How patient do you have to be?

LegacyUser

I'm in a complicated situation with my daughter's mother. We were together only a short time before she became pregnant and soon in to the pregnancy she broke it off. After an amicable but stressful and upsetting couple of years we started to become a lot closer to the point where we said we were each others' best friends. I had wanted to get back together for some time, and eventually when I felt the time was right I let her know, and a month or so afterwards things started to happen.

However it only lasted a few weeks and then tensions rose. I hadn't made efforts to get my **** together on a few (admittedly important) things she had wanted me to sort out for a long time (for context I work 60-70 hours a week and mind my daughter 2-3 nights a week, I'm not a waster. She also works a similar amount. However I am very forgetful and can be a pretty disorganised person).

In my mind I had these things to sort out and then everything would be okay. However the more progress I made the more distant she became. I had all but gotten everything sorted but when we eventually spoke about how things were she said that "I want things to work but right now it's really not working." and "It's not like I have a list you've to tick off and then we'll be back together. There are no guarantees". This was a bit heartbreaking to hear. I told her I want things to work out because we could have a really nice life together, she didn't respond.

In this time she had also changed work environment where she's now working with 'her people' as she calls them - these would be very talented and successful people in a prestigious profession.

Part of me is wondering has this been a game changer for her and now I'm being strung along because she doesn't want to outright say we've no future. Or to say that there are 'no guarantees' because she wants to keep her options open.

Since this environment change (which IS incredibly draining for her, absolutely no denying that) she's barely spoken to me. The three of us used to go out for the day every weekend, and now she just wants to spend time alone with our daughter - she doesn't get to see her much now otherwise. The one time in weeks we spent time together as a 'family' she spent half the time on her phone.

The last remaining issue I've to sort out is losing some weight. I'm not massive but I have put on 3-4 extra stone in the past few years. She's concerned about my health which is certainly fair enough. To be honest I'm feeling very unmotivated - I just feel really stressed out, angry and lonely.

My head is all over the place and I can't talk to her to get clarity because basically she hates talking about these things and has by her own admission very little patience, and bringing it up generally does more harm than good.

I'm starting to feel worse and worse and I'm starting to get mindful of my mental wellbeing. For me this has been going on for years and I'm worn out. By nature I'm very patient and understanding but I'm starting to just feel angry these days.

At this point I'm considering just taking a step back from everything and telling her that I'm putting aside the notion of us getting back together. I feel I need to 'let go' and focus on myself for a while. But I'm afraid that she'll see this as me giving up and not being able to stick it out with this very stressful point in her career (she's said before in the middle of an argument that she knew I wouldn't be able to handle this time period). The thing is I'd wait years if we were together or if I knew we would be together - if she just gave me something to go on. And this is what I had felt would/could happen, until she said there are 'no guarantees' that is.

I hope this post makes some sense, reading back it's a bit all over the place. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, partly to get it off my chest and also for a stranger's objective point of view. I'm very grateful for you reading, thanks.

Hemerodrome

Start with looking after your mental health, if that goes downhill then so will everything else. That may consist of counselling, a better work/life balance, taking charge of your weight, finding some time for exercise or hobbies, spending time with friends and family, or some combination of those, but I would address it now if I were you.

I wouldn't take the approach of a big declaration of "stepping back", that doesn't get you were you want to go and could be interpreted as giving up on achieving what you've been saying you want. It's a bit dramatic too, smacks of attention seeking. Really you need to be selling the idea of you as a steadfast and useful member of the family you're aiming to create, not a sulky flight risk. Hang in there.

Ursus Horribilis

I agree with the first part of what the person above me said. You definitely need to get your head sorted etc.

