feel so selfish. is it normal?

XplaygirlX

Just wondering is this normal? My mam died a suddenly just over a week ago (wed 28 Oct) I am absolutely devastated beyond belief. Like it still doesn't seem real. The thing is... I haven't cried yet... I have obviously when I found out and at her funeral. My da is heartbroken as I am too. I just feel so selfish that I haven't cried yet... Like I should be in shreds and I'm not... Why is this?? I want to be strong for me da and me son who was so incredibly close to me ma. (They had a special, unbrakeable bond. Just like me and her) we did everything together, I told her everything. She was my best friend. I have even started smoking to help me cope. In a way...it does but sometimes it doesn't if you get me.... I just don't know what to do. I want her to be proud of me and she probably hates me for what I'm doing right now by smoking cigarettes as I've never smoked. (Obviously ive tried it, but have never been a smoker) I just don't know what way I should feel. Am I selfish for not crying? I really feel like I am. And have I started grieving yet? My head is all over the place. It just feels as if she's away on a long holiday. I talk to her all the time. And I know she's with me. She is my entire world I miss her more than life itself Xxx

Realt Dearg Sec

Very sorry for your loss. There's no right way of grieving, people just respond the way they respond, it doesn't mean you don't care, you're not selfish. I wish you the best getting through it, is hard enough without blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault and isn't "wrong" either.

NIMAN

We all grieve differently. It sounds to me like you are still in a state of shock.

Its similar to my own experience when my father died suddenly. Throughout the whole wake, funeral and next few days after he was buried I felt fine. I only cried a couple of times over this period, it was like it hadn't really happened so I probably appeared to be in good enough form during the wake etc.

But it gradually got worse and I was a wreck for about 6 months after it. Maybe during this time I was no longer in denial? Who knows?

Anyway, it all got better again and I got back to as normal as you can be when you lose a parent.

I am sorry for your loss, sudden deaths can be traumatic to deal with and it will probably hit you soon enough, so be prepared to feel worse soon too. I hope you can get the strength to cope and wish you and yours all the best. May she rest in peace.

Buona Fortuna

So sorry for your loss Playgirl.

I wouldn't worry about the crying - it affects people different ways.

Its only a trigger reaction anyway. Like a joke you didn't laugh at but still thought it was funny - maybe not a great explanation

XplaygirlX wrote: »

I want her to be proud of me and ....

She was and she is - believe me.


On the smoking thing (as an ex-smoker) why not look at vaping. There's a forum on boards. It will give you something to fill your brain up and probably doesn't have the health risks of smoking.

All the very best PG.

username hello

Hi, I'm really sorry to hear of your loss.
When my own mam died, I couldn't cry properly for well over a year. Lots of other people have told me they were the same when they lost their own parents.
It's totally normal.
It's such a shock that it takes a lot of time to even be able to feel sad.
Look after yourself. X

Lux23

My brother was quite similar in his reaction to my father dying, he didn't cry much, really he was more angry than anything and I believe that to be a totally normal reaction. The best thing is to just let your feelings run riot because holding them in will make things worse in the long run. The screaming matches I had with various loved ones were horrific around this time.

Diane Selwyn

Sorry to hear of your loss OP. Your reaction is totally normal as you say it was a sudden and unexpected death. I would guess that you are still in shock and might take a few months to get your head around what happened. Even then there is no prescribed order of feeling that is the correct way to grieve so you might get random feelings of anger/sorrow/guilt/regret and etc. The best thing is probably to acknowledge what you are feeling and even better to talk to someone about it. Hopefully it will get easier to bear with time.