I want to enjoy socializing, but can't.

LegacyUser

I had threatened to write here about this problem a number of times but could never quite muster the courage. I'm quite a quiet shy guy and I have very little interest in building any sort of meaningful relationships with people. It's beginning to cause huge problems in my relationship with my girlfriend who is the polar opposite. She thrives on social interaction more than anyone I have ever met. I wish I felt the same way about people and social events that she does but I just cannot for the life of me change that about myself. I dread social events, and I really struggle to talk to people, particularly people I don't know (a.k.a her friends). I never know what to say to them, I struggle to engage the odd time I do pick up the courage to talk. I put a lot of it down to the fact that I'm a terrible story teller. I can never remember any facts and therefore if I'm telling a story about an experience I've had, I can barely talk about it for more than 10 seconds and the conversation is over.

When my gf does eventually make plans to meet someone I will put on a brave face, go out, and make the effort to try and appear interested in that person and that I enjoy their company, but internally, I'm often looking at the clock, counting down the time until I get to go home. It came to a head with us today and yesterday and I've basically been given the choice of either changing my ways or moving out.

I would love to be different, I would love to be more like my gf, I would love to take genuine enjoyment from social interactions, but I really, really don't know how to. How do I change my patterns and perceptions? Does anyone know of any successful treatment options?

strandroad

Perhaps you're just an introvert? Not everyone is a social butterfly and your gf's friends are just random people to you after all.

Do you have any interests, hobbies or activities you enjoy? Do you meet people through them, do you find it easier to chat about something that actually interests you?

LegacyUser

Very few that spring to mind. I was quite passionate about football and gaming up until a couple of years ago. But I've lost complete interest in them since, to the point I rarely do either of them. Any genuine friends that I have, I've sort of distanced myself from them. I still keep in touch with them but it's more sporadic texts once or twice a month than anything really meaningful. I've always been a bit of an introvert but I think I've gotten much worse in the last 5 years. I don't really feel that excitable about anything or anyone. I want that to change.

LegacyUser

Please read Susan Cain's book 'Quiet' there is eve a part of the book which speaks about a couple that has the same problem and how they resolve it by compromising. You are not alone in feeling this way.

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder would it be an idea to go to your GP and check that everything's OK. It's one thing to be introverted but you've lost interest in things you used to enjoy. You've reduced your own friends to an odd text. That's not healthy for you or for your relationship.

LegacyUser

hi OP,

to be honest, here's how i would view things in that regard.
luckily both me and my oh are quite introverted, and my group of "friends" played with fire, and sort of in a roundabout way made out like it was him or them. needless to say they are no longer in my life in any meaningful way and some of them not at all.

do you know what, socializing is absolute bull. you dont NEED it - in the sense that it's very irish to call going out to a pub and getting plastered with people you don't like "socializing".

that's not all you could be doing. they're her friends, as you said, so you shouldnt NEED to be going out all the time with her to these events. surely that could be a compromise?

anyway, you sound perfectly normal to me, and i wouldnt worry about it too much. it's only a relatively new type of society emerging in the 20-somethings nowadays whereby they feel like it's absolutely NECESSARY to go out and get plastered and "put yourself out there". that, in my opinion is why there are so many people who have ego's that do NOT match their looks or how they carry themselves in any way.

dont worry OP, you sound like you're just a nice normal quiet guy who shouldnt be stressed about this nonsense. sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you try and make yourself think of this as "nonsense" then it should become just that to you and you can always suggest to your gf that you will be letting her go out by herself if she would prefer. it's easier on you, and you can go to what events that actually matter a bit more.

LegacyUser

youll be grand wrote: »

luckily both me and my oh are quite introverted

dont worry OP, you sound like you're just a nice normal quiet guy who shouldnt be stressed about this nonsense. sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you try and make yourself think of this as "nonsense" then it should become just that to you and you can always suggest to your gf that you will be letting her go out by herself if she would prefer. it's easier on you, and you can go to what events that actually matter a bit more.

I don't think this is fair on the OP's girlfriend. She clearly isn't an introvert, so I think your situation is different. The situation is bothering her so much that she's considering ending the relationship. To dismiss that as nonsense isn't fair to her at all.

Could you compromise on going to gatherings with fewer people OP? Or does that make any difference to you, whether it's a big crowd or not? Personally, I don't like nights where it's a very big crowd of people.

I wouldn't be happy to be with someone who had no interests of their own though, and who wouldn't come out with me at least some of the time to meet my friends. I'm not saying that you're wrong to be like that - but I know it's not something that I could live with. Your girlfriend seems to be of the same mind, and I don't get the feeling from your post that you think she's being unreasonably clingy or demanding in wanting you to come out with her 100% of the time or anything.

I'm afraid I think the time has come where you have to learn to compromise some more, maybe also time to find out why you feel this way. If you don't or can't do this, I think it's curtains for your relationship. Maybe you two are just too different, maybe you need to meet someone a little more like you.

Best of luck OP.

TimeToShine

You shouldn't be aiming to change yourself to accommodate her needs. This is a two way street after all. To be frank you sound a tad depressed, a trip to your GP is in order.

LegacyUser

TimeToShine wrote: »

You shouldn't be aiming to change yourself to accommodate her needs. This is a two way street after all. To be frank you sound a tad depressed, a trip to your GP is in order.

Agreed that's it a two-way street, but surely in all relationships an element of compromise is necessary? I'm not suggesting that the OP needs to radically change himself; but surely they can both try to meet half way on meeting each other's needs.

The OP hasn't suggested that his girlfriend wants him to be by her side 100% of the time, but the way the initial post is written, it pains him to be there any % of the time. Hopefully a compromise can be reached where you are there at least half the time where she'd like you to be there OP. She's made it very plain that this is a deal breaker for her. So I guess it comes down to compromise or that's the end of the relationship.

I don't view that as you having to change your personality to make her happy, I think it more of a meeting in the middle. I can understand if you feel that too difficult to do, but surely you can understand how she might find that too difficult to take (i.e. Can't sustain a long term relationship with someone who isn't willing or able to engage with people or activities that mean something to her).

zoobizoo

Pull back a second there.......

Is it that you don;t like going out on nights out with her friends but would be happy to meet them individually/in a less social event setting?

Or

You don;t have any interest in meeting with her friends or have any interest in them.?
'
You have to "make the effort to try and appear interested in that person"

It reads to me that you have no interest in them and that you have no interest in getting to know them and that to me is where you need to change. That is a problem because it's extremely childish

Would you be happy meeting them individually or in smaller groups in a different social setting?

Pub, club or party settings are not conducive to getting to know people and to have decent conversations if you are not socially adept.

There's no problem in being shy - most of us are to an extent. There is a problem appearing rude to people.

The issue maybe is that you are boring - and I don;t mean to sound cruel but if you've got nothing going on and no interests and nothing to talk about, no wonder you find it difficult to talk about things.

I speak from experience. Get some interests, get interested in people and life becomes more interesting, you will learn and grow and

Learn how to speak with people - it's not only story telling, it;s asking questions... 'how are things?'.... 'any craic?'..... and if you took an interest in them you'd be able to ask "did you get that job?" "how was the trip to X" or even "I hear that you're working in X, that sounds interesting" .

You don't have to be the life and soul of a party. Big social events can be painful especially if you feel that you don't know anyone. Not everyone you speak to will be of interest to you - but at least make the effort to find out if you like them or not.

Regardless of you relationship, Find a hobby that will give you some enjoyment in life and something to talk about regardless of what that is