How near the farm do you live?

Miss PE

Hi,
Just wondering how near the farm do u dairy farmers live?
Is living 15mins drive away as newly married ok and him staying in parents house on farm when working late 1 or 2 nights a week (cows calving, etc.)?
Coming under pressure to live in bigger house 3mins drive from the farm (2 or 3 times more rent than currently paying + he doesn't really get paid so will all fall to me) but don't see the point when hubbie working until 10/11pm every night & me getting ready for bed when he comes in......... I want to wait until he gets in more of a routine of coming home at decent hour.....sur tis only going to be worse after Christmas! Plus will be under pressure to have people over & it will all fall to me...+ tis usually only Sunday we get to see each other..
Thnx

restive

I live in the yard.

Parishlad

Miss PE wrote: »

Hi,
Just wondering how near the farm do u dairy farmers live?
Is living 15mins drive away as newly married ok and him staying in parents house on farm when working late 1 or 2 nights a week (cows calving, etc.)?
Coming under pressure to live in bigger house 3mins drive from the farm (2 or 3 times more rent than currently paying + he doesn't really get paid so will all fall to me) but don't see the point when hubbie working until 10/11pm every night & me getting ready for bed when he comes in......... I want to wait until he gets in more of a routine of coming home at decent hour.....sur tis only going to be worse after Christmas! Plus will be under pressure to have people over & it will all fall to me...+ tis usually only Sunday we get to see each other..
Thnx

Few things going on there. I'm not a dairy farmer so I'm sure the dairy lads will give their take on this in due course.

However, I can't see why he is working until 10/11pm every night. Okay around calving time it's going to be mental but that is for a specified period of time. You might want to sit down and have a chat to see if he could start to finish earlier. If you are newly weds he might still be hanging on to old routines/habits, i.e. not having to consider a wife & family that also need time.

You mention that he doesn't really get paid!!!! For working those hours he should be getting a decent wage but maybe there's more to it than that??!

15 mins away is not far. I wouldn't be rushing to move to a place where the rent is 2 or 3 times what you are paying now, particularly if, as you say, it won't make that much difference! Who is applying the pressure to move closer, your husband or is it coming from his parents!! Could you end up moving closer only for him to spend even more time on the farm? The bit of distance might be no harm at all.

I think that you should maybe sit down and have a chat with your husband. If you have things that are bothering you now about how your 'family life' is going it's best try and sort it out as early as possible as the longer it goes on the harder it will be to do anything about it.

Hope it all works out for you though!

whelan2

Miss PE wrote: »

Hi,
Just wondering how near the farm do u dairy farmers live?
Is living 15mins drive away as newly married ok and him staying in parents house on farm when working late 1 or 2 nights a week (cows calving, etc.)?
Coming under pressure to live in bigger house 3mins drive from the farm (2 or 3 times more rent than currently paying + he doesn't really get paid so will all fall to me) but don't see the point when hubbie working until 10/11pm every night & me getting ready for bed when he comes in......... I want to wait until he gets in more of a routine of coming home at decent hour.....sur tis only going to be worse after Christmas! Plus will be under pressure to have people over & it will all fall to me...+ tis usually only Sunday we get to see each other..
Thnx

is he married to you or the farm, he needs a kick in the butt.

Muckit

Miss PE wrote: »

Hi,
Just wondering how near the farm do u dairy farmers live?
Is living 15mins drive away as newly married ok and him staying in parents house on farm when working late 1 or 2 nights a week (cows calving, etc.)?
Coming under pressure to live in bigger house 3mins drive from the farm (2 or 3 times more rent than currently paying + he doesn't really get paid so will all fall to me) but don't see the point when hubbie working until 10/11pm every night & me getting ready for bed when he comes in......... I want to wait until he gets in more of a routine of coming home at decent hour.....sur tis only going to be worse after Christmas! Plus will be under pressure to have people over & it will all fall to me...+ tis usually only Sunday we get to see each other..
Thnx

You need to nip that sh*t in the bud rappa :-) Pure habit that crack

blue5000

He needs to talk, you know one of those talks where the woman goes
'We need to talk'
and the man silently says to himself (not even under his breadth)
'ya right, you need to talk and I just have to listen'

Best of luck, what's the long term plan, build a house on the farm? Seriously think this 'talk' should have happened before now.

Sam Kade

restive wrote: »

I live in the yard.

Did the wife kick you out of the house?

