Exhausted being single

magneticimpulse

Mid 30's and really getting browned off being single. Had a 1 year long distance relationship when I was 27 and was seeing a guy for 3 months when I was 31. Besides that I've had poor luck trying to meet guys. I've been on match.com for 15 years, plenty of fish and recently tinder. I have since deleted them since 1 month ago because it got to the point where I've had only 1 successful 3 month relationship in 15 years with an average of meeting 10 guys from online a year! They were taking up so much time considering the few dates I was getting to on in return.

I've been doing meetup since 2008....and go to at least 2 meetups a week. I'm in a gym/ pool and go to fitness classes weekly. I've lost 2 stone in weight and toned up - I was never overweight to begin with but happier now. I dress to impress. I'm not high maintenance by any means....I'm quite happy to go out casual without makeup or dress up. Ive traveled the world by myself, go to gigs, have interests. I've bought lots of dating books from the rules, get the guy, women who love too much and I watch various dating coaches on YouTube daily. I also read their dating newsletters. I've gone to a find your soul mate seminars/talks. I went to a councillor about 3 times...though I've no issues in my life so it was a waste of time - the conclusion was I didn't want to be alone and I wanted to be in a relationship.I also went to a life coach who specialised in relationships. I wanted to sign up with her again but she could only offer once a month on times when I'm in work. The above might seem like I'm trying to hard but I really don't look to much for guys....if anything I never chat to guys in bars or make an effort to make eye contact....though at the moment I'm not really going on girls nights out. If you ask my friends they say I'm really a person who comes across as happy and independent and who lives life as a single person without looking or needing a guy.....but despite that front, deep down I'm really ready to see someone/have a boyfriend and move onto the next stage of life.

I just don't know where I am going wrong?

Some things I know that don't help:
Friends who are married with kids no longer go out - or we just go for walks in park or drink tea in their house
Friends who are single in mid 30s don't make an effort to dress sexy/keep fit/ chat to guys....they've become too comfortable and it's hard then to create an opportunity if we do go out to bars.
I regularly meet 20somethings for drinks and that's great, but the guys I fancy seem really shy and uncomfortable around me...plus they 10years younger so it just hasn't happened.
The meetup people are a mix bag...great for getting out but never met anyone I clicked with romantically there - mix between retired people and au pairs/students/married people
I've been going out week after week as a single person for the past 18 years...it's hard to be always fun/happy/fresh about bars/dating/relationships when you've been making an effort for so many years with so little success....it's exhausting being the forever optimist

The number one problem - if I like someone Im too eager....I kiss, all over them, sleep with them too soon and I think I might come across as needy/too easy. The guys I think are attractive but not overly into chasing straight away - im too slow with and they stop calling after 4 dates because they think I'm not interested.......getting that balance is killing me overall!!! Ultimately I would love to end up with the guy I fancy straight away.

how did you go from single to relationship? How or where did you meet someone? What can I do differently to what I'm already doing to meet someone?

CaraMay

I think you give up and stop trying so hard. It's a cliche but it does happen when you least expect it. You seem to do everything to meet the right person but what do you do just to enjoy yourself? Give yourself a holiday from men. Just have fun and stop trying to orchestrate a meeting. It will only happen when the time is right - if it's going to happen

magneticimpulse

CaraMay wrote: »

I think you give up and stop trying so hard. It's a cliche but it does happen when you least expect it. You seem to do everything to meet the right person but what do you do just to enjoy yourself? Give yourself a holiday from men. Just have fun and stop trying to orchestrate a meeting. It will only happen when the time is right - if it's going to happen

The only times I've had boyfriends (the long distance one) was actually when I went looking for a boyfriend as cliche as that sound. I went on a night out by myself and was determined to meet someone and I met my boyfriend there....in fact any other times myself and my friends stick in the corner of a bar chatting all night and none of us make eye contact or chat to attract guys.

Surely for 35 years I should have had more luck? You say it only happens when the time is right.....but surely not everyone just has pure luck meeting someone? Ive not been looking at all....september was last date i had. Ive not been to a night in town in months at the weekend. I worry because my friends tell me i should be lookibg or ask if ive found anyone. They tell me i should have moved on and found someone by now as ive been single for years.....they ask why such a great girl is still single.

I worry when i look at my friends in their mid 40s and they have taken a year off work to go traveling because they cant bare being in dublin any longer and single for years....that they have everything going for them but havent met a man....that they might have run out of time to have a family.

I worry that the only option for me to have a family now is to seriously consider sperm donor and ivf....i get lectures from some GPs for leaving it too late to have a baby and do i know the risks involved? I look at my single female friends who have done this and see how though it is for them to do it alone.

Its really really tough and it doesnt get any easier the more years you spend single. It is alot of pressure.....and yes i take regular holidays in the year to keep occupied but its hard to forget about it easier said then done

R.D. aka MR.D

My friend's older sister has a group of friends who sound a bit like yourself. They go out every weekend and look to meet men. They all look fantastic and are genuinely interested in meeting people. They are all in good jobs, have travelled etc.

The problem? They are far too picky and over analyse everything. If the guy isn't the exact match of what they want or doesn't act (texting etc) exactly how they want, they reject him.

You say that you've been going to meetups. Have you not met one single man there? Have you made new friends at them?

I'm getting married next year, my OH and every single relationship before him, I've always thought we were friends and then something sparked in my mind like 'oh he's really nice or he's really interesting' and then things have moved on from there. I know everyone is different but it always starts out as friendship for me. My current OH always makes fun of me because I told him on the very first day we hung out (we were coworkers and he was showing me around the city I had just moved to on my first week there) 'I'm not getting into a relationship here. I don't want that. I'm here for a year and that's all' and he said 'You can't help who you fall in love with' and well he was right in the end! 2 weeks later, a bottle of whiskey after a work dinner and we hooked up. The rest is history.

