sad

LegacyUser

My other half and me are married with a little girl and up until we had her had a very active and healthy sex life. Since DD arrived 18mths ago our bedroom life is not what it used to be although we have both said we want it to improve and I always am up for it. It came to light recently that my weight is an issue for him (I put on about 25ppunds) and while he still fancies me he prefers it when I'm slimmer. I'm working on this and we usually have sex at the weekends. So yesterday evening we had sex, I had to pop over to a friend to lend her some things but came home early as I forgot an item My OH was masturbating to porn straight after we had sex. I mean an hour or less after. I am veryupset about this.he can't explain why I know he watches pornos, a lot of people do and that's ok, but I'm already feeling bad enough about myself and feel so hurt that after having sex with me where he was obviously turned on, he then had to turn on the computer straightaway for round two with slim attractive porno stars. Am I right to feel so upset?

Shrap

Yeah, I think your OH has unrealistic expectations of women if a) 25 extra pounds on the woman he loves is enough to put him off and b) he keeps justifying that to himself and confirming his bias towards porn stars (usually with faked bits) by heading straight for the porn after sex with his lovely wife.

I'm seeing a problem here hon, and it's not your problem. The tricky bit is to get him to a point where he sees that he has a sexual problem (and a very common one among mostly men these days). I'm sensing he's in denial about having unreal expectations from his comment about your weight gain being the issue, not his narrow criteria for what turns him on these days.

LegacyUser

I think you're right to be upset. The audacity of him is just infuriating to me! You gave up your body (amount other things) to have a baby with the man you love.
The porn isn't the issue, it's the fact that you had just had sex together. Does he know you saw him?

LegacyUser

Thx for replies. Yes, he admitted it and apologised but didn't give an explanation. We are not having as much sex as id like so I think porn may be the preference? It's the fact we'd just had sex that hurts so much. I have let myself go a bit and will admit that but it's just turning around at the first opportunity to get his kicks mere minutes after being intimate. He said it's not like he's sleeping with other ppl or cheating & it won't happen again but I don't think that's addressing the problem.

dudara

Can I ask that you please don't use acronyms like "DD" on this forum. Not everyone is familiar with the definitions and it causes confusion. Just say "daughter"

dudara

LegacyUser

I know it's a really awkward conversation to have,but I think it needs to be done to get to the root of the problem. I can speak from personal experience on that. One of my ex boyfriend's admitted to having a porn addiction,it was like a habit that got out of control.
I would say something if you weren't "putting out" and he just needed an outlet but the fact you just had sex would be worrying to me

NedNew2

That's about 11kg. If you feel you need to do, then you should be able to lose 1 kilo a week in a healthy and sustainable way by doing more exercise and not over eating.

I honestly don't think it's a problem what you witnessed, I'm sure most guys have done it, whether they admit it or not.

Pawwed Rig

I don't see a problem here. The man masturbated - so what!! He also felt confident enough in your relationship to highlight a sensitive issue (which you acknowledge is a problem). Is it better if he says nothing and hides his dislike of the extra flab building up resentment over years? I see the usual misandry whereby men are the root of all evil has already started in previous posts but seriously you guys have alot to work with here. Get back in shape and you, him and your daughter will all be happier.

Typer Monkey

I'm not seeing where the big problem is here either. It's not like he was watching porn and masterbating in preference to sleeping with you. I think you're projecting your insecurity about how you look physically onto his actions here. Why is it a reflection on you that he was still feeling aroused and took matters into to his own hands and watched some porn? You had left, he thought he was doing it in private.

I think you're over reacting here, sorry

arayess

i'm not seeing the problem here either.

he had sex and while you were out he was watching porn. It seems ok to me.
if he was turning you down for porn that's a different matter.

I think the problem is how you feel about yourself. But that's ok too, it a natural thing. But comparing porno girl to yourself is a lost cause. Porn is fantasy while you are his real life partner. Unless it's amateur stuff those women have an interest in maintaining their figure like a model .
Unless you are in that game yourself it's not an apt comparison..


Most couples have a chance in sex life after a child that isn't for the better. it does recover overtime.
maybe just work on having more sex with him

Gongoozler

I'm with the latter bunch on this. Sorry but 25 pounds is a lot. If I put on that much I'd be a completely different person. He has tried to address the weight issue with you, as difficult as that can be to do.

It's possible he didn't finish during sex and needed relief after. He waited till you were gone to do this. I'm not really seeing the problem that this involved porn either. Except for another way your insecurity is appearing.

He didn't turn you down. It's up to you what you do about the weight. He's told you it's a problem for him.

You should have a sit down with him and ask what exactly happened so you know. And then, if you want to, sit down and make a plan to lose the weight.

The Princess Bride

I have to agree with the last posters also.
I was once in a relationship with a man who put on a similar amount of weight and more.
It completely changed his appearance and his energy levels dipped also.And being honest, it made me fancy him less.I did say it as nicely as I could -for all the world it was like dating a completely different looking man.
That doesn't make me shallow any more than it makes your husband shallow -it's just how we are.

