how much is me...and how much is us

LegacyUser

I am in a happy marriage for ~20 years, 3 kids almost grown up. I always make the best of things and work hard at what is important. We explore a lot sexually together and for the last 8 years or so we have had an open relationship, with both of us having lovers. I was the driving force behind this but we both do it.
I now have serious feelings for one of my lovers. We have been lovers for over 2 years at this stage and both have feelings for each other. I am not sure how much of my happiness in my marriage is me making the best of things or us being good as a couple. Our day to day life together is very stable and friendly and leaving a marriage that is happy seems stupid. But this other woman is on my mind a lot now....and after two years its not just a crush.

Shrap

Jaysus, I got to say this is exactly why I never thought an open relationship would work for me. Although, in fairness, your's has worked for 20 years which is at least 15 more than any other that I've happened across (and plenty longer than many, many exclusive ones).

Did you not think this might happen, for either of you? What was the back-up plan you and your OH discussed about this eventuality? It being an open relationship, if you're not both on board with the lack of exclusivity then it's a failing relationship, amirite? In fact, I'm failing to see your problem here, since exclusivity isn't what you're aiming for with an open relationship. Surely you can think about this woman whenever you like and you get to sleep with her too......like you have for the last 2 years. Or is it that you want to leave your (incredibly) open-minded wife and your happy marriage for an exclusive relationship this time?

I'm not usually a judgemental sort, but you clearly wanting out of the open relationship and into a different exclusive one kinda smacks of the mid-life crisis cliche of a man leaving his mid-life wife for the younger model (even if she isn't younger). I'm also somewhat hoping your wife has a better option than being relegated to "less significant other".

Ann84

Op - can I ask why you wanted an open relationship?
Also, what agreement did yourself and your wife come to in relation to partners? I mean you must have discussed the possibility of this scenario occurring when you started into the open marriage situation, did you not set out any ground rules? Emotional feelings for extra marital partners is a risk taken in open marriages, openess, honesty and communication underpin it... Have you spoken to your wife about this new revelation?

Fedbasel

OP how does your lover feel about you? Does she want an exclusive relationship?

LegacyUser

Hi
we are both ok with the open relationship....but the whole point was that we were always meant to be firstly about each other....and this has sutly changed for me. We are good at talking stuff out and our plan was that in this situation we would stop.....but honestly...i cant imagine stopping. Ideally I could keep this going....but in my heart my main partner has changed, so its not really right to keep it going.

why did i want an open relationship? I think if i was being honest i feel a lack of passionate love which i really try hard to keep, and having fantasy sex was a way to keep some of that going. i still have that after 2 years with the other woman, but i do agree it could fade also

my lover was in a relationship, is now single and would like an exclusive relationship with me

im worried about the midlife crisis comment, as that is what i fear; making a silly mistake. I know this woman very well by now obviously but its not the same as living together, Im well aware

Ann84

Ok, based on your last response I don't believe you are happily married.
Open marriages are a massive risk and you took that risk with your wife, you agreed to stop if either of you fell for someone else... I'm surprised you let it get this far to be honest and I think at this stage your being pretty selfish and dishonest, you are effectively having an affair, it's not part of the open marriage arrangement and you know that this is wrong at this stage...

At the end of the day, this really boils down to the commitment to your wife and family. Like anyone having an affair, If you are being honest, you need to tell your wife that you've got feelings for said woman and agree to either stop the open arrangement or seperate from your wife. I actually get the meaningless sex bit, but you said yourself that when ye set out on this open marriage, an agreement was made and your breaking it and you know it!!
Unless you explain the situation to your wife and agree next steps together you are lying to your wife, you are supposed to be managing this situation.

My advice, sit down and explain your feelings to your wife. Talk about options but realistically it's gonna be stop the open marriage, disconnect from other woman and focus on your marriage and wife, or start separation precedings.. In the longer term, any other arrangement will get pretty messy!!

On a side note, your story has reaffirmed my belief that open relationships just don't work - it relies on just too much trust and too much risk. Why you didn't try to address the issues relating to passion within your own relationship is a shame...

LegacyUser

maybe the open relationship thing has distracted from the main advice i was hoping for.

you see so many marriages that are not that happy. so much advice on here says to work on things. I do feel happy....but feel I could be happier with someone else. Is it mental to be thinking of leaving when life is good?

zeffabelli

confudesforties wrote: »

maybe the open relationship thing has distracted from the main advice i was hoping for.

you see so many marriages that are not that happy. so much advice on here says to work on things. I do feel happy....but feel I could be happier with someone else. Is it mental to be thinking of leaving when life is good?

I think we all have a tendancy to imagine and long for other lives, in other places, with other people, in other careers. And sometimes of often we take action in response to those fantasies.

The thing is...and this might be cynical.... all roads lead to Mecca.... passion dies...it wanes...that is its nature...so you will eventually find yourself in the same exact place with your lover that you do with your wife, but your lover will not agree to an open relationship as she has already said she wants it to be exclusive.

There is no such thing as safe sex, sex creates things, it creates bonds, it creates expectations, it creates demands, even if that demand is for experimentation of boundaries or of exclusivity...it is always perilous. And I assume you ALL {after all this is a triangle you have created} knew the risks when you agreed to this.