The point is, being on look out all the time might blind you to the people who you should be looking at. Concentrate on making friends with people of both genders and don't worry about 'finding a boyfriend'. It's cliched advice for a reason...

njs030

I agree with caramay, you're trying too hard. You might think it doesn't show but it always does.

You sound desperate to have a relationship with anyone who is willing rather than spending time with people and letting it develop naturally.

Stop throwing yourself at men, treat them the same as you would a new friend in terms of contact. Sleep with someone when you want to and when you feel comfortable. Enjoy someone's company rather than trying to work out if it could lead somewhere and enjoy it!! Dating is fun and exciting....try to find that place again.

Finally.....please throw away every book about how to find a man. They are complete rubbish, if you insist on living by "rules" and playing games about how long to wait to have sex or, that he should chase you etc it's guaranteed he will move on to someone who isn't such hard work.

magneticimpulse

I kake lots of friends...male and female. I wouldnt say im too picky. If anything its always the guys decision to not take things futher. I just go with the flow and see if a guy is interested - that hasnt happened at the meetups. I go there to meet people not to meet a boyfriend. I keep an open mind.

The last guy i met was a coworker and exact story as you (we met away we got on great at the time) but i liked him too much and he is in a relationship with someone else and he is not interested in me.

I just have everything in my life ticked....but somehow im coming across as not girlfriend material to guys im always the girl they date before the one they marry. Since ive little experience its hard to know the pace o should take a telationship...how often to text, how often to see each other. I find im either wanting too much or im taking it too slow....i never seem to have a clue what to do when i do finally meet someone

R.D. aka MR.D

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I just have everything in my life ticked....but somehow im coming across as not girlfriend material to guys im always the girl they date before the one they marry. Since ive little experience its hard to know the pace o should take a telationship...how often to text, how often to see each other. I find im either wanting too much or im taking it too slow....i never seem to have a clue what to do when i do finally meet someone

Would you say that you are playing games with a lot of these guys? I don't mean in a negative way but are you doing things like 'I should want 2 hours before I text him because he waited two hours', that kind of thing?

You say that you liked him too much but he was already in a relationship. So, it wasn't that you liked him too much.

You say that it's the guys decision to not take things forward. What feedback have you gotten from that? Why do you think that is?

Augme

You sound like you are over-thinking everything far too much. Stop worrying about when to text, how often to text, when to sleep together and just start doing things at a level YOU feel comfortable with. I bolded the you part because that's most important and I actually mean you. A big problem is you seem to make your decisions based on what other people think or what you think other people might think. "Oh he might think I'm needy if I text now" "Oh he might think I'm easy if I sleep with him now" etc etc. Every guy is different and you can't mind read. A lot of people seem to think members of the opposite sex all have the exact same mind-sets. "Men like this" "women don't like it when you do that". It's bollox really we're all different.

As it stand it's possible you are coming across as needy and as sometime with low self-confidence when it comes to dating which are both big turn-offs.

magneticimpulse

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

Would you say that you are playing games with a lot of these guys? I don't mean in a negative way but are you doing things like 'I should want 2 hours before I text him because he waited two hours', that kind of thing?

You say that you liked him too much but he was already in a relationship. So, it wasn't that you liked him too much.

You say that it's the guys decision to not take things forward. What feedback have you gotten from that? Why do you think that is?

No i wasnt playing games at all. I was texting right away and texting lots....more of wjat augme suggested is coming across as too needy.

The coworker was single when we got together like a house on fire....we couldnt keep our clothes on....and wanted to be together alot...we met away with work and hit it off with lots of chemistry. I returned to ireland and we didnt stay together. Then he asked me out on a couple of dates. He had kissed another girl in front of me when we were away and the dinner was to apologise for being a dick to me....but i was confused where i stood with him. He didnt spend my birthday or make an effort over christmas to see me....he canceled dates and then he just wanted me to call to his house for sex when ever he felt like it.

He then met someone and all of a sudden was in a serious relationship and he made it clear he was not interested in me.

Honestly i think i am attractive and have no problem with getting guys. I kust dont understand why they are turned off by me....since ive not have experience of what makes a guy stay interested in a girl then thats why i find it difficult to know where im going wrong keeping him

magneticimpulse

The feedback ive gotten from various guys was:

He has a dark side (he never told me what)

Im too old to have a baby and he ideally wants a 30 yr old to have his baby....dont i know the risks i would cause.

I want a relationship and he just wants to be go out with a 21 year old (these guys end up in long term relationships with their stick thin 21 year old....yet im still on the shelf)

He makes me angry and i send essay long texts (i get frustrated when i didnt know where things are going - if we are boyfriend or just stringing me along for sex especially since he had kissed someone else) (same guy said we will always have brillant chemistry and the sex was the best he ever had but he is not interested as we are not compatible or i want a relationship and he doesnt - only he is now in a relationship)

Im a really nice person but there is someone better for me out there

I should make more effort with my dresses as im very attractive but doing myself injustice by dressing too conservative - (he told me my dress looked like a tablecloth - i have since changed my style to dress more sexy And younger - though downside i now get chatted up by 19 year olds. Same guy said I could do with going to the gym more - hence i lost 2 stone.)

You are having a laugh that no guy has ever chatted you up in a bar?

I slept with too many (i know to never discuss previous numbers again...being 35 and single all that time adds up...even if 3 years go by with no sex)

Im too experienced in the bedroom.