You might find your self esteem will improve after you lose the weight.
It's not an impossible task.
Plus, if you ever decide to have a second child, you could easily find yourself 23+kg overweight -that would be far more difficult to lose.

As for the masturbation, it's completely normal.
For what it's worth, you say you're always up for sex-well that's a brilliant way of getting fit and using up calories.
Maybe say this to him, as it'd benefit you both.

Stranger Danger

Shrap wrote: »

I'm seeing a problem here hon, and it's not your problem. The tricky bit is to get him to a point where he sees that he has a sexual problem

WTF?


An additional 2 stone is a lot of extra weight and it's pretty understandable that he may feel less sexually attraction towards you.

Keep the lines of communication open with your husband and make a plan to start losing weight. Trying to turn this into an 'All men are [EMAIL="b@stards'"]b@stards'[/EMAIL] issue will ultimately lead to both of you becoming entrenched and defensive.

Diamond Doll

I think your reaction was unfair. If the same thing had happened a couple of years ago - when you had a lot more body confidence, and when you were happy with your sex life - chances are you wouldn't have felt hurt or upset at all by what he did. It's not really his fault that your reaction now is different to what it would have been at a different point in your relationship.

And it doesn't mean he wasn't satisfied by sex with you, or that he fancied those other girls more. Some people (male or female) just continue to be quite aroused after sex, no matter how good it was.

As for the weight loss - it's not an impossible amount to lose, and no doubt you'll feel a lot better and more comfortable with yourself when you lose it. It may be worth joining a group such as Slimming World, as a lot of women find the group chats and encouragement really help to boost their self-confidence while on the weight loss journey.

Your husband (and you) should bear in mind that you'll probably never have your pre-baby body back. Many women end up with a stubborn little pouchy belly that just won't go, or saggy/bigger/smaller boobs, or stretchmarks, or change of sensation while having sex (for the man/woman/both), etc. So things may never be quite the same as they were before, but losing the weight should hopefully make a big difference. I actually think it's a positive thing that he's open in his communication with you about how he feels - it doesn't sound like he meant it in a nasty or hurtful way at all, that he was just being honest.

It may be worth contacting the likes of Nurture or Cuidiú to see if there's a local group you could join to discuss how you're feeling. It's definitely quite common to feel a certain loss of identity on becoming a parent - even if you're not depressed or anything else - it can help to speak to other mothers who might be feeling similar.

LegacyUser

I find it hard to believe if people were in the ops situation they wouldn't feel upset. His behaviour is totally out of line.
She already admitted she needed to lose weight but when you get married you say in sickness and in health.
To have sex with someone and then go straight onto porn is not normal

pookie82

I have a mixed reaction to this.

On the one hand, yes you have put up 2 stone or thereabouts and most people admit, like it or not, that that dampens sexual lust.

On the other hand, there's a reason for this weight gain - carrying and giving birth to his child. OP, have you been particularly lax in watching your diet, or have you not cared about getting the weight off as much as you *should* have? I feel bad even typing this because I've never had a pregnancy and I don't want to criticise the toll it has on some women's bodies. As a post mentioned above, some of them never go back to what they were before, no matter what you do.

Personally I would be incredibly hurt walking in on this, not because it was porn, but because it was right after I'd had sex with him. No surer indication that I "wasn't enough" or up to the mark. I doubt very much most men would like to stumble upon their gf/wife masturbating to Channing Tatum right after they'd had sex with her and left the room, pretty sure their ego would take a dent and the implication would be that they hadn't satisfied her "enough". Perfectly human for your confidence to take a knock in this situation. I have no problem with my OH watching porn but if it gets to the stage where "real" sex isn't enough anymore, then I'd probably query just how much he's doing it.

There have been numerous threads on here about men desensitising themselves to actual sex through watching too much porn or masturbating. It can happen. I'd understand him turning to porn if he was getting nothing off you ... but turning to it an hour later? I don't know, that wouldn't sit right with me. Would you ask him to abstain from porn for a few weeks and maybe have sex with YOU more instead and try to breathe some life back into real sex for him? You have mentioned above you don't feel you're having enough, suggest this and see what he thinks. Maybe he assumes you only want it as often as you're currently having it and his drive is higher but he doesn't want to "bother" you?

I can't say I agree with those suggesting that until you get back to pre baby weight you shouldn't be hurt by him needing to watch strangers to get off ... it's pretty demeaning in terms of what love and compassion after childbirth are supposed to be.

eternal

It's natural to put on weight after having a child. The OP is obviously depressed with herself making her feel unmotivated. I'd be upset too if this happened to me.
She can lose the weight but a bit of sensitivity and support isn't out of the question.

Lux23

Some women can gain as much as 60lbs during pregnancy so I think the fussing about 25 lbs is a little naive. On the other hand, the fella is entitled to a little Tommy tug if he so wishes. It just sounds like he has a healthy sexual appetite.

I think OP that you probably need to start making time for yourself like your partner does. Get some more exercise in and have a look at cutting bread and sweet things out of your diet. You could be a few lbs down in no time.