How to proceed?

JosephG

I was adopted placed into temporary foster care with a family at Christmas in 1977. This family subsequently adopted me in 1979 following significant efforts from my new parents who were 67 and 45 with four kids of their own. I was indeed fortunate to have been placed with such a wonderful mother who passed away when I was 11. Twas premature but her impact has remained present in me, all my life.

Forward to 2000 and I commenced a trace for my birthmother which eventually yielded a meeting in 2003. This went through all the appropriate channels with social workers etc.

The following circumstances were revealed: - She would only agree to meet once at that time to protect her confidentiality

My birth mother was 19 when she had me
She only had one night of 'romance' with my birthfather
She was sent away as soon as she began showing
Her mother and father never ever discussed the topic again, even on her return
Her siblings were never told
Birthfather was never informed
She is married and has four adult children
They are unaware
Nobody, and I mean nobody knows
Birthfather lives locally and is married with kids

Forward again to 2011 and my dying (adoptive) father and I discussed me getting information as to my birthfather. I explained that birthmother was reluctant but he often suggested it should be pursued. So in Sept of that year I began correspondence. I was informed of the extensive waiting list and decided to sit and wait. In the meantime, I used the trace guide available here on boards and went to the GRO - after two days of searching I emerged with my original birthcert, birthmothers birth cert and marriage cert and all her children's birthcerts.

In November 2014, I was contacted by a social worker who suggested we postpone any contact till after Christmas. This was done and in January, contact was initiated with a cover letter from the social worker and a letter from me outlining in honest terms, the focus of my request. This correspondence continued on and off through her GP, the only person who knows of her secret. I relayed everything to the social worker, who made it clear to birthmother (in a non threatening manner) that I was very much aware of her personal circumstances and was seriously pursuing information on my birthfather.

in May she suggested a meeting in June to discuss, but as was becoming the pattern, she never followed up her suggestion with a concrete date. This on off correspondence continued all summer until eventually my partner rang her for me. She was receptive to the call and my partner urged her to fulfill her promise of a meeting. During the meeting she intimated she felt bullied by the social worker, so after talking to my social worker, we agreed that she would remain in operation in the background but I would assume the mantle in terms of contact through the GP. This was successful and a meeting was arranged during the second week of October.

We meet for the second time in 12 years late on a Monday night in her GP's surgery. As before, she was obviously anxious and upset and confused. I tried to reassure her constantly that despite all I know (including where she lives etc) I've always acted with respect for her privacy throughout the process. Furthermore, I requested the use of social services to help deal with this trace as I figure they will offer the necessary professional expertise which can facilitate me getting the information and hopefully meeting birthfather, without 'outing' her. She has never closed the door fully on me, but indicated her life would be over were the secret ever to reveal itself. She wants a 100% guarantee that birthfather will not come to her door and 'out' her. She is petrified of the damage this could do to her life.

This contrasts sharply to my need/want for information. I want her to give me the information and let it be handled as a separate trace. I have spoken to the social workers about options in trying to protect her confidentiality - but they claim that they will not refuse birthfather the knowledge of birthmothers identity if asked - its unprofessional apparently.

The only guarantee I can offer is that as the request is from me - together, birthmother and I can request that birthfather does not contact her. In 100% of cases over 10 years, my social worker confirms that such wishes have always been granted. Furthermore, should birthfather and I meet, regardless of the outcome, I will be requesting that outside of his wife, nobody else be made aware of her identity. Indeed, were someone to even garner my date of birth, without my original name (which I would not divulge) and, given my registration is not in the correct year, I am practically to all sense and purposes - untraceable.

At the end of our last meeting, she suggested a further meeting. She said she needed time. She was clearly under pressure and to be honest I didn't want to force her hand too much. I hand delivered a letter to her GP's office last night outlining my strong hope/possibility that her confidentiality can be secured. I have, at her request, gained the assistance of a new social worker. So everything is set and ready to go.

The problem I face is that my 'guarantee' is not 100% and never could be. If she doesn't give me the information, half of my identity will die with her. I am loath to push her into telling me by giving her the ultimate ultimatum - either you tell me, or I'm calling to your front door to introduce myself to your husband - and as soon as I walk away, the first question he will undoubtedly ask is - 'Who is the father?'…

Its been unbelievably trying and time consuming to have gotten this far, and if I'm being honest I feel privileged to have all the information I have. Reading other adoption stories and trace efforts makes me feel humbled by all I have at my disposal. I am saddened that this country of ours is still trying to bury the 'sins' of the past.

What I'm asking for from those with objective wisdom is - Is there anything else I can do to protect birthmother? Have I missed something which might help conceal her identity further, and by extension, allow me to garner the information on my birthfather? Thank you so much to all who post, read and reply on this facility. I am indebted as it has equipped me sufficiently to have some form of voice in a situation where for so long I felt voiceless, powerless, abandoned and disowned.

Ghekko

I have no advice unfortunately but I cannot imagine how traumatised your birth mother must be, not to be able to tell the people she should trust the most - her husband and children. It is sad that there must be so much fear attached to her past that she feels she cannot open up. Has the gp tried to help her - offer counselling at all? It's so hard on you to know that your birth father lives in the area. How did she manage to tell you that much? i hope someone can advise on ways in which you could draw her out.