I try too many kinky things in tge bedroom...i need a christian grey and hes just not that type of guy

He is just too quite and boring for me

I slept too soon with him - apparently i came across as being too comfortable with sleeping with him straight away (even though the reality was i hadnt had sex in 2 years)

Im great for friends with benefits but he is off to find a long term girlfriend

I didnt kiss him too soon enough and that his previous 2 exes cheated on him (i dont know what that had to do with me....ive never cheated on anyone...i told him i wanted to take it slow after meeting previous dickheads)

You shouldnt tell guys youve been online dating - successful girls dont need that

I come across as not interested

I come across as smothering

++++kinda a mix bag of responses++++++if anything the guys are the picky ones+++also i dont know if some are true or they being sarcastic?

Augme

The list of excuses and the previous story of the co-worker to me simply highlight the fact that you seem so desperate to get into a relationship that you are more than happy for men to treat you like ****. Not only that, but in your current state I'd worry that you'd end up dating a complete asshole and being blinded by the fact he's an asshole because you are so desperate. Also the fact you seem to consistently date complete dickheads should be another big worry.

He makes me angry and i send essay long texts (i get frustrated when i didnt know where things are going - if we are boyfriend or just stringing me along for sex especially since he had kissed someone else) (same guy said we will always have brillant chemistry and the sex was the best he ever had but he is not interested as we are not compatible or i want a relationship and he doesnt - only he is now in a relationship)

If he mades you angry why did you keep on seeing him? If kissed someone else it pissed you off why keep on seeing him?

I should make more effort with my dresses as im very attractive but doing myself injustice by dressing too conservative - he told me my dress looked like a tablecloth - i have since changed my style to dress more sexy And younger - though downside i now get chatted up by 19 year olds. Sane guy said I could do with going to the gym more - hence i lost 2 stone.

Holy **** what an asshole. Why did you listen to this guy about your dress sense and going to the gym? Not only that but, you actually wanted to keep seeing this guy?

I slept with too many (i know to never discuss previous numbers again)

Slut shaming. Always an great quality in a partner.....

I slept too soon with him - apparently i came across as being too comfortable with sleeping with him straight away (even though the reality was i hadnt had sex in 2 years)

Being a massive ****ing hypocrite. Always an great quality in a partner.....

You shouldnt tell guys youve been online dating - successful girls dont need that

I really hope this wasn't a guy you met online.

Going back to your OP

I went to a councillor about 3 times...though I've no issues in my life so it was a waste of time

I'd honestly say that your lack of self-confidence/self-esteem/self-respect is pretty big issue in your life. People won't treat you with respect if you have none for yourself. Looking at the above incidents it seems like you have no self-respect for yourself and you're happy to be treated like a doormat.

magneticimpulse

Augme wrote: »

The list of excuses and the previous story of the co-worker to me simply highlight the fact that you seem so desperate to get into a relationship that you are more than happy for men to treat you like ****. Not only that, but in your current state I'd worry that you'd end up dating a complete asshole and being blinded by the fact he's an asshole because you are so desperate. Also the fact you seem to consistently date complete dickheads should be another big worry.




If he mades you angry why did you keep on seeing him? If kissed someone else it pissed you off why keep on seeing him?




Holy **** what an asshole. Why did you listen to this guy about your dress sense and going to the gym? Not only that but, you actually wanted to keep seeing this guy?



Slut shaming. Always an great quality in a partner.....



Being a massive ****ing hypocrite. Always an great quality in a partner.....



I really hope this wasn't a guy you met online.

Going back to your OP



I'd honestly say that your lack of self-confidence/self-esteem/self-respect is pretty big issue in your life. People won't treat you with respect if you have none for yourself. Looking at the above incidents it seems like you have no self-respect for yourself and you're happy to be treated like a doormat.

I didnt keep seeing these guys! Of course i have respect for myself....thats why im single. If i was a doormat i would have stayed with the guys. If anything it made me stronger. I easily stay away from guys who show naked pics and just want one night stands....but the guys above who made really ****ty comments were work colleagues. It was true i was blinded at first because i trusted we had mutual friends, i trusted that they must have been somewhat decent for the company to have employed them - but i know now that means nothing. I didnt have relationships with those guys. I was also blinded that majority of my friends met their husbands at work....i know just because you work with someone doesnt mean they will be nice to you!

The advice was....im looking too hard, im too picky, im playing games and if i wasnt playing games and i do attract guys what is their feedback? Would you say im wrong to be picky after the above feedback?

I do meet nice guys but they say i take things too slow with them. Hence why i feel its a no win situation.

My self esteem was 100%....in fact i try not to come across as cocky, arogant etc because if i listed all the success in other areas in my life i could come across that way. My self esteem would be only low with dating because of meeting so many assholes...hence why im exhausted by it all. Its hard to stay motivated. But im by no means desperate....hence why ive been single for 35 years....i wouldnt date an asshole....i just need to know how to keep the nice guys without them thinking im going too slow

Im not desperate to have a man....as i mentioned i have been considering ivf to start a family without a man.

But i think....why dont i deserve a companion, dont i deserve a loving relationship, a soulmate? Soneone to share my life with? To share hallmark holidays with soneone? To gain in laws? To have the same sexual partner? To have regular sex life? To not meet anymore assholes nor to need tinder or go on crap dares ever again? To no longer go on holudays alone or to restaurants or weddings alone. To buy a home, to start a family with? For my kids to know their biological parents. Its not a neccessity that i need a boyfriend or am i desperate for one.....ive managed being single all this time.

Society is set up for people to be in relationships and i think when someone is at a stage in their life its something tvey want. Why should i be considered not ready, low self esteem, lots of issues etc just because i dont know how to meet a decent guy? You wouldnt tell a parent with a new born baby they have issues because taking care of a baby is a new experience....i think the same with meeting someone. Its just something i dont have experience with but i see no harm in wanting to meet someone

R.D. aka MR.D

I agree with Augme, you seem to have met a lot of nasty guys.