I'd be less confident with the hanging in there, selling yourself approach. I get the impression she's not interested. You're trying to justify it by mentioning your forgetfulness, your weight, her job but I think they're only a smokescreen. I also wonder is she the partner you're looking for in life if she's not supporting you in your efforts to lose weight. Your head is very obviously fried but I'm not seeing any kindness coming from her. Only the impression that you're on trial.

kylith

Odus fell down wrote: »

I agree with the first part of what the person above me said. You definitely need to get your head sorted etc.

I'd be less confident with the hanging in there, selling yourself approach. I get the impression she's not interested. You're trying to justify it by mentioning your forgetfulness, your weight, her job but I think they're only a smokescreen. I also wonder is she the partner you're looking for in life if she's not supporting you in your efforts to lose weight. Your head is very obviously fried but I'm not seeing any kindness coming from her. Only the impression that you're on trial.

I would agree with this. That when you started to get things sorted she told you there was no checklist to tick off would say to me pretty clearly that it's not because of your weight that you're not together, it's because she doesn't want to be with you. I get the feeling that she's been trying not to outright say so, possibly to avoid hurting your feelings.

You don't have to make any grand declarations of stepping back, just step back. Give her her day with the child at the weekend. Focus on yourself and your child.

LegacyUser

Hemerodrome wrote: »

Start with looking after your mental health, if that goes downhill then so will everything else. That may consist of counselling, a better work/life balance, taking charge of your weight, finding some time for exercise or hobbies, spending time with friends and family, or some combination of those, but I would address it now if I were you.

Op I would agree with this you need to look after yourself.
I kinda feel if you made all the improvements and did everything she asked of you nothing would be good enough and I'm not sure just going by your post if you have a future together. Maybe focus on getting the best for yourself and raising your daughter together amicably.

LegacyUser

OP here again,
Thank you for the replies. I definitely agree that I need to start focusing more on my health. Right now I just feel very unhappy and feel too much of my mental wellbeing is caught up in this 'relationship'.

To give a bit more context she said the "there's no guarantees" thing in the fallout of one of the few big arguments we've had in recent times. Whether or not she actually wants to be together, I don't know.

Since saying that she wanted to put a brake on things we were still close, one time we spent a night sending each other Daft links of houses we'd like to live in, stuff like that. It's only since this change in work environment that her attitude has changed. If you were to ask her she'd say that she's annoyed at me for saying that I'll improve my health and not showing any progress, which is understandable. From my perspective she needed some headspace as she explained when she put a brake on things, so I didn't bring anything up for months to give her space, but when I eventually brought up the subject she said it was because I hadn't lost any weight.

Regardless of how this comes across, being in the middle of all of this is very hard to deal with. She doesn't give anything in terms of communication or graciousness - she said that she has no sympathy for me. I think she's very angry still about how hard things have been (unplanned pregnancy, tough finances etc).

I really want things to work, I want us to have a good life together and I really want to give my daughter a home with two parents, and while I know she has her reasons she doesn't seem to be willing to give anything of herself to make these things happen - it's as if she has set a standard for me just as an easy get out clause should I fail to meet it, and then it's my fault that things didn't work out.

As for taking a step back, the thing is I have been taking a step back for some time already - there's very little communication between us and generally only for the necessary stuff. Why I think I have to make a declaration is because without doing so, from her perspective things will be just the same. I need more headspace, I need to focus on myself for a while and I hate being in this compromised position, it feels a bit pathetic and it's perpetuating this vicious circle.

sibeen99

I think you really need to take a step back and put yourself first for a change. I'm inclined to agree with the poster that said making a declaration of this is a bit attention seeking. Maybe just don't be so available to her all the time. Work on yourself and getting fit and healthy. Don't be in constant contact with her. Sometimes it's when we realise something is gone it's only then we realise its worth. It might be what she needs. I hope everything works out for you.

LegacyUser

AnotherAnon wrote: »

OP here again,
Thank you for the replies. I definitely agree that I need to start focusing more on my health. Right now I just feel very unhappy and feel too much of my mental wellbeing is caught up in this 'relationship'.

