Does she want me back and do I deserve it?

LegacyUser

Hi all

I realise I may be leaving myself open to some criticism here but I feel as low as I ever have so I accept all comments good and bad.
Bit of background, my partner and I split up about 6 months ago after 13 years. We have two children together. Basically I was abusive mostly emotional/mental but odd time it turned physical maybe 3-4 times in 13 years. Things got especially bad in the last 2 years. She always told me one day she would get the strength to leave i always said she never would. I was extremely jealous and never trusted her. I would always assumed she was with other men despite never having any evidence or at least without twisting any things I thought to make it seem like she was. I withheld money also so she struggled and had to beg. The kids were always provided for with everything and more i never hurt them or anything just my partner.
So anyway she left me 6 months ago, I moved out. She started dating a guy about a week later. This drove me insanely jealous it was the worst day of my life finding out even tho I knew it was a rebound. It ended a month later.
Over the last 6 months ill been in hospital over this, been to counselling doctor, trying to do the right things and I've been getting there bit by bit still miles off though.all this time has shown me the person I had become and the pain I put her through. I realised quickly after we broke up that I loved her more than I ever showed her and have come to realise how much I miss her I miss my home and my kids even though I see them quite a lot. I know I was wrong in what I did and I have apologised so much. I blamed the abuse I got as a child but I know I have to take responsibility for myself I'm nearly 40 and can't blame anyone else. I've been feeling especially bad last week or so just my whole life is a mess I'm broke and so sad and regretful over the missed chances and the person I could have been
My partner started talking a few months ago about how much she misses me and eventually said she still has feelings and might like to try again at some stage down the line if she gets her confidence back and if I have help. However lately its been much more talk off not wanting to be back with me, selling the house and moving on. On a weekly basis I get so many mixed messages from her and I still think she wants to see other men I get that feeling the way she talks. Just the other day out of the blue she text me saying I know your lorry with me for moving on so fast but we can't get back together right now then proceed to question what I was up to that night but in a more kind of 'i hope your not seeing someone' kind of way. She has told me a good few times she's afraid I'll meet someone else and forget her although not as much lately. A few weeks ago most of her take was if we get back together down the line etc. It's all over the place to be honest and I'm emotionally drained from it all literally a pain in my head and knot in my stomach all day everyday. I miss her so much and really love her. I know she's angry with me over everything and I really don't blame her. I'm hurt 0have lost everything and also that she moved on so fast after we broke up but even as a very jealous personal it doesn't bother me as much as losing her has.
So do u think there's any chance she'll ever want me back and even though I'm getting help now have I cause too much pain for it to ever work again if she does?
All comments welcome
Thanks

ElleEm

Noone can answer your questions directly about her feelings. Six months is a very short time in the grand scheme of things to be "recovered" from the issues. She is clearly vulnerable, and although you are getting help, you are in no way ready to get back with her.
You should really focus on intense counselling, managing your emotions and looking after your kids. You will have to repair a lot of damage and that will take time and focus.

eviltwin

I think for both your sakes for the moment you should just concentrate on co parenting your kids and working on your issues and not confuse it by starting your relationship up again. I don't think any therapist would think that's a good idea. You both need the space and distance to address things and process everything, it's not possible to do that when you are trying to restart a relationship or embark on a new one, you're both too vulnerable. Six months really is nothing after years of abuse.

Im sure she has a lot of mixed feelings, she probably misses the nice you but is glad to be away from the abusive you and to be honest if you do want to get back with her you're going to have to do a lot of work to rebuild her trust. And you may have to accept it will never happen and you've lost her for good.

In saying that, mixed messages are not doing you any favours, I'd be asking her to refrain from talking about yourselves as a couple for the moment as its not good for you.

For now I would just concentrate on being the best parent you can be. But well done on admitting you have a problem and taking steps to deal with it. That's not an easy thing to do and deserves kudos.

OneOfThem

Yeah man, I think if you've any chance in the world with her you've gotta kinda say "I'm getting all the help I can. I know I fvcked up. Sorry. If you are still around in another six months, I'd like to talk. I won't contact you again if you don't contact me. I love you." and then sort your sh1t out and hope she's still there then. But sorting your **** out should kind of be it's own reward. So focus on that, primarily, in your own head.