Do you have much in common with the people that you are trying to date? I know everyone is different and there are plenty of people married to a partner that they have very little in common with but what do you talk about?

Do you have interests that you pursue? Have you ever met anyone through those?

You say that your self-esteem is high. Why do you need a man? To be honest, if I had to be single for the rest of my life then I wouldn't be devastated. I'd get a dog and live my life. Have fun, travel, spend my time pursuing what I enjoy. I know people view singletons as 'sad' but why? I had plenty of single women in my extended family and they lived very fulfilled and exciting lives. Why is it so important to you that you are spending all this energy on it?

magneticimpulse

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

I agree with Augme, you seem to have met a lot of nasty guys.

Do you have much in common with the people that you are trying to date? I know everyone is different and there are plenty of people married to a partner that they have very little in common with but what do you talk about?

Do you have interests that you pursue? Have you ever met anyone through those?

You say that your self-esteem is high. Why do you need a man? To be honest, if I had to be single for the rest of my life then I wouldn't be devastated. I'd get a dog and live my life. Have fun, travel, spend my time pursuing what I enjoy. I know people view singletons as 'sad' but why? I had plenty of single women in my extended family and they lived very fulfilled and exciting lives. Why is it so important to you that you are spending all this energy on it?

Why is it important to you thst you are spending energy getting married? Is that not hypocritical to say you would enjoy being single when you are getting married? To be honest i have had aunties in my family who never met anyone and lived into their 80s single - they told us the only regret they had in life was staying single. You say you would get a dog? But surely that is some sort of companion? Id just like that companion to be able to talk back to me and go on holidays with. - yes i have traveled the world alone....so no i dont need someone to do those things with....its a fundamental want to be with someone.

Ive not met anyone through my interests or meetup. The people at them are already in relationships. Well the people i am trying to date have been either from online dating or work....i mean how much such anyone have something in common?i would say i like most things they like. I dont see how their lives are so different...when i see the girls that my exes end up with....they are no different interest wise compared to me.

Ive explained many times in this post that i dont need a man.....but i also explained i woukd like a partner, to enjoy sex etc. Theres numerous posts on here about lack of sex in relatiobships as just one example.....ive never seen anyone reply with sure as a man why woukd you want sex? Surely you should be happy eithout it?

I dont think telling me x y z is bad about me for wanting to be in a relationship. I wanted to know about how to meet a decent nice guy.

R.D. aka MR.D

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Why is it important to you thst you are spending energy getting married? Is that not hypocritical to say you would enjoy being single when you are getting married? To be honest i have had aunties in my family who never met anyone and lived into their 80s single - they told us the only regret they had in life was staying single. You say you would get a dog? But surely that is some sort of companion? Id just like that companion to be able to talk back to me and go on holidays with. - yes i have traveled the world alone....so no i dont need someone to do those things with....its a fundamental want to be with someone.

Ive not met anyone through my interests or meetup. The people at them are already in relationships. Well the people i am trying to date have been either from online dating or work....i mean how much such anyone have something in common?i would say i like most things they like. I dont see how their lives are so different...when i see the girls that my exes end up with....they are no different interest wise compared to me.

Ive explained many times in this post that i dont need a man.....but i also explained i woukd like a partner, to enjoy sex etc. Theres numerous posts on here about lack of sex in relatiobships as just one example.....ive never seen anyone reply with sure as a man why woukd you want sex? Surely you should be happy eithout it?

I dont think telling me x y z is bad about me for wanting to be in a relationship. I wanted to know about how to meet a decent nice guy.

Marriage isn't important to me. It just happened. I met someone who I want to be with and he wants to be with me. We have to get married because we are both from different countries so logistically we have to be married. It's not hypocritical of me because I genuinely wouldn't mind if I was single forever but it happened that I did meet someone who wants to be with me. I didn't put a lot of effort into finding him. I didn't desperately seek him out.

I'm sorry if you thought that I was attacking you. I never said that you shouldn't want sex. I was trying to make the point that you are putting a lot of effort into something and it doesn't seem to be working for you. Is it really worth all the effort?

This is obviously a touchy subject for you but I really don't appreciate being accused of being a hypocrite for offering you advice that you asked for. I never said you were bad for looking for a relationship.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

CaraMay

You are not taking on any points being made to you op so I really don't see what you are going to get out of this thread.

ManOfMystery

magneticimpulse wrote: »

The feedback ive gotten from various guys was:

He has a dark side (he never told me what).............

I'm a man. So here's my opinion, as a male who has had plenty of relationships and dated and so on - for what it's worth.

I like curvy women.
My friend likes skinny women.

I like women who dress classy and in ways that suit their figure. Doesn't necessarily mean conservative all the time.
My friend goes for the type who are always in mini-skirts with as much chest on display as possible.

I'm not really attracted to loud or in-your-face women. Neither am I attracted to shy mousey types. Somewhere in between is good.
My friend isn't bothered either way. He likes fun and confident girls, and if they're 'loud' that's part of the package.

My point is, every single man has his own unique set of things which attract him to a woman. Some men may have similar tastes, but once you start narrowing it down to weight/height/hair colour/dress style/attitude/political bias/religious bias/etc ......... no two men are going to have exactly the same taste.

So with that in mind - why on earth are you dressing a certain way because it wasn't appealing to one single man? Why are you losing weight because it wasn't appealing to one single man? These are 2 examples you've mentioned, but I'm sure somewhere along the 15 years you've changed a lot of other things about yourself because of 'feedback' from whatever individual you were interested in at that time.

Unlike posters above, I don't think your original post makes you sound like you reek of desperation. However, I do think you're being swayed far too much by the opinions of the opposite sex and are trying to mould yourself into a figure which will appeal to as many as possible. That will never happen, because of what I've said already - for every man that wants you stick-thin, another will prefer you curvy.

