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My husband's drinking causing us problems

  • 15-11-2015 4:14pm
    #1
    Amica
    Closed Accounts Posts: 144 ✭✭


    He has always like to drink. We've been together 12 years. For about half of that time, his drinking has caused problems. My drinking habits - a couple of glasses of wine at home, champagne if there's an occasion, or a few pints on a (rare) night out. His drinking habits - he drinks in the morning (breakfast) if he's on holiday/off work for a week, he's usually the only one drinking (i.e. he's not a big social drinker) - he often drinks alone and often when he's with me but I#m not drinking, he nearly always drinks until he's drunk and usually only stops if I started questioning him about it. We have had lots of fights about his drinking. He becomes a different person when he's drunk. He's usually caring, understanding and considerate of others but he becomes mean and often says offensive, insensitive or hurtful things when he's drunk. He admits this himself and this is the reason we started fighting about it. Some of our fights were horrible. We have all said and done some things we're ashamed of in fights, especially if drink is involved. He has pushed me a couple of times during fights when he was drunk. I pushed him too on occassion so I'm no angel either.

    Because of the bas experiences, I now become tense when he's drunk. And he gets drunk around me when we're on our own and I'm completely sober about twice a week on average. I hate it. That time is a total waste to me. I feel like I'm alone when he's drunk and I'm on edge because I expect a fight. The same things happened again last night. We were looking forward to yesterday all week because we planned to spend the day together. The whole week I was looking forward to spending time with them and then he just got drunk and we had a fight again. I asked him not to get drunk around me anymore when we're on our own and I'm totally sober. He says that I#m being controlling and trying to "keep my husband on a leash". I#ve told him how much I hate it and why. He doesn't want to understand. His "freedom" to get drunk is more important than what it does to me or us (he won't say that but that's what his actions say to me).

    I think his drinking habits are unhealthy and have told him many times before. He reduced his drinking a few times for a short while but the problem quickly returns. He very grudgingly said he will stop being drunk around me when we're alone and I'm sober "for now" but was doing so in a martyr kind of way. He doesn't want to so it won't last. I#m not even asking him to give up totally - just not to force me to be around him when he's drunk! What can I do? I don't want to talk to my family about it because I hope it will get sorted out and I don't want them to think anything bad of him. I don't want to talk badly about him to his family and I don't think they would understand either. He isn't listening to me. I don't know what to do

    He doesn't always have to drink a lot to get drunk either - eg last night it was 3 pints. He thinks that means it's not a problem but to me, it's not the amount of drink that matters, it's what it does to him


Comments

  • #2
    intheclouds
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,175 ✭✭✭intheclouds


    First of all just please know that his behaviour IS a problem and you are right to be concerned.

    You need to stop the mindset of not telling your family or his family. Keeping it secret just enables it and allows it to go on. He is counting on the fact that you wont tell anyone to "normalise it" with you - if lots of people knew then lots of people would be telling you and him that it was wrong. Youve done nothing wrong.

    When alcoholics get well into the disease it takes less and less drink to affect them. Its kind of counter intuitive, but thats how it goes. That it only takes 3 drinks is more of a worry tbh. And of course you are right, its not the amount, its the effects that are the problem.

    Your only answer here is to help yourself, you cant actually help him, much as you might want to. Please go to Alanon and learn the tools to help yourself.

    Everything you have described is that he is an alcoholic. He is the only one who can change that.

    Read this:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/137214-alcoholism-merry-go-round-named-denial.html

    Best of luck.


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