advice needed

LegacyUser

Before judging, please know this is not something I had planned. All through secondary school I was really good friends with a boy from my area, we didn't go to the same school but would have been very flirty texting each other and things but nothing ever happened. He met this girl in his class in college and they have been going out for over 6 months now, they seem very happy and he does talk about her all the time. I have met her and she seems perfect.

I joined a local sports club in May(his a member) and have been chatting to him since. I asked him to my Grad even though he had a girlfriend and he went. She was ok with it all, assumingly due to him having lots of friends that are girls.
However, I like him. And I feel so guilty. I have found myself studying in the library in his college(not mine), hoping to run into him. I have been texting him almost every day, sending xs and giving out to him when he doesn't send any back (jokingly of course) . One day he told me he cant anymore because of his girlfriend. He explained that he knows I probably send them to everyone just that they mean something different to his girlfriend and she wouldn't appreciate it.

Please don't judge me. I know I'm wrong I just can't help it. I don't even know what advice I'm looking for. This is making me feel so terrible, is it worth going for due to us having history ?

LegacyUser

Well look, you would have been in a whole lot more of a messier situation if you had started to get involved with him and he had started to reciprocate, and he was still seeing the other girl.
I've often heard that people who do the dirt while seeing someone else are more likely to do it again if they leave that person for the other person.

Also, the fact that he's 'kept things above board' means that maybe he is good enough and a loyal bloke, so if it doesn't work out with his current girlfriend then he might give things a chance with you with a clear run at it.

I think you've accepted that that's not happening at the moment though, so you're probably more embarrassed than anything else. All things considered he's been fairly polite so just accept it in the spirit it as delivered. But hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. It'd be worse if you never said or did anything and were pining for him for the rest of your life.

maryfred

notahomewrecker wrote: »

Before judging, please know this is not something I had planned. ..

You've known him for years and it's never gone beyond friendship. Is this the first time you've realised that you have feelings for him? Or are you a little jealous that he's with someone else and maybe not spending as much time with you.

He's asked you to lay off the xx text thing, sounds like either he's uncomfortable with it or else she's seen some of the texts and she's not comfortable with it. Doesn't matter,he's asked you to stop, so stop. Don't say you can't help it, you can.

You don't have history with this guy. He seems very happy, he talks about another girl all the time to you,you've met her and she seems perfect. There's nothing romantic for you here.

You're his friend. Be his friend and be happy that he's happy.
Concentrate on your studies. Your other friends.
Live your life and leave him alone.

R.D. aka MR.D

You know why you feel guilty? It's because what you are doing is wrong.

He has a girlfriend. A girlfriend that you are fully aware of. But you continue to carry on like this. I'm glad he has the gumption to actually tell you to stop.

You can't help it? Get professional help, talk to a counsellor.

SusieBlue

This guy has been very direct and clear in his feelings. He may have been flirty a few years ago but he has a girlfriend now and it isn't appropriate for you to be coming onto him when he's clearly in a committed relationship. It isn't as though he's messing with your head, you say he sent flirty messages BEFORE he was with his girlfriend and he isn't keeping her a secret, in fact he's introduced her to you, so you have no reason to think he might want to end his relationship.

Just because he once potentially showed interest doesn't give you a free pass to come on to him now despite the fact he has a girlfriend.

Show him, his girlfriend, and yourself and some respect and back off. I understand you have feelings but he isn't interested or available.

I say this with the utmost kindness but if you can't help yourself, despite the fact he's asked you to stop, you need to reconsider whether you can be friends with this guy.

Maybe distancing yourself is your best option until you don't feel so attached. Having feelings for someone who doesn't feel the same is awful and I sympathize, but if you don't back off you run the risk of looking like your an obsessed bunny boiler.

LegacyUser

Honestly j know I'm wrong' I'm worried we'll end up in a nightclub drunk and we'll get with each other. If I'm honest with myself that's probably what I want, but he's happy with her.

I don't think I was very clear. He still flirts with me sometimes, he went to my grad where he knew nobody and she was ok with it?! It's just, she's not from where were from. I know his family, all his friends we have the same interests. It just frustrates me to know we would have been perfect together if he hadn't found her.