The old cliché rings true here : be yourself.

Be a weight you're happy and comfortable with. Lose weight if you want to - for health or looks - but not because a man you were in a short-term relationship with thought you should.
Wear what you like - not what others think you should.
The same goes for every other unique aspect of your look and your character. Whatever choices you make, make them because they make you happy.

I have on occasion gone out with girls who weren't my particular 'type'. You know why? Because they were confident, happy and content with their look, style and attitude - and happy in their own skin. That attracted me more than anything and transcended any physical attributes which are normally what first attract me.

I know that because you haven't been in a long term relationship for so long, it's natural to examine the reasons why that hasn't happened. But it feels like you're looking into it too deeply, examining the 'feedback' from men too closely and finding faults with yourself. It's a simple fact of life that it happens quickly for some people and slowly for others, it's as much due to the luck of the draw as to personal choices. My only advice for you is to be more content in yourself and you may inadvertently find that you draw more potential partners to you.

baby and crumble

I have to say, OP, you seem really negative about everything. That's the first thing I'd try and address. Yes, everyone deserves happiness, like you say, but it's not a god-given right that you'll meet someone who is romantically and sexually attracted to you in the same way you are to them.

Secondly, you seems to choose complete dicks to get involved with. Seriously, I don't know many lads that would just randomly tell people "You need to lose weight" or "You slept with me too soon". Those guys are asshats.

Thirdly, you are really defensive. Yes, being single sucks. I'd hate to be single, because like you, I want companionship in my life, and someone to come home to of an evening. But what's the point in coming here, asking for feedback and opinions and then just arguing with everyone? You're spoiling for a fight, or something.

FortySeven

Stop watching sex and the city. There's nothing complicated about getting a mate. Make yourself available and one will come along. Stop being a needy drama queen and he might hang around. It's basic, basic stuff ffs. People have been doing it since the dawn of time. You also have the advantage of being female. Get out and get some.

milli milli

OP please take on the advice that others are offering. No one is attacking you.
It's hard to be in your situation - I know, I'm there! Long term single but the difference with me is I've had long term relationships.
You say that you don't date assholes but you've given us an example of an asshole that you've dated. I read that situation as a lust-fuelled encounter while you were both away and you hung out as you probably knew nobody else. Then when ye came back home, he didn't hang around so much and kissed a girl in front of you. You actually went for dinner with this guy afterward! A self-respecting woman would not entertain a man like this for dinner. Even if he was apologising! Maybe you felt because you had slept with him and you were somewhat invested, that you'd try to make it work?
I know I've made the same mistake after sleeping with someone too soon.
People can sleep with others whenever they want but for me now personally I wait, as I can't see things clearly after sex and also I would want an emotional investment from a guy first of all. I've been stung too many times and want to be sure.

You've been changing things about yourself because guys have told you so. Again this is about your esteem and self-respect. You can't live your life like this. You need to have faith in yourself, be the best person you can be, develop a love and respect for yourself so strong that comments like this will have little effect.

It's normal to question what it is you're doing when for whatever reason you've been long-term single. What starts out as thinking it's just bad luck and missed opportunities turns into a twisted psychological evaluation of yourself. You end up questioning everything about you and thinking well I must be doing something wrong to be in this position. It does eat away at your esteem and in your position (I mean this with the greatest respect to you) it's gotten to the point where you are taking on mean advice from basically strangers.

You say your confidence is great and 'it can't be that, that's the problem.' You probably are confident in other aspects of your life but it is lacking in your love-life. What is probably going against you is your lack of experience. I can spot a player a mile away now but that's only after being burned several times.

The only advice I can offer you is be yourself, love yourself, don't allow men to have this power over you.
Cultivate a fulfilling life for yourself. if meet-up isn't working for you, then join other clubs, tag rugby, social dance classes, photography classes, etc.
But don't be doing these things just to meet men. Take the focus off meeting men for a bit and work on expanding your social circle a bit more. Live your life that you're so excited and fulfilled by it, that you don't need a man. A man would be a nice addition but he is not the be-and-end all.

via4

I have to admit I use to be like yourself constantly going out trying to make my life seem interesting trying so hard to meet a man but it never happened. Then one day something in me snapped and I thought to myself I am standing my ground I am not going to let guys walk all over me now I am saying what I want and if they dont like it then move on to the next girl because I need to be treated with respect now. I have recently met someone (miracle) and I wasnt afraid to say what I wanted I will never "go with the flow" again as I think that is showing them you havnt got the guts to say what you really want. I came clean with the guy about where my head was at and we seem to be on the same wavelength. He actually said he liked the way we could chat honestly and there was no second guessing. I am in no way an expert on this subject I am unlucky in love also but what I would say is to relax a little I see those girls in my town out EVERY WEEKEND dressed to impress make up perfect and they never have a man. I go out once in a blue moon and I admitted to the guy look I have calmed down over the years I dont go out much I like to relax. He was delighted to hear this which was nice. So my advice is to relax if you can and be firm about what you want and no sleeing with them until you are a million percent sure they are genuine. Best of luck xxx

Augme

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I didnt keep seeing these guys! Of course i have respect for myself....thats why im single. If i was a doormat i would have stayed with the guys. If anything it made me stronger. I easily stay away from guys who show naked pics and just want one night stands....but the guys above who made really ****ty comments were work colleagues. It was true i was blinded at first because i trusted we had mutual friends, i trusted that they must have been somewhat decent for the company to have employed them - but i know now that means nothing. I didnt have relationships with those guys. I was also blinded that majority of my friends met their husbands at work....i know just because you work with someone doesnt mean they will be nice to you!

The advice was....im looking too hard, im too picky, im playing games and if i wasnt playing games and i do attract guys what is their feedback? Would you say im wrong to be picky after the above feedback?

