn't actually care about you. Go to AlAnon. People with addictions are very good at turning their problem onto other people. It's always someone else's fault. If you get too close to "exposing" her problem it will be turned around on to you. It will be your fault - She has to go out on her own, because you won't go with her. She spends so long out with her friends because they're a laugh, and you're a dry arse sitting at home waiting for her to come in, just so you can disapprove. You wouldn't understand. You don't know how to enjoy yourself. She has to stay out, because it's better than staying in looking at your miserable face etc...

It's all lies to make you stop questioning her. And it'll work, for as long as you allow it to.

Saipanne

I'm truly surprised that you're not jumping to further conclusions here. If my girlfriend arrived home at 11am without at least contacting me, I'd assume the worst and break up.

LegacyUser

Hi OP I have to say I'm not trying to scare you but the first thing that popped into my head was cocaine, I have friends that can go an entire weekend exactly like your wife and its because they're shoving coke up their noses. Maybe I'm wrong, I have heard of people being able to handle drink but not to the extent of your wife.

That is out of control. You are definitely going to have to sit down with her and have it out with her. I personally don't think you should be gentle with her or pussyfoot around the issue. Tough love is needed here. So what if she gives you the silent treatment, in my opinion she's doing that because deep down she knows you're right.

Witcher

If I was you OP, I would be moving out for a week as has been suggested and if I didn't have a mortgage etc. with her I would seriously consider making a clean break.

As someone who had a parent who was an alcoholic I would not be giving many chances for that sort of behaviour to stop.

Whatever you decide to do, for the love of christ do not bring kids into this relationship until she has been dry for at least a year if not more. Do not compromise on that, children do not deserve that sort of behaviour from a parent. You could decide to never see her again etc. but they will be forever tied to her and her drinking.