BG2.0

Don't become a farming widow, it's bollox if takes all day and night to farm and by the sounds not even get a decent wage?! Time for a serious chat to set the course for the future. Not to thread too far into personal life but some farmers are married to A and B is just there to produce a heir and cook the dinner.

Capercaillie

Probably too fond of the mammy. If she stops providing food for him, he will go home earlier.

Cattlepen

Are you sure he's not in drinking tea with the mammy? This 10 and 11 craic should only be seasonal

whelan2

wonder is he a member on here?

restive

Sam Kade wrote: »

Did the wife kick you out of the house?

Not yet. Gable end of house is on yard.

Buford T. Justice XIX

Miss PE wrote: »

Hi,
Just wondering how near the farm do u dairy farmers live?
Is living 15mins drive away as newly married ok and him staying in parents house on farm when working late 1 or 2 nights a week (cows calving, etc.)?
Coming under pressure to live in bigger house 3mins drive from the farm (2 or 3 times more rent than currently paying + he doesn't really get paid so will all fall to me) but don't see the point when hubbie working until 10/11pm every night & me getting ready for bed when he comes in......... I want to wait until he gets in more of a routine of coming home at decent hour.....sur tis only going to be worse after Christmas! Plus will be under pressure to have people over & it will all fall to me...+ tis usually only Sunday we get to see each other..
Thnx

Dairy farmer and living on the farm here.

As someone said earlier, before marriage would have been the time to discuss this but you are where you are. I am reluctant to give much advice as we are only getting one side of the discussion.

Dairy farming is seasonal so I would expect him to be on the farm a lot of the time during calving season.
Is calving done once a year, twice a year or all year round?
Are the buildings suitable for the job or is there a bit of building needed?
How old are his parents and how active are they on the farm and in the management of the farm?
Have you discussed this before and what was discussed/agreed?
What are the future plans for the farm, is your husband getting it all, are there other family members to be paid off, working and needing a wage, needing to be educated?

I don't need to know all the answers to those but YOU DO!

As to the situation as is, I would be reluctant to move closer to the farm until there was some plan made for the future ie a site or the farm picking up the bulk of the extra rent for the house at the very least.

Your husband needs to be drawing money off the farm, not just pocket money from his parents. You and he are a separate unit now from his family and from yours and will need some income from both of you invested into your future, not just the farm.

Also, there is a lot of paperwork to be done with registering calves and medicines etc so there is no reason that he couldn't do that at home with you. At least you would be sharing the same airspace.

Congratulations and best of luck.:)

freedominacup

whelan2 wrote: »

is he married to you or the farm, he needs a kick in the butt.

Honestly whelan he's not the only one needs s kick in the butt. Miss pe was on another thread in the spring with the same problems and got the same responses. You should have put your foot down six months ago. Too late for that now.

The only way you could consider moving would be to your own new house wherever on the farm suited you. And he's paying. Make the mortgages and running costs his responsibility. He'll be getting a minimum sort of salary from the farm at that.

We lived in Waterford for a couple of years after we got married. Great craic altogether. Five euro taxi home. Going out any night no drama. All came to an end a couple of weeks after an ultrasound technican told mrs freedom there was no way she could get pregnant until x which had been picked up on the scan was sorted out.

Our house is a two minute walk from the yard across a paddock and fifty metres up the entrance road. I'm posting this while I'm waiting for the eldest lad to finish rugby training. Second lad just finished and sitting beside me. Training venue twenty five minutes from house and training starts at six thirty. As of this evening seventy cows being milked here. Second batch of spring calvers dried off this morning. He could finish if he wanted to. You won't find many on here who think he's doing anything right.

Base price

OP while I sort of sympathise with your plight do you have an interest in the farm, make regular visits or help your husband in any way. Just wondering.

Muckit

In all fairness base, that's neither here nor there

Miname

Lads its not really fair to be judging this fellas working hours, ive clocked 85 hour average the last three weeks and all the crying and bitching that "i should be able to make enough in five days", and "theres more to life than this"; but at the end of the day we dont know what hes at or what he has to do, sometimes you just have to push things that extra bit.