I do meet nice guys but they say i take things too slow with them. Hence why i feel its a no win situation.

My self esteem was 100%....in fact i try not to come across as cocky, arogant etc because if i listed all the success in other areas in my life i could come across that way. My self esteem would be only low with dating because of meeting so many assholes...hence why im exhausted by it all. Its hard to stay motivated. But im by no means desperate....hence why ive been single for 35 years....i wouldnt date an asshole....i just need to know how to keep the nice guys without them thinking im going too slow

Im not desperate to have a man....as i mentioned i have been considering ivf to start a family without a man.

But i think....why dont i deserve a companion, dont i deserve a loving relationship, a soulmate? Soneone to share my life with? To share hallmark holidays with soneone? To gain in laws? To have the same sexual partner? To have regular sex life? To not meet anymore assholes nor to need tinder or go on crap dares ever again? To no longer go on holudays alone or to restaurants or weddings alone. To buy a home, to start a family with? For my kids to know their biological parents. Its not a neccessity that i need a boyfriend or am i desperate for one.....ive managed being single all this time.

Society is set up for people to be in relationships and i think when someone is at a stage in their life its something tvey want. Why should i be considered not ready, low self esteem, lots of issues etc just because i dont know how to meet a decent guy? You wouldnt tell a parent with a new born baby they have issues because taking care of a baby is a new experience....i think the same with meeting someone. Its just something i dont have experience with but i see no harm in wanting to meet someone

Apologies, it's just in the OP you said after about 4 dates guys tend not to contact you. But I think someone who has good self-esteem/self respect would never completely change their dress sense and weight based on what one guy said to them.

As you said yourself - you think you're are too needy/easy. Where does this neediness stem from?

woodchuck

OP I think quite simply, if you're getting exhausted with dating, take a break from it! Deactivate your online dating accounts and just don't even think about it for a while. Whether that's for a few weeks or a few months. Dating should be fun, but if you're not finding it fun atm, take a step back. If nothing else, people can pick up on when you're not really enjoying it, so you're extremely unlike to be successful when you're sending out those vibes. So wait as long as it takes for you to find the idea of dating again exciting and then get back on the horse.

Merkin

FortySeven wrote: »

Stop watching sex and the city. There's nothing complicated about getting a mate. Make yourself available and one will come along. Stop being a needy drama queen and he might hang around. It's basic, basic stuff ffs. People have been doing it since the dawn of time. You also have the advantage of being female. Get out and get some.

Kindly mind your manners. There is a very basic standard of how best to interact with other posters which can be found in the forum charter. I suggest you go and read it.

ManOfMystery

Although I have already replied in this thread, I came across this post from you OP in another thread

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Omg OP....you make women seem so shallow!!! You think the girl just wanted a night out? You didn't contact her!! It's up to men to chase women in the beginning. Women don't want to come across as needy....only after 8 weeks do women feel comfortable. You seriously need to check out Corey Wayne advice on YouTube as you haven't a clue about how to treat women.

If this is indicative of your general attitude towards dating, it may be part of your problem. Saying "its up to men to chase women" is gender discriminating nonsense which really has no place in 2015. And as for Corey Wayne, he has a large following but to be honest I'm surprised you're putting so much stock in the words of an American life coach who has, at times, been accused of being slightly misogynistic.

leahyl

CaraMay wrote: »

I think you give up and stop trying so hard. It's a cliche but it does happen when you least expect it. You seem to do everything to meet the right person but what do you do just to enjoy yourself? Give yourself a holiday from men. Just have fun and stop trying to orchestrate a meeting. It will only happen when the time is right - if it's going to happen

CaraMay, this is not aimed at just you (I've see posts like yours plenty of times), but I'm similar to the OP and have tried the whole "enjoy yourself" and "it will happen when you least expect it". Well, it hasn't. Single all my life and nothing has changed, even though I've tried just getting on with my life and being as outgoing as I can. I think it's all down to life circumstances really. If you have a wide circle of friends etc. you end up meeting more people but I don't, and I find it very hard to find new people to be friends with and then perhaps meet someone through them. That's my two cents on it anyway!

meeeeh

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Mid 30's and really getting browned off being single. Had a 1 year long distance relationship when I was 27 and was seeing a guy for 3 months when I was 31. Besides that I've had poor luck trying to meet guys. I've been on match.com for 15 years, plenty of fish and recently tinder. I have since deleted them since 1 month ago because it got to the point where I've had only 1 successful 3 month relationship in 15 years with an average of meeting 10 guys from online a year! They were taking up so much time considering the few dates I was getting to on in return.

Firstly you are on match.com since you are 20. I am couple of years older but I do remember what the attitude towards online dating was then. Basically it was mostly used by people who were desperate to meet someone. I know no 20 year-old that desperate. Frankly reading your post it seems your whole grown up life was a project to find a man.

Secondly you seem to date a lot of co workers. That's never a good idea for so many different reasons. You also got very candid and nasty replies from them. Nice men don't offer them that freely, so you either date complete jerks or you are so intensive in your search for answers that they even loose any sense of decency when giving you a reply.

Thirdly, I don't have that much experience, but for me the best sign is when texting and communication are easy going and natural. No thinking that you should come across needy if you reply straight away but at a same time not going mental when someone doesn't respond straight away when they are at work.

Saying that relationship happens when you are not looking for it is nonsense, mostly they happen when you are looking for them. But by god someone with your intensity would make me run a mile. Also what other interests you have. I think it is very handy if you are able to hold your own in a conversation about politics, sport, economy, travel. Not everyone will fall for you because of it but it makes it much easier if you are able to hold conversation on wide variety of topics.