I think she knows somethings up, he doesn't tag himself in any photos with me even though there's lots. I know he lied to her about going to meet me. What if he isn't actually happy with her? You can like two people...

Sound Bite

He's asked you to stop.

At the very least, have some respect for yourself if you cannot have any for any for him and/or his girlfriend.

You are at risk of turning into a bunny boiler.

Crazy women are not attractive.

The relationship may not even last and who knows what might happened then but if you keep behaving the way you are now and you'll never have a chance with him.

If you cannot keep your emotions in check and think that kissing him while he has a girlfriend is a good idea, it might be a good idea to seek counselling as that's not normal behaviour.

Penny Tration

You're trying so hard to justify why it's okay that you're acting so badly.

She knows something is wrong, she's not from your area, she doesn't know his friends and family, he doesn't tag himself in pictures with you, he didn't tell her he was seeing you.

Sounds to me like he's trying to be a good boyfriend to her but also trying to maintain a friendship with you. and you're making that incredibly difficult by being inappropriate.

Leave him alone. It's not his girlfriend's fault that you waited til he was taken to fancy him. She's done nothing wrong and neither has he. Don't be that horrible female friend that tries everything to tear apart the relationship.

Just stop what you're doing. You say you can't - you can. you're choosing not to.

prettyrestless

Notahomewrecker wrote: »

Honestly j know I'm wrong' I'm worried we'll end up in a nightclub drunk and we'll get with each other. If I'm honest with myself that's probably what I want, but he's happy with her.

I don't think I was very clear. He still flirts with me sometimes, he went to my grad where he knew nobody and she was ok with it?! It's just, she's not from where were from. I know his family, all his friends we have the same interests. It just frustrates me to know we would have been perfect together if he hadn't found her.

I think she knows somethings up, he doesn't tag himself in any photos with me even though there's lots. I know he lied to her about going to meet me. What if he isn't actually happy with her? You can like two people...

I don't want to sound mean but I think you have come on very strong when he's not available and not interested, and now he's trying to distance himself from you.

He went to your grad because he is your friend, nothing more.

It's normal not to tag yourself in every photo that's on Facebook. He might not want to give you the wrong idea.

Honestly you are looking for signs that he likes you, when there are none. He asked you to calm down the texting because you were making him uncomfortable. He's not going to kiss you when you are out because he seems very happy in his current relationship.

Look at this way, you've made it obvious that you like him and he hasn't dumped his girlfriend/made a move. You need to leave him alone and move on.

CaraMay

Op if you are not careful you will become a figure if pity for the guy and your friendship will end.

He's in love with someone else and your actions are a little unhinged for me. He's not yours and sorry but he doesn't want to be. Believe me he knows you like him but he doesn't feel that way about you. If he did, ye would be together.

It's time to move on to someone who is free and stop your carry on. You don't want all your friends, his family etc knowing you are trying to sabotage his relationship. Be the bigger person here and move on.

Ann84

Op, you are coming across as really manipulative in your posts... It reads like your waiting to catch him drunk some night, make a move knowing he'll tell his girlfriend and she'll dump him... And then what, he'll run into your open arms and ye will live happily ever after?!?? NO!

I had friends like you in college, obsessing over guys with girlfriends who really just didn't fancy them. It never worked out for them and some got themselves in a lot of trouble for interfering!
Just because you like him, does not mean he feels the same.
You and him are not perfect for each other - where are you getting that idea from?!? Even if he was single, ye have known each other forever and nothing ever happened!!!

You really need to step back, stop stalking him at his college and start focusing on your own life and friends. Take a break from hanging out with him at all and just go have fun yourself please! You will get over him, there are lots of guys out there and you are young, go have fun

mapaca

I'm sorry OP, but I think he just sees you as a friend. He had his chance to make a move when he was single and never did. He is happy with his girlfriend.

You need to take a step back from all this. Constant texting, hanging out at his college, you are heading down a wrong path and you know it. Distance yourself from him and focus on your own life, interests, friends. You're young and in college, there's loads going on and loads of people to meet! You deserve a bit of fun. If you keep busy doing other things you will find it easier to move on from this guy.

