Partner told me he doesn't love me

LegacyUser

When I was 36 weeks pregnant with our now 4 month old, my partner out of the blue told me he didn't love me and hadn't felt anything for me for a number of months. I was obviously devastated because I thought we had a fantastic relationship and I love him deeply. We spent that night talking and crying and he admitted he felt he was depressed and said although he had no feelings for me, he wanted me to stay and he would try get some help. We went to relationship counseling on his suggestion but he hated it so we stopped after a few sessions. He went to his GP and she prescribed him anti depressants…he took them for about 2 months and stopped cold turkey, instead opting to take some mood enhancers he bought online…which he later admitted made him feel worse. The GP also referred him to a counsellor but he never went.

In the meantime I gave birth and have been very lonely but desperately clinging on to some hope that he will love me again. I have broached it with him a number of times and he said the feelings just aren't there. We are renting a house together and for the past 7/8 weeks he has been sleeping in the spare room. I'm just so sad and lonely as I go to bed every night alone with our baby.

Has anybody had any similar experience with a depressed partner who has fallen out of love? Does it ever come back again? Am I flogging a dead horse here? I'm now seeing a counsellor myself because I just feel I have no emotional support…things are tough with a newborn and talking to family about this is not an option as I know they would just judge him/us and would never look at him in the same light again, if we ever managed to work things out. I try to do everything to make him happy - make his breakfast for him every day before he goes to work, healthy dinners on the table when he gets home, do all baby cares, encourage him to go meet friends…try to make his life as stress free as possible but he still acts like someone who is being tortured.

Any advice or input greatly appreciated. Ive given a fairly vague outline of our story in my OP so as not to be tl;dr but will happily elaborate if anyone asks.

Flippyfloppy

You poor thing. I'm so sorry that you're going through this right now, during this very special yet extremely tough time in your life.

All I can say is that while your partner is undeniably going through a hard time too, he is doing absolutely nothing to resolve the problems he is having that spill over into your relationship, your new family. He may not have felt the anti-ds were working but he should have gone back to the doc, and he certainly should of gone to counselling.

At the moment nothing is being doing from his side about it, you're doing everything for him while he shirks his responsibilities by the sounds of it.

He needs to grow up and do something productive, like attend counselling/go back in different meds (they can need tweaking during the beginning), and you should really stop protecting him and talk to a trusted member of your family as it sounds like you need all the support you can get.

intheclouds

@witsend wrote: »

.....I just feel I have no emotional support…things are tough with a newborn and talking to family about this is not an option as I know they would just judge him/us and would never look at him in the same light again, if we ever managed to work things out.

You dont need to feel this way. They wouldnt judge him if he had a serious physical health issue and they wont because he has a mental health issue.

You need support. I hate to say this, but its not all about him - that is not to minimise that he has issues requiring help - but you are a new mother and you need help too. So please talk to someone. And dont be worrying about how they might feel towards him afterwards - thats not important.

Best of luck.

bronab2

If you are afraid of your own family judging maybe approach his family as they might have an insight into why he is feeling like this- maybe a family history. You don't have to be pillar for the whole family, you are going through a hard time too and need some support too. Raising a new born with limited support from a partner is real tough

ManOfMystery

OP,

First off, I'm sorry to hear about current situation. We have a 2yr old and I know how draining a newborn can be, never mind when you have this problem hanging over your head also.

Some relationships end because one partner (or both) fall out of love - it's an unfortunate fact of life. But equally, I have seen many relationships where a person takes too much for granted and realises too late that they have made a massive mistake. This could be due to depression, stress or a thousand other things. However, none of us know your partner or what he's thinking and all we can do at this point is assume he knows his own mind.

My first piece of advice to you would be to quit with the breakfasts, dinners on the table, award him nights out and so on. Providing someone with food or the freedom to go out does not make them fall in love with you. If anything, I would be of the opinion that it's likely counter-productive - you're behaving in an almost motherly way towards your partner and that will not do any favours for how he thinks of you as a partner, a lover and so on.