CaraMay

leahyl wrote: »

CaraMay, this is not aimed at just you (I've see posts like yours plenty of times), but I'm similar to the OP and have tried the whole "enjoy yourself" and "it will happen when you least expect it". Well, it hasn't. Single all my life and nothing has changed, even though I've tried just getting on with my life and being as outgoing as I can. I think it's all down to life circumstances really. If you have a wide circle of friends etc. you end up meeting more people but I don't, and I find it very hard to find new people to be friends with and then perhaps meet someone through them. That's my two cents on it anyway!

I understand what you mean but I'm speaking from experience. I know its easy to say but once you take pressure off yourself, the pressure is off the date or the future bf. I had had a bad breakup and resigned myself to being single (late 30's at that stage) and ended up meeting an ex from many years ago and it all fell into place. At the start I had absolutely no expectations and it all went swimmingly. My point still stands that you have to be happy where you are and maybe give up the marriage and babies dream so you have some peace while you are single.

leahyl

CaraMay wrote: »

I understand what you mean but I'm speaking from experience. I know its easy to say but once you take pressure off yourself, the pressure is off the date or the future bf. I had had a bad breakup and resigned myself to being single (late 30's at that stage) and ended up meeting an ex from many years ago and it all fell into place. At the start I had absolutely no expectations and it all went swimmingly. My point still stands that you have to be happy where you are and maybe give up the marriage and babies dream so you have some peace while you are single.

Yes, but I guess I'm speaking for the people who have had no relationship experience and who are nervous enough about meeting someone anyway (because of lack of experience), but it's so difficult anyway so it's even more frustrating! I get what you are saying though. I wish it was that simple to just forget about being in a happy relationship and starting a family etc.

strandroad

OP you say that you're confident but you're nothing but. You say you're not overthinking it but you really are. You keep reinventing yourself based on some randomer's opinion, you're willing to take insulting feedback from a string of men who are simply using the fact that you're so keen. You're pursuing and learning cheap techniques and "rules" that are only messing with your head.

There are no rules but to go with the flow and find a connection. You created this fake persona and are surprised that real people are not falling for it... but it's to be expected.

I don't know what to advise you but to cut all these constructs out. Who are you really when you're just being yourself? What interests you? Follow your true interests and keep meeting people who are real. Your game approach is clearly not working because you'll only meet players.

Colser

No offence but your posts read like a rom-com. They are exhausting to read and you really need to step back and take a breath as your head must be fried.

You are panicking and it must be evident to men that you meet because I can feel it from your posts. There is no way that anyone can tell you how to keep a man because its something that happens naturally and they cant be persuaded to stay with you if they dont want to regardless of how you act.

You are obviously successful in parts of your life (work ect.) but yet you sound very immature in parts,why the hell would you change your dress code because of man comments,he went out with you originally with what you wore so that doesnt even make sense,that led you to attract younger guys so that back fired.

If you act like it says in those books then thats not the real you and you wont be able to maintain that facade so again you will attract the wrong man for you.

Timelines for texts and calls is for school kids and again you should do what comes natural,dont play games and if the man doesnt like it then tough.

Again sex should be natural,could be the first night or months later just do what you want and not what you think you should do.

What surprises me is that on the nights out when I think it would be the ideal time to meet someone you sit in a corner and avoid eye contact,why would you do that when its a great chance to meet someone or at least have a bit on banter.

Dont envy your friends too much as you can be sure plenty of them would love swap places with you but probably wouldnt admit it.Relationships and kids are hard work OP and the other threads on here are far more common than you would believe but people are reluctant to admit to there own problems in their relationships.

Also Id probably stay away from the men in work as it could be that youve been with a few and if there was a guy there for you he would probably have made a move by now and you dont want to be used as a safe bet.

Just be yourself and dont make changes to attract someone because youre worth way more than that. And for God sake when you are on a night out make eye contact,flirt and enjoy yourself ,thats what will work not some game plan that can be spotted a mile off.Good luck:)

Shelga

OP I think you sound nice, confident enough and normal. You just sound a bit fed up! Which is normal, and yes all the "it'll happen when you least expect it!" advice does ring hollow. And I don't think telling you you should be content with a dog and holidays is great either. :rolleyes: There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a nice relationship, and you should never feel you can't say that's what you want.

As long as it's not all you want in your life, and it doesn't sound like it is to me tbh, I see nothing wrong with owning your feelings, it's healthy. Why are we made to feel like we should deny to ourselves that we want a relationship, sometimes. It's like all the independent modern lifestyle thinking has gone too far the other way now.

I'm all for fully embracing the benefits of singledom, having been in a new-ish relationship for around 6 months now. You can be perfectly content whilst single and still acknowledge that it's nice to have a boyfriend. I think everyone can like being single, just not forever. It's tricky to strike a balance.

However, you do seem to be overthinking things, although it must be hard not to when it feels like you've never had any luck. Stay away from sh*tty Youtube videos and books about The Rules. Utter headf*cking nonsense. I would just try to limit the amount of time you spend thinking about getting a relationship. I found that by the time I met my boyfriend, my feelings of "oh I'd like to meet someone" were still there, but very much in the background. And if we did split up now I know I'd be grand after a while.

I have a friend who has never had much luck with relationships, she's 30. She definitely can feel frustrated and annoyed about her situation, but she has such a full and busy life, it doesn't take up much space overall. She's really good at making new friends, this is key. If all of your friends have kids or no interest in going out, make new ones. Easier said than done I know but anything worth having takes effort. I put a major effort into reaching out to people when single, even when I just wanted to lounge around in my PJs. I think that's where you should aim to be. Don't deny your feelings but don't let them take over your life. All you can do is develop your own interests, do things that make you happy that aren't a relationship, and carry on living your life. All the best.

beks101

Jaysus me head is wrecked. OP your username rings a rather loud and lairy bell, I think you've been harping on about being single for years and years.