MissFlitworth

She sounds in a really bad place herself right now. Break up grief coming out the other side of an abusive relationship with 2 kids depending on her. Before you thought at all seriously about getting together she needs help with coming to terms with the end of your relationship and with understanding why she couldn't leave an emotionally, mentally and physically abusive relationship with you before. She needs coping mechanisms for leaving you again, and finally, if you aren't able to be a decent partner to her. I can't imagine she knows whether she wants you back, her head must be in a complete spin but she could probably do with your help in getting her life back in order. I'd genuinely take any thoughts of reconciliation off the table until you've both had a lot of counselling. She should talk to Women's Aid. She shouldn't take you back from a place of fear for her future and worry that she's done the wrong thing, because your abuse is going to have made her hyper sensitive to fear.

Maybe you can get back together, maybe you can deserve your marriage back but right now you're looking at building a relationship on quick sand. Cos you can't possibly know how to control yourself and she needs to learn to believe she is important and how to fight for herself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for input. I should point out that she is not looking to get back right now she has made that clear. All the mixed messages are weather she might want to in time but she's dealing with everything that's happened and not remotely ready to start again. She's under pressure with the kids and house and I do all I can to help. She still leans on me in time of need for instance she had an incident at work of few weeks ago which made her very upset and she rang me for help straight away for support and i help around the house when I can and loan money when I have it. Sometimes I feel she's just using me as I'm handy to fix things or loan money but not good enough to be with. Then I remember what I put her through so maybe I owe her support. If there's a chance to get her to want me again i will keep up the support but don't want to be used only to be hurt again when the next guy comes knocking. She says she has guys asking her out so I'm afraid she'll go again and it'll definitely be no hope then. I see her quite a bit cause of the kids so it hurts more when I see her. Should I continue to support her as I am? I don't over do it and give her as much space as well for both of us. She's the one who mostly initiates contact by the way.
Thanks

Penny Tration

Op, I admire your bravery in admitting what you've done. I truly do. You've obviously made some progress in therapy to be able to admit it.

However, look at your last post. you're wondering is she just using you until the next man comes around. That's a very unhealthy way of thinking. Maybe she's seeking help from you because you have children together so you should be a part of their lives, not just taking them for visitation access.

That bit you wrote strikes me as an irrational and unhealthy way of thinking. so tbh I don't think you're even nearly ready to contemplate a relationship with her or anyone else.

I think you should ask her to stop telling you about men asking her out and stop talking about your relationship.

Then you should continue to work on yourself, and it would do her no harm to talk to a doctor herself because she must be going through an awful time too.

ElleEm

I agree with Penny. You helping around the house and fixing things is more for the kids than her. Do you have regular access and overnights? Do you pay maintenance? Putting an agreement in place will make things more structured and stable for your kids. Put the ideas of getting back together away for now. There is no point thinking of the future when you both have so much work to do on yourselves.

Bedeutung

Penny Tration wrote: »

Op, I admire your bravery in admitting what you've done. I truly do. You've obviously made some progress in therapy to be able to admit it.

However, look at your last post. you're wondering is she just using you until the next man comes around. That's a very unhealthy way of thinking. Maybe she's seeking help from you because you have children together so you should be a part of their lives, not just taking them for visitation access.

That bit you wrote strikes me as an irrational and unhealthy way of thinking. so tbh I don't think you're even nearly ready to contemplate a relationship with her or anyone else.

I think you should ask her to stop telling you about men asking her out and stop talking about your relationship.

Then you should continue to work on yourself, and it would do her no harm to talk to a doctor herself because she must be going through an awful time too.

She could be using him though, it's irrational to reject that possibility.

pookie82

lonelyandconfused wrote: »

Basically I was abusive mostly emotional/mental but odd time it turned physical maybe 3-4 times in 13 years. Things got especially bad in the last 2 years. She always told me one day she would get the strength to leave i always said she never would. I was extremely jealous and never trusted her. I would always assumed she was with other men despite never having any evidence or at least without twisting any things I thought to make it seem like she was. I withheld money also so she struggled and had to beg. The kids were always provided for with everything and more i never hurt them or anything just my partner.

So you broke her down day after day, twisted reality to accuse her of cheating, threatened her physical person on occasion, and kept money from her so she had no power to leave and you held all the control.