Greengrass1

Working till 11 is definitely not on.
I absolutely love my job. But no way in hell could I stay working each and every night till 11.
I'm finished here 6.30 90% of the time.
I'd v quickly hate farming if I had to work long hrs every day of the wk.
I had to be outa here by 5 on Saturday evening last.
I had 80 cows milked everything fed and bedded and had myself showered and dressed by 5.05 and our set up quite frankly isnt near as good as it could be

Base price

Muckit wrote: »

In all fairness base, that's neither here nor there

I was just wondering if OP has any involvement in the farm.

farmerjj

Some amount of questions there for "miss pe" last time she,l ask a simple question on boards ha. Oh and I live 200 metres from the yard nice and close but not onto of the cows either.

Miss PE

Hi,
Thanks for all of the replies – I really appreciate them even if they are hard to read (was literally only asking if 15mins drive would be considered too far (knew I shldn’t have put in his hours! Lol))

Freedominacup – yes, u are correct, I was on here last Feb about farm work hours………embarrassing I know!……he is autumn & spring calving so same probs coming up again which I’m just sucking up (as hopefully majority spring calving next year), but it is the moving to near the farm (pressure from his family & now him) that I’m questioning.
I just have the dilemma of being on my own for the winter in a bigger house vs where I/we are now (where I feel more secure & private)….

We did discuss all this before marriage but what we decide never goes down well as a rule (with every1 else which causes the issue) & the fact that the farm was meant to be transferred months ago but not now so little plans have been put in place..

& to the others who asked, yes I do have an interest in & help out on the farm but have just stopped last week or so as I’m getting no time from/with him……..childish I know! He is farming alone with helper when he is available (1/2 days per week or that helper will milk if we are going somewhere) but work needs to be done on farm but it isn’t his yet so only so much can be done!

Farmerjj………… I was kinda regretting the question alright but I’m a stubborn fecker (& so is the hubbie, more & more!) hence I’ve stuck with him but I’ve another question………what should be drawn minimum ballpark as a wage for him….? I know every farm is different but I am just looking for a ballpark figure of a MINIMUM….. Not that I have any say in it, but since it was mentioned here….

Thanks (deep breath!)

Grueller

Miss PE wrote: »

Hi,
Thanks for all of the replies – I really appreciate them even if they are hard to read (was literally only asking if 15mins drive would be considered too far (knew I shldn’t have put in his hours! Lol))

Freedominacup – yes, u are correct, I was on here last Feb about farm work hours………embarrassing I know!……he is autumn & spring calving so same probs coming up again which I’m just sucking up (as hopefully majority spring calving next year), but it is the moving to near the farm (pressure from his family & now him) that I’m questioning.
I just have the dilemma of being on my own for the winter in a bigger house vs where I/we are now (where I feel more secure & private)….

We did discuss all this before marriage but what we decide never goes down well as a rule (with every1 else which causes the issue) & the fact that the farm was meant to be transferred months ago but not now so little plans have been put in place..

& to the others who asked, yes I do have an interest in & help out on the farm but have just stopped last week or so as I’m getting no time from/with him……..childish I know! He is farming alone with helper when he is available (1/2 days per week or that helper will milk if we are going somewhere) but work needs to be done on farm but it isn’t his yet so only so much can be done!

Farmerjj………… I was kinda regretting the question alright but I’m a stubborn fecker (& so is the hubbie, more & more!) hence I’ve stuck with him but I’ve another question………what should be drawn minimum ballpark as a wage for him….? I know every farm is different but I am just looking for a ballpark figure of a MINIMUM….. Not that I have any say in it, but since it was mentioned here….

Thanks (deep breath!)

I have to say that I would not be discussing very personal information and issues like this on an Internet forum. Guaranteed that somebody will find out who you are, Ireland is a very small country.
My advice would be to sit everyone down around a table and talk about it. No ultimatum, just a talk about the hours. The wages are impossible to comment on as we don't know what the farm set up is and what finances are like.
Some of your quotes make it sound like there are more people involved than his parents. If so your husband needs to deal with this. I think it is important to remember that you all have to live together after all this is sorted out and the one who will suffer most is your husband as he will be caught from both sides.

memorystick

I live 7 mile from farm and its the best decision ever. Getting back into beef after a break so its not very laborious. At least I can walk away from it when finished. I'd be concerned about ownership of land at this stage. If he's farming it and getting married, then he needs to know the story.

whelan2

If he feeds the cows late in the evening there should be no calving at night. Would love to know what he does until these late hours. What happens if ye have kids ? He needs to be either drawing a wage or farm transfer needs to be put in place. Best of luck with it and it might be difficult to be putting your foot down but it has to be done

emaherx

OP since you didn't really want advice on the other stuff. I live 10 min from farm and work off farm also.