I also think for your own health that you don't need to be doing so much for your partner. You had a baby not so long ago, and that's exhausting and will continue to be exhausting. Why can't he make his own breakfast? What is he doing for you? Does he take the baby some nights to give you rest? You haven't provided much information about how much help he actually gives you (so forgive me if I'm wide of the mark here), but if it's as little as it sounds then perhaps a kick up the ass would do your partner the world of good.

Let him make dinners half the time.
Let him do some housework and cleaning.
Let him contribute.

Let him mind baby some nights. On those nights, why don't you go out for a coffee with friends, or for a few drinks? Dress up, make yourself look and feel good and enjoy your time out, and don't spend your time thinking what's going on in your partner's head. You getting on with things and having a life of your own will either give him a wakeup call or else he'll do the same - either way you'll have some resolution.

At the risk of generalising here, some men need to be made to feel useful or else they lose sight of their role, their masculinity or whatever you want to call it. It's a ridiculous caveman thing, but the point stands. It may go against your nature, but try doing less for your partner and more for yourself and you may find he will actually start to give a little back to the relationship.

Rubberchikken

he says he doesn't love you. he says he's depressed. granted he went to the gp, counselling, took medications etc, but he's given up at every stage.
do you think it's fair on you to be raising a child by yourself, and looking after someone who claims not to love you but benefits from your kindness in every way i.e food/lodgings/etc?
i think it might be time to decide if you want to continue on the way things are or is it time to make a clean break. he can be involved in his child's life just not living in your home like a lodger.
your baby will grow. how will it look to the child if the situation continues into the future?
good luck

frostyjacks

It's hard to see how this can work out happily ever after. Depression or no depression, his behaviour leaves a lot to be desired. He has abdicated all his responsibilities to you and your baby. He has been given help for his depression but hasn't taken it. He has you waiting on him hand and foot whilst looking after the baby at the same time.

You've gone above and beyond, but he's made his feelings towards you and the baby pretty clear.

ceadaoin.

Sorry to be the one to suggest this but are you sure there isn't anyone else involved? The sudden declaration of not being in love along with apparently not being happy for months, despite that being a total shock to you, is fairly common when someone is having an affair.

Either way, his behaviour towards you and your child is totally out of order. Unfortunately, it does seem like you are flogging a dead horse. Does he expect you to hang around waiting on him hand and foot indefinitely while he makes his mind up? Sorry, but f*ck that! He has left you to deal with one of the biggest and exhausting life changes on your own. The way it is now you are effectively looking after two children. Does he help out with your child at all?

I think you need to talk to someone in real life about this. Could you go and stay with family for a while? The situation at home sounds unbearable for you.

Glitzgirl

Hi op. I'm on the other end of things. I suffered with depression for years (felt like forever !) It stated while I was pregnant and got worse after my son was born.

Firstly let me say I was lucky to have a loving partner who kicked my ass into gear and made sure I made it to my apps during the early stages of depression. I know it may feel like you are mothering him (and indeed you have enough to be doing with a baby) but if I were in your position I would tell you that it takes roughly 3 months to see a difference and it takes counselling and medication to help fight depression. He won't feel like going he may be avoiding everything at this stage but you need to treat him like a child going for a check up for now and drop him off and collect him if needs be.

It was very hard on my partner and I told him I didn't love him, I didn't love my son, I was miserable the whole time. I now have a happy healthy relationship with my partner and two children (one is just a toddler ). All I can say is stay strong, I know it may not seem like your responsiblity but if you want to see if your relationship can be saved do what needs to be done to get him better despite his objections because he is no frame of mind to make life changing decisions now.

Someone else said about him deserving your love and affection with meals etc. Please don't take this the wrong way. If your partner is depressed he may well need someone to look after him until his medication starts to take affect. Once he is better or on the road to recovery I would definitely agree with this. I frequently forget to wash my husbands clothes and when he complain his uniform isn't ready for Monday morning I smile and tell him I must have missed it in the wash basket because that's where I collect the dirty clothes from. A healthy relationship takes two to work it and share the work load !