Eire Go Brach

The truth is. It's Time for you to move on. He is just being nice and very patient with you as you are friends so long. If you keep behaving they way you are. You will lose the friendship.

Being a guy and knowing you so long. If he had not made his move by now. He never will. He is just not into you. Let him go.

maryfred

Notahomewrecker wrote: »

1. worried we'll end up in a nightclub drunk and we'll get with each other.

2. He still flirts with me sometimes,

3. he went to my grad where he knew nobody and she was ok with it?!

4. She's not from where were from. I know his family, all his friends we have the same interests.

5. It just frustrates me to know we would have been perfect together if he hadn't found her.

6. I think she knows something's up

7. You can like two people...

Point by point:
1. You're not worried that he'll be drunk and something would happen. I think you would possibly try to engineer it and then use it as a reason as to why he should be with you and not her. Why do you think all of a sudden that he's going to be attracted to you just because he's drunk. I presume you've both been in situations before where drink was involved and nothing happened.
2. Men flirt! But it's a possibility that he isn't and you're just seeing what you want.
3. I went to wedding with a male friend who had a gf. My brother in law went to another girl's grad while dating my sister. It's not that unusual.
4. People go out with,have babies with and marry people from outside their own area. Seriously, they obviously have plenty in common. Most importantly, they're attracted to each other, not like you and him.
5. No you wouldn't. And if he hadn't found her it would have been someone else. It just wouldn't have been you. You really need to accept that.
6. Nothing's up except in your head.
7.Yes you can like 2 people and he does. He likes you as a friend and his gf as his gf. Which is how it should be.

Honestly you're coming off as needing to get some professional perspective here. He isn't interested in you, he has a gf. Stop imagining scenarios where he has a Eureka moment regarding you and him. It won't happen.

Don't be that girl!

P.S. Sorry for the long post. One of my old college friends was the same as you. It did not end well.

Ursus Horribilis

Eire Go Brach wrote: »

The truth is, it's time for you to move on. He is just being nice and very patient with you as you are friends so long. If you keep behaving they way you are, you will lose the friendship.

Being a guy and knowing you so long. If he had not made his move by now he never will. He is just not into you. Let him go.

^^This ^^ Especially the bit I've bolded. Sometimes when a person has a crush, niceness can be mistaken for a sign of hope. Quite honestly, I don't see any indication whatsoever that he is interested. He seems to be a decent guy who is trying to do the right thing but you're putting him in a tricky situation. If you keep this up you'll wreck your friendship.

He knows you fancy him like mad but he doesn't see you in that way. There was nothing to stop him asking you out for all those years. Actually there is still nothing stopping him from asking you out if he wanted to.

As things stand, you're running the risk of ruining your friendship with him. You've put him into an uncomfortable situation actually. He knows you've got a crush on him and he's trying to keep you as a platonic friend. You're not making it easy for him and that's the rock on which your friendship may perish. Sending texts with x on them and wanting to get them back is needy and a little bit bunny boilerish. Put yourself in his shoes. How would you feel if someone you didn't fancy was at this sort of thing?

For your own sake you need to row back from this friendship a bit. Don't text him every day. Make changes to your life so that they don't revolve around the hope that you'll bump into him. You're living in a fantasy land at the moment and because of that, you're not emotionally available to date anyone else. What a shame.

retro:electro

You need to stop, he has even asked you to stop. I get nothing from your post that suggests he even likes you. Cop on to yourself.

anamaria

Apart from the fact that you're driving yourself crazy with all this have you even thought about what your behaviour is doing to his girlfriend?

I would imagine she has sussed you out by now as it doesn't sound like you're being very subtle. I have been in her position before and it can be very stressful and hurtful. It doesn't reflect very well on you as a person if you feel it is alright to behave in this way.

njs030

What will eventually happen op is you will push him too far and he'll walk away from you. Either that or his girlfriend will get fed up of your antics and tell him to stop talking to you, which he will do. Either way you lose him.