I have installed cameras so I can monitor yard and calving pen from my phone/computer.

Muckit

Base price wrote: »

I was just wondering if OP has any involvement in the farm.

I know but she'd be better off staying out of it. The way things are it'd be like throwing petrol on the fire.

At the end of the day this is supposed to be HIS job. I don't go following my wife to work and sitting in beside her computer!!! It may appear that this guy has the world and all of work to get through but the reality in my opinion is that he is inefficient and/or a poor time manager.

He also hasn't realised that relationships/marriage/family in general change things. We all have the same apple tart that is our life. It doesn't get any bigger, so the more things on it, the smaller we have to cut the slices. At the moment it sounds like he's just cut out about 3/4 of it for himself and the farm!! The greedy @%€;t !!

The OP needs to get sorted out asap. She needs to get the message across to him that he either wants his head stuck in between 4 t*ts or 2. The light bulb mightnt be long going off when little John Thomas is suddenly locked out of the playground.

fepper

Muckit wrote: »

I know but she'd be better off staying out of it. The way things are it'd be like throwing petrol on the fire.

At the end of the day this is supposed to be HIS job. I don't go following my wife to work and sitting in beside her computer!!! It may appear that this guy has the world and all of work to get through but the reality in my opinion is that he is inefficient and/or a poor time manager.

He also hasn't realised that relationships/marriage/family in general change things. We all have the same apple tart that is our life. It doesn't get any bigger, so the more things on it, the smaller we have to cut the slices. At the moment it sounds like he's just cut out about 3/4 of it for himself and the farm!! The greedy @%€;t !!

The OP needs to get sorted out asap. She needs to get the message across to him that he either wants his head stuck in between 4 t*ts or 2. The light bulb mightnt be long going off when little John Thomas is suddenly locked out of the playground.

That's the best explanation of getting no bedroom action I've heard in a while

frazzledhome

OP, have you had a frank discussion with your husband. Long hrs can become a habit or in cases may be necessary when building a business.

In your case your husband is an employee and nor well paid from what I can glean from your post.

It's you and he need to have this discussion. You need to clearly outline your position and also get him to realise his position. The last thing you want is for you both to be strung along in the "hope" of getting the farm.

You both need to sit down and have a mature discussion about where you see yourselves as a unit and as a business in 5 yrs. This exercise will take time and will change constantly but if your husband has any respect for himself or you he'll engage in this.

I don't think you going to your in laws and having this meeting will achieve anything other than pigeon holing you as a " trouble maker"

This is an issue that you and your husband have, his work issue is his problem to sort.

It'll all work out with dialogue and if it doesn't the family have no respect for their son, so both of you saddle up and move on. Life is for living. All the best

Sam Kade

Maybe he's seeing another woman.

Muckit

Apologies OP (and all) for the crude ending of my last post. l honestly wouldn't condone what I hinted at.

As others have said, a full and frank conversation needs to be had between you and your husband. His parents should have no hand act or part in it. This is about your lives together and organising it in such a way that work and family life get sufficient time and the correct balance.

As with everything there will be the exceptions. Calving etc may require extra hours in the yard. But conversely social events with family and friends will have to take precedence and he will have to make provisions for this.

WheatenBriar

Sam Kade wrote: »

Maybe he's seeing another woman.

Yes his Mammy

Op,its ridiculous and totally avoidable with some organisation
Put your foot down or it WILL get worse

blue5000

I live 200m from the yard, it's just a nice distance away for small kids. But even 20 miles is too close for a mother in law.

After we got married, we lived in a rented house about 5mins drive away from the yard and I hated it. We were building a house as well by direct labour, which was a steep learning curve too.

You and him need to talk, something is badly wrong if he's there till 10 or 11 every night. If the two of you go to meet the parents you need to be singing off the one hymnsheet, so you need a bit of home work done first. Family meetings are best done in private, a few years ago my wife and I were out for a family meal and the subject of a site came up, we felt like we were ambushed and just walked out.

You need to get this sorted, this weekend if possible. Tackle one thing at a time, don't try get the wages, farm transfer, living arrangements and working hours all sorted now, pick one. Do you go out the nights he's not there? If he's home alone watching tv that's not much of an incentive to finish early either.

If you want to eat an elephant you do it one bite at a time. Remember a lot of us on here have been in a similar situation so this is a good place to ask.