Glitzgirl

Forgot to add I think we went through a stage of sleeping in separate beds too and that did pass as I got better. <Mod Snip: Against our charter and can earn an immediate ban please take care>. It's difficult on both sides when one partner is suffering from depression and both feel the effects from it but you should have someone to talk to if you can't talk to family.

Also while I think of it, is he active , eating well? You would be amazed how some life style changes can affect your mental well being. That's how I was able to come off and stay off medication. Definitely worth a look OP !

Glitzgirl

Glitzgirl wrote: »

Forgot to add I think we went through a stage of sleeping in separate beds too and that did pass as I got better. <Mod Snip: Against our charter and can earn an immediate ban please take care>. It's difficult on both sides when one partner is suffering from depression and both feel the effects from it but you should have someone to talk to if you can't talk to family.

Also while I think of it, is he active , eating well? You would be amazed how some life style changes can affect your mental well being. That's how I was able to come off and stay off medication. Definitely worth a look OP !

Hi ! Sorry I didn't read the charter the thread just caught my attention can you please tell me what I said was wrong ? I only mentioned the sleeping arrangements as the OP had mentioned the issue? Thanks !
Sorry just seen the sticky about PMs! Sorry OP /mod. Lesson learned ! Will read charters before venturing around again

Meadhbus

In my experience, a properly deep depression is horrible. It's all consuming and impossible to come out of by yourself. You don't want to do anything (I spend most of my time staring at the ceiling). You can't think of anyone but yourself, and you don't feel anything for anyone else.

I'm not surprised he said he didn't love you, but from the little information you've given here, I wonder if it's true.

That being said, it can be as bad (in a different way) to love and look after someone with depression, particularly with a baby. As said above, you'll probably have to force him to go to appointments, take meds, etc. And it will take months.

In the mean time, you also need to look after yourself. Is there someone you can lean on to help out a little? Even just to listen?

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Let him make dinners half the time.
Let him do some housework and cleaning.
Let him contribute.

I'm amazed this post got so many thanks. It fails to mention a pretty important piece of information.
He heads out to work every morning so that they can buy food to cook into dinners.
He goes out to work every morning so that they have a home to live in that can be kept clean.
He's doing so while suffering from depression - something for some people means they can't find the motivation to get out of bed and move to the sofa and sit in front of the TV for the day in the morning.
He does contribute.

Honestly OP, I think if you go with this whole laying down the law angle to him that from now on after he's spent the day working to keep you and the child in food and sleeping indoors, he is to come home to the house you've spent all day in while he was in work and start cooking and cleaning you will be nailing the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. It's absurd. He is contributing by feeding, clothing and sheltering the three of you. You are contributing by cooking the food he is buying for you three, and staying in the home he is paying the rent on to look after your child. Yes, you are minding the child at home. 4 month olds sleep up to 14 hours a day and generally four to five of those hours are during the day. Are you really going to tell him that while he was working to financially support you and the child you chose to spend the hours the child was fast asleep or staring into space to watch TV or play on the internet because you figured it was only fair if he came home from work where he got no such playtime and started cooking dinner and cleaning?

Depression is hard. It must have been incredibly difficult for him to be that honest with you about his feelings. It can take time to come to terms with and time to summon the motivation to put in the work to tackle it. Be a friend to him, be supportive of him, don't play silly games, don't use it to get yourself a break from washing the dishes. He's contributing under circumstances that are difficult for him, you are contributing in circumstances that are difficult for you, you need to support each other at this time, not draw lines in the sand and start making unfair demands. And demanding he both do all the financially beneficial work in the couple, and then come him and lighten your cleaning load because you didn't want to use the time you had free at home to do it, is an unbelievably unfair demand, that's unlikely to do anything other than make you seem selfish.