Have some dignity and pride, you are literally trying to steal someone else's boyfriend. It doesn't matter that you knew him first- you had plenty of chances when he was single and chose not to say anything. Do you just want him because he's chosen someone else? It sounds like that tbh.

You're not "worried" something would happen, you're hoping it will. Just think about the type of woman who thinks it's acceptable to try it on with someone else's boyfriend....is that who you want to be? Like I said have some dignity and pride.

bp

Also in the area you are from you will get a reputation for chasing a taken man....she will be looked at with compassion and people will think she is great for sticking by her man etc.

You need to take a step back, he has asked you to and if you keep disrespecting his wishes he will drop you for her

SusieBlue

notjustsweet wrote: »

What will eventually happen op is you will push him too far and he'll walk away from you. Either that or his girlfriend will get fed up of your antics and tell him to stop talking to you, which he will do. Either way you lose him.

Have some dignity and pride, you are literally trying to steal someone else's boyfriend. It doesn't matter that you knew him first- you had plenty of chances when he was single and chose not to say anything. Do you just want him because he's chosen someone else? It sounds like that tbh.

You're not "worried" something would happen, you're hoping it will. Just think about the type of woman who thinks it's acceptable to try it on with someone else's boyfriend....is that who you want to be? Like I said have some dignity and pride.

Quoting this for accuracy. Don't be that woman. I've been in that guy's girlfriends position and it's awful. Have some respect. You had your chance but he isn't interested or available. If he was interested you'd know about it. Stop making excuses for him - if he wanted you he'd be with you.

If you come onto him when your both drunk (which is really creepy btw) you will come out looking awful and everyone will feel sorry for the GF.

Came back to this thread to post again cause I actually can't believe you are actively pursuing someone who is in a happy relationship. Distance yourself and go for someone who isn't attached before you ruin your friendship with this guy.

Ursus Horribilis

Notahomewrecker wrote: »

Honestly I know I'm wrong' I'm worried we'll end up in a nightclub drunk and we'll get with each other. If I'm honest with myself that's probably what I want, but he's happy with her.

I missed this post. I think you'll find that he'll not find you half as irresistible as you think he should. With the way you've been behaving, he'll probably be careful about getting caught in a situation like this.

I don't think I was very clear. He still flirts with me sometimes, he went to my grad where he knew nobody and she was ok with it?! It's just, she's not from where were from. I know his family, all his friends we have the same interests. It just frustrates me to know we would have been perfect together if he hadn't found her.

All utterly utterly irrelevant. Men sometimes flirt even though they don't fancy the woman they're flirting with.

So what? This is classic "what has she got that I don't?" talk. Here's the thing. You've known this lad for years. He's only with his girlfriend for 6 months. Why did he never, in all those years he knew you, ask you out? You were right under his nose. Even if he breaks up with his gf, the chances of him asking you out are practically nil. Especially now thanks to your behaviour.

I think she knows something's up, he doesn't tag himself in any photos with me even though there's lots. I know he lied to her about going to meet me. What if he isn't actually happy with her? You can like two people...

He's on thin ice here and if he feels it's going to threaten his relationship with his girlfriend, you're going to be the one who loses out. Maybe that wouldn't be a bad thing because you don't want to be just his friend.

The way you're talking is textbook unrequited love stuff. Maybe he's not happy with her. Maybe they'll break up. Maybe this isn't serious. Maybe one day he'll realise that I'm the one for him. Better hang in there. We could be so great if only he comes to his senses.

Sorry but you're at nothing here. The sooner you realise it, the better.

pookie82

Let me tell you as someone who has been "the girlfriend" in this scenario ... all you're doing is making a fool of yourself. She's already copped that you're overstepping the mark and has had words with him, hence him telling you nicely, but certainly, to back off with the kisses and affection.

STOP what you're at. You're causing him hurt and tension in his relationship. If you really, actually felt anything for him, you'd leave him be to let this relationship run its own course, however that turns out. Maybe they'll split up in a few months, maybe they'll end up married in 5 years. That's for them to decide, without interference from you.

The more she gets annoyed, the more rows it will cause, and the more YOU will start to be a source of tension for him. He may decide that despite your friendship you're simply "not worth the hassle" you're causing his relationship, and phase you out completely. If you ramp up this behaviour she'll be within her rights to ask him to spend less time with you and ease the contact with you, and she'll probably come first in that scenario. So you're basically on the road to driving him away completely.

Your comments about "I hope we don't end up drunk some night and together" are sinister at best. This is exactly what you're hoping for and you know it. You're every girl's nightmare ... someone who wants what she can't have and is engineering fantasies in her head of how she'll get it. You're using your history and friendship to qualify the amount of time you spend with him, the way you speak to him, and I suspect you'll use the first chance you get in a social setting to overstep the mark and try to get him to cheat. You'll then pretend that despite the hurt it caused, you both "couldn't help yourselves". I'm seriously hoping he has more sense than to fall for your bs.

I actually hope he tells you where to go once and for all, because your behaviour is poisonous. Maybe he LIKES that his gf doesn't come from his town, doesn't know all his mates since school, and doesn't share the exact same interests. Variety can be the spice of relationships. Opposites attract. He's clearly seeing something in her that he desires, so stop rationalising that they're not right for each other because of these factors. That's not your decision to make.

Stop uploading photos of you both and tagging him - I suspect he isn't approving these. You're embarrassing yourself. Go and find a single guy who is free to flirt and go to grads with you and quit chasing what's taken. I wonder if you did split them up, would your interest wane once you realised he wasn't a challenge anymore ...

I feel really sorry for his gf and what you're putting her through with this behaviour. If he has any sense he'll only defend you for so long before telling you where to go.

Neyite

Notahomewrecker wrote: »

Honestly j know I'm wrong' I'm worried we'll end up in a nightclub drunk and we'll get with each other. If I'm honest with myself that's probably what I want, but he's happy with her.

You aren't worried, you are hopeful.

wrote:

I don't think I was very clear. He still flirts with me sometimes, he went to my grad where he knew nobody and she was ok with it?!

Because she trusts him.

wrote:

It's just, she's not from where were from. I know his family, all his friends we have the same interests. It just frustrates me to know we would have been perfect together if he hadn't found her.

No you wouldn't I'm afraid. You cant be a perfect couple when only half of the couple has the feelings in the relationship. If he had any spark of attraction towards you, he would have made his move long before now. He's not in a complicated situation with kids, marriage and a negative equity mortgage. If he fancied you more than her, he'd break up with her and be with you. Its this simple, sorry.

wrote:

I think she knows somethings up, he doesn't tag himself in any photos with me even though there's lots. I know he lied to her about going to meet me. What if he isn't actually happy with her? You can like two people...

But he IS happy with her. Otherwise he wouldn't BE with her. Listen to the other posters and back away from thinking about engineering situations where he inadvertently cheats with you. Focus on flirting with single guys instead.

K_P

I agree with everyone else here. This guy has nicely asked you to back off on the constant texts and if you want to keep his friendship then you should do as he's asked you. I'm sure he's noticed that you've started texting him more and more since he's been with his gf and it sounds like he's trying to be very respectful both of his gf and of you by raising this issue in a nice way.

You won't win him over with constant texts and engineering a situation for you both to be drunk together and for you to make a move on him. You'll potentially wreck your friendship. Every text you send that you think is a fun and flirty admonishment of him not replying to you (which of course you do jokingly and only because you know him so well and so much better than his girlfriend), is very likely being met with rolled eyes and exasperation on the other end.

pookie82

K_P wrote: »

Every text you send that you think is a fun and flirty admonishment of him not replying to you (which of course you do jokingly and only because you know him so well and so much better than his girlfriend), is very likely being met with rolled eyes and exasperation on the other end.

I suspect there could even be an element of hoping the gf will see these "jokey"/"flirty"/"hey get back to me!!" texts and get pissed off and end it herself going on here ...

If I saw that tripe coming into my boyfriend's phone non stop I'd express my unease with the situation and expect him to do something about it, i.e. cut the girl off if she didn't stop when asked nicely.

Who even does that these days? Follows up a non-replied to text with a demand for a reply? It's not cute, it's needy and embarrassing.