Not that it's not your right. Of course it is. But it's also exhausting and eye-boggling and intense beyond all measure. And that's just from reading your posts. If this is indicative of how you're responding to all these men you meet, and I've no doubt it is, then it's pretty obvious why things are going one way.

The laboriously defensive essays and long-winded theses about how you can't meet a man, combined with some old-fashioned views of how dating should be, combined with these 'dating rules 101' devised for an American culture we are a million miles from in Ireland (not to mention how lame and socially autistic they are in the first place) combined with changing yourself at the drop of a hat because this one idiot of a man said this one thing this one time, combined with the intense "need a man, any man" energy you are exuding and your staggering lack of self-awareness about it all.

You say you're not picky, and then document all the sh1tty behaviour you've endured from dozens of men - the insults, the using for sex, hooking up in front of you and then asking you out - behaviour that most women wouldn't stick around to see.

You say you have great self-esteem and don't need a man, then document the various ways you've changed yourself like a chameleon because some moron insulted your appearance or gave you some lame, made-up excuse instead of being honest about just not fancying you enough.

You know what someone with self esteem would do? They'd say fcuk that for a game of soldiers, this is me, take it or leave it, and get on with their life. They'd say, yeah, it's a bit sh1t being single sometimes, but better than wasting time and energy on an arsebandit like that. And they'd actually get on with their single life, keeping the door open to romance, but not prying it wide-open with every male they meet as though their life depended on it.

And your life quite clearly does depend on it, whether or not you're willing to see it. I've met the male equivalent. The guy that tried to shoehorn me into a relationship because we had a decent few dates and I was pretty and the right age/background/career for him and he was just sick of being single and wanted A, B and C on a fairly tight timeline, and so began the incessant text messages and forced body language and over-analysis and absolute, unadulterated fear that I was going to go walk-about and meet someone else when he wasn't looking.

It. Is. Exhausting. Repulsive. Mental. And wholly off-putting.

These threads are tough because there's no real right answer. At least not one you want to hear. Such as, face up to the fact that you might not ever meet someone to share your life with. That's what's at stake here. You might not. What would that feel like? What would that look like? A life of torturing yourself with crappy online dates and sh1tty men just because you can't bear to be on your own? A life of incessant rambling threads about how frustrated you are and over-analyzing your married friends' relationships and youtubing 'how to get a man' videos and scrutinizing the behaviour of every man who crosses your path because it's too much of an ask to stop and consider a life that doesn't revolve around the search for Mr Right?

Yes, you might not meet anyone. Hold that thought. Face your fear, explore it, think about what Plan B would be and work from there. Because getting rid of that fear is the only way you are going to become more sober in your thoughts and less desperate in your actions, which is exactly what you need to find what you're looking for.

Penny Tration

I really do mean this in the nicest way possible and genuinely as a piece of advice -

You've been talking at length on boards about being single for five years. FIVE.

Think about that. It's normal to lament being single. It's not normal to still be writing essay long posts about it five years on. it's not normal to write essay length texts to a guy who angers you. It's not normal to change your entire style of dress because of one off the cuff remark. And no, it's not normal to be this fed up about being single.

The way I see it is that you have two options -forget all about relationships and embrace being single or - see a therapist.

To be blunt, I'd suggest you should do the latter. The way you think and react to matters of the heart isn't normal or healthy and that could be fixed, making you happier in the long run.

Shelga

Five years?? :eek: Erm yeah OP, on second thoughts maybe it's time to move on and stop obsessing...

FortySeven

Merkin wrote: »

Kindly mind your manners. There is a very basic standard of how best to interact with other posters which can be found in the forum charter. I suggest you go and read it.

Ok. I read it. I stand by my post. This one needs a kick in the hole not pandering, I see it is becoming clear to other posters too. But hey. Sorry if I triggered anyone. I'll go and wash my man mouth out with unicorns and rainbows then....

magneticimpulse

Thanks for the advice - I will take it with a pinch of salt, because after all I just need to be myself I am always growing as a person. There is no fear and being honest on here has made me stronger. I will continue to live a packed full life and continue with my interests and meeting new people - I will take comments on board.

I hadn't wrote on boards about relationships since 3 years ago and I was actually in a relationship with someone at the time - so no ive not always been single when I commented on here - sorry if that makes me sound like I'm harping on!

As for get the guy book.... I found it useful...it is about being yourself and not playing games....he says you should be busy because your life is packed - I didn't take the advice from the assholes...I took the advice from the book to be the best version of myself. It's not something I live by....I take it with a pitch of salt. I don't play any games with guys....I just be myself - ive just not met the right guy. As for the assholes from work, it's not just men, I've equally met bitchy women at work that myself and my friends avoid!! So in hindsight life has people of both sexes that can be nasty - It's just the first time in my life to meet such people.

The main advice I think is I should flirt and make eye contact with guys when I go out. Either way I'm going to continue with making my life a fun one and making sure I keep on top of that.

Merkin

FortySeven wrote: »

Ok. I read it. I stand by my post. This one needs a kick in the hole not pandering, I see it is becoming clear to other posters too. But hey. Sorry if I triggered anyone. I'll go and wash my man mouth out with unicorns and rainbows then....

You can do so on your week off from the forum.

Merkin

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Thanks for the advice - I will take it with a pinch of salt, because after all I just need to be myself .

If that's the case then I'm going to close the thread OP. It's one thing asking for advice and deciding to disregard it but if there is a recurrent theme in threads that an indivudual starts, regardless of time period between posts, then it is beyond the scope of anyone here and probably best dealt with by a professional. It is also a waste of posters' time if you're not actually going to acknowledge what people are saying to you. Best of luck.