Ann84

spindlespoon wrote: »

I'm amazed this post got so many thanks. It fails to mention a pretty important piece of information.
He heads out to work every morning so that they can buy food to cook into dinners.
He goes out to work every morning so that they have a home to live in that can be kept clean.
He's doing so while suffering from depression - something for some people means they can't find the motivation to get out of bed and move to the sofa and sit in front of the TV for the day in the morning.
He does contribute.

Honestly OP, I think if you go with this whole laying down the law angle to him that from now on after he's spent the day working to keep you and the child in food and sleeping indoors, he is to come home to the house you've spent all day in while he was in work and start cooking and cleaning you will be nailing the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. It's absurd.
And demanding he both do all the financially beneficial work in the couple, and then come him and lighten your cleaning load because you didn't want to use the time you had free at home to do it, is an unbelievably unfair demand, that's unlikely to do anything other than make you seem selfish.

that is not how I read that post! The point is that the OP may be closing him out of his home life by doing everything for him, making him feel on the outside of his family rather than a participant in it.
I have a number of male colleagues who can't wait to get home and play with their kids and mind them and change nappies, one who spent his weekend making purreed baby food and although they moan about having to cut the grass or clean out the shed - they still seem proud of their place at home while moaning. Work is not defining, it's just work, it pays bills! By doing everything at home, although the OP is trying to help, she may actually be making him feel worse, like he's incapable in his role at home and that will do his depression and self confidence no good! The suggestion that she open him up to his role at home is a really good one in my opinion, who just wants to work and come home and sit on their butt while their family ploughs on without them, that sounds awful.
Also if and when the OP does go back to work herself (if she plans to) they will need to be a team and if he feels left out now he may struggle to bond with the child and lack confidence minding it later...
Yes he goes to work, but like the rest of us he has a family and work at home, good work! I don't think the OP should DEMAND anything, but there are definately things he could be involved in at home or that they could be doing together to engage him more so he doesn't feel let out and useless...

RentDayBlues

spindlespoon wrote: »

He heads out to work every morning so that they can buy food to cook into dinners.
He goes out to work every morning so that they have a home to live in that can be kept clean.
He's doing so while suffering from depression - something for some people means they can't find the motivation to get out of bed and move to the sofa and sit in front of the TV for the day in the morning.
He does contribute.

Honestly OP, I think if you go with this whole laying down the law angle to him that from now on after he's spent the day working to keep you and the child in food and sleeping indoors, he is to come home to the house you've spent all day in while he was in work and start cooking and cleaning you will be nailing the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. It's absurd. He is contributing by feeding, clothing and sheltering the three of you. You are contributing by cooking the food he is buying for you three, and staying in the home he is paying the rent on to look after your child. Yes, you are minding the child at home. 4 month olds sleep up to 14 hours a day and generally four to five of those hours are during the day. Are you really going to tell him that while he was working to financially support you and the child you chose to spend the hours the child was fast asleep or staring into space to watch TV or play on the internet because you figured it was only fair if he came home from work where he got no such playtime and started cooking dinner and cleaning?

This is one of the worst posts I've seen in a very long time, I'm not surprised you posted anonymously, who would want to be be associated with this type of view?

Looking after a newborn baby is so much harder than any job, and the OP has to also cope with an emotionally detached husband.

OP, living with someone who has depression is incredibly hard, but you can't make him better. He needs to do this himself and you need to look after your baby, if he's checked out of the relationship then you need to focus on your happiness and the baby's.

Please continue with the counselling, but please talk to your family. They are there to support you, if you don't want to give them all the details just let them know that things are tough and you need some help

Meadhbus

In my experience, giving someone the opportunity to help out is not enough, and won't really do anything. You might be able to get him involved in enjoyable family activities, but housework, probably not.

For me, it's kind of like coming home after a hard day's work. Bad mood, the house is a state. Most people would just not have the energy or motivation to do anything about it right then. Depression is kind of like that, but magnified, and for months on end. I do find doing something productive always helps, but it's better if it comes from me. If whoever I was living with didn't cook/clean, and I was forced to, I would resent it and feel much worse.

