Date or weight loss?

LegacyUser

Im a 28 year old woman who has never even been on a date. I have kissed guys on nights out but no more. I feel like a freak for being this age and being so inexperienced. As the title suggests I am overweight- around 20 lbs which isnt much but as I am short I am overweight. I hate it and hate my body. This is the main reason why I havnt been able to date, I just consider my body to be so unattractive that I couldnt bear to be intimate with anyone. I am at the stage where I want to change.
I am about to embark on a weight loss journey, and I want to start dating. I always see on here that you should be happy with yourself before you involve someone else. To be honest, I don't want to date with this body, even if someone found me attractive I wouldnt be able to accept it as I dont find myself attractive.
I have recently been reading 'Fat is a feminist issue' which says that you must accept yourself fully as you are (i.e. fat) in order to lose the need for the protection that the fat provides you. This suggests I should date as I am now, irregardless of weight.
What should I do?

Augme

Whatever you do, don't date while you don't find yourself attractive. It would be unfair on you and your potential partner. While your self-esteem is low it would always make it harder to find a partner, nobody wants to date someone with that kind of baggage. Now the question is - can you find yourself attractive at your current weight? If you can then date away.

Ursus Horribilis

If you're not happy in your own skin then go lose that weight. Besides, you'll be doing yourself nothing but a world of good if you shed that weight. You'll look better and feel better too. Not just on the outside but on the inside.

How about dealing with your weight loss now and look into dating when you look and feel better? If you do this properly, you'll be in better shape in a few months time. Will it make any difference in the grand scale of things if you wait a few more months? Now this isn't going to go down well in some quarters but if you are on the tubby side, you are going to find it harder to get dates. It doesn't matter whether fat's a feminist issue or not. If you're carrying extra weight you're not going to be attractive to as many men. A lot of people, male and female, are visual creatures and if you're too heavy you are making things harder for yourself.

dudara

You have to to learn to love yourself and be happy in yourself. I have a suspicion that you are seeing the weight as why you are unhappy, but I wonder if there is more?

Losing the weight will be fantastic, but hitting that target weight isn't going to magically flip a switch in your head and make everything OK. I think you really to work on being comfortable in your own skin.

Good lick with the weight loss.

LegacyUser

Thank you for your replies.
I see what you are saying Durdura, the weight is not the only thing I am unhappy about. I have very few hobbies in my life, I spend most of my evenings on facebook and boards like this. This is something I want to change as I feel like a boring person, however I don't know what to pursue, I don't even know what really interests me.
I dont want to do things for the sake of it, for the sake of trying to be interesting...I just feel like I'm coasting through life at the moment, and I don't want to be.
Regarding the weight, I really do feel like I can't be attractive at this weight. I wouldn't be able to show off my body to a partner, and have missed oppurtunites in the past with guys who I couldn't believe could be into me because of my weight.
I have tried to lose weight in the past, but always put it back on again, with extra.
The reason I asked about dating now irregardless of weight loss was because of the theory in the book I'm reading, which suggests we put the weight back on because we expect 'thin' us to do the things we are not doing now, like date, but as we are not used to doing these things it doesn't feel like 'us' so we revert.
Thank you all for your help, I think I need to focus on being a 'me' that I'm happy with, which hopefully someone else will want to get on board with too

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder are you thinking a boyfriend will rescue you from the emptiness in your life? I wouldn't like to speculate as to why you're putting on weight but it's likely that those long evenings and boredom aren't helping.

As regards not knowing what to pursue, why not try different things? Look at www.meetup.com and see if there's any group in your area. Check notice board and websites to see what's going on locally. You might stumble across something that interests you. Don't rule anything out of hand. I'm sure you're not boring at all. You're in a rut at the moment but you can get out of that if you give yourself a push. Good luck!

There's a lot of stuff that you need to sort out with yourself before you can start dating. Entering into a relationship where you're not fully happy and comfortable with yourself will put a ton of pressure on you and any potential partner you may have.

There's little or no reason you should be overweight. Fix up your diet. Exercise more. Find hobbies that contain some form of physical exertion. Keep an eye out on the likes of Groupon and LivingSocial, because they might run deals for something you might be interested in and could act as a good stepping stone.

beks101

Fat is a Feminist Issue should also have taught you that the weight serves a purpose for you beyond "ah, I just like food too much."

20 pounds isn't a massive amount of extra weight. Shed it and you'll feel exactly as you do now, only a little less secure and more self-conscious as you won't have the same shield against the world. The weight is about protecting yourself from things you don't want to deal with - like your confidence issues and your fear of failure and dating and men and all these big life issues.

To go all Dr Phil on you - you become and attract what you think about yourself. Currently you can't look in the mirror you're so filled with self hatred. Dating with that mindset is likely to attract the type of lads that will reaffirm those feelings - flaky men, non-interested men, emotionally unavailable men that will treat you like crap.