Now you are at a crossroads of choice. Several options here:

1. Tell your lover you are in an open marriage with your wife, this is what you agreed to with her and that is that.

2. Leave your wife.

3. Leave your lover.

4. Talk to your wife and see if you can be exclusive with your lover until this eventually comes to an end. She may be ok with it. She may want to set you on fire.

Divorce: This has transgenerational consequences. Think very carefully before you kick over this ant hill.

Sleepy

confudesforties wrote: »

maybe the open relationship thing has distracted from the main advice i was hoping for.

you see so many marriages that are not that happy. so much advice on here says to work on things. I do feel happy....but feel I could be happier with someone else. Is it mental to be thinking of leaving when life is good?

Honestly, I'd say it is.

The grass is always greener. All the little things that add up to the feeling that your wife doesn't make you as happy as you could be will no doubt crop up in your relationship with your girlfriends were you to leave your marriage and move in with her. There'll be pros and cons to both relationships but you know the downsides to living with your wife and you're still happy in your marriage to her. By contrast, you hardly know the other woman, you've seen her for "fantasy sex" at most a couple of times a week? Have you ever lived together? Had to deal with her PMT? Struggled through the realities of life together (deaths, illnesses, hard times etc.)

The reverse is also true of course: she's never had to experience you stuck in a traffic jam with a car full of noisy kids and a hangover, you've been her exciting boyfriend rather than the guy who snores beside her every night etc.

Honestly, watch High Fidelity, it actually deals with this idea very well while also being hilarious.

Ann84

confudesforties wrote: »

maybe the open relationship thing has distracted from the main advice i was hoping for.

you see so many marriages that are not that happy. so much advice on here says to work on things. I do feel happy....but feel I could be happier with someone else. Is it mental to be thinking of leaving when life is good?

You have ignored the point I raised in relation to getting too close to this other person.
The open marriage is not relevant other than you've has sex rather than just fancy from afare but the point is you are already cheating on your wife and whatever about what you want, how do you think she would feel knowing you are falling for this other woman?
If I was your wife, I'd want to know... I may not want to continue the relationship knowing your thinking of getting out. You don't mention how much pain and hurt you could cause your wife, do you even care about her feelings?!!

No one knows if you could be happier with someone else, not even you so we can all speculate but marriage is more than just being happy, it's ups and downs and building a life together, if the life you've built with your wife isn't enough then yes, leave and face the consequences but no one can tell you how that will pan out.

One thing for sure, if you stay you need to stop seeing this other woman and work on your relationship with your wife.

eviltwin

Would you even be contemplating leaving if this other woman wasn't waiting in the wings?

Shrap

eviltwin wrote: »

Would you even be contemplating leaving if this other woman wasn't waiting in the wings?

I personally get the feeling the OP never contemplated meeting a lover a) that he'd grow to have more feelings for than he has for his wife, and/or b) who in her turn would want him to leave his wife and teenage children and be exclusive. Which in the case of an open relationship shows a distinct lack of imagination if he and his wife did not discuss this very real eventuality when embarking on such an agreement together, not to mention having children together. I'd still very much like to know what he thinks his wife would make of this if she knew that their relationship is no longer firstly about each other.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, been thinking quite a bit about this.

Yes its got to a point where my wife would be unhappy. In my defence Ill say this happened subtly over time....we do socially meet this woman as a couple and we all get on really well...we have had some sexual time with all three of us as well. So this didnt all happen 'on the sly'.
I see her regularly....regularly enoughg for me to feel I see a lot of the bad stuff.....although not everything.

My wife and I were married young....22....didnt explore much, hence exploring a bit now. I do feel I missed out at that time...and wonder if I had had more life experience whether I would have waited and met someone that matches me a little better. I guess thats what I feel....Ive found someone who matches me a little better. This has happened over time maybe but the realisation that i feel i would prefer to be with her hit my suddenly recently.

Wompa1

Something tell me you'll regret leaving your wife. The relationship you have with this other woman is different right now. If you go to her exclusively, it will get to the point of being just like the one you have with your wife only maybe next time you're the one that's left on the shelf. You built a lot together with your wife...personally, I wouldn't throw that away for a new relationship

Ann84

confusedforties wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, been thinking quite a bit about this.

Yes its got to a point where my wife would be unhappy. In my defence Ill say this happened subtly over time....we do socially meet this woman as a couple and we all get on really well...we have had some sexual time with all three of us as well. So this didnt all happen 'on the sly'.
I see her regularly....regularly

Op I am failing to see what you want from this thread. No one can tell you if you would be happier leaving your marriage, only you can do that.

The only thing I am getting from your posts is that you put very little weight on the life you have had with your wife and seem resentful that you married her but you did (which is sad waste of life for her!)
As for the situation outlined above... Just poor Mrs confusedforties, so not only did she facilitate your affair, she participated in it - they are going to be some fond memories for her after you leave with this woman... Have you no heart at all!!!

My advice would be leave your wife at this stage, only because I believe she would be better off not married to you, your posts come across as single minded and cold... She deserves better and sounds like she's trying to keep someone she loves happy to her detriment.