That's quite an account of horrendous abuse right there. It's great that you're admitting it freely now, but it's possible you have broken her and "you both" forever.

If you were to get back with her tomorrow, can you guarantee you wouldn't revert to form, re the above?

You say you never hurt your children, but systematically making their mother's life hell has to have taken its toll on them.

You're already displaying jealousy and unreasonableness again in suspecting she's "using" you by asking you for help, and will "drop" you for another guy. These thoughts are still consuming your mind. You're in no state to get back with her without making her life hell again. Even if she comes begging tomorrow, stay away until you're sure your insecurities and need for control have been dealt with and won't recur.

If she asks you for help with money or around the house, you do that, for your kids, and yes, as a way of making amends for the years of frankly, torture, it sounds like you put her through. Communicate for the sake of the kids but forget about who she's seeing or doing anything else with and concentrate on dealing with the issues inside yourself which caused you to behave like this towards a person you claim to love.

None of us can tell you how she may or may not feel 6 months or a year down the line. But we can tell you to park the idea of a reconciliation until you're in a position where you know you'll never treat her that way again, and it doesn't sound like you're there at all yet.

Are you in regular counselling sessions? Because you ought to be.

Rachiee

Six months isn't long enough for either of you to work on yourselves. I can understand why the mixed messages would be difficult for you to hear and process but it is natural for her to have mixed feelings.
Her self esteem will be very damaged after years of abuse so it's natural for her to revert to what she knows and try seek comfort there, you could take advantage of these moments of weakness and force the issue but if you've really changed you won't want to.
It's too soon OP let her build confidence and learn that she is strong and beautiful and can get by on her own then if in the future she wants to take you back she'll be doing it because she loves you and not because she thinks you're all she deserves our that she can't support herself without you.
In the mean time keep going to counselling supporting her with the kids and working on yourself so if she does take you back you can be the best partner you can be.

zeffabelli

lonelyandconfused wrote: »

Thanks for input. I should point out that she is not looking to get back right now she has made that clear. All the mixed messages are weather she might want to in time but she's dealing with everything that's happened and not remotely ready to start again. She's under pressure with the kids and house and I do all I can to help. She still leans on me in time of need for instance she had an incident at work of few weeks ago which made her very upset and she rang me for help straight away for support and i help around the house when I can and loan money when I have it. Sometimes I feel she's just using me as I'm handy to fix things or loan money but not good enough to be with. Then I remember what I put her through so maybe I owe her support. If there's a chance to get her to want me again i will keep up the support but don't want to be used only to be hurt again when the next guy comes knocking. She says she has guys asking her out so I'm afraid she'll go again and it'll definitely be no hope then. I see her quite a bit cause of the kids so it hurts more when I see her. Should I continue to support her as I am? I don't over do it and give her as much space as well for both of us. She's the one who mostly initiates contact by the way.
Thanks

This comes down to what you CHOOSE to believe.

When I am ambivalent about something, my beloved and wise aunt will always say "Err on the side of kindness."

If you choose to do kind acts, choose to do them in kindness [don't get me wrong, kindness is perilous in itself at time } but as gifts...it's a gift or it isn't. YOu want your kids to be an a home where things are not broken...where there primary carer's stressed is minimal...where you can do your part for the family and keep your pride going...then don't start thinking with suspicion or because you are expecting a return on your deeds.

You bring suspicion, conflict will follow...so my advice would be to be concious of what you CHOOSE and how you CHOOSE to interpret, because interpretation is a choice once you become aware of it and in control of it.

LegacyUser

Hi just to deal with some of the questions. yes I'm in counselling two hours a week always make sure I go. I should probably clear up that I know I'm not ready to get back with her and neither is she it would be the worst thing in the world as I know I haven't dealt with my issues yet so it would be worse to get back and break again. I have the kids over nights and weekends and always pay maintenance and most times its a little more than agreed just to help out as it's tough for her too even tho I don't have it. I've told her I'm not think about getting back together as I want her to get better although part of me wants that for selfish reasons which I can understand shows I'm still the same.
Thank you to the previous poster who spelt out exactly what I did to her as it's good to see someone else write it down to re affirm it. I support her when possible I never complain about giving extra money or doing jobs or taking the kids extra and I give her all the space she needs as well as listen when she wants that. Do I have a right to be angry over her moving on so fast as I still am in bits over it? Thanks

LegacyUser

You were together 13 years and you know she wanted to leave you long before she did so clearly it took a big push on her behalf to finally make that move. It's great your getting help for your issues but remember it's only been 6 months. You have a long history together and kids so of course there are still feelings there for both of you but it's too early for her to be saying yes or no to possible reconciliation. She most likely afraid to say yes this soon in case you push to quickly for it.