My 20s were riddled with weight and body image issues and I found in the end staying slim and getting into shape was about deciding, "yeah, I should take care of this body. I deserve to take care of this body" and the rest followed suit. It's hard to enact the discipline and willpower and strength of mind and force of habit it takes to lose weight, without the mindset that you are worth the effort and your body deserves the respect.

I highly doubt in your current mindset you will either 1. lose weight healthily if at all and 2. have a happy, healthy love life.

Stop thinking in black-or-white terms. "I'm fat and ugly now but if I lose 20 pounds I'll be attractive and dateable." Nope. You'll just be down 20 pounds, that's all. Start to think about yourself in a deeper, more balanced and more wholesome way. Think about yourself as the human being that you are. Your good qualities and the things you do for others. The achievements you've had in life no matter how small. The strength of character and kindness you can show. Your intelligence, your wit, your heart. And go from there.

zoobizoo

Two things: do do things for the sake of them... try new things that you might never normally do.... not only will you be challenging yourself, you'll also get some great stories out of it and you'll meet loads of people (some weird, some wonderful but the more you get out there, and expand your social circle, the more fun you'll start having)

road_high

A friend of mine just said to me last light you need to be ready to want to meet someone. And it's so true in your case OP.
Delighted you've decided to work on your body. This will pay dividends in terms of your own health, your self esteem abs well being. Best of luck with it all x.

charlietheminxx

OP I really honestly feel for you. We're the same age and I have some fairly bad body issues of my own. It clicked with me though, that my body is not ever going to be something I am happy with. I first got to my goal weight at the age of 22 and instead of feeling all the things I thought I would, I felt like I was unfamiliar to myself, I didn't know how to dress for my new figure, and then I met men who were far more shallow than the ones who liked me when I was overweight.

At some point down the road I learned to accept who I am. I will never have a body I am totally happy with. That doesn't mean you give up, I go through phases of weight gain and loss but I no longer allow that to control my life or dictate how I feel about myself.

It's hard for us to see the good in ourselves. You need to focus on your good points which might be hard for you to see at first. Instead of looking in the mirror and thinking "I wish I had different thighs" or "my belly is disgusting" pick something you do like about yourself and focus on that. Pick something else the next time you look in the mirror. Focus on that, build your confidence up a bit.

Get out there are meet people. I am sure you know people far heavier than yourself who are in happy relationships or date rings around themselves... If you're waiting to find yourself 100% perfect before you can accept yourself or let anyone else accept you, you'll be waiting for a long time! You're good enough as you are, and any weight loss should be about your health and just building on your self esteem rather than a cure-all.

Best of luck with your journey

stickyfinger

I think you should try both! Even going out to meet more people will probably give you more confidence by realising that they don't care if you have a few pounds extra. The worry about your weight is all in your head, no one else really considers it. 20 pounds is definitely possible to lose and you'll feel great after you lose it, but I wouldn't put off hobbies, socialising and dating because of it, instead it might be easier to lose the weight when you are out doing those things and enjoying yourself.
Have you tried weight watchers or slimming world, if you can't lose the weight on your own they can be great for a bit of support and ideas. Good luck!

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you all so much for your replies! Beks, your reply really resonated with me. I do have a tendency for black and white thinking, and for thinking I'm worthless because of this one small aspect of my person...I'm gonna try joining a sport of some sort and some evening classes to fill up my time and hopefully expand my social circle and put dating on the backburner for the time being at least (I'll keep my eye out for any potential along the way :P)
Thanks again

Diamond Doll

I can see where you're coming from. I went through a huge messy break-up over the summer, from the father of my child, and ended up on an online dating site almost immediately (definitely a rebound kind of thing!) But, I was (and am) very unhappy with my current weight, and after the break-up, my self-confidence was at rock bottom and my self-hatred and self-pity and vulnerability at an all time high.

I found myself drawn towards men that I wasn't even physically attracted to. Men who were far more overweight than I was - my thinking being that they'd be less likely to judge me for my extra pounds. Men who'd been through equally messy break-ups/divorces, in the hope they wouldn't see me as "damaged goods", the way I thought most men would. Men whose profiles weren't all that impressive or funny or interesting, so they wouldn't judge me on my boring life.

Now in fairness, a couple of the men I got talking to were actually very nice people. But I was selling myself short - who wants to date someone they don't even fancy? It wouldn't be fair to myself, or to them either.

I'm giving it a break now for a while. Instead I'm focusing on getting my life in order. Losing weight. Trying out new activities. Building up my self-confidence.

And ideally when I do go back to it, I'll be looking at mens profiles and hopefully instead I'll be attracted to the men who seem fit, healthy, happy, with lots of interests and fun in their lives. Because my hope is that I'd be viewing those sort of profiles and thinking, actually, I have a lot in common with that sort of person.