Just try not to expect too much at the moment.

ceadaoin.

spindlespoon wrote: »

I'm amazed this post got so many thanks. It fails to mention a pretty important piece of information.
He heads out to work every morning so that they can buy food to cook into dinners.
He goes out to work every morning so that they have a home to live in that can be kept clean.
He's doing so while suffering from depression - something for some people means they can't find the motivation to get out of bed and move to the sofa and sit in front of the TV for the day in the morning.
He does contribute.

Honestly OP, I think if you go with this whole laying down the law angle to him that from now on after he's spent the day working to keep you and the child in food and sleeping indoors, he is to come home to the house you've spent all day in while he was in work and start cooking and cleaning you will be nailing the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. It's absurd. He is contributing by feeding, clothing and sheltering the three of you. You are contributing by cooking the food he is buying for you three, and staying in the home he is paying the rent on to look after your child. Yes, you are minding the child at home. 4 month olds sleep up to 14 hours a day and generally four to five of those hours are during the day. Are you really going to tell him that while he was working to financially support you and the child you chose to spend the hours the child was fast asleep or staring into space to watch TV or play on the internet because you figured it was only fair if he came home from work where he got no such playtime and started cooking dinner and cleaning?

Depression is hard. It must have been incredibly difficult for him to be that honest with you about his feelings. It can take time to come to terms with and time to summon the motivation to put in the work to tackle it. Be a friend to him, be supportive of him, don't play silly games, don't use it to get yourself a break from washing the dishes. He's contributing under circumstances that are difficult for him, you are contributing in circumstances that are difficult for you, you need to support each other at this time, not draw lines in the sand and start making unfair demands. And demanding he both do all the financially beneficial work in the couple, and then come him and lighten your cleaning load because you didn't want to use the time you had free at home to do it, is an unbelievably unfair demand, that's unlikely to do anything other than make you seem selfish.

You think a 4 month old sleeps 4 hours during the day and 10 hours at night? Lol

The OPs husband sleeps in the spare room every night and she is the one presumably being woken all night doing night feeds and settling the baby. She then has to do all the housework and cooking during the day too as well as looking after a child. By the sounds of it she doesn't get a break. If she wants to spend the babys nap time sleeping or reading magazines she is perfectly entitled to! So what if dinners late or the house is a bit messy. She has a 4 month old!

You talk about supporting each other but from what the OP has written, she is getting absolutely no support but it constantly giving it out. She has tried to help but he isn't taking what is offered. There comes a point when she has to concentrate on herself and her child.

Only 4 months after giving birth she is still at risk of post natal depression herself if she doesn't get some actual support and less stress in her life.

wat24

Having suffered with depression myself I often during low periods felt I didn't love my partner anymore. It sounds harsh but I had no interest in anything in life and that included him. I got treatment and after several weeks I began to feel normal again and could see how much he cares and looks after me and how much I love him and couldn't live without him. I can't speak for your partner but I know from my experience low periods for me involve staying in bed and cutting everyone off. Hopefully he will realise he needs to get help and stick with it because this is very unfair on you. Well done for staying strong with him hopefully he'll realise all you've done to help him soon

ManOfMystery

spindlespoon wrote: »

I'm amazed this post got so many thanks. It fails to mention a pretty important piece of information.
He heads out to work every morning so that they can buy food to cook into dinners.
He goes out to work every morning so that they have a home to live in that can be kept clean.
He's doing so while suffering from depression - something for some people means they can't find the motivation to get out of bed and move to the sofa and sit in front of the TV for the day in the morning.
He does contribute.

Honestly OP, I think if you go with this whole laying down the law angle to him that from now on after he's spent the day working to keep you and the child in food and sleeping indoors, he is to come home to the house you've spent all day in while he was in work and start cooking and cleaning you will be nailing the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. It's absurd. He is contributing by feeding, clothing and sheltering the three of you. You are contributing by cooking the food he is buying for you three, and staying in the home he is paying the rent on to look after your child. Yes, you are minding the child at home. 4 month olds sleep up to 14 hours a day and generally four to five of those hours are during the day. Are you really going to tell him that while he was working to financially support you and the child you chose to spend the hours the child was fast asleep or staring into space to watch TV or play on the internet because you figured it was only fair if he came home from work where he got no such playtime and started cooking dinner and cleaning?