You say you think she's using you till the next guy comes along but you were together 13 years so of course she is use to relying on you and sharing with you. You are parents so you will always have that connection. Your focus for right now is looking after your kids and looking after yourself. Leave your personal relationship with your wife on the back burner for now.

ElleEm

lonelyandconfused wrote: »

Do I have a right to be angry over her moving on so fast as I still am in bits over it? Thanks

You should really work on your use of the word "angry" given your history.

You checked out of the loving supportive partnership the minute you started abusing her, so maybe she did too. Maybe she began another relationship to feel all the good stuff your partner should make you feel. You can be upset that your relationship is over, and sad that your future will be different, but you have no right to be angry at what your ex does now. She made a very brave decision to break up with you and an even braver decision to stay in contact with you. You should respect that.

Penny Tration

Tbh no, you've got zero right to be angry if she's moving on. From the very first time you abused her, a piece of her pulled back. each time you hurt her, more and more of her pulled back. Your actions are what's caused her to move on.

I get that you're hurt by it ending. But you caused that. You chose to hurt her until it ended. You should want her to move on and be happy because after the years of pain, she deserves it

MissFlitworth

can't log in wrote: »

Do I have a right to be angry over her moving on so fast as I still am in bits over it? Thanks

No, not even a little bit. She's someone running away from 13 years of abuse, she's not moving on at the moment, she's escaping. You being angry with her at the moment is you finding another way to abuse and control her.

LegacyUser

MissFlitworth wrote: »

No, not even a little bit. She's someone running away from 13 years of abuse, she's not moving on at the moment, she's escaping. You being angry with her at the moment is you finding another way to abuse and control her.

Thanks again, I'm not angry with her if u know what I mean I'm a little angry with her in my head that she just threw her arms around the first guy who showed an interest. I'm mostly angry at myself for causing this whole thing.
I appreciate the input from everyone as hard as some of it is to read, the truth hurts as they say and I'd prefer to say exactly how I feel and how I am that way I'll get truthful advice.

I should be happy to let her move on if she ever does again but I'd prefer it to be with me! I know how incredibly selfish that sounds after everything but I can't help missing her, loving her and regretting what I did. You've no idea how much this girl loved me and it's killing me
that I hurt her.

Thanks again for all comments

zeffabelli

MissFlitworth wrote: »

No, not even a little bit. She's someone running away from 13 years of abuse, she's not moving on at the moment, she's escaping. You being angry with her at the moment is you finding another way to abuse and control her.

I don't read it that way.

It's a refusal to mourn.

There is no worse feeling than sad.

It's ok to be angry, there is nothing wrong with being angry, this weird question..."do I have a right to my feelings?' It's not a qestion of rights, yo have them or yo don't.

It's like asking "Oh I spilled boiling water all over myself, do I have a right to feel pain?'

eviltwin

zeffabelli wrote: »

I don't read it that way.

It's a refusal to mourn.

There is no worse feeling than sad.

It's ok to be angry, there is nothing wrong with being angry, this weird question..."do I have a right to my feelings?' It's not a qestion of rights, yo have them or yo don't.

It's like asking "Oh I spilled boiling water all over myself, do I have a right to feel pain?'

It's a refusal to face up to reality and the height of arrogance. The OP is making it all about him. Typical of an abuser who usually sees themselves as the centre of everything. This woman is free and can finally breath for the first time in 13 years. She is due a bit of happiness. The OP doesn't have to be happy that she is moving on but he needs to explore that in therapy. He doesn't have the right to make her actions all about him which is exactly what he's doing. It reads like a person who has very little awareness of exactly how serious the impact of what he did is. The feelings that victims have don't just vanish when the abuse stops. It's still early days and he will deal with this in therapy and hopefully in time will have a different outlook. For now I think the OP needs to take a step back and just focus on his kids.

MissFlitworth

zeffabelli wrote: »

I don't read it that way.