Since saying that she wanted to put a brake on things we were still close, one time we spent a night sending each other Daft links of houses we'd like to live in, stuff like that.

From my perspective she needed some headspace as she explained when she put a brake on things, so I didn't bring anything up for months to give her space, but when I eventually brought up the subject she said it was because I hadn't lost any weight.

Regardless of how this comes across, being in the middle of all of this is very hard to deal with. She doesn't give anything in terms of communication or graciousness - she said that she has no sympathy for me. I think she's very angry still about how hard things have been (unplanned pregnancy, tough finances etc).

I really want things to work, I want us to have a good life together and I really want to give my daughter a home with two parents, and while I know she has her reasons she doesn't seem to be willing to give anything of herself to make these things happen - it's as if she has set a standard for me just as an easy get out clause should I fail to meet it, and then it's my fault that things didn't work out. .

Op do you love her? are you attracted to her? You said in your first post that the three of you used to go out for the day every weekend, and now she just wants to spend time alone with your daughter. It seems from your post you want to raise your daughter to grow up in a house with two parents but if you guys are doing things separately as a couple then why would you want that kind of relationship.
Just because you have a kid together doesn't mean you should be together.

Relationships are a two way street and you seem to be blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong. If she angry about how hard things are, unplanned pregnancy etc then you losing weight or doing all the things she wants you to do are never going to be good enough.
For your own well-being and stress levels maybe you should take a break and focus on yourself and being a great dad raising your daughter.

LegacyUser

tabs101 wrote: »

Op do you love her? are you attracted to her?

I think I do yeah. And yeah, I am really attracted to her. I've no interest in being with anyone else tbh.

You said in your first post that the three of you used to go out for the day every weekend, and now she just wants to spend time alone with your daughter. It seems from your post you want to raise your daughter to grow up in a house with two parents but if you guys are doing things separately as a couple then why would you want that kind of relationship.
Just because you have a kid together doesn't mean you should be together.

Our daughter was never the main reason why I wanted to get back together, but it's not as simple as that. I guess I feel a lot closer to her than anyone else because we're in this very intimate situation - we've been through a lot together and through our daughter we are family and for me that means a lot, I value loyalty and solidarity really highly, which is also what makes her blasé attitude really frustrating, almost like she could take it or leave it. That's how she puts it across, whether she truly feels that way is another question.

Relationships are a two way street and you seem to be blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong. If she angry about how hard things are, unplanned pregnancy etc then you losing weight or doing all the things she wants you to do are never going to be good enough.
For your own well-being and stress levels maybe you should take a break and focus on yourself and being a great dad raising your daughter.

I think it's the best thing to do as well. How to do that though is the tricky part, without coming across as a sulky flight risk as someone else said.

Thanks again for your input.

Jack B. Badd

AnotherAnon wrote: »

In my mind I had these things to sort out and then everything would be okay. However the more progress I made the more distant she became. I had all but gotten everything sorted but when we eventually spoke about how things were she said that "I want things to work but right now it's really not working." and "It's not like I have a list you've to tick off and then we'll be back together. There are no guarantees". This was a bit heartbreaking to hear. I told her I want things to work out because we could have a really nice life together, she didn't respond.

You need to listen to what she's saying here (and what she's not saying too). This comes across as all about you: your desire to be together, your checklist of things to tick off, your perception of the impact of her new job, your desire to make a statement to her. However if you look beyond that, you'd see she simply isn't interested. Sure, you can frame it like she's stringing you along because she's used a particular phrase or discussed housing fantasies (or whatever), if that makes you feel better. But it amounts to the same thing: regardless of the consequences of your sexual history, she's just not that into you.

From what you've said, I get the impression she's trying to maintain a relationship that will allow you to parent your child (albeit separately) without doing anything overt that would make that awkward. And you're making that difficult by not taking the hint. Do yourself a favour, concentrate on yourself & your relationship with your kid & stop being weird to your ex.