Depression is hard. It must have been incredibly difficult for him to be that honest with you about his feelings. It can take time to come to terms with and time to summon the motivation to put in the work to tackle it. Be a friend to him, be supportive of him, don't play silly games, don't use it to get yourself a break from washing the dishes. He's contributing under circumstances that are difficult for him, you are contributing in circumstances that are difficult for you, you need to support each other at this time, not draw lines in the sand and start making unfair demands. And demanding he both do all the financially beneficial work in the couple, and then come him and lighten your cleaning load because you didn't want to use the time you had free at home to do it, is an unbelievably unfair demand, that's unlikely to do anything other than make you seem selfish.

Yes, I failed to mention that he goes out to work every morning. The OP had already mentioned that, so I felt no need to repeat it.

Why is it so crucially important? Do the vast majority of us not head out to work every morning, children or no children? Does that mean the OP's partner can come in the evening, put his feet up for the night and then get a sound night's sleep, whilst still remaining emotionally detached?

My wife and I both work. When we had our child, she took the normal maternity leave period. Regardless of work or the fact that she was at home most days with the baby, we still took turns with night feeds and all the rest. That's not something that even needs said or acknowledged - it's simply the way it should be with two parents bringing up a child together.

When I said the OP's partner needs to contribute, I didn't mean financially, which is what you seem to have locked onto. Perhaps that explains your surprise why my post was liked a number of times. I meant he needs to contribute in terms of time look after the baby, contributing emotionally to their relationship, and all the other things that come with it.

Having a job does not give you a license to ignore your partner and not help with a new child. Thousands of us manage to do it. If anything, looking after a child all day and night is more taxing and mentally exhausting - particularly if they are having reflux or not sleeping well and so on. I stand by my original point that him participating more often and more consistently may actually work wonders for whatever he is going through where he is isolating himself.

Flippyfloppy

Did I miss where the OP said she was a SAHM? If her baby is only 4 months old, she would still be on maternity leave from work, and like some of us, be getting full pay. She could be the main bread winner for all we know! There's nothing to suggest he's putting a roof over the families head.

And it's neither here nor there anyway. Op needs a break just as much as he does.

Meadhbus

Doing anything, particularly work is nigh on impossible when you have depression, and I do think he deserves credit for that. Having a job does not give him a licence to shirk his responsibilities, but having depression at least gives him a reason.

He's not some irresponsible father, I gathered (correct me if I'm wrong) that he was a decent one before this. Consider how you would feel about it if he had a physical illness, that could potentially risk his life. Mental illness is just as debilitating, valid and life threatening.

Of course, this doesn't make anything easier on the OP at the moment. I think the biggest way he is failing is by not trying to get better. But that's hard to do too.

Flippyfloppy

Meadhbus wrote: »

Doing anything, particularly work is nigh on impossible when you have depression, and I do think he deserves credit for that. Having a job does not give him a licence to shirk his responsibilities, but having depression at least gives him a reason.

He's not some irresponsible father, I gathered (correct me if I'm wrong) that he was a decent one before this. Consider how you would feel about it if he had a physical illness, that could potentially risk his life. Mental illness is just as debilitating, valid and life threatening.

Of course, this doesn't make anything easier on the OP at the moment. I think the biggest way he is failing is by not trying to get better. But that's hard to do too.

Going to work is not impossible for everyone who has depression. I'm speaking from experience as well as knowing plenty dealing with depression. Of course it is for some people but let's not generalise here.

Also this is his first time as a father, he told op his feelings before their baby was born and has been living in the spare room since the baby was two months.

The bottom line is yes he should be doing something to get better, he has his child and partner to think of. All the meals and nights out aren't going to help him it will just burn the OP out.