It's a refusal to mourn.

There is no worse feeling than sad.

It's ok to be angry, there is nothing wrong with being angry, this weird question..."do I have a right to my feelings?' It's not a qestion of rights, yo have them or yo don't.

It's like asking "Oh I spilled boiling water all over myself, do I have a right to feel pain?'

I was assuming he was asking did he have a right to be angry with her, as in express his anger and he doesn't. You're right that you can't control being angry or upset with the hand life throws you/life you destroyed yourself but he sounds like the kind of person who needs to keep that under control lest he takes it out on other people.

beks101

Your treatment of her has been abhorrent and nothing short of dog's abuse.

The only way to effectively rehabilitate yourself from this kind of behaviour is to learn to put other's feelings and needs and happiness before your own. Wanting to get back with her six months after this dysfunctional relationship has ended is the polar opposite of this and a further expression of how selfish and controlling you are. Six months of therapy is NOT enough time to change the abusive dynamic you've created in your relationship for the last 13 years.

Stick with the therapy and stay away from her.

road_high

MissFlitworth wrote: »

No, not even a little bit. She's someone running away from 13 years of abuse, she's not moving on at the moment, she's escaping. You being angry with her at the moment is you finding another way to abuse and control her.

I wonder am alone here in saying that I'm delighted for this lady to be getting away from the OP? I hope she keeps the strength to keep moving forward, that all sounds like shocking abuse to me. And it doesn't sound like isolated abuse either, 3/4 times in which it became physical? Once would be enough for any woman...

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

Your treatment of her has been abhorrent and nothing short of dog's abuse.

The only way to effectively rehabilitate yourself from this kind of behaviour is to learn to put other's feelings and needs and happiness before your own. Wanting to get back with her six months after this dysfunctional relationship has ended is the polar opposite of this and a further expression of how selfish and controlling you are. Six months of therapy is NOT enough time to change the abusive dynamic you've created in your relationship for the last 13 years.

Stick with the therapy and stay away from her.

Thanks, not to diminish it but the abuse was for the last 5-6 years and worst in the last 2. I don't want to be back with her right now it would be a terrible idea with what we both need to do with our councillor's. I just want some hope that she still wants me even after all this.

I agree with the last two posts. OP you do deserve some credit for admitting what you've done and trying to seek help, but you really shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone for some time and especially not with the poor woman you tormented for 13 years.

If the OP's ex was posting here saying that she recently got out of an abusive relationship but was thinking of reconciling, she would get pages of comments telling her to stay the hell away from him and to focus on building a better life for herself and her kids. And rightly so.

I really think that someone with a healthy degree of self esteem would not allow themselves back into a situation like that, even if the abuser has had therapy. It takes an enormous shift in someone's mindset to correct that kind of behavior. If the ex is willing to reconcile in the future I would be afraid that she's doing it out of fear. I know from experience that dysfunctional relationships can be very co-dependent. OP if you really love this woman I think you should leave her alone so she can live her life in peace. She deserves happiness so let her have it. Work hard on yourself and correcting your behavior and when you're in a healthier place maybe then you can start a new relationship with someone.

LegacyUser

You ask if you have any right to be angry re her moving on. You don't. And you never will.

Honestly, you lost any 'rights' about the relationship from when you began to abuse her. And abusing her doesn't just mean the physical stuff, you mentally tortured her for years. You should be glad that she's still able to speak to you at the moment because you broke her down over years.

On the plus side, I think it's great that you have recognised how abusive you've been, and are getting help for it. I believe that this hanging on to anger re your ex moving on is a sign that you haven't sorted out all of your abusive tendencies though. It still goes back to you thinking that you somehow 'own her'. You really need to work on that. It's a horrible nasty trait, and something that you need to talk through with your therapist.

You're nowhere near being ready for a normal non abusive relationship - and she sounds too broken by you to be ready for a relationship either. Maybe she just wants a fun fling. Or maybe she'll meet the love of her life who will be kind to her. You have no rights here OP. And certainly no rights leading to anger.

All I can say is that you need to see how you've broken this woman, and back off about her personal life. And as another poster said, start acting with kindness towards your kids and to her - and with no expectations of any return. You have ****ed up their lives for so long. You have a lot of making up to do.

PressRun

To be honest, and I don't mean to sound too harsh, but I think she'd be better off just keeping a co-parenting relationship with you, OP, and nothing more. The "mixed messages" are probably typical of someone who has spent years in an abusive relationship. Abuse is often mental as much as physical and it can take time for victims of abuse to fully realize that they deserve better. If she stayed in an abusive relationship for years, then I think it's pretty understandable that the first few months of being out of that relationship will be difficult for her. She's learning to find her feet again and experience life outside this relationship, which can be scary in and of itself, but becomes even more scary when a person's self-confidence has been so knocked, as I'm sure her's has.

The fact that you acknowledge, OP, what you did and are seeking help is a positive step, but I think you still don't fully realize the far-reaching consequences of your actions and still seem to think that how she deals with her recovery from this abuse is somehow about you. I'd recommend staying in therapy and keeping a strictly co-parenting relationship with your ex, and forget about reconciliation or indeed any relationship for now. How she learns to move on is up to her, but I think she needs to spend time rebuilding her confidence. Jumping back into a relationship with her abuser after he has only just begun accepting he did something wrong will inevitably result in a return to the same patterns of behaviour, imo. If she's ever going to re-enter this relationship, it needs to be from a place of strength and confidence, not vulnerability. My feeling though is that if she does rebuild her strength and confidence, she won't want to return to her abuser and I wouldn't blame her, if I can speak very plainly.

eviltwin

lonelyandconfused wrote: »

Thanks, not to diminish it but the abuse was for the last 5-6 years and worst in the last 2. I don't want to be back with her right now it would be a terrible idea with what we both need to do with our councillor's. I just want some hope that she still wants me even after all this.

Your posts are all me me me, have you learned anything from the advice here? You're making it about you. You're still trying to control her by setting the parameters for your relationship. So you don't want to be with her now but you want a sign it may happen in the future......what right have you to demand anything for this lady? You put this woman through years of abuse, what makes you think you deserve anything from her? Leave her alone, you owe her that much. You owe your kids that too.

Penny Tration

OP, I think you need to forget about her as much as possible and discuss these feelings with a therapist.

Every single post you've made is about you. You don't want to get back together yet but you're not happy about her moving on. you want her to move on but only with you. You want her to eventually get back with you. You feel jealous that other men are asking her out. You 'only' abused her for six years, not thirteen. You 'only' hit her a handful of times. You're hurt. you're in bits. You want it all back.


Read what you're writing. It's all about you, your needs, your desires.

What about her? She deserves more than someone she's afraid of, more than someone who's broken her down and hurt her. She deserves the world handed to her on a plate.

The more I read of your posts, the more I think that the abuser is still inside of you. There's still the anger, jealousy and desperate need for control and getting your own way.

I think you need to leave her alone so that she can move on and be happy.

Focus on therapy for your own sake, not for the sake of a relationship. Leave her, let her be free. Allow her to finally get some happiness and meet someone who won't abuse her. And in a few years, maybe you can get to a stage where you can meet someone else and treat them properly.

corcaigh07

OP, just get better first and look after your kids. Prove to your ex that you have changed for the better. Then, maybe in a couple of years, it could happen but you need to realise it is outside of your control.

LegacyUser

Hi thanks

Having read over my posts I realise I've talked about my needs, I guess after 6 months of counseling and doctor and psychiatric assessments etc its all about how I feel when I speak to them and that's their job. I just didn't know how to ask for advice about what I should do without being upfront about the person I am or the feeling I have.
I don't for one second belittle what I have done and reading all your comments have reiterated it further. I can't take back what I've done but it's clear some lessons need to be learned such as getting myself better for myself going forward and my kids well being and not to try and win her back. I know it's easy to write it here but I'm determined to do the right thing. If that means leaving her alone to be happy then ill have to learn to do that

I know it may not seem so from what I said but I really don't contact her or put pressure on her in any way I let her contact me when she wants or not at all if that's it As for helping out around our house, yes part of me does it in the hope that she sees there's good in me but maybe the real good in me is to do it without agendas. She's a really good person not without faults but nothing like mine. I completely understand why she fell into another man's arms and I don't at all blame her, I was just angry in my own head probably that I treated her so bad as much as anything
I'm going to continue to get help and look after my kids. I will listen to her needs